Oh where are you
My precious love
That I may draw
Strength from
Your heart
That I might
Feel your power
And tuck me safely
Under your arm
And shelter me
From the evil
In the world
Where are you
My precious love
Can’t you see
It in my eyes
Can’t you hear
My heart beating
Here, look in
My direction
For I am
Waiting for you
Terry Shepherd
05/18/2013
A heart being used as a symbol of love.
Military-hospital
With his cane in one hand and a leash in the other he walked the shore line. Each step he took, his shadow followed, helping pave the way. Each morning Dan and his dog, Colonel walked the sandy beaches.
Dan would find his favorite spot and stand gazing out over the ocean. Memories finding their way back to the surface. Where once upon a time he was a prisoner behind walls of a military hospital. His mind was locked and nothing would come to him when he lie back on his pillow. Staring into blackness not even wondering who he was or what he was doing there.
At one time shot in the back of the head by the enemy forcing him into a deep coma for many months. Being fed by tubes and checked on hourly, he never moved nor blinked. Hidden within his own walls of protection he lay waiting for a kiss from the frog.
Visitors came and went. Doctors and nurses changing shifts, but he didn’t notice. There was no hope left to cling to. He would lie there until death came and knocked at his door wanting to take him home.
Then one day a fellow service man stopped by his bed. Deep in the shadows of his brain something triggered. A familiar voice from a friend gone by. Electricity began to spark within the cranial. Small lightening connecting tissue to nerve brought forth a new life.
Then his lungs took on a new look as breathing became deeper. Fingers gently moved and soon the footing of the bed stirred. Eyes opened and he looked into his buddy that he had served with during war.
A loving touch placed on his arm and a finger felt on his face as tears were being wiped a way. Arms outstretched grabbing hold of a cotton gown bringing warmth of another human life.
Doctor and nurse standing in back ground muttering, it’s a miracle, just plain nothing but a miracle.
The friend left so Dan could rest. He assured him he would be back the following day. Dan was once again tested and no miracles could be seen to the visible eye. But yet each hour Dan stayed awake more and more.
Soon he was taken off of the tubes and was fed soft diets. Each day his buddy would come and visit. He would sit with him and help him with his therapy so that one day he was able to stand on his own two feet with the help of only a cane.
Talk between the two was of the past war. Bits and pieces of what Dan heard began to click. A story of pride and love and strength formed in his head. God had done a miraculous job of hiding or destroying all the terrible things Dan had seen.
His friend lived on an ocean front and his wife had passed away suddenly. He was all alone and needed a friend. Dan needed a place to go and the invitation to come live with his comrade didn’t need second thinking.
The day came and Dan was introduced to the ocean. A new friend was introduced, whose name was Colonel. Each day grew a deeper bond between war buddies and man’s best friend. Each week brought renewed strength. Until a new habit was formed. You could always count on Dan and Colonel being seen together looking out over the ocean’s view.
It was 4:45 am and I was sleeping sound. I awoke with my eyes wide open. It was still dark 
and I was getting ready to turn the light on to see what time it was. When I moved my hand off the extra pillow I felt something.
It didn’t startle me like a crawling bug. It felt like jewelry.
A little over five years ago I wore this gold cross necklace during the year that I took care of my Dad. A few months after his burial I retired the necklace and have not looked at it since.
I felt whatever it was and put it in my fingers. Turning the light on I looked at what had been placed on my pillow and there was the cross.
I was not dreaming any of this. I was truly awake as I knew what time it was. I had changed the sheets yesterday. I had also used this extra pillow to prop my head up to watch TV last night.
I always lay the extra pillow right beside my pillow I actually use for sleeping. So there was no way in this world that the cross necklace could have been there. But yet, there it was. I kept it in my hand and took it with me to use the lady’s room.
I was just trying to figure out what was going on during my sleep when I felt a tug at my heart. It was saying, put it on, just put it on.
So I put it on and then without thinking I looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, I am ready Lord. I am ready for whatever it is that you want me to be ready for.
