When Down Low, Angels Flow


chloeI haven’t felt the best  today, from the stupid mistake I made yesterday moving my bed. I have done very little today; but I am feeling a bit better tonight with pain medications, so time to get up and start moving around.

Speaking of moving, it seems when I am at one of my low points in life, God sends angels to my rescue to up-lift me. Today, I received two of those angels. One of them was a video of my youngest granddaughter. This is  her, all eyes and beautiful with her loving brother, looking down at her. I tell you, this made me smile big and brightened up my day.

The other angel was my phone ringing. When I looked at it, it was my daughter who lives such a busy life; but yet took time to give me a call just to chat. She didn’t want anything special, and this is what made the call so nice.

Thank-you angels.

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Please Let my Pain Rest


For two nights in a row I have slept like crap. Dreams, yes dreams are what kept me waking up. The first night I had dreams that my kids were chasing me. My arms were being pulled apart as different kids had words being hurled at me and I didn’t know which way to go.

I got through that by only waking up one time. It was a fairy-tale ending so to speak. I remember everyone in my dream was smiling in the end. Those are the best dreams aren’t they?

Last night’s dream woke me up at least three times. When I went back to sleep I picked up where the dream had left off. It was a strange dream and yet familiar. I kept hearing bells. I had another dream last month where it had to do with Al and bells.

Last night bells kept going off. Tinker type bells, not big, piercing bells. I would wake up to see Al standing at the foot of my bed and he would say nothing but smile at me. When my eyes were fully awake I would see nothing.

I dreamed of many times Al and I had gone to flea markets in Florida and I could hear the conversations that we had once shared. I had visions of trips we took to this flea market in Kentucky. It was as if I was re-living the real scene all over. I remember Al rushing down the aisles to see if there was any coke items and if there wasn’t he would sit down and wait. This was always irritating to me and I remember trying to teach him that we were at the flea market not just for him, but for me also.

I saw dad’s drooling from his mouth and his lip quivering and I am pretty sure that my own thoughts of having Parkinson’s Disease now is what caused that part of my dream. The bells though; this is what kept waking me up. I don’t know how many times i heard them but each time Al would appear at the end of the bed.

I never got out of bed until late this morning, and then I was woken by a phone call from distant relatives. Have you had that happen to you also? Someone who has hurt you and hasn’t spoken to you for years now is calling?

It brings back all the pain and hurt. The conversations do not feel real. Suspicion on what is really wanted enters the back door. There was a lot of, way too much of drama that happened when my dad was ill.

I took care of my dad myself pretty much, as far as doctor appointments, and physical care was concerned.  My dad was my hero and he and I had talked very intent conversations towards the end.

I hurt for my dad when people he thought would come see him did not and ugly words were tossed around from those who didn’t help care for him. They were just ugly times. I somehow made it through it and was able to suppress the ugly and remember the gold of my dad.

Then there was my brother. People wanting things they thought he had. Few calls were made from the family that Al most wanted to hear from. If it were not for my caregivers and my best friend, Al and I would have suffered through Al’s illness alone.

Deep pain still exists from those years and I hate to sound selfish; but I don’t want to be reminded of it today. I am trying to heal. I sometimes think that my daughter makes a very valid point today. When our dad died, Al had his heart attack exactly one week after we buried dad. I never had a chance to mourn my idol, before I was thrust into the caregiver part of taking care of Al the next seven years. Now the mourning process is terrible. I didn’t expect it to go on this long. My daughter says I am most likely mourning not just losing Al, but dad also; causing this huge void in my life.

So when the phone call came in this morning it brought everything rushing back again. The sour words, the lack of concern, the threats. I am sure I played parts in causing pain, but I believe that most decisions I made were to protect my brother.

He had on the surface a wonderful life, but if you talked to Al, you were able to learn and see that many of his emotional problems stemmed from his estranged life with his dad. Pain runs deep and if it can’t be healed or is continued to draw on for years, the damages are not easily healed.

When I learned of Al’s true feelings I protected him at all cost, even if it meant hurting others or them not understanding. I did what I did. I have this huge hang up today with living in or with the past.

The whys and what ifs eat me up. Did I ever mention that  am perfect? No, because I know I am not. I am human and sometimes I have made decisions based on being hurt or as I said to protect Al.

All in all though, I got to know another side of Al that no one else did. I feel lucky. I feel happy that I was able to provide him with as much as I could. I was able to see more smiles from him than I saw in his entire youth.

If no one else understands why or how I feel this way my only answer is they should have quit standing on the outside judging and remembered they were once close and got themselves involved in Al and my life.

