Who Am I? I Am Learning


After the Christmas Day was here and gone, I sat back and went over it. With some nice things I saw were also mixed with sadness, tears and smiles from my brother. Others I remembered comments that were good and some left me hurt.

I tried my best. I consider it slaving when I spent four days in the kitchen making foods that looked merry and bright. Some tried them, others would not, and some liked. I am learning very quickly after I have wiped the starry eyes, that life is not what I wish it to be. Life is what it is. I can choose to do what I used to do; which was to carry the hurt with me, or I can choose to stop and move forth.

I have chosen the latter. Acceptance that things will never be as they were when I was young is something I am strongly working on for 2013. Closing the gates around my heart is one more thing that I want to work on. I don’t want to close my heart totally. There is too much to see, love and laugh about in life. I do however, need to pull the corral in just a bit more, to remind me that when things are not as you think they should be, you feel it, mourn it just a wee bit, and then move on.

I think that this will work out for me much better. I have two dear friends that seem to go through some of the similar events that I do and they are not living in dream land anymore. Dreams are nice but not when you can ever see the reality of them.

Yesterday, I went to a store in Fort Wayne that I had never stepped feet or eyes in. I walked through the doors and my eyes became big like a kid looking at all the Christmas gifts under the glittery tree. It wasn’t a clothing store, or a health food store. It was Hobby Land.

I had a ball. Even with my aching back and burning feet, I made it through several aisles. I started my New Year’s Eve resolution a tad bit early. I thought of me first. Do you have any idea how difficult a task it is to think of me first? It felt awkward, tongue-tied, and rough around the edges, but I forced myself.

I have always thought of others before me, and it is not always a good idea, because you can lose respect for yourself as well as others can take it for granted that you will always be there, so you let yourself be set-up to a point for pain.

So in ending this post, I have posted what I did for me yesterday. I want my home to reflect who I am. When I come home from seeing Al, or I need comforting, I want to feel it wrap its arms around me here in my four walls. Here is what I did to begin.

I bought some Victorian ceramic drawer pulls for my bathroom vanity in black and white marble.door knobs

min christmas tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took my big Christmas tree down and left these two pretty smaller ones up in opposite corners of my living room. They bring me peace and calmness.minature xmas tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I placed this antique wall shelf with prisms. I put a loaf of French bread, a bunch of grapes and a candle on top. In the evenings the lights from the Christmas tree reflect from the prisms and create a nice light show.wall shelf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had this large vase so I redid the entire thing, giving it a wispy soft look, which invites me to be in a peaceful environment.flowers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Already, I am feeling more calm, confident, and allowing all things behind me to remain in the memory storage box.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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48 thoughts on “Who Am I? I Am Learning

  1. Terry this is fantastic! First of all, your home improvements look so beautiful, I could feel the warmth coming off of my screen! And second of all, it is wonderful that you are doing something for yourself and learning to get used to it without feeling guilty. I hope that for the new year you will be faced with less hurt and that joy will find its way to your doorstep with each new step you take to strengthen yourself. May even the pain bring happiness with it, be it a lesson learned, a friendship earned, or a love requited <3<3<3

    • thank you so much my dearest friend. Did you have a nice Christmas? Were you a good girl who found one gift under the tree with your name on it? You are such a wonderful friend

      • You’re welcome but you don’t ever have to thank me :-D It was a pretty good Christmas. I got to be a kid for a few days with my cousins, ice-skating, rockwall climbing and even getting a new phone from Dad. Now it’s back to work. -_- I can’t complain though, and I’m glad to hear of your own steps forward. Now that was a wonderful Christmas gift!! <3<3<3

      • It definitely was!! And now I must prep for college in the spring, so I don’t think I’ll be working anymore. Atleast not at the current place (which isn’t all that bad)

  2. Good for you, terry1954! May 2013 be a New Year that brings good memories back to you and allows you to create even better ones…as my mother used to say when she was doing something she enjoyed, “Now THAT’s a memory maker!”

  3. I love following your progress. And I have no fear that putting yourself first will result in selfishness. You are not capable of that. What is exciting is your growth in creativity and potential joy in what’s new. Happy New Year – New You!

    • thank you so much Mona! I hope you had a wonderful holiday. It is like trying on a new pair of shoes. It hurts and is uncomfortable, but you manage to enjoy them in the end and they bring you comfort as you go about your day. So nice to see you Mona!!!!

    • I thought it was perfect for me. I could have prayed for a miracle for my brother, but this is already in God’s hands. Thought it better to concentrate on me for the moment

  4. With each New Year
    a new beginning rises
    with thoughts of yesterdays
    which present
    inspiration for the tomorrow’s
    opening hearts
    open the gates
    learning from life
    learning from mistakes

    Wishing you a wonderful 2013 Terry to you and your family.

  5. I love what you have done, Terry. And I’m glad you are choosing to set healthy boundaries in your life. Keep up the good work. It’s amazing how just a little change in your home can make such a difference. When I moved some of my furniture around a couple of months ago to make more room in Robyn’s room I had no idea it would improve my dining room. Now the light from my plant stand shines out on all sides where before it was only from the living room side as I had a bookcase at the back and at the end. Everything is so much brighter. I’m glad you had so much fun in the store.

    • I really did have a good time. Would love to go back again!!! I love moving furniture, but my back and feet protest! I used to move my furniture in the living room monthly and the kids rooms about every six months. Miss being able to do that now

      • I’m not one to move furniture and the way I have my apartment set up, it has always been the best way for space. But there were things in Robyn’s room that took up space she could use for her own things. I couldn’t have done it without her help, and I was about done for when we finished as I had to do a lot of vacuuming and I shampooed the dining room carpet, too. So I’ve had my fill of moving furniture for some time to come. But I think Robyn was happy to have so much more room in her bedroom and also more storage space.

      • Yes, it can be a good experience or a nightmare to have a roommate. I knew Robyn for several years before she moved in. And she is very compatible with me. But if you get the wrong person, it can sometimes be easier to get them in than to get them out if it doesn’t work for you. I wouldn’t take someone I didn’t know. I had someone else the year before Robyn moved in, and I didn’t know her well. It worked OK, but I was glad when she moved out, too. Robyn is away for a couple of weeks now, and I’m enjoying being alone, but she is not much bother when she is here. We get along great and she spends a lot of time in her room, too, which gives me my space. And she works evenings, so she isn’t here all the time like Marilyn was.

  6. it is so hard to do what we know we need to for our own well being. as the flight attendants say, we should put on our oxygen before helping others and that is great life advice! sounds like you are finally taking the steps to care for yourself. i am so happy for you!!

    • hey! hi there! Did you have a good holiday? thanks for coming by and chatting with me. Have missed you. you are so right, at least about me. I am the last to help myself but the first to feel another person’s pain and distress

      • been going through some things here myself but been reading your blog and keeping up with you.

        my concern for you has been that generous heart of yours that doesn’t always make room for you. keep doing things that make you happy.. surround yourself with the things that bring you peace and light.

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