Too Scared To Give Up


Today I was hit with a brick. The red brick came flying at me out of the doctor’s mouth. I

Česky: Ampule inzulínu Actrapid (pro užití inz...

was suspicious. I have been for around two months. You know,,,,,it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I was probably expecting it.

I had to go to visit my primary physician today after having blood work drawn last week. I always dread it because of my sugar levels. Although I have brought my A1C numbers down in half, it is never good enough for the statistics.

I have blogged so much about Al, my brother, you all probably feel you know him very well. What I have done is back off writing about him so much because I could not deal with it. Isn’t the old saying,Out of Sight, Out of Mind? I tried this method but it didn’t work. Instead, it got buried farther but still remained so close to the surface.

I could stand outside myself and see what I was doing wrong. I couldn’t stop myself though. My habit is to take diabetic medications before breakfast and again before supper. I have always considered myself a pretty good diabetic; considering I have had it for 31 years. I never had to take insulin. I have always been on oral medications.

Of course I cheated. Diabetics love sweets, or at least this one does. I have had problems arise from having it so long. I have neuropathy in my fingers and feet. This keeps me from doing some things that I wish or used to be able to do.

As I sat in the tiny office, the nurse took my vitals. My blood pressure was up. It wasn’t dangerous, but it wasn’t good. She left and the doctor came in almost immediately. As soon as I saw him I began to cry. I felt so foolish. I could not stop the tears. I was rambling on about my sadness, not eating, and guilt over placing Al between wiping my nose and eyes.

He handed me the kleenex box and listened until I became quiet. He was concerned about my sugar levels as the A1C test had risen two numbers. He suggested I go to insulin, and I freaked out. I had caused this all myself. I had no one else to blame.

I would take my medicines here at home but then not eat. Every time I ate I would get nauseated. I wanted to sleep all of the time but had restless sleep. I worried about how I was going to get a job. Two ads placed for a caregiver and both times no calls.

I feel so much guilt over placing Al it is making me sick. My sugars started to rise about two days after he was placed. Anything abnormal to a diabetic can cause the numbers to go up. Stress, agitation, illness, just about anything.

I mourn for the life I had before when my family was closer. I mourn for the loss of my brother. I have kicked myself so much in the rear for not being able to keep Al longer here at home, that if I could see my rear, it would most likely be black and blue. There Viveka, there is a funny! LOL

I wanted to be social, but yet I would not leave the house. The television became my best friend. Blogging became my second best friend. Without blogging and all of my awesome friends on here, I don’t really know where I would be.

I have dreamed of packing a suitcase and running, but where. I have thought about going to the mall shopping, but I didn’t want to buy anything. I was getting a little nervous. I was recognizing the depression signs. I needed help. Maybe this is why I spilled the fountain of words and tears to the doctor.

He wanted me to not only go on insulin but also an anti-depressant.  Something happened after he walked out of the office. I sat there and wanted to die. I didn’t want to get my coat on. I didn’t want to go out into the world. Getting in my car was too much work. I felt safe in the tiny office, but I had to go, I had to leave.

I paid my bill and went to the car and sat. I lit up a cigarette and smoked it while the car warmed up again. I cried to the heavens, please help me.I don’t want to be this way. I don’t really want to die. Please God hear me.

I sat there for a few more minutes and then took off. Two doors down from the doctor’s office is a Wellness Center. I used to always want to go there, but the yearly membership is so terribly high, I could not go. I pulled out of the parking lot and without thinking, my car pulled into the Center.

I turned the car off and actually had a conversation with myself. What in the world am I doing here? I did not want to go here. Turn the key back on and get out of here, but I didn’t turn that key. I put my gloves and hat back on and I felt like someone or something was opening my car door and pushing me through the double doors.

I really don’t know how it happened, I swear, but the next thing I knew was I was saying,” I am here to get information on your walking track and classes”. The lady smiled and started explaining the hours and how much the classes were and how much it cost to walk the track.

I talked to her like I had known her for years. I told her, ” I am a diabetic. I just came from my doctor’s office from a check-up. My sugars are too high and he and I think I am slipping into a depression because I had to place my brother in a nursing home“. Again she smiled and told me that she could help me.

The class she recommended for me for my problems will work with light weights, and walking the track and some exercises for one hour two days a week. This class cost a total of one dollar per class. For twenty-one dollars a month I could go walk the track as many times per day and every day they were opened if I wished. I don’t know how I got such a good price. I guess it was my day.

I found myself signing up for the class and the walking. She said that we all go through trials in our lives. She told me I was in the valley and she would help me climb back on top of the mountain.

