Well, I did it. I got through the million questions. She asked, I cried and answered. So much brought back again. I listened to you, my friends. You cheered me on. You told me I could do it. Al even told me he would be here with me emotionally. I clung to those words as she asked things like, ” How did he die? Did he have MSA? How many years did you care for him? Why did you place him in a nursing home?” It went on and on.
Hospice promised they would stay in touch with me after Al’s funeral. The last time I saw or heard from them, was his funeral. I am so thankful that my daughter took me home with her and her family.
I am so thankful for my daughter-in-laws, Heather and Kristin for taking out of their family time and spending time with me. I am so thankful for Peggy and Sue, who have made me get out of this house.
Oh Lord, I am so thankful for all of my blogging friends, my Facebook friends. You don’t know how much I have counted on all of you. I thank Shona for picking me up off the floor emotionally and telling me I can do this.
When I am here in the house alone my heart spills out on to the floors. When the silence comes at night and the lights go out, the sense of Al not being here is extreme.
With all of your help I am able to get through each day. I am having more minutes that are calm, which must mean I am slowly healing.
Please, if you have a family member or friend, or someone you think about and tell yourself you need to give them a call, don’t hesitate. You never know when you may not have that chance.
For me, I knew Al wasn’t going to be here forever. I got that chance to say everything to him I ever wanted to. We were able to do so many things together when the illness was in its lighter stages.
So many of us don’t get these warnings. Instead we get a phone call in the middle of the night. Or we hear about it elsewhere. Take a moment my friends, and thank God and your lucky stars that you have people in your life. I know I do it each and every day.
When I was a teen I did the teen things. I wasn’t a terrible brat but still, I was a teen. I remember drinking my first taste of wine standing in an alley with my best friend while trick-or treating. Yes, I still did the get the treat things in my teens. I really didn’t go to the door, instead I was a teen stepping out of my guide lines set by my parents.
When I was old enough to drive I would put on a Halloween mask and drive up and down the streets in our city. I thought it was so much fun getting the looks from older drivers.
I once went to Fort Wayne with some friends. I wasn’t ever to go out-of-town and I was also to tell my parents where I was going. When we do something we know is wrong it always comes back to bite us in the ass, and it did.
I was at the busy intersection at a stop light and it was dark. The laughter from inside the car immediately stopped when all of a sudden steam came barging out from under the hood of the car. I had broken a hose.
I immediately froze and became serious as I was trying to figure out a kind way to call my parents and tell them what happened and where I was. Luck was on my side as one of the guys knew enough about cars to temporarily fix it until I got back home.
So I did the teen thing but never anything bad. So you can imagine how angry I was at the local news on TV tonight when a family who loved to over-decorate outdoors for Christmas. When they woke up this morning they were so sad when they discovered that teens had ripped apart so many of those expensive decorations.
They enjoyed having people drive by and being entertained by their hundreds of lights only to have them blown out by teen pranks. I don’t get it. What was the ending goal that was on the positive side?
Why weren’t those teens home going to bed so they could get up and go to work? I was an ornery teen but I also knew if I did something this horrendous, my parents would punish me so badly it would be weeks before I was let out of the house.
I won’t try to place blame here on anyone. I will just say that the word respect for other people has been tossed out the window in the past few years. What a sad situation this was.
Here is a similar video of what that house looked like that got torn apart.
I was streaming through my Facebook page and my favorite sites. It is amazing how we are all made in the same form but yet we are different. We look at each other and recognize our own species. Except for changes in hair, eye, weight and height, the only thing that truly separates us is our language.
Many times in my own home town I stand in the check out line and listen to those around me speak who do not speak the English language. They look like me for the most part but I can’t understand them.
There are thousands of blogs out here in cyber space. I see topics about food, love, pain, abuse, children, adults. There are some on affairs, death, illness, laughter, tears. There are even educational blogs, and topics on how to build your own web sites. You can find blogs that sell online.
I see blogs full of photography, beautiful women, handsome men. Blogs from awesome waterfalls, vacation spots. It is just amazing. My personal favorites are inspirational blogs.
http://kattermonran.com Al has a day each week where he fills his page with great inspirations. When I am down, I run to his page to get uplifted reading.
http://utesmile.wordpress.com Ute is another friend I have on blog world. Her pages are always filled with wonderful sayings and inspiration.
Although we don’t meet in person there are some on my blogs that I would truly wish to meet. Ute is one. http://girlwiththepen1118.wordpress.com/ Debbie is another friend I feel very close to. We share so much in common.
There are several blogs I follow that I can find a way to boost my faith when I feel weak.
http://myownheart.me/ Len is one lady who is very strong in her faith. She has a way with words which help comfort me. You know words are so powerful. Hugs are nice, a warm handshake helps, but those kind words stick to our hearts and never let go.
There are also blogs that are about emotional strength that I love to read. Maybe because of Al I am drawn to these. I doubt if this lady realizes how much I depend on her blog, but I always watch for it to appear in my email box so I can read it. http://thedrsays.wordpress.com If you would care to pay her a visit, please do. She loves people.
