In the two hours I was there over supper I heard him talking  about guns and death. He said he wished he was dead. I let everything I ever learn slip out of my right mind, as I sat in terror wondering where Al was in his mind.

I had even stopped at his old place at work, and chatted with his old boss. He gave me a hat and shirt to take to Al. I just knew that would make a world of difference. He gave me the tiniest of smiles but that was it. He didn’t want to try the hat on or even hold it.

His head was about an inch from his plate. He seemed so weak, or tired or, oh crap, I don’t even know what the word is, different.

I am afraid for my brother, I can’t lie and try to make you believe that I just know everything is going to be alright, because I don’t.

I wonder where Al is in his mind. I saw glimpses but then he would disappear. I was a rattlesnake. My mouth hissed words out so fast. I know I was a rambling idiot, but evidently my fear was bigger than life at this time.

I came home and took a shower. I looked at all the crap back in my living room. The sale was a flop. I had like five people stop. Never again, or not for a long time will I have a sale. I donated Al’s too big clothing and a lot of my clothes to a shelter for men/ women about half an hour a way.

Someone can get use out of these. Right now I wish I could donate everything that reminds me of Mom, Dad, Al, myself and Parkinson’s. I am not depressed, I am scared, and partially numb.

I am waiting on a call from the nursing home, as they have given Al more than ample hours to act more like himself, but he didn’t make the mark.

Oh, Al, where are you baby brother…………

I thought that when I left Al yesterday, he was in better spirits from our talk. Evidently not, as the facility just called to tell me they had an issue with him. He is thinking about ending it all. They said he has no plan, which makes them feel better. It is an unofficial watch for him as if they state in the files what he is thinking he would have to be sent to a psyche ward. Neither them or me wants him to have to go there. It would destroy him.

So I am pleading and begging for prayers. I called the man in charge of his waiver and said that Al is very sad and that he is afraid he is going to die there instead of here at home. He said he will try to rush it on his end but that once it was at the State again, it was out of his control.

I know that Al told me last week that he saw someone sitting in his recliner during the night. He said that God told him it was now time to go to heaven to see Mom.

I am not going to argue Al’s words because who am I to judge?

Please pray that this goes quickly to get him home and that all the angels surround Al while he is still there.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

I always wanted to start something, but I am too shy to let others know. Even writing this makes me humble myself, as insecurities tend to run through me, but way down deep inside, I know I can do it.

I was the regular housewife with kids that sold Tupperware, and Amway. It was fun, but the ones who made the big money were the people who worked well above normal hours. I felt like I was putting too much effort for too little return.

I had an antique store for a few years. I loved it. Antiques were in my blood and still are. If I could do anything I wanted and was guaranteed not to fail; it would be a wonderful day here on earth.

Being able to take care of my brother, deal with life’s ups and downs and still succeed is the closest thing to heaven.

I would love to open up another antique store with an adjoining building for an auction house. I could buy and sell through the auction or have the choice of placing pieces in the store.

The other idea that I have had for years was to open up an agency. A health-care agency. I would utilize all ages. The younger generation would be closely looked at in their backgrounds. The resume would never be required. Instead I would have a timely interview with coffee and donuts and find out what your goals are and what your heart is really like.

You would be going to people’s homes and doing light cleaning, grocery shopping, running errands, and fixing meals. You would be required to assist in bathing. There would be one half hour before you did any physical work where you would have to sit down with the patient and chat. Let them know you care. Brighten up their day by reading to them, or let them talk about their past.

For the older generation, have you ever sat and listened to their stories? They have a wonderful past to talk about. These great people have something lonely hearts need and desire, company. This would be on a volunteer basis, with perks included.

I would be handing you coupons for restaurants, or a ticket to a play or musical. Maybe a dinner out with a companion.

There is a  need for this in all areas. As the government programs are being sliced, more and more families are caring for members in their own homes. The added personal touches can make living those last days or weeks more comfortable.

We all need to be able to share a part of ourselves with other humans. With the technology of today, human contact is slipping. Cell phones, texting, computers, emails, even being able to buy stamps online, all make small differences in each others lives.

