Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?
Even though I was a kid and didn’t understand life and how events could help mold your future, it happens. I think most of us are molded somewhat by what our environment was while we grew up.
For me, I always sensed somewhere within me that I didn’t fit in. Oh no one ever said it out loud. No one ever told me I wasn’t wanted or loved. It was just something I felt. Maybe images that remained in my head buried alive, but somehow they came out maybe during sleep or dreams.
As I got older I learned I had two mothers. One who tossed me a way and one who did her very best to love me and take care of me. For this I will be ever grateful as my step-mother was a wonderful woman.
She not only held this newly acquired family together she was a very smart lady. She held a respected position in her work force. She did many wonderful, moving things for the community.
I can‘t even say at this moment so many years later if it was her or I. I suspect it was more me than her. Hidden images, words and memories helped me to block a relationship from growing into a beautiful flower. Instead I blamed her for the break-up of my parents.
This of course was ridiculous. My real mother didn’t want my brother and I. She was a rotten player that didn’t want anyone else to have us either. She and our father played cat and mouse games for a couple of years until the divorce finally became legal. Our new step-mother met our tiny little family and took us in no questions asked. I was the one who held out over jealousies. I am so ashamed of this today.
There are many things that we learn through maturing in our lives. I am so grateful that I did turn myself around and make amends with our step-mom before she passed on. I can see things clearly today that were so foggy when I was growing up.
Divorce is a wonderful and wicked thing. It frees the two that married but if there is any damages left hanging it can latch on to the children and even the adults. Don’t get me wrong. I am not dogging divorce. There are instances when it is definitely needed. It is how we handle life after the papers are signed.
For me I have been married and divorced also. Stupid mistakes I have made, maybe not fighting hard enough for what belonged to me. The point is I messed up. I looked more at my own inner pain and was blinded to what I was doing to my own children. I love my children to death but I believe if I would have acted in a more mature way things would be different today.
As many years as I have been divorced I can still see fragments of those days gone by. I can not turn back the clock. I can apologize until I am blue in the face but some images still remain in their eyes.
So now that I see what has passed, I would go back and although it was very easy to see me above anyone else, I would work so much over-time at placing my kids first above my own needs. After all, I was still molding them into young adults.
I wanted to smack her! I am sorry but I have worked and worked with this child of mine and nothing has worked. I have three children. Holly is the middle one you see in the photo above.
I at first felt great guilt at yelling at her for smoking. I smoked also, so how could I tell her not to? She is a child, this is why. I am an adult. I know the sentence that could lie ahead for me with smoking, she does not.
She was always the one child who feared nothing in life. Holly dared anything she could get by with. Strong personality, aggressive in thoughts. The first child that learned to talk back at such an early age.
She excelled in school. Each teacher she encountered always made the same remarks about Holly. She was very smart and caught on to her school work quickly. Was she too smart? Was she gifted? Should I consider advancing her in grade levels. Does she need to be challenged more?
When it was her and I at home, she was defiant. It was like she had Edward Scissorhands; daggers for me. Anything I asked she fought. If I talked nice to her, she mocked me. I was beginning to think she was the child from hell.
How could she fool everyone else but me? Teachers adored her. Classmates played well with her. It was only me, a single parent left to raise three kids alone. I had to work, I had to put food on the table and pay the bills.
I felt too much guilt for not being there when ever she needed me. I was so sure that I had done something wrong in my rearing of her, that I bent over backwards to give her all that I could.
Her siblings would tend to cause problems for me as it seemed like I treasured Holly more than them. This was not the case though. I was trying to get through each of my days in peace.
I had Holly tested in many areas with different specialists. Nothing positive ever came out of it. She always tested normal. I asked family, friends and even other children’s parents if they had children like this.
There responses were a laughing no. If they had children like that, they would provide them with a tough love. What was tough love? I had never heard of this? I researched it on the internet.
tough love
NOUN:
The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations on freedoms or privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as a means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern.
Wow, I was doing it back words. I was carrying the guilt for not being there. I was letting her manipulate me. I needed to change and change right now. I decided the next day would start the new me.
I saw her after school smoking. She saw me coming near and the look she gave me was I dare you to do anything. I took her at her idol threat. I could not stand it any longer.
I pulled my car up along the curb and put it in park. I got out and went over to her and said, “Let’s go. Put the cigarette out and please get in the car”. She stood her ground and took a big hit off of her cancer stick. She replied with a catty voice, ” I will go when I am ready. I can walk home. I don’t need a ride”.
I took the cigarette out of her mouth and threw it on the ground. I stomped on it until the red glow was completely out. I took her by the hand and I pulled her to the car with her screaming at me. I didn’t give a shit who was watching me. This child was going home with me!
