A Real Dirty Post

HPIM0251If I am content then why oh why

Is everything I am doing for him

Eating me just under my skin

Forcing me to keep my eye lids dry.

The whole weekend long

He cried and cried

No matter what I tried

He is still wishing he would die.

I know I can’t give him what he used to do

It is only me and he takes the work of two

I realize his Day Program lights his life

But here at home it’s nothing but strife.

When he needed to go the number 2

I gave him his time to do the do

But when I went back to check on him

My face turned sour and I felt so grim.

He had decided to help himself

The evidence was clear from the towel on the shelf

Mess was on his skin and clothes

I felt like I needed to use the power hose.

I talked to him about how this ain’t cool

The germs he can pick up, a nasty tool

Of course he cried and I shut up

I cleaned him up and tears filled my cup.

I love my brother but I hate this disease

I can’t take it out on him even though I please

It isn’t his fault that his days are not

The way he remembers is all he’s got.

A sister, a caregiver is who I am

Doing what I need to do for him

So why am I kicking my butt all around

Causing myself grief, landing on the ground.

I pray for this to go a way

I can’t afford to feel this for today

I have no choice but to go to God

For I am not perfect, I am greatly flawed.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd


What Others Say Can Harm You

Bay to Breakers "AmBEERlance". A keg...

Bay to Breakers “AmBEERlance”. A kegger a day keeps the pain away. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today I went to see Al. He was listening to his coca cola bottle radio with his headphones. He was in a pretty good mood. When it came time to take him potty before lunch he all of a sudden got bad leg pains. He started to whimper and I observed the one absolutely fabulous aide took her time with him. They accomplished the deed and he was to push himself out of his room and head down to lunch.

He was still whimpering from the pain so he stopped at the Nurse Station and asked for a pain pill. A nurse, over the weekend  informed me that Al had not been requesting PRN pain  medications for some time. I was happy to hear that the new increase of his pain patch was still working.

While waiting for the nurse to give him his medication I made a comment that I was so pleased that Al had not been asking for more pills. She got in his file and said,”Who told you that?”


“Well it says right here he asked for PRN medications on the average of one to two times each day.”

She began telling me the times and days. Once again I had been duped by that stupid Nurse. I am sorry, I shouldn’t call her that, but I can’t help it.

Al was fine while we were at lunch. He was cutting up and smiling. He is usually in a good mood on Tuesdays as he gets to get out of there for the afternoon. His  driver takes him to an outing or to the Day  Program.

The driver arrived and when Al was trying to release the manual brakes of his wheelchair, he wasn’t strong enough. He started to whimper and feel embarrassed. I hated myself at that moment, because I started to freak.

We were in front of everyone. Here he was jabbering on and on how he was stupid and couldn’t make the wheelchair go. I tried to reason with him and explain about taking the chance of getting too upset and being placed back in isolation.

He wasn’t listening to me. He was too into what he could not do. I took him down to his room and washed his hands and face from lunch. I was still using different tactics to calm him down. His tremors were as busy as a bee. He was teary eyed all the way to the front door.

The problem here is what the facility has done to my emotions over this past weekend. I don’t like freaking out because Al doesn’t like it that he can’t do things he used to. The plain old truth is that because he is out of the lock down room, his PD is still very active.

He isn’t going to feel any better physically. I am just trying to gear his mind to other places, but in the end, the facility has made me feel very vulnerable. Are they going to put him back in isolation? Is he going to say he wants to die again? I am worried. I don’t want him to have to go back there or be kicked out.

I kicked myself all the way out the front door. I watched him being loaded and as I left in my car I prayed he settled down. I have to stop being afraid, but I don’t know how. I am not afraid for me or to speak up to this rotten place, I am afraid for Al.

A Cry to God

Brick Barn

A cry could be heard. ” Help me, please somebody help me.” A man who had been secretly living in the woods heard the echos of the voice. Stamping out his small fire he raced to the voice’s direction.

The man knew he would be trespassing but he had to help. He opened the barn door wide. His eyes adjusting to the dark inside. Yellow eyes turned in his direction. Fear took over the stranger. Urine ran down  his pant legs as he saw the size of the beast.