Every morning when I hop on-line I visit Rob at http://settledinheaven.wordpress.com I get my morning java through reading his post. It is just like going to church but I get to stay in my jammies. Thank-you Rob for always teaching me about the Lord.
Marilyn,http://babyjill7.wordpress.com/ is a good woman. She and her husband actually came up last summer for a visit. Al and I both received the opportunity to meet her and her husband. Marilyn’s blog is upbeat, happy. I can learn about her awesome finds at goodwill stores. She lets me in on her secrets to staying happy. She loves helping others as she did lately, where she baked many cookies and gave them as gifts.
Then there is granny at http://digitalgranny.wordpress.com/ I love to chat with this blogger. I am always ensured I will feel better when I have my visits at this site.
I have a wonderful friend named Julie. http://jmgoyder.com/ She and I became instant friends when the time was that we thought Al had Parkinson’s. Julie’s husband has this illness too. I love to visit her site. I can see the beautiful birds she has living on her land. I can send well wishes to Ants and Ming and Julie and I have an understanding of what being a care giver is.
Bob has a large blog full of photographs he has taken. You can visit Bob over at http://pacificnorthwesttravelerdotcom.wordpress.com/ He takes many photos at his local zoo. I just love visiting his blog.
http://thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com/ The last thing I do before going to bed is visit this blog. It makes me laugh with the numerous topics on jokes. Love this blog.
If I want to dream and be able to visit a different country, then I go visit Viveka at mygulitypleasures.wordpress.com She is awesome. A retired chef she lets me view recipes and photos of wonderful foods she makes. She takes a lot of photos and I get to see what her country is like. I just love this lady. We have been friends for a long time.
Well, there are so many more to mention, but it is time to go change Al and reposition him, so I have to stop for now. I hope you enjoyed your journey with me through blogs I enjoy.
In the end we are all the same. We may look a little different but we all speak of love. The love of our home town, love of photography, good jokes, food and life, and of course, writing.
http://wingedprisms.com Cate nominated me for the Blog of The Year 2013. This means I get another star added to my award. I am so excited. Thank-you Cate!!!
The instructions for this award are simple:
1-Select the blog(s) you think deserve the Blog Of The Year 2013 Award.
2-Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required- and ‘present’ the blog(s) with their award.
3-Let the blog(s) that you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the instructions with them- (please don’t alter the instructions or the badges!)
Share your blog posts with an even wider audience.
6-And as a winner of the award- please add a link back to the blog that presented you with this award-and then proudly display the award on your blog- and start collecting stars!
I would like to nominate:
I wake up this morning and it is quiet. Rhino the cat slept on the couch so Al and I had our beds to ourselves. I do the usual, splash my face with cold water, brush my teeth and smell the coffee brewing.
Grabbing myself the first cup I hear nothing from Al’s room. I flip on the computer and open the world.
I feel like I am so blessed and pretty fortunate. When Al is home, so am I. There is no communication with anyone unless I get a text, phone call or visitor. Once I open up my email, FB and WP, all my friends have already said hello or made some nice comment to me. I am suddenly in my house robe, drinking my coffee, in the silence of my home and yet surrounded by wonderful friends.
I want to say thank-you for being here with me and for me. I want to let you know that you are the second reason I smile; the first is that I am given another chance to open my eyes again.
Some people who are here when I turn my computer on are;
The Laughing Houswife
Playing the hand that was dealt
I may have missed someone, don’t be hurt if I did. After all it is morning and I have only had one cup of coffee so far.
Like I said friends, these are the friends who I have been privileged enough to speak to already today. I am not bragging, I am proud.
I can’t believe my ears. A group on Facebook that bashes parents kids. Can you believe it? People get on there and make fun of disabled kids, pre-mature babies, fat kids, or ugly kids.
In the first place babies are beautiful, not ugly. Disabled children are helpless and can’t fend for themselves.
What is wrong with Facebook? Why would they allow such terrible pages to be allowed? Are there no guidelines? Are adults so ignorant, yes I am using the word ignorant when a person thinks it is alright to say such terrible things, and from what the report says, respondents were answering with laughter, thinking this is funny.
This is a hard, cold and sometimes cruel world we live in today. It is hard to make friends, it is hard for young people to fit in. At that age kids need to know they are loved. What kind of adults will these children turn out to be?
All I can say is I am thankful I don’t know anyone personally who acts in this rude and crude way. They definitely would not be a friend or even casual acquaintance of mine.
Facebook, shame on you. I don’t have the link, I wanted nothing to do with it and wasn’t going to waste my time finding it.
Describe the last time you were surprised by the intensity of a feeling you had about something, or were surprised at how strongly you reacted to something you thought wouldn’t be a big deal.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us INTENSE.
I didn’t used to be weird about foods. I ate what I fixed and I ate what was served. But things change, people are hurried in the manufacturing areas, and some people just are sickos.