I went back to bed and sat up for a few minutes. Then I shut the lights off and went back to sleep.I felt really calm and was not even anxious. Sleep came easily. When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, the necklace was still around my neck.
I thought of my Dad and went back in time. I won’t take this off for a while.
Lord almighty
You have mysterious
Ways that you
Work and I will
Not even pretend
To understand
Your ways.
For whatever
Reason you or
A guardian angel
Placed this object
For me to see
And wear
I know without
A doubt you are
Here with me
Always and
By my side
Through my
Walk on this
Journey called
My life.
Terry Shepherd
05/03/2013
Today is Al, my brother’s birthday. Happy Birthday little Brother. I love you so much!
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964
Mind keeps returning
No matter how hard
I try to go to
Another place
Restless sleep
Tired feelings
Over take my
Body now tired
And worn
Feeling ten
Years older
Than the
Calendar says
Open up the mind
Let the birds fly
Over the ocean
Wave good-bye
As though they
Will never return
When I turn around
There you are
Once again….
Terry Shepherd
05/01/2013
Do not suck
The life out of
My loins for
I will crumble
In front of your
Feet, tears
Scrambling to
Find a place to hide
My heart laying in
Pieces for the
eyes to see
Please don’t go
Stay near my side
Love me forever
Say you will never leave.
Terry Shepherd
04/30/2013
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt, Daily Post
Early bird, or night owl?
My Mom told me one time when I was still living under my parents roof, that one day I would change. I would hate going to bed late and sleeping late.
I never did change but altered some due to age, worries and stress.
I was one who could sleep until noon no matter what time I went to bed when I was in my teens. When I reached my twenties I could not do it any longer. I had a children, but I missed it dearly. When the kiddies would spend the night at Grandma’s house, I slept in. Oh that was so nice.
In my thirties and forties I was going through difficult emotional times with marriages and I was a quick change artist. I could get up if I had to with no problem. But emotions ran high so some days I would seem to sleep forever.
Now in my late fifties, I have had the biggest change. My doctor blames it on being older and stress and worries. I am tired too often. Some days you will knock at my door in the middle of the afternoon and my eyes will be filled with little sleepies where I was napping.
At bedtime I am tired but can not sleep. I will stay up until around 2am watching King of Queens or the Golden Girls. I force myself to lie down and close my eyes, but they pop up often during the night.
When early morning comes and dawn is beginning to break my eyes are once again open and I am ready to get up. I often do this too. I will be up for a couple of hours and then I am ready to take a nap.
It is so silly and yet it seems to happen often. This has been going on pretty much since Al left. I think there are parts of me that not only worry about him but maybe more that I miss him.
When he comes home he and I will have to be up at 6am. He will need to be on the transportation bus by 7:30 and I believe it will take that long to get him around and include breakfast, but I don’t mind. I will adjust and I will have my brother back home with me.
Birds scrambling
The same going
On inside my head
Thoughts going
Nowhere everywhere
Fluttering as the
Wings of birds
Going in all
Directions
Please land
Please find space
Settle down
Breathe slowly
Place thy hand
Over the chestbone
Feel the heart
Beating calmly
Wild scenes
Turn into calming
Seas with white
Seagulls flying
Easily ore’ the
Waters streaming
As if in complete
Control of
The day
Ahead of them.
Terry Shepherd
04/26/2013
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
I have known for many years that I love to help others. I can sense even through gestures that a heart is hurting.
I never knew that part of this was because of what happened to my own self when I was young.
Now that I am writing a book about my brother, Al‘s Life Journey, I have discovered pieces of a puzzle that make me who I am today.
Pain is something we are able to shove way back into our mind.
Although it does manage to creep forward through words we speak and actions we take it is something that follows us throughout our lives.
Helping others and walking with my brother through Parkinson’s Disease have been my goal for so very long.
I have tried to place myself in various scenarios to have a taste of what it is like to be free and happy but I feel to uncomfortable and go back to my familiar seat.