So this is what I would do if I had a guarantee in life for success. How can I choose over both desires? Maybe I could be successful enough and hire others and have my cake and eat it too and have both businesses at once.

Related articles

• Day 284. I Remember (weinstein365.wordpress.com)
• Daily Prompt: Memories For Sale (writingcanvas.wordpress.com)
• Diablo 3 bug sees trillions in gold duping, auction houses shutdown (wow.joystiq.com)
• Daily Prompt: Seven Days Free (layedbacklife.wordpress.com)
• Madness and Motherhood (helenarollason.wordpress.com)
• Cash In The Attic.com – From Dusty to Digital (sys-con.com)
• Confessions of an Auction Virgin (confettistyle.wordpress.com)
• Daily Prompt: Wall to Wall/The Ultimate Playland (peeksi.wordpress.com)
• Blackbird… Daily Prompt: Unleash Your Inner Dickinson. (ghoststoriesfiction.wordpress.com)
• iWrite (leahjlynn.wordpress.com)

I feel homesick for you

I don’t know your name

Or where you reside

I can see your smile

And the twinkle

In your eyes

I feel your gentle

Touch caress

My cheeks

Your lips

Cause the

Hairs on my

Arms to rise

Your soul

Penetrates my

Very core

And when I see

You walking

Towards me

My skin sheds

And melts into

Pooling ripples

Of love

I am homesick

For love a soft

Cushion

For me to fall

Gently and you

Take me in your

Arms and my

World is safe.

Terry Shepherd

05/17/2013

Your favorite meal

In hopes that it would

Make telling you easier

For me. I smiled

When I saw you

But you never

Smiled back

As the pain was

Overpowering your

Will to live

I choked and

I swallowed hard

And after we ate

I told you the

News that it was

Going to be yet

Another month.

Your shoulders dropped

And your tears did fall

My own heart

Fell and shattered

On the floor

I held your hand

And professed

That I care

That the day

The second that

I could take your arms

And help you into

The car I would do

It. We both shed tears

Although I promised

I would not but when

Yours fell so did mine

Baby brother I promise

You it hurt me more

To tell you of this delay

You wanted me to stay

But your spirits had dropped

I sat you in your chair

And watched you drift

Off to sleep then

I tiptoed out

Whispering

I love you Bud

I truly do.

Terry Shepherd

05/16/2013

Related articles

• A Sea… holding million drops of tears (arindammohapatra.wordpress.com)
• Escape To Nowhere… (theauthorsblogg.wordpress.com)
• unequivocally… His (unravelingmarimar.wordpress.com)
• Swallowed by the Cracks (poeticlinguist.wordpress.com)
• Tears (amandakennedyspoems.wordpress.com)
• The Spinal Straw – Losing It and Finding Myself (lisajeydavis.wordpress.com)
• Through the Door: Continued… (jodileasplace.wordpress.com)
• Your Tumors Are Growing. (emcfadden.wordpress.com)
• Painful swallows (dwpruitt.wordpress.com)
• Behind a friendly smile.. (itbeginswithaverse.wordpress.com)

Billie has nominated me for this Best Moment Award. Thank-you and big hugs Billie for thinking of me during your nomination process.

I have accepted this award before so instead of going on and saying repetitive things about myself, I will say the rules and nominate. I will also give you little pieces of me through photos that I take, and show you some of the awards I have received.

Thanks to all for the love and support you have given to me through this past year.

There are two simple rules for this;

1. Create an acceptance speech either by video or a written speech post
2. Pass the award on to 15 other bloggers

My nominations are;

hoping4astory
joyat60.wordpress.com

allegoricaldiamond
allegoricaldiamond.wordpress.com

whatwereyathinkin
deepthinker52.wordpress.com

sun peeking out

Related articles

• A Great Moment in My Life Award (experiencedtutors.wordpress.com)
• Best Moment Award (mymomsmemoirs.wordpress.com)
• Best Moment Award (layedbacklife.wordpress.com)
• Best Moment Award !!! (justmikemon.wordpress.com)
• Sweet! A Super Sweet Blogger Award! (barefairy.wordpress.com)
• A Great Moment in My Life Award (willeke73.wordpress.com)
• “Two Awards In One Week Shine On and WordPress Family Award” (donkeywhispererfarm2010.wordpress.com)
• Best Moment Award. (andlifesmile.wordpress.com)
• WordPress Family Award (adelineohvelarde.wordpress.com)
• Best Moment Award! (transcendingbordersblog.wordpress.com)

http://mygulitypleasures.wordpress.com

Vivi a very close friend of mine nominated me for this Wonderful Team Award.