I got her in the car and buckled her up and went to my side and got in. I locked the doors and started the engine. Off we went for home. We were both silent, which was fine with me. I was thinking, what am I going to do with this child once I get her home. Talk to her? Scold her? Ground her?
When we walked into the front door of our home she began to rant. She was calling me names and stomping her feet. A very big tantrum for a child her age. I stood there quietly as she continued her performance and then I took her by the hand and sat her down at the kitchen table.
I said to her, ” I am your mother. I am tired of letting you control my emotions. You are destroying my days. I don’t know why you act this way with only me, but it is over. I will not tolerate any more actions from you. The smoking is over. If I catch you doing the smoking thing one more time, I will have to send you to boot camp for bad kids”.
She laughed and said, ” You wouldn’t dare. I will report you for child abuse. I will tell the police that you abuse me. I will run a way from home”. I looked at her with an emotionless face.
The two of us became very quiet, as we digested what the other had said. After a few minutes had gone by she asked, “Why do you hate me so mother? Why do you treat me worse than the other two? What did I do to make you hate me so much”?
I looked at her and my mouth opened to speak. Be careful what you say. I know you want to lash out at her. You want to tell her how miserable she has made you but don’t. You love her, you just don’t like the way she is acting.
I spoke saying, ” I love you very much Holly. You get treated the way you do because mom feels guilty. Guilty for not being here for you. Guilty for the divorce and you growing up with only one parent”.
“But the other two, you must feel guilty about them too right? I mean, they are living with one parent also, right”?
“Yes, this is true, but you are the one who brings about more challenges for me. You have tested me more than your siblings. I lose my patience with you Holly. You are always testing me”.
” I just want to know that you love me mommy”. Holly said crying.
Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Turn that line into the title of
your post.
The Carpenters, It’s Going to Take Some Time This Time
The Carpenters have always been my favorite group. The beat, the voices, the rhythms, every thing I have loved about them.
We go to school when we are very young, and we learn our ABC’s, and we continue through our school years, preparing ourselves for college and being proper adults. Did anyone teach you about how to accept changes once you achieved adulthood? For me, I know the answer is no, they did not. Being a business leader, or a doctor or nurse was the goal.
When I got married the first time and then became divorced, I listened to this song over and over. It’s going to take some time this time to learn how to live on my own.
How about when we had children. Were they more than cuties or beautiful? Were we prepared for raising infants to adults? I wasn’t, so once again I listened to this song as I carefully went into motherhood, trying to not make too many mistakes.
When my mom passed away, I didn’t think this song was going to help me, but it did, and when my daddy passed away, I wore this song out. The line of this song still holds true in my heart, because I am still trying to take some time to get used to not having my hero in my life.
Now, I have let my brother go. He is being cared for others while along with my help, we are all doing our best to make his life as pain-free and happy as possible. Parkinson’s Disease as my friend Jo, says, isn’t pretty. I don’t know how much time it is going to take this time, but I am trying to be patient, giving time to heal from the loss of him here with me, praying for time for him to find inner peace, and time for me to get prepared for this nasty disease to keep progressing, with God holding my hand.
Marriage, what an important word, one syllable, small word, but vast importance should be placed on this. People marry for many reasons. Sex, best friends, pregnancies, influences.
There are divorces happening faster than marriages, and this is a very sad situation. The wedding is taking place in this video. Much planning has been done to make it a perfect day. A day for all to see and share. Lots of music, drink, hugs, kisses, and congratulations.
Sometimes, thousands of dollars are spent on weddings, but how much is spent on counseling, and work shops, classes for learning budgeting, child rearing, views on how many children to have, religions, parents views. How many couples actually know the in-laws? If we spent more time and money working on the compatibility section I believe our marriages would have a better chance.
This is my opinion only, and not made for the sake of argument only, but I believe that marriage has to start first with God. Lots of talk about where we are going to place God in the marriage, will we go to God when we have arguments and small disagreements, starting the day with bible reading, or devotions.
I believe we also need to keep our priorities correct, and in getting to know each other, know what each others priorities are most important. Do you agree on these together. Will you stay and work it out together with God’s help and each other, or will you go to your own parents, friends, or anyone else that will listen, and use their advice?
The video shows the groom stumbling when he is to be saying, I DO, and he takes off running. This is humiliating for the bride, I am sure, and all the guests are watching and whispers are being heard. I commend this gentleman for leaving, because it is much more painful to marry for no love, than for love.
