The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
I have known for many years that I love to help others. I can sense even through gestures that a heart is hurting.
I never knew that part of this was because of what happened to my own self when I was young.
Now that I am writing a book about my brother, Al‘s Life Journey, I have discovered pieces of a puzzle that make me who I am today.
Pain is something we are able to shove way back into our mind.
Although it does manage to creep forward through words we speak and actions we take it is something that follows us throughout our lives.
Helping others and walking with my brother through Parkinson’s Disease have been my goal for so very long.
I have tried to place myself in various scenarios to have a taste of what it is like to be free and happy but I feel to uncomfortable and go back to my familiar seat.
Even the first book that I wrote and is about to be public to the world is about disabilities and how to over come them.
When I forced myself to say it out loud that I too had suffered from abuse and my brother was too I find it a miracle that Al and I are as healthy as we are today. The key to unleashing what has happened in our past is forgiveness.
I didn’t ask for anything that happened to me as a child, nor did Al or anyone else that has suffered at the minds and hands of other humans. Yet for many of us we carry the burden with us weighing us down from enjoying our lives and being the ultimate best that God wanted us to be.
How do we forgive ourselves? I am not sure as I am still sorting through the reality of my life. I do know that I have forgiven all that were involved with my young childhood. I realize that fear, and lack of knowledge can cause people to make mega mistakes.
But why do they go on with their lives and the ones who suffered the damage have been halted in their footsteps? Guilt, I believe is my own answer. It sounds so silly to think this but I blame myself.
I think things like maybe I cried too much. Maybe I was too demanding. Maybe I reminded them of someone else. Maybe I talked to much. I could go on and on but it is a waste of time. I want to become the trickles in the brook, running smoothly down stream, joining at the end of the pool. Glistening in the sunlight, and when you look into the deep reflections you see peace and feel it surrounding you as you stare back at yourself.
I want to be a part of the school of fish, swimming in one direction. I want to never be the one who tries to swim upstream while others are flowing easily into the next moment.
For me, I need to forgive myself for what has happened. I need to drop off my luggage at the local recyclable plant and never look back. I want to admit that I can not fix my brother, but I can walk with him through his journey and show him that he is loved.
When I was invited to be a guest on a radio show yesterday to speak about Parkinson’s I was more than honored and excited. I was thrilled to be able to finally give a part of myself to others. I know with what knowledge I have and my gifts God has given me I can help others to let their own baggage go also.
This is dedicated to my very special friend, Sara, who was once a WP blogger but carried the guilt of what happened to her into an early death. Still think of you often Sara, and I will always think of you with love.