With Mad Cow Disease it started with me. I began checking labels better. I don’t buy just any meat because of price. Then there were other things, sick pigs, bad poultry, canned foods that caused stomach aches and vomiting. Some strange chemicals in our containers and additives that cause cancer.
Calgon! Take me a way from this crap! Now I am a food fetish. I mainly have to prepare what I eat. If I eat out, I try to go to better places. My grocery shopping turned from hurry and get the hell out of the packed store, to I think I will take my time today and notice what I am putting into my gut.
Tonight on Facebook I was just sifting through the junk that filters through. You know, silly pictures, funny photos and then I saw it. Oh my gosh, I thought instantly to the hundreds of cookies that I have eaten in my life. Dunked in milk, eaten without tearing them apart and eating the filling first.
When I saw this I almost vomited at what I may have consumed. Now I suppose I will have to bake my own cookies.
Please, beware, tear that Oreo apart. Oh gross. I can clean poop, see blood, but when it comes to bugs, insects, chemicals, bad crap going in my gut, I think I will faint.
Quick, get me the smelling salts.
I had a little trouble getting my prescription although I get this infection every fall and spring as long as I live in Indiana. The doctor didn’t want to fork over the script because I wasn’t bad enough yet.
I explained about Al and how I could not afford to be down one day and didn’t want to wait until it got bad. Finally he gave in. I had to go to the Pharmacy and pay my monthly bill and fill the new script. I then had to stop at the camera shop as I needed a piece I didn’t have. I then definitely had to go to the grocery store as I can’t get out on weekends when Al is home.
So by the time I got home and put all the groceries a way I had a half an hour before Al was to arrive. This day went fast but yet I had that time frame for thirty minutes to do as I wished.
I was so shocked and very pleased that two ladies from M.S.A. web site, who I am honored to call my friends. Connie and Bonnie had both left me messages on Facebook and Connie even called me. They were worried about me as I hadn’t posted all day.
I didn’t mean to worry them but to be very honest except for my daughter and my best friend no one questions my where-a-bouts or calls to see if I am alright; so I was pleased as punch.
After I spoke to Connie I played around with my camera. I took a photo of our tree and then doctored it on a photo program. So here it is, my play-time project.
When Al got off the bus he didn’t want supper. I am starting to get used to those words. He wanted to nap. I imagine he was tired. He didn’t seem like he had a good time at his party but I am thinking he was just too tired to talk about it.
I changed him and put him in bed. When he gets up I will offer him supper in bed, served like a King. I will not work so hard to transfer him from bed to recliner and back any longer. I hurt my neck and back muscles because he is just too weak to help.
I think he will be alright with it. He was in bed all day yesterday after breakfast. I got him up and fed him and washed him up and then put him back in his bed. I just made sure I turned him every two hours and sat him up off and on. He got waited on hand and foot. You know, I could handle that myself for a day, being waited on hand and foot.
I have not done so well today, or as good as I thought I would. Al has been gone 24 hours and I struggled with the silence here. You must all think I am just plain crazy and I don’t blame you.
Here I sit at the computer and I feel the biggest empty spot. I should be jumping up and down? Running through the house? Out with friends having fun? Maybe shopping?
But no here I sit. Unable to place once foot in front of the other and make any moves. I feel anger inward at what a rotten friend I have been to myself. There must be another explanation for this.
I didn’t even touch the house today. I had two eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast. I had no lunch and I had a bowl of Cheerios for supper. I was trying to find my sugar substitute in the cupboard and knocked something out and it landed in the cat’s water. That dominoed into flipping the water into his food bowl. That food was ruined where I had just filled it up.
As I was carrying my bowl of cereal here to the computer, I don’t know what I did but I flipped my spoon out of the bowl and it splattered on the floor. I then took a shower and got out and dried off. I then realized I had forgotten to rinse the conditioner out and had to get back in.
My granddaughter’s birthday is today. I was watching a video of her party on Facebook and then just started crying. I had missed her birthday. I had sent no card and said nothing. I quickly apologized to my son for my forgetfulness and told Hanna Happy Birthday.
There is a part of me that can slightly remember the person I used to be. There once used to be this gal named Terry that loved to laugh. I could laugh until my eyes watered, my sides hurt, and sometimes pee my pants. I was always ready to go have fun, be with family and friends. I tried to never be home on weekend evenings.
Oh not that I was a party girl. I never have been. No drinking for me, no big gatherings at the bar. Usually with just family.
I know, I am really dogging myself tonight, but I am a little angry at who I am lately. Too sad, too deep, too full of sorrow. I really do want to laugh, but I cry. I want to get out, but I stay in. What in the world is my problem?
People say I am not that old yet. They tell me there is hope for love still. They tell me there is still life to live. But tonight, because I miss my brother so bad, when I really need the break, I am a weepy mess.
Please don’t be upset with me and scream at me for not appreciating my break. I am already screaming at my own self and that is punishment enough for one evening.