Even the first book that I wrote and is about to be public to the world is about disabilities and how to over come them.
When I forced myself to say it out loud that I too had suffered from abuse and my brother was too I find it a miracle that Al and I are as healthy as we are today. The key to unleashing what has happened in our past is forgiveness.
I didn’t ask for anything that happened to me as a child, nor did Al or anyone else that has suffered at the minds and hands of other humans. Yet for many of us we carry the burden with us weighing us down from enjoying our lives and being the ultimate best that God wanted us to be.
How do we forgive ourselves? I am not sure as I am still sorting through the reality of my life. I do know that I have forgiven all that were involved with my young childhood. I realize that fear, and lack of knowledge can cause people to make mega mistakes.
But why do they go on with their lives and the ones who suffered the damage have been halted in their footsteps? Guilt, I believe is my own answer. It sounds so silly to think this but I blame myself.
I think things like maybe I cried too much. Maybe I was too demanding. Maybe I reminded them of someone else. Maybe I talked to much. I could go on and on but it is a waste of time. I want to become the trickles in the brook, running smoothly down stream, joining at the end of the pool. Glistening in the sunlight, and when you look into the deep reflections you see peace and feel it surrounding you as you stare back at yourself.
I want to be a part of the school of fish, swimming in one direction. I want to never be the one who tries to swim upstream while others are flowing easily into the next moment.
For me, I need to forgive myself for what has happened. I need to drop off my luggage at the local recyclable plant and never look back. I want to admit that I can not fix my brother, but I can walk with him through his journey and show him that he is loved.
When I was invited to be a guest on a radio show yesterday to speak about Parkinson’s I was more than honored and excited. I was thrilled to be able to finally give a part of myself to others. I know with what knowledge I have and my gifts God has given me I can help others to let their own baggage go also.
This is dedicated to my very special friend, Sara, who was once a WP blogger but carried the guilt of what happened to her into an early death. Still think of you often Sara, and I will always think of you with love.
Parkinson’s UK balloons
I got a call from the nurse where Al lives and she told me that the family doctor had just been in and had prescribed an anti-depressant for Al. I freaked and asked her when they were going to give him the first dose and she said the first thing in the morning.
I asked her to please wait until I got back with her. I needed to talk to the doctor. I called and left him a message and he returned my call immediately. I told him about how two years ago Al was last on one of those types of medications. I explained how he had a terrible seizure from it and he couldn’t walk for almost six weeks.
I told him my fears and asked him if he still wanted to give it to him after my information. (This doctor was not our doctor two years ago)
He said, “Terry I just saw him. He is in so much pain and so depressed and sad. He is on the pain patch and now two more weak pain medications. He can’t take anymore. There is nothing I can do but to keep him comfortable. We have to try to lift some of his sadness. I have weighed the pros and cons and the pros are slightly in his favor. He does have the risk of seizures again but we won’t know unless we try, ok?”
I started crying right there on the phone. He told me, “Parkinson’s is a rough and dirty disease. It is beating Al up. How can you and I sit here and watch him suffer every single day.”
He didn’t know it but I was sitting here nodding my head. I knew I agreed with him but it just seems there is no licking this disease. I told him that I would call the nurse back and give her the go ahead for the medication.
I know I am supposed to be strong but here I am once again, a big weak mess. Watching the life disappear out of his life is harder I think than anything I have witnessed in a few years.
Something new
Something borrowed
Something blue
Today when I visited Al
He had something new
To say, something
Borrowed from a
Scary movie I once watched
And something that
Made me blue
For the first time
I knew without thinking
That Al is beginning
Another part of the
Nasty Parkinson’s Disease
I took him lunch
Which I try to do
On Sunday noons
As our families
Used to do
Right in the middle
Of eating his fries
He looked at the floor
And then rubbed his eyes
He asked me if I saw
What he had seen
I looked at the floor
And said no it is clean
He said little animals
Were all over the floor
But when he rubbed his eyes
And looked again they were never more………….
Terry Shepherd
04/14/2014