A divorce affects both husband and wife, and sometimes children are involved without asking to be. Feelings can be clung to for years in a child’s life of not being wanted, fought over, divided between families, which results in emotional scarring, doubts of confidence, and sometimes repeating the same broken process when they marry also.
If enough time is taken, and respect is earned between two people, values are discovered and shared, and God is placed first in the marriage, more marriages will succeed in this difficult world we live in.
Beth stood at the water’s edge, letting the water slip in between her toes. Sun shining on her back where her dress was backless. Winds gently blowing the edges of her dress, rising it slowly to show slender, tanned legs. Any man would turn his head twice if he was looking her way. Her hair formed a silhouette around her shoulders. She was definitely an angel to cast eyes upon.
Beth had come to the ocean for a break from her life. She had just received the house, car and all bills and maintenance that goes along with owning material things. She had also bartered and lost her children. Her attorney had cheated her out of her children, leaving her with shells for a prize, and leaving her only with her own bank account she had.
Beth had spent this past week, calling utility companies and having vacation placed on them for the summer months. She had cleaned the kids rooms, and packed up what she could of their clothing and personal belongings. Her ex-husband had ordered a small u-haul to come over the day before she was to leave for her vacation, and had all the children’s bedroom furniture, bikes, and other toys loaded up. She had spent her last evening with her kids, telling them how much mommy loved them, and she had dug pictures out of her and them and had given these to her babies. She hugged and kissed on them, until her daughter said mommy, I love you and we will miss you. Hurry back to us. With a tear sliding down her cheek, she quickly turned away so they would not see her emotions, and went and rechecked their over night back packs. In less than an hour it was over. The house became silent, no more hugs or kisses. The children were on their way to their new homes with dad.
Beth had made a bad decision in her life and had been caught. While her husband traveled for business, and their children were at school, she was having an affair. It was an accident she said to her husband. He was gone too much, and the other man was there to fill the empty hours. She had met him in her office. A smart sassy looking guy, with a flair. A look of confidence and yet a wildness was in him, when you looked deep in his eyes.
He asked her one afternoon, when they had both finished their jobs early for a holiday, if she would allow him to buy her a drink. She knew she should have said no, but she nodded her head in affirmation. They ended up in each others arms that same day, and the passion they brought out in each other, caused them to meet in secrecy every chance they met.
One day, the game was over, as an anonymous caller phoned her husband and said that as a man to man consideration, he wanted to let him know that his wife was cheating. Her husband hired a P.I. and in no time at all, he called him and they met so photos could be exchanged, verifying the affair.
Beth had no idea, when one day she answered the door bell, that is was a special delivery for her, papers for filing for divorce and custody of their two children.
Now, as Beth stood on the water’s edge, she walked gracefully along the edges of the beach. Catching the eye of a stranger, he walked up and introduced himself, and ask if he could walk with her, and she nodded her head in affirmation.
I am minding my own business this morning. Al not being bad other than the normal depression, he is reading his Bible. I have answered some emails from WordPress and decided to get off my flat butt and clean both bathrooms. If I have the bathrooms cleaned, I can overlook the house for at least one day!
I have sprayed the cleaner sprays, squeezed the bottle in toilets, put my save my skin on my hands gloves, and have rag in hand. Aim! Ready! Phone rings.
I put the rag down and with gloves still in tact, I answer my phone. I am shocked by the voice. No it wasn’t aunts or sisters begging to know more about Al and how he is feeling, it is my ex, my second ex. Yes, I have been married twice. Foolish? Yes and no. The first was meant to be, the true love of my life, and the second was foolish. Never marry out of pity for another person.
I asked him what he wanted, as I hear from him very little. He says he is ready to come home. Alright……..what does this have to do with me………You want to come back to your hometown, you don’t need my permission. I think you are a big boy now.
I asked him why he wanted to come home, and he says he made some stupid mistakes. Like we all haven’t at one time or another, and bud, you were one of them. He continues with he has to get out-of-town now! Why, did you murder someone? Cops after you? Must be awful if you have to leave town now…
He says he messed up, and by this, and from his past records, he messed up with another relationship, but just guessing here. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t care to know.
He ask if I can help him by paying for his U-Haul, and he promises to pay me back. Now I do remember that I helped him with something in the past, and he did pay me back, but this is different in my eyes.
Home? here where I live? My ex? No, I am not going to help with this problem you have. You say you messed up, not my problem anymore, I divorced you because you always messed up. I don’t have to pay any more prices for your mistakes.
I told him no, and he started with more excuses about his health and so on. I don’t mean to sound cold, mean and cruel, my friends, but I let this guy ruin me in so many ways when we were married. I let him convince me that I was worthless and couldn’t afford to be on my own, there for taking abuse from all corners.