Do you have any idea how it gives me goose bumps to know that I am accepted and a part of a wonderful team of bloggers? We are family. There is no doubt about it.

People with interesting and creative minds. Coming together as one unit. Having the ability to express ourselves through words and pictures. Being unafraid to share what is in our hearts. Knowing that no one shall criticize us for how we feel at this very moment. Sharing what our plans for the future are. Being able to trust that we can speak of our internal pain and know we are understood.

Thank-you so much Vivi. I have accepted this award once already, so I will not go into the rules of it. This reminds me of a song that I always craved in my own life, and find it more often than not here at the wonderful world of writing at WordPress.

Related articles

• The Wonderful Team Member Award Second Batch of Nominees (soadhachami.wordpress.com)
• Wonderful Team Member Award (makesomethingmondays.wordpress.com)
• Wonderful Team Member Readership Award – Thank You! (johannisthinking.com)
• Award The Wonderful Team Member Award (soadhachami.wordpress.com)
• The Wonderful Team Member Award (jemmyfarmer.wordpress.com)
• Sweet! A Super Sweet Blogger Award! (barefairy.wordpress.com)
• Wonderful Team Member Award (legendsofwindemere.com)
• The Wonderful Team Member Readership Award (williamlouisonpoetry.wordpress.com)
• Thanks for the “Wonderful Team Member” Award! (kerrichronicles.com)

So do I

A love for you

From my heart

To yours

I feel your pain

I hug your thoughts

Although we are two

Our hearts intertwine

My thoughts

Are with you

For always.

Terry Shepherd

05/16/2013

Related articles

• Wednesday (freshnewblog.wordpress.com)
• Sisters Of Amputee Brothers To Walk The Marathon Route One Month After Bombings (boston.cbslocal.com)
• B is for Brother and Sister (dsubmcnuggets.wordpress.com)
• To My Sister, To My Brother (kohleyesblog.wordpress.com)
• You Have To Start! (hellomynamescharleybeers.wordpress.com)
• Gal 1:2 and all the brothers who are with me, To the churches of Galatia: (calvinistview.com)
• The Woods (tobiasmastgrave.wordpress.com)
• From one generation to the next (chamsalife18.wordpress.com)
• Little Girl’s Wisdom (mowryjournal.com)

Everyone on the government level is looking out for Al’s best interest. So I am having mixed emotions at this very moment. I don’t want to sit down and cry because it will do nothing but give me one of those headaches that hang around my neck like a sore thumb until I sleep it off.

The meeting went fine. In fact I would say the representative and I hit it off fine and it was a piece of cake. I had all the documents he wanted here.

The bad news that I have to tell Al, is it is still going to be a month to a month and a half before the services take effect.

This rep has to enter all of the data given from the two meetings today. He stated he was swamped with work and it will take him some time. Then he has to send it in to the State and they have to check to make sure all is in order.

This small list of things to do can take so long. It is out of my hands now. I have done as required. All is finished. Everyone signing on the dotted line is now up to someone else to do in a timely manner.

I can deal with it. My heart will heal. Al could come home on June 1, but there would be no services for him. He wouldn’t get to go to the Day Program. I would not receive any help with his care here, he would just sit and stare at the TV, just him and I.

I see that for him, at least in the facility he can still socialize with other residents and staff. He can still go to the Day Program through the disability program. He can still go play Bingo.

I just dread the pitiful face I am going to see when I tell him not yet Bud. I do know that have learned from this tragic mistake of mine. Don’t take anyone’s word and set it in stone. If only I wouldn’t have told Al what others have told me. He wouldn’t have to go through this disappointment.

Can you love somebody too much? To the point that you can feel their pain and live through their emotions? I guess so, because I am right now.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

Related articles

• How I Borked My Leg (lifewithlyn.com)