For those who are lucky enough to  have a close knit family still today, good for you. For those who have been hurt by family members and the resolving of issues still carries with you, you understand my feelings today.

Today is going to be one of those times where once again I am reminded of all the past. I am going to spend a tiny amount of time facing these who hurt me. Phone conversations are no different. Familiar voices now faded in my mind, come rushing back at the sound of the phone ringing.

I am going to miss my family here very much. No matter what reasons anyone thinks I am moving away, I have no doubt they really understand. I need to get away. No, I have to get away.  Tongue lashings, sad memories, death and trying to heal need to be placed on a shelf marked, task completed. I can’t go on with the rest of my days being reminded. I feel like I deserve a fresh start, even if it is at the age of 60. Discovering I now have Parkinson’s Disease makes me a little scared. I never want to be a burden to anyone but I may need help. This is a major decision I am getting out of my hone and away from these terrible winters.

I realize that some or all of this conversation between you and me may be confusing; but writing for me; it makes me sit just a little bit taller as I continue to try to re-build who I once was. Thank-you for caring for me these past two years you have come to know me my dear friends. Thank-you for seeing the good in me and not judging me.

Sometimes family is not only that of blood, it is those who walked beside me when the air was thick.

 

ME

Pick Me Up


http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/pick-me-up/#like-77422, DP

What is the one word or phrase that immediately cheers you up when you hear it?

Hello”hello  I love that word.

To pick up my phone and hear this one simple word is great. To pick up the phone and hear the voice of my child is fantastic.

 

As a mom of young or grown…

View On WordPress

Pick Me Up


http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/pick-me-up/#like-77422, DP

What is the one word or phrase that immediately cheers you up when you hear it?

Hello”hello  I love that word.

To pick up my phone and hear this one simple word is great. To pick up the phone and hear the voice of my child is fantastic.

 

As a mom of young or grown children there is nothing better, more special than to know your children are thinking of you and give you a call to just say hello. It brings me a smile every time. It turns my sad frown upside down.

 

The Day Has Ended


The Day Has Ended


Well the day has ended

The hours passed

The minutes long

The shadows were cast

Took the dog for walks

Made potato salad

Watched silly TV

This day was valid

Tonight it was quiet

The darkness screamed

I called my son

Let’s have a fire and dream

He said alright

He came right down

Brought the two kids

And AJ ran around

The air was quiet

The moon was small

The wood smelled great

The sparks…

View On WordPress

The Day Has Ended


Well the day has ended

The hours passed

The minutes long

The shadows were cast

 

Took the dog for walks

Made potato salad

Watched silly TV

This day was valid

 

Tonight it was quiet

The darkness screamed

I called my son

Let’s have a fire and dream

 

He said alright

He came right down

Brought the two kids

And AJ ran around

 

The air was quiet

The moon was small

The wood smelled great

The sparks were tall

 

It broke the evening

Took away some pain

So thankful for family

So thankful for no rain.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

05.03.2014

 

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Blogging Friends, Facebook Friends, Family


Blogging Friends, Facebook Friends, Family


I have had so many well wishers for my birthday today. For this I will always be grateful. My brother used to celebrate my special day with me. He would purchase my birthday dinner and then remind me how much he spent on it when it came time for me to buy his birthday dinner.

Yet there is a part of me that is suffering emotionally. Instead of each day getting better it isn’t. Instead of the many…

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Blogging Friends, Facebook Friends, Family


I have had so many well wishers for my birthday today. For this I will always be grateful. My brother used to celebrate my special day with me. He would purchase my birthday dinner and then remind me how much he spent on it when it came time for me to buy his birthday dinner.

Yet there is a part of me that is suffering emotionally. Instead of each day getting better it isn’t. Instead of the many conversations between bloggers and Facebook, I continue to cry. coca cola flag

Ever since Saturday arrived and I somehow came to the shocking conclusion that Al really isn’t coming back, I have been a piece of a limp,wet rag. Crying for many reasons, but crying for my own loss of what once was here in my home.

You have all been so kind. I feel guilt as I realize I have not snapped out of this mood and continued to move forward yet. I do have a few good days, and I am very grateful for this, but these past few days have just been horrible.

Please be patient with me. I am trying very hard to comment on blogs. I am trying to smile. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to show you I have not forgotten you. I am trying to get through. I will get better. This will get easier, I promise, if you can just stay with me.

I Remember

 

I know what once was

I remember it all so clear

When I took care of you

My little brother dear

And now these nice people

And you from up above

Are looking out for me

And sending all this love.

Love you brother,

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

Your sis

4.21.2014

 

I know in my heart I will never walk alone. Thank-you, each of you, for being here for me as I stumble this rocky path called life.