In the corner standing on several stacks of hay was a young boy. Guessing to be around the age of ten he looked much smaller than the wild beast who had decided he was hungry.

The animal turned a way from the stranger. The size of the two humans was an easy quest to be decided. Smaller was better.  He lunged at the boy and missed his mark as the target moved one more stack up.

The stranger picked up a shovel and charged the animal trying to hit him hard enough to knock him out. He got within inches when the beast turned and clawed him slapping him to the ground. The man rolled over a few times and bumped his head on something hard.

Turning back to his prey the creature honed in and leaped to the spot where the boy was huddled. With open jaws he managed to chomp down on an arm and dragged him to the ground.

The trespasser woke and saw what was happening. He had nothing to use. There was nothing to protect him  in sight. He once again charged at the animal. He landed on top of the wild animal. He rode him digging his legs into the creature’s side.

The beast released his jaws on the boy and rolled his neck back. He saw his enemy and tossed him but the man clung tight. The two struggled in the hay strewn over the barn floor. Each fighting for their lives. There was no thought of the young boy any longer. It was man against beast.

The growls from the animal stirred a commotion among the barn animals. The lone sleeper  in the house was  awakened. Pa grabbing his boots and coat grabbed his gun. Racing to the barn just as the boy was climbing down the hay a gun shot was heard.

The noise startled the animal and he took off running out the doors. Pa had meant to kill the beast but at the second he pulled the trigger his son was running to him. He fell to the ground crying,” Papa, Papa it hurts.”

Papa ran to him throwing his rifle down. He picked up his son in his arms and gently rocked him back and forth. As he glanced in the direction of the strange man he tried to sooth his son by saying,”It’s going to be alright son. Oh God, I am so sorry son. I didn’t mean to hurt you”.

Please Almighty God let my son live. I didn’t mean to shoot him. It was an accident. Oh God help me.

The stranger lay in the spot the beast left him. Too weak to stand. Blood seeping from puncture wounds. Inside he was praying also, and cursing himself that he could do nothing but lay here and watch.

The sobbing from the young boys body became quiet. His boy lay lifeless as he died in his Papa’s arms. The stranger closed his eyes trying to keep tears in but they found their way and were running down his cheeks.

Papa grabbed his boy and hugged him tighter. ” I am so sorry son, I am so sorry. God, you didn’t listen to me. You ignored me. What kind of God are you that you would let an innocent child die? Where were you when I called out to you? Why, why did you ignore me? he sobbed into the rafters.

He held his son close to him kissing his forehead. He ran his fingers through his hair. Tears pouring out of his eyes he finally admitted defeat and lay him down on the hay. He curled himself in a ball and sobbed for his child.

How can I ever forgive myself for this? What have I done to my son? I can’t live with this. Where were you God when I needed you?

The stranger tried to move and was able to edge his way closer to the son’s papa. Pain was running through his body and he heard his own moans coming from his throat. Still he continued to move closer to the grieving man.

Something inside of the father stirred him to move. He sat up with blank eyes . A look of anguish  plastered over his face.

Papa stood up and picked up his son. He walked out of the barn and laid the boy in the soft blades of grass. He walked back into the barn and grabbed a  horse blanket. He placed it over his son.

He then walked to the stranger and knelt down.” Are you going to be alright? Are you hurt bad? I can see the blood coming from you leg. I will go in the house and call a doctor to get you some help.”

He reached for another blanket and covered the stranger. He walked towards the house and disappeared behind the front door. The stranger laid there moving his arms and legs. Checking out his damages. He knew he was going to be alright as long as he got help.

He laid there going over in his mind all that had just happened. He drifted in and out of sleep his body adjusting to the pain. Soon a shadow over came him and he opened his eyes to look into the doctor’s face.

The doctor was able to clean him up enough so that he could be taken in the car to his office. He walked outside and picked up the dead child and placed him inside the back seat of his car.

” Don’t you think we should let the father know we are leaving? I am sure he will want to come along for his son.”

” No, there is no need. I have already called for an ambulance. I knocked at the front door several times but no one answered. I looked through the window and saw a body on the floor. I went inside to find he had taken his own life. I think we should get you to a doctor.”

The doctor drove his car from the barn to the house. He carried the son’s body inside and laid it next to his Papa. Carefully covering both bodies he walked back to his car. The ambulance pulled up and the doctor motioned towards the open door. He then got in his car and drove towards his office to stitch up this man.


Who To Trust


It’s getting to the place that I have few I can trust. You are thinking gee, what happened to her?

It is just no matter who I talk to anymore whether it is about car tire pressure, or car lots selling cars or even professionals their words are not quite the same as the next persons.

I trust each of my friends here at WP. I trust my very best friend. I trust God.

Are you thinking,what has brought this up? Probably and I will answer.

I called the nursing home and asked how Al had been doing this morning. The nurse said good, no complaints from him. So I had her ask him if he would like me to bring lunch from the DQ and the answer came back yes.

I get there and he is laying on his bed. There is blood spots all over the floor. His bed is wet. He has a bloody rag in his hands and his mustache is filled with blood. I asked,”What happened?”

He starts crying and I do figure out from the pieces I hear him saying that he has had another nose bleed. This is like I don’t even know anymore how many, too many. I go to find out more information from the nurse.

Part of me is upset because there is a dirty pad in his chair filled with blood and left-overs of some type of food. The floor is as I said blood spotted. He is crying. What am I supposed to think.

I couldn’t find the nurse as usual. I go back in to Al and he sees the lunch I brought. He fights with all his power to sit up and the nose goes into more of a run now with the blood. He struggles to get in his wheel chair but does it. He has to use the bathroom so he puts his call light on. We wait a few but no one comes so I go on the hunt again for the aide and the nurse.

I do find the nurse and get the picture of what has been happening. Another nose bleed she says. She says,” I think Al is picking his nose and making it bleed. I stuck a flash light towards the opening of his nostril and I saw a scab.”

Ok I am thinking. So we turn to go check out Al and he is gone. I hear the stool flush so I now know where he is. The nurse calls me a way from the door and whispers, “Watch in the mirror here in the hall.”

I am thinking what? but I watch. Soon Al walks without his walker back to his wheelchair. I am amazed that he did it better than I thought. He stumbled a little but caught himself on whatever was close for him.

She and I walk in and she says, ” He can do more than he is letting on. He just wants your pity.” I said, ” What about the times when I am not here? Does he want my pity then too?” She just looked at me. Al heard all of this. He is so extra sensitive with his feelings. According to the neurologist this is a part of the Parkinson’s.

The nurse tells him,” You are just pulling your sister’s leg.” This really set his emotions off. He started crying. His nose started bleeding more. The  nurse told him,”If you don’t stop the crying I am going to have to send you to the ER to get your nose packed.”

Al tried to quit but the tears just got faster. The tremors went in quad speed. The blizzard he was holding was spilling all over his clothes. His nose was running blood. It was a mess.

The nurse left and an aide came in. Between her and I we went through three wash cloths of blood and a clean outfit. He cried the whole time I was there. So he never ate his lunch and he spilled half of his drink.

This is my opinion. Al has been belittled by his Dad all his life. He has always been very sensitive. Now that the PD is in full swing his sensitivity is so strong that every little word that is attacking him he burst in to tears. The nurse’s words upset him.

I think Al is very very emotional. He gets his feelings hurt pretty easy. Just seeing what had just transpired proved me more right than wrong. I went out in the hall while the aide changed his clothes.

The nurse was waiting outside the door as if she was listening to the inside conversation. She said,” See he is just crying for your pity.”

When he was all cleaned up and it was him and I again I asked him how he could walk to the bathroom without help or the wheelchair. His explanation was this. ” I put on the call light but I can’t always hold it long enough until help gets here. I pee my pants. So I have quit putting the call light on. I can’t make the wheel chair go in the direction I need it to in this small room so I just walk to the bathroom and back to my seat.”

Part of me understood what he was saying but I told him I didn’t like him walking without someone being there with him, but he said, “Sis, I have to go pee and it won’t wait.”

Then he got all confused and told me he couldn’t walk down to the dining room. I told him that he was right. So the conversation and confusion about what to use when to use was all lost.

Getting Al to understand what I am saying is really difficult the more he has PD. I helped him lie down and told him to rest or take a nap. I took his food to the nurse and asked her to label it as he may want it later. I asked her to chart that he ate very little and she asked why. I just walked back to Al’s room without answering.

I know that was rude. I am sorry. I was frustrated. I didn’t know what to believe or who to believe. The nurse came back in to check on his bleeding and told me, ” You have to use tough love.”

I felt one tear from one eye and then one from the other.I didn’t want to show my tears.  I told Al I loved him and that I hoped he would feel better. I said I would be back Tuesday. His room was filled with bloody rags and still spots all over  the floor. The room smelled like stale pee. I turned to walk out and saw the nurse smiling at me. I walked on by.

Who do I trust? Me, the nurse, Al, God, who? My heart may be too involved with Al, I don’t know. All I do know is what I observed today. A mixed up PD guy who didn’t eat, was a bloody mess, and had never stopped crying. Am I too soft on  him? Or does he just have good days and bad? Am I guilty in some way of him being in that wheelchair? Should I have practiced tough love and maybe he would still be walking?

I don’t have the answers. I do wish the nurse would have called me and let me know what was happening. I wasted the time and money on the food that he didn’t eat, and I left just as sad as Al was.

Mom & Dad

Cries of the Past

Standing under our favorite weeping willow tree

Seeing the swing that we too often sat on

Looking out over the waters flowing to channels

Birds calling to each other, babies please come home

I look to my side and don’t see anyone

But my shadow mocking my every move

I look up to the skies so blue

And luring me through white cotton balls

My mind reaches beyond the color of my eyes

Depths of haze that will fog my sight

I reach deep within my soul and I force out

The cries that have been buried deep within

Crashing the heavens with my urges

To see them once again

The flying creatures take refuge

As the shatters of my thoughts

Pierce the heavens far from my reach

My shadow falls to the ground

As the breath is shaken from the soul

My body follows in repetition

Lying beside the broken sillouette

Tears come sobbing from deep within

Rocking my world shaking my spirit

No one comes to my rescue

No one hears my cries

I grab the green grass between weak fingers

Smelling the earth of where bodies rest

No more request the world now silent

A voice whispers gently in my ear

My dear child I have heard your cries

Here let me wipe your tears

Stand up and stay strong

Walk with your head held high

For they know of your love

And I have instructed them

That you will be along soon enough

You must go forth and spread the word

Bring as many children to me as you can

Only when you have completed my task

Will you be joined with them once again.

I feel his hands reach my weak body

He tenderly stands me up brushing me off

With gentle fingers he turns tears to smiles

He blows strength into my body

And my feet begin the journey

He has directed me towards

I can see nothing as I look around

But our two spirits have connected

His hands disappear back to

The heavens and the birds

Begin to come to life once again

The skies bluer than water

Puffy clouds sheltering my walk

As I complete what makes my soul unbroken.

Terry Shepherd


Bad To Worse

English: 'A pain stabbed my heart as it did ev...

I received a call today on my drive to my water class. When I entered the front doors, I broke down crying. People stared but I didn’t care. Let them stare, they did not know me. I went to my class and my teacher looked at me and I smiled, but she sensed, I guess, that something is wrong. I told her a tiny piece and she said all will be alright.

For a split second I wanted to scream at her saying no it isn’t. Quit telling me it is going to be alright. It is never going to get better. I lied and kept smiling and told her I was sure it would be.

I did my hour of class. I tried real hard to pretend to enjoy it but all the while I kept thinking back to the recent phone call.

The call went something like this, Hello Terry? Yes this is she. I just wanted to let you know that Al is still reacting to everything. He is on a big pity party. He wants all of our attention and we are too big of a company to do this for him. He takes everything we say personally instead of the way we are intending it to be. I am afraid we can not tolerate the tears and anger that he shows. He has sworn at staff. We are going to have to find some other resources for him. I said, I am driving and after class I will be in. Thank-you for calling.

I went in after class and saw him heading back to his room from lunch. I talked to the nurse for a moment as I waited for him to make his way closer. She told me that she will not tolerate his pain being used for excuses of bad behavior. She explained that she has an autistic child at home who is 10 and she does the tough love thing, and she will do this for Al also. I just looked at her and continued to wait on Al.

When we got to his room I did discuss with him about behaviors and what was told to me. He started crying. I told him I certainly understand his pain but he can not be rude to others because of the pain. He asked what he did or had said and I told him what was explained to me. He didn’t remember any of it and he cried harder.

He told me that when he gets to the dining room he can not get himself under the dining table and he asked for help like I said to do, but they told him he could do it himself. I was so exhausted. I hate to bring me into the story. But the he said and they said just drive me crazy.

I told him to hang on. I said I was going to go get the social worker and bring her down so the three of us could sort through this. I left and went to her office. She welcomed me in. This is what I heard from this end.

Al made a comment to another resident that he was stupid and didn’t know how to get out-of-the-way. Fortunately for Al the resident was hard of hearing or we would have to report this to state. He is causing scenes by crying and being overly sensitive. We can not have this here. We are going to have to find another place for him to go.

She gets on the phone and makes a call, then the phone is handed to me.

We are going to meet with you Terry at your home one day next week. We have a couple of choices. He can go to a group home and I am placing him on the waiting list as we speak, or he can be placed on a Medicaid Waiver and he will be returned back to his home. It is possible that the waiver will make changes to your home so that wheel chairs can fit everywhere. It is possible that he will have help through the waiver for caregiver help.

The social service director said that it was two weeks until Al starts the special funding program of going out, but he may not make it until that time gets here.  She told me to take a vacation and they would watch over him better than normal while I was gone. She stated that he could live for years to come and it would be a long time before I got another break.

She handed me a brand new book free of charge that talks about Parkinson’s/Dementia. She told me to go home and read it. She ended the conversation by saying,

I have to run some errands. I need to go to the bank and cash my check. I will let you know when I get a phone call.

I feel like placing him there was a mistake. They pushed therapy on his legs without my approval. He is now in more pain than when he was home. They made me feel like it was abnormal for Al to want one on one attention and if he wanted that, he needed to go else where.

I realize the Parkinson’s progresses but I have to admit I have never seen him as emotionally upset and crying and angry as I see him now. I can’t blame the facility. In fact I can’t pin point anyone because I don’t know why this is happening. All I know is everything is a mess. They have taken all of his money. He may come home or he may be placed with moderately to severe mental handicapped people.

I am not crying now. I already did that. I am more numb than anything. I turn my thoughts around in circles seeing nothing anywhere. I am tired, I am worn down, and I realize I am not alone, I have all of you. But, as I sit here, I sure feel alone.

Good News

Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars

Every little chance I see God working in our lives, I have to, well I am going to say, brag, scream, yell, and jump up and down and tell it to anyone who will listen! Today is one of those days my friends.

First of all, you don’t realize how important your friendship is to me. Without the friendship, I would have very little support system. Without friendship from all of you I would not get the abundance of prayers.

God listens people! He really does. Did you know that each time I write words on the blank pages, he is  helping me? He does. I am the tool and he is the source that I drink from. I know that there may be a few of you who think I am foolish, but I am who I am and I believe In what I believe. This is the way God built me.

Today I had a meeting with Al’s facility. The first week he was no longer considered a visitor, there was a suggestion of maybe getting funding to help Al. With Al’s mentality, he is one of the few who are part of their system. Al is also considered very young, when you glance around and see the other neighbors there.

With the creative mind of one of the staff, today I received an answer. I met with three ladies who announced to me they were giving Al funding to be able to leave his room and go out into the world.

Paid staff from another business in our local city will go two to three times each week and pick up Al and take him to lunch, to antique stores. He may even get to go to a basketball game or two. He will be going to small cities close by and getting to socialize with small church group activities. He will be able to make new friends through all of this.

The sad  thing is I could barely take him out anymore. I just didn’t have a van for his accessibility. I didn’t have four arms. I felt so bad that he was forced by me to have to stay home more and more. But now, starting February first, will be a part of the world and the fun activities.

The three ladies and I walked down to his room. He was napping but I nudged him until I woke him up. He didn’t put his glasses on, but instead sort of looked at me with those hazy, sleepy eyes. I introduced the ladies to him and told him why they were there.

He didn’t get it. He started to lay back down to go back to sleep. I explained it twice more to him and finally I said, “Bud, wouldn’t you like to go out to eat with friends? Wouldn’t you like to go to antique stores and ride in a comfy van instead of suffering to get into my car”?

When I said antique stores and coca cola collectibles, he sat up. He looked at the ladies and then he looked at me. I couldn’t help but start crying from joy, as his glum little face turned into the biggest most innocent smile I had ever seen, as he shook his head yes.

Thank-you Lord for giving Al another miracle! This  gift from you  will allow Al to face each day of pain with a little brighter star. I thank-you for your love that you give to Al and me. I can never repay what you do for him. I am so blessed to have a father like you watching out over us. You realized Al needed to be able to have something to look forward to each day and you provided the perfect gift. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart. Amen.

A Night To Forget and Remember

Why is it almost every single time, my heart is squeezed when I leave Al at the facility. I tell him I love him, and my eyes instantly start to water. I hate the gut wrenching pain I carry with me as I exit the building.

Tonight was no better. The facility had a Christmas party for everyone. I arrived to see a sad man. He pulled out a card he had received in the mail today and then started to cry. Then he started swearing. I thought, wow, who could have sent him a card that would make him this upset? I had already done the dirty work Al had asked of me. I had told the people that they should leave him alone, so what is this all about?

He gave me the card and I opened it. I will be full of crap and shoved in it! It was from the aunt who causes Al so much grief. Although it was signed in our loving grandmother’s handwriting, the card was sent from the aunt. I hate to blame anyone for anything, but this woman ruined Al’s day and party. I just wish she would butt out! If you are out there, and you or one of your friend are reading this, please leave him alone!!You are making him suffer even worse than the PD!!

I did convince him to go to the party. I told him all of his friends would be there. He did go. We sat with some of his friends and I had the opportunity to meet some lovely people, that new our mother when she was growing up.

The song leader  lead a chorus of Christmas carols and then there were foods to be nibbled on and Santa even delivered each of the residents a gift. Al didn’t want to open his because he was just not in a jolly mood, so he had me open it and then I had him take it out of the package. He asked me to bring it home, which I did. It was a nice fuzzy blanket throw.

After the party was over, Al got up to leave the table and his legs froze right there on the spot. I think he was humiliated and he started to cry all over again. My poor brother, I love him so much. I just wish anything or anyone that would cause sadness in his life would just disappear. I wish I could fix everything. I wish I could blink a way the nasty Parkinson’s Disease. I wish we could go back to six years ago, when all was fine.

I did my best to look cheery, and talk about nothing important. I did get these photos. I am thankful to the lady who took Al and my picture together. I wish I would have taken off my coat though. I look fifty pounds heavier in it!!! LOL

al and meAlchristmas partychristmas party 2


Daily Prompt: Fight or Flight/ The Daily Post

This one is sort of hard for me, because first I had to look back at the last time I had the

Judge Joseph Bonaventure, by courtroom artist ...

fight or flight mood happen. As I was going back in memory lane, it came to me. It was about a year and a half ago.

I hesitated to write about this, because it was a sensitive topic, and the person involved still can trigger emotions in me yet today.

The topic is something that I rarely speak about out loud, as if it will curse me. You know what I mean. You start saying something negative about your car, and boom, it happens, what you talked about running so good, or having no problems, all of a sudden, it happens!

I have a wonderful brother, who by now you all know, but Al and I  also have a step-sister. A woman ten years younger than myself. I can remember a time when we were pretty close. It was the baby sister looking up to the big sister, wanting to be just like her, but things changed. Life changed, our father passed away. All three of us kids had the same father.

When dad passed a way, it was the worst time in my life, the worst tragedy that I have ever lived. It was worse than my divorce, or being more poor than I am now. There was a will, and that is when all hell broke loose.

Our father knew us well, he knew each of us and how we handled monies, and therefore, he made arrangements for each to have certain things at different times in our lives.

Dad was smart, I must say, he knew Al would always need extra help. Help with living arrangements, medical, and survival. Dad never knew that I took care of Al of course, but I guess that is hindsight, the real point here is that dad made sure Al would be alright if anything happened to him, dad.

Our sister wanted more than what she received, and so as a lot of people do, they attack  the weakest, which in this case was Al,  with his mentality. One day I went to the mail box, and there was that certain white, big envelope. The kind that sort of makes your stomach rumble as it doesn’t look like an ad or a bill.

I took it inside and opened it and learned that our sister was taking me to court to switch Al from my care to hers. I instantly got hot inside. I was too scared to cry, and I did not go immediately to God with my problem.

I sweated for the better part of these  two weeks before the court date. Al and I cried a lot, for fear of being separated from each other. I think I bit my nails down to the quick, and I lost some weight also.

One day a few days before the court date, a friend reminded me to go to the Lord with this. He was the miracle worker, he was the one that saw things for what they truly were, and he knew what was right from wrong.

I got on my knees and prayed. I can still remember it so well. Al got on his knees also, and we held hands, he cried and I prayed, and when we were finished, I felt so much calmer. I had come to a realm of new realization. I had nothing to fear. I knew that I was doing the best I could with Al’s care.

The day came, and my stomach started to churn. I sat in the front of the court room on my designated seat. Before, the judge walked in, I silently prayed again, for God to use my mouth to form the correct words. Please Lord, do not let me make a fool of myself from my nerves. Help me to look calm and confident.

The judge entered and the questions started coming at me. One, two, three, four, five, and finally it was over. I made my last statement, and my voice never quivered. As soon as I was finished, the judge looked back at my brother, who was sitting in the background, and he asked him to stand up. Al stood up and the judge asked him if he had anything he wanted to say.

My brother started crying very hard, and somewhere in between the cries and the silence of the room, the judge and I,  and all others involved heard my brother say,

Please don’t take me a way from my sister. I love living with her. I love her. We go places and she takes me out to eat and takes me to the Goodwill stores to buy coca-cola. I don’t want to live with the other sister.

I think when I looked or stared into the judges eyes as Al spoke, I could swear a saw one shiny tear fall from his eye. The judge coughed and cleared his throat, and looked back at me and said,

This case is a waste of my valuable time. There is nothing here to judge, as I can see Al is very well taken care of and is happy where he is living. Case is dismissed.

I said, I don’t know how many thank-you’s  to the judge, as he leaned from his pulpit and reached down and shook my hand. He said for me to continue the good job. I walked quickly over to Al, and he was still crying. With his mentality problems, he didn’t comprehend what was happening, so I just said,

Hey bud, you ready to go get something to eat and go home?

He looked at me and asked,

You mean home with you? and I said yes!

I got the biggest smile I have ever seen in my life taking care of him. He got it! He understood, we had won, and she had lost. He grabbed his hat and waved at the people in the courtroom, telling them goodbye, and we took off to go celebrate.

What a wonderful God we have walking beside us. Some of you can sit and say, I may have won without asking for God’s help, but really, why would I want to take such a big risk of losing and counting on my own nervous self? No way, I wanted God on my side as judge and jury.

Al and Polly

English: Coca-Cola 375 mL cans - 24 pack

English: Coca-Cola 375 mL cans – 24 pack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have never taken so many steps as I have the past three days since I moved back to Indiana. Maybe I will drop a pound! Today was a busy day, which I was very thankful for, but last night was taking me back to when my kids were infants, and you had to get up with them every two hours, and this is what I did.

I had been so exhausted from crying and tired from everything, that I took Polly outside at 10pm and then I went to bed, with her in her crate. It was wonderful, me, the television, my fan, and Polly was asleep. At midnight I had a terrible dream. I don’t know who it was or what it was, but I remember it was a deep, clear voice, and it said one thing. Al has just died. Yep, that was it, and I don’t even know if I can call that a dream, but that is all I remember and I jumped up out of bed and sat upright, looking around and no one was here. Then Polly started whimpering, feeding time and potty time, but this time she did not want to go back to sleep, but I did. I put her back in her crate, letting her know dark hours meant no play, but she didn’t get it, so she whined, I turned up the television, she whined louder, and I buried my head in the covers, but nothing worked.

I got back up and took her out and her little curly tail was just a going to town. She wanted to play! I did sit with her for a while and pet her and she loved that, so after she calmed down, I put her back to her bed, and she did not want that so the whimpering started again.

I got back up, geesh, I felt like a yo-yo. I got her back out and put her in bed with me and she crawled up to my shoulder, and buried herself in my body heat and went back to sleep and slept until five this morning.

Today was a new day. I fed her and took her potty. She is having troubles with drinking water, so I have to wet my finger from her bowl, and then she will drink. I really do believe I am a natural caregiver including animals now. LOL

I am still having trouble eating. I have found myself skipping meals or eating one tiny thing. I tried eating breakfast, but it did not want to stay down, so I gave that up. I told Polly that I had to go run some errands, and even though I knew she didn’t know, I put her back in her crate, and prayed she whimpered softly while I was gone. While out, I ran to the car lot to pick up a piece that had broken on my windshield wiper, where the spray comes out and washes your window? Yes, a tiny plastic piece that had cracked and cost $47.00. Expensive plastic if you ask me, then I went to Wal-Mart and took back the Ensure that I had bought for Al, because they would not let him have it,as it had to be a doctor’s order. It wasn’t even open, but it was a no go, and so I got Polly a flea collar because I found a few floating around on her and I do not want them multiplying in my  house, no way! I also bought her a wormer so I would have it in a few weeks when I can worm her, then I went to McDonald’s, and got a double cheeseburger and small diet, and I managed to keep that down.

Next, I went to see Al. I got to see his new room. It was much better,with a window view. I took him three bags of briefs and a bag of pads for his recliner a coca cola polar bear clock and a case of soda. I looked the room over and it definitely had more floor space but no more space than the other room as far as places to place knickknacks. Al was not in his room, he was down in the dining room and had just finished up with his lunch. As he saw me he waved and smiled, a nice thing in my opinion.

Right a way he started telling me about his bigger room, and then I began fitting the pieces together as to why the nurse said he looked like a kid in a candy store when she showed him his new room, because the conversation went from bigger room to bringing in more coca cola and cars from home, but what he wanted to bring in was an antique coca cola dispenser.

Now we had discussed things that he was going to take and leave here at home, before he went to the nursing home, and we both agreed that he would leave this big, vintage piece at home so it would not get broken or taken. He tells me today that now he wants it because his room is bigger and I explain that there is no more room for any place to put things and he got upset with me. The tremors got bigger than they were when I got there, and the tears came back, and the guilt trip placed on me was too familiar.

For the first time since he has been gone, I was glad that I could get up off of the bed and walk a way from it. I went to the nurse explaining why he was upset and she said that she would tell him his room was full enough, and then I said thanks and went back to Al’s room and he was telling me I didn’t care about him and I didn’t love me. I looked him in the eye, and said bud, I came here with cards, soda, another clock for you, and newspapers to read. I do not have to stay and listen to this talk, and so I am leaving, and I will see you on another day, and with that I got up and walked out of his room, out of the building and came home to Polly, who was anxiously awaiting for me to pet her and play with her, her tail just a wagging away and she was giving me kisses, and I said out loud to myself, I love you brother, but I want some happiness too, and I will see you tomorrow, and then I went back to playing with Polly.