I smiled at her, put my hat and gloves back on and walked out to the car. When I turned the key and waited for the heat to return, I felt an odd feeling on my face. Like something was there that wasn’t supposed to be. I pulled my rear view mirror down and took a good look at me. I was looking for a stray hair or maybe a bug, but what I saw was a woman who was staring back at me. At the edges of her lips was the tiniest of curves. She was smiling.

I knew then it was me that I was looking at. Me, I was smiling, not very much but smiling. I have no doubt that God planted that idea in my head without my permission to go to the Center. I have no doubt that he knew it was the perfect timing for me. He knew that I had tried long enough to fix things on my own, but was unsuccessful.

All I have to do is get through today. The class starts tomorrow. The exercise class and the walking should bring my sugars back in control, and if not, then I will consider the insulin. my blood  pressure should drop back down to its normal readings also. The classes should bring me into focus of real people around me. I have hope, more hope than I did before noon. I have hope that with God’s help and all of you, I can do this!

Who’s Following Me?


“Where am I”? Darla reached up and grabbed a hold of the man’s shirt. “What are you doing? Where are you taking me?” Darla was laying on a portable bed. She was getting ready to be rolled out the waiting EMS.

Darla lived in the home that she and her husband had made. She had made many friends. She partook in many activities. She played bingo, went on car rides, visited friends in nursing homes. She made crafts and sent out cards to grandchildren.

For the last few months visible changes had started to produce. Darla would forget to take her medications.Sometimes she even forgot to eat. Family started to notice a weight loss. The kids started to visit more at meal times, sometimes bringing treats.

Darla came from a big family. She had nine brothers and sisters. She and her husband had six children. Ed, her partner in life  worked in one of the many tomato fields. Darla was a teacher. Their children were brought up with strict rules. The love flowed like streams throughout the home. Their children were raised without many issues.

When Darla and Ed retired their children hosted a wonderful party for them. Darla bought a new violet-blue dress and Ed wore his familiar black suit. So many friends came that the house was weak at the seams. From speaking to Darla, I believe that this was the third biggest memory of her life. The first highlight was her marriage. Second came the children and now this.

These two did everything together after retirement. They worked on crossword puzzles, watched the same television programs. He helped while she prepared their meals. They went to church together and every Sunday they were invited to one of the kid’s house for dinner.

Life was great. Ed and Darla could want for nothing more. At each meal they gave thanks for their many blessings they had received over the years. Every Wednesday Ed paid visits to the local Senior Center while Darla went to the church for her euchre games.

While sitting at the card table she felt a strange feeling running down her arm. She became dizzy and light-headed. The color drained from her face. One of her friends took notice and let the director know. With the call to the EMS, Darla was rushed to the ER. She had suffered a stroke. It devastated the kids and her husband. Ed only left her side when it was time to retire for bed.

The routine of visits, therapy and well wishes turned into six months. Eventually she was able to walk again with the aid of a cane. She returned to their home, and with the help of her husband they enjoyed life for another year.

One chilly morning Darla rose from her bed. She went to the bathroom and then back to see if Ed was up yet. He was not, so she called out to him. The only return she received was silence. She walked to the other side of the bed where he laid so peacefully and saw his lips were a deep blue.

She went to the phone and called the paramedics and the sad news was that he had passed peacefully through the night. Darla mourned along with her children. Three months later she was still mourning and was losing touch with reality. Upon examination she was pronounced with depression and the loss of will to live.

Her body became weak in fighting illness. It was not long after that, Alzheimer’s paid her a visit. It appeared with no invitation and usually over stayed its welcome. As the doctor and the children gathered more evidence, a caregiver was hired.

The caregiver assisted with bathing, meals and medications. Darla had many good days, but the balance became equal with bad days mixing in. It was a routine Monday morning when the caregiver arrived. She was beginning the preparation for the breakfast meal.

Darla walked out to the kitchen and when she took notice of the caregiver she immediately walked over to her and started yelling. “Get out of here! Get out of my kitchen! I am going to call the police! You are breaking into my house”.

The caregiver was taken aback for a moment and then called the eldest child explaining the situation at hand. It was clear as ice that mom’s mind was being taken over by the disease.

The kids and the caregiver had a family meeting. They took a vote on getting mom in a nursing facility if this behavior happened again. Weeks went by and no more episodes or outbursts happened. As the sun lowers and the moon rises it happened again.

Darla didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know her name. It was the worst episode so far. A phone call was made. The children were present. The EMS was there. A room had been provided in a skilled facility and Darla was being taken there at this very moment.

A life full of memories. Big families, years full of love. A constant companion by her side. All buried in her mind. Only specks of reality surfaced now and then. With tears in her son’s eyes, he answered his mom. ” I love you mom. With the help of these two men we are going to take you to a new place. It’s going to be alright. I will be right by your side. Please don’t cry mom, you’re making me cry”.

“Where am I? Where are we going? Where are you taking  me”?……..

Behind the Sun