Daily Prompt; Fright Night


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What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us FRIGHTENING.

With using my mind and not my subconcience I am admitting I am afraid of a few things in life.

1. Darkness, I hate being in the dark. Walking outside in the dark. The unknown of the dark. Who is lurking around out doors at night? My imagination can run wild. I prefer to stay inside once I can’t see light anymore. I prefer to not have to get out of bed once I turn the lights out.grey trees

2. Heights, I hate heights. Anytime I stand on a chair or a ladder, my legs turn to jello. My feet become cemented to the surface. My whole body becomes a dance of wiggles and shakes. I guess the fear is of falling. What else could it be?ladder

3 and lastly, spiders. Anything that crawls that has two or more legs, is shorter than me and quicker than me sends shivers down my spine. Forces me to race for the broom, mop, fly swatter, anything I can defend myself with.

I figure I am afraid of it getting me. Will it bite me and hurt me? Will its sting be fatal? What a baby I am. Something so tiny compared to my height and yet I go running for the hills.

cookie, spiderChatteringTeethspiders_4aFrogsgreen bug 3ratscared_facescared womanspider

Picture it & Write


http://ermiliablog.wordpress.com/2013/09/22/__picture-it-write-65/#respondbodies runningpictureitandwrite2copy-1

Two people never introduced to society. Running free, no fear of being naked. Life is simple. Eat from the ground. Make light from wood. Shelter being given by leaves and bamboo.

An innocence I wish I carried with me. But I live in civilized territory. Fear has been embedded within me. Trust was wiped off the chalkboard years ago. Erased with words of hate and prejudice, poverty and hunger.

Ashamed that my body is not perfect, hiding in cloth. Beauty from within  now determined by what others say and promote. Lock your doors, secure your car, alarms everywhere.

Fear of enjoying a midnight stroll, danger looking in corners. Jealousy the beast smolders in us, what we have is now not good enough. Eating out of boxes, microwaves for busy schedules.

Families put aside, God kicked out of homes and schools. Money out of balance. Scales showing needs verses wants, which weighs more? Education comes from books. Culture learned through a ticket.

A hand shake replaced by security. Smiling faces turned upside down. Racing here, racing there. Health has been shifted. Diabetes, high blood pressure, more heart attacks and death come too early.

Yes, my brain has been tampered with. I fear more than I know. I am no longer innocent. I lost that before I loved it. It is a miracle in itself that we as a country function as well as we do.

Our belief in what ever it may be that keeps us moving forward each day, this is what we cling to. Hope for a better day, dreams of tomorrows and memories from yesterdays. This helps us stay mentally alive.

For one day there will be a new world. A re-birth and I will once again be brand new. Innocence and living on faith will all be mine. What would it be like to go back and try to pretend that we don’t know all that we have learned? Could we do it? Could we run through the forest? Run naked with no fear? Live from the earth? Could we laugh more than we cry? Would illness surround us? Would worry be replaced with calm?

Only each of us know what we are capable of doing today. We have learned but not all we learn is good.

 

If I Ruled The World


If I ruled the world                                                                      earth

I would wipe

Away all illness

Every day would

Be new and kind

No sharp tongues

Families holding

Thoughts and hands

No starving

No sleeping

In boxes

Children would

Be free to roam

Unafraid of no one

If I ruled the world

God would

Be smiling

As he would

Be pleased.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

09/18/2013

Fear On The Edge Of Your Seat


Come here my friends. Come closer, sit on the edge of your seats. Be prepared to quiver and shake. Get ready for the ride of your life. This is a true story of what happened here at my home ballooned with effects to give you a better scare. Are you ready? Have you gone to the bathroom already?

Click on the link to get the sound. It will play in the background while you read.

It was a very dark night. No wind was blowing. All was calm. The whole evening had been this way. Something even had changed with Al. The house just had an eerie feeling about it; but nothing I could put my finger on.

The later the evening went the more Al became quiet. He had slept from after supper and at his usual time he didn’t want to get up. I let him sleep some more. The next time I tried to wake him up, he did but he was not himself. He was more like a shell or a skeleton. I said his name a few times with no response. I finally ended up yelling, ” Al, Al, answer me. Can you hear me Al? Who am I?”

skeleton_1He finally looked at me with eyes that sent shivers down my spine. I got a cold chill that ran completely through me as I was looking into empty eyes.

I somehow managed to be able to hold him up long enough to change his brief but then almost dropped him from fear that over took my soul.

I let out a scream, which didn’t even phase Al at all.scared_face My face  felt cold as the fear dripped from my head.blood dripping

I was staring at his bed sheets and what I saw I had never seen before, never in all my years of being a caregiver.

The bed pad had a large circle or odd shape of black. I quickly changed Al and  put him  in his recliner. When I got him positioned I quietly asked, ” are you hurting anywhere? Do you have pain? Is everything alright?”

He never answered me. He dropped his head and just seemed lifeless.LifelessAndrew

At this time my heart was racing and yet I knew I had to remain calm. My son and my nephew came about then. They were talking about all of their major issues from the day.

In my mind I was scared. I could feel my body shivering from what I had seen.scared woman I talked to them a few minutes and then my son conversed with my daughter via cell phone.

While they were talking I sneaked a way back to my bedroom and called Hospice. I explained every detail I could remember and she told me that Al is beginning to go through the stage of Renal Failure.

Oh my God is all that was racing through my mind. I felt like rats were eating at my brain, leaving me nothing but pieces of broken threads. Nothing was connecting. All I could gather in sentences were this is bad.rat

I hung up and went and threw all the evidence in the trash can. I smiled at Al and asked him if he was ready for his bedtime snack. I heard nothing but he did look in my direction. I went to the kitchen and got him a glass of juice, a pop tart and his medications.

Going back I gave him his medicine first and then sat the goodie in his lap. He sat there, motionless. I prompted him a couple of times and then he reached for the food.

I told him I would be back. The guys had gone outside to build a fire in the pit. We all gathered round. It was a nice roaring fire and although it is still summer there was a slight chill in the air at midnight.bonfire

We were all discussing the day. I was glancing towards the house admiring the white lights that run throughout the wheelchair ramