Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On


My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.

Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.valentinered rose

All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.

Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.

He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.

We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.

I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.

My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.

I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.

I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.

I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.

My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.

Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.

My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.

Picture it & Write/ Ermilia


http://ermiliablog.wordpress.compictureitandwrite2copy-1

sunset-jarIt’s where I wish I was

Right now, for I feel

Trapped within my own

Jar of life

The lid tightened

The colors foggy

Pressing against

The glass no one

Sees me as my

Reflection bounces

All around me

Forcing me to

Look inside

At my own person

I cry to get out

But you don’t

See my tears

It is up to me

To turn my

Entrapment into

A release

For my soul

For my health

I stop, and listen

My mind speaks

I must be free

Once again.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

08/04/2013

Al, Pain & Me


I went to see Al this morning, and he was not having a good day. I stayed about an hour and a half, while he went through some deep heat therapy. His legs were in great pain and he was in freezing modes today.

The therapists and I could not get much out of him today, as the pain was bigger than the day. He even asked me to go get the nurse for some pain medications. The therapy has stopped for Al, as far as the physical therapy. The professionals say there is no more that can be done for his legs any longer, but when they see Al struggling to walk or his legs buckling, they haul him into the therapy room and use the deep heat to try to loosen up the nasty Parkinson’s.

I left him when I walked him down to the lunch room, and I saw three two-handled cups sitting there for him a long with weighted silverware. I am so happy they are having him use these, as the last time I took him out to eat, he could barely lift the glass to his mouth, and struggled to use a straw.

I am just amazed at how Parkinson’s can move along so quickly, almost like week to week you see changes.

I have had so much good advice from all of you on here about me. I have just been so far down in the dumps, I can barely climb out. Everything makes me cry, the dog is causing me more grief than pleasure. I just don’t think it was probably good timing getting such a young pup at this time.

I decided that I had to do something. I am afraid to remain like this in this stage, for fear I will slip into some depression and I want to fight it if I can, so this morning, for the first time in months, I put make-up on. I looked in the mirror and asked, is this really you?

After leaving Al in the pain that he was, my heart felt so much lower than ever, I got in my car and the car or God took over, or something grabbed a hold of me, and said press on young lady, you have a life to live, now get out there! I am sure it was my own self scolding me, but anyways, my car went to the beauty shop, parked, and went in, and when I came out, I looked like this!

It has helped some, I am back to my down feeling, but some good happened today also, so I am  hopeful.

I Changed my Mind


DILO 3-21-07 Listening to Joyce Meyer

I changed my mind, as when I had accepted the last award today, I was writing no more, today,but I am sitting here in awe. Yes, I think my mouth is actually dropped and open, and it isn’t taking any food in.

I just watched Joyce Meyers, and I swear she knew me. It was like she had somehow received a letter from me or someone close that knows me because the entire message was for me!

I am sitting here with jaw dropped because, she made it very clear that I am beautiful, that God made me beautiful and in his own image, and that I am just what he wants me to be.

Now, I have gone through here stating to all of you that I have lost myself, and this is what she has talked about. Being a people pleaser, forgetting who I am, trying to do for others. She didn’t say I could not do for others, she stated that I am doing TOO much for others.

How can a three-letter word,too, be so darn important? Ask me, I know, I am that person. I have lost myself, and am trying to find out who I am, and who God says I am. I know that I am a caregiver for my brother, and I know I love to write, but other than that, I have no idea. I bet you all know more about me than I do about my own self.

I am going to have to ask god tonight to show me who it is that he hath made. What is special about me. What is it that he liked about me when he made this creature that sits here in front of my screen sometimes laughing, sometimes crying and sometimes questioning life.

She made me realize that God is crying because he knows I am crying and that I am not happy. I don’t think it is all about Al either, but he does have a huge part in it, because I ALLOWED him to over take my life.

So, I have work to do, lots of work. I need to kick this slight depression in the ass and toss it out the door! I am  a child of God, and he loves me! Why did it take her lesson to get me to see it? I don’t know. I almost missed the show, and then I was mentally kicked in the rear, turn it on!!!!!!

I am glad I did, and now to start finding out about what I am all about. I don’t have any idea why I am even asking this, but I felt the need to, please, help me find me again through prayer. I know there is something else about me that is worthy besides being a caregiver.

This blog page is sort of sad, but yet I am a little happier, because, I can, with your help and God’s help, quit trying to please parents who no longer are living, I can quit trying to please my children, who will always love me in the end, I hope. I can start to relax, and enjoy this life that God has given me, instead of stressing out each moment, wondering if I am doing enough.

Geesh, I love God and Joyce Meyers……………..

Temporay


Braun TV

Braun TV (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am mad today and I know not why

My brain is dead, not thinking

Movement is more like robotic

No blinking or winking.

I have not felt like this before

I can usually fight it

But today, I move from habit

Walking from pit to pit.

This can not be the norm

There has to be a reason

Too hot, no sleep

Or maybe it’s just the season.

I have spoken few words today

Which is so not like me

No family or friends have come

My friend ended up being the TV.

I hear the bad news coming over the box

There is nothing good to hear

It helps to keep me down and out

And to keep pouring out a tear.

I hope that this sound is temporary

For I don’t like how I feel

I want change to come for me

I have asked God for a better deal.

I Was Selfish Today


English: Groceries store at Boqueria market in...

English: Groceries store at Boqueria market in Barcelona. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a selfish side. I want to spend the few hours when the respite caregiver comes, for myself. I don’t want to pay bills, and I don’t want to get groceries, and I am not even sure if I want anyone around at this point. With this knowledge, I have put off for most of this week getting groceries, waiting for Al to have a better day.

I thought today was it. Al got up, said he slept well, took his shower without tears today, and seemed pretty good. I decided to go get groceries with him after lunch was over. He seemed alright with the idea, so I fixed his lunch and we took off for the store.

We get almost  there and he starts complaining of pain in his leg and ankle. My fault, I didn’t have any ibuprofen with me. I should have been quiet. I should have just turned around and went back home and got him the pills and a glass of water, but I wanted my own way. I had my mind-set on going to get groceries, and by gosh I was going to do this!

He tells me that I don’t care if he is in pain. He starts the poor me story all over again. I have heard it so many times these past couple of months, I know it by heart. Not meaning to sound cold and cruel, just pointing out it is said a lot. He doesn’t give me any silence, and he is crying and icky stuff is dripping down on his shirt. I drove listening to this for another half a mile and I was in the middle of a residential neighborhood, and I don’t know what came over me, but I slammed on my brakes pulling up  next to the curb. I put the car in park, and I looked him straight on, and I said, I have heard enough, I can’t take this anymore. I told him that no matter what I said to help him feel better about himself, I could not do it. I told him that he was getting very close to needing more help than I could give him, and we were going to have to discuss him living else where.

He doubled up his fist, but didn’t touch me. He told me to call the police, for why, I don’t know. He tried getting out of the car, and I told him to sit still and hush right this moment. I  told him if you get out of this car, someone is going to see you throwing this fit. They are going to call the police on you!!

I told him that I loved him, and I told him that I cared. I explained to him that I would give my right arm if I could fix this Parkinson’s, but I couldn’t do it. He went on to say the same things, he can’t walk right, he can’t do anything. I got out of the car and stood against the door praying for someone to take me out of here, just get me out of here. Nothing happened. I smoked a cigarette while he sat in the car and rambled on about how bad he has it.

I finished my cigarette and got back in the car. I once again in a slow, very clear voice, told him that I know this is frustrating to him, but I loved him, no matter how fast or slow he was, no matter if he was sick or healthy.  I tried my best to console him, but when he said, no one cares, I put the car in drive, and in silence drove to the grocery store.

Now I didn’t care who saw him crying, I didn’t care if he was crying. The only thing I cared about was that I was winning this one. I was getting my groceries!

We got to the store, and I did my shopping. He sat in his scooter and went so slowly, that people were having to go around him, and he cried all the way through the store. I went through the check out line, the bag boy helped me with the groceries to the car, and I drove home. Me happy that I got my food, and Al still crying.

Thank God, he is napping now.

How I Get Through


Resurrection of Christ

Resurrection of Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every time I am on a beat myself up trip, for not making Al smile, or forgetting something that he wanted, or oversleeping, or what ever it may be, I try to remember that I am loved by God and forgiven by Jesus. I know that I can never be perfect. I realize I can not please everyone who wants something from me. Sometime I have to say no. I am not worthy of anything in my life, yet I am also so blessed for just being myself and loving my almighty God.

I found this video one time at Easter, and have saved it for my own reassuring that I am alright. I am loved, even if I have no companion with me.I am loved, even though I make lots of mistakes.

Please let me share this special video with you to show you who you and I can always count on in our  lives  when the chips are down, or when  we are sad, or feel overwhelmed and stressed. Please copy and paste and watch and listen.

Thank you,

Terry Shepherd

To Move Forward


Sunrise.

Sunrise. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have set myself up for a new challenge. Do you ever talk about something and then it happens? Example, the car has been a good car, and then the next day, you see oil on the floor? I have never been in a car wreck, and later in the week, you total the car? This week I have been talking about change. I have admitted I do not do well with change. If you are going to change my life, you have to feed me bits and pieces at a time, so I can get used to the idea. Slowly it sinks in and then I am alright again. If you spring it on me, I get pretty depressed, a short depression, my stomach hurts and gurgles, I just want to lie down and sleep. I have talked about it so much, I have been given two changes today. I should have kept quiet! We have a wonderful caregiver, who has been giving Al his showers since early fall last year. She also took him on social outings, usually twice a week. She took him out to eat, and to the movies. They went to church concerts. She also took him to his favorite places which were the antique malls, so he could find coca cola items. The social outings had changed in April. It was just getting too difficult to care for him with his weakness in walking, feeling it was too unsafe with just one person with him. I had to admit it, she was right. She and I decided it was time to give them up unless it was something special. The hardest part of that whole scene was breaking the news to Al. I could immediately see the sadness come over his face. He has always been very social. He loves being around others, speaking to all, cutting up and laughing. It was good for him to get a break from me and be with people more like himself. Everyone needs friends, no matter what state of mind we are in. Meanwhile, here at WordPress, I have made many friends. Good people, god fearing people, and sincere people. I have enjoyed my writings, and reading the comments and vice versa. People have helped me without realizing it to draw even closer to God, allowing me to depend more on  him instead of my own. Trusting that God knows the right thing for me, and teaching me that I can not do anything without him by my side. Today, I had two challenges given to me. The caregiver that we both loved dearly, found a full-time job. I do not blame her. She has her own life to take care of, and knows what she needs financially. I knew that I could not afford to give her that kind of security, but I would have loved to. She starts next week, so her time with us is over. Usually, I would go into my short depression, and my stomach would knot up, and I would want to nap. Instead, I found myself asking what does God have in store for me now. What new doors was he about to open for me. Although, my heart bleeds for the loss of a good worker and a close friend, I have to say good-bye. The second challenge was Al. He does much worse with challenges than I do. He was napping when I received the news, so I had to wait to tell him. I did worry, I won’t lie. We have had such a calm day, I didn’t want it ruined. When he awoke and came out here, I prayed quickly for God to speak the right words through me so that Al could understand. I explained all, and told him that we had another caregiver that would continue to give him his showers, but the new caregiver would do them right before supper instead of in the mornings. Wow, a double whammy for him. Changed caregiver, and changed times. He looked at me and said nothing for about two or three minutes. I sat here praying, please God let him understand. Don’t let the tears start. Finally, he spoke. He said, she will probably work 7am-3:30. I said what? He said this is probably the hours she will work. She needs more money. I looked at him dumbfounded. He got it! He understood! Thank you God! That was it! It was said and over. He knew that the new caregiver would be here tomorrow evening instead of tomorrow morning, and the conversation was dropped. The next thing out of his mouth was, what is for supper? I smiled a huge smile at Al, and told him we both were going to miss the old caregiver, and it made us sad, but maybe we would be able to see her at times. I went to the kitchen to prepare supper. People cross our paths in life for various reasons. Some stay, some fade quickly. God places them here for reasons of his own, teaching us something through each person. I was taught by you to lean on God through this new change. I was taught by my closer walk with God to pray before I speak. Life is good, and it just keeps getting better. We have our rough days, but with God walking beside us, we are able to continue to move forward. Thank you God and bloggers for helping me to know who to lean on when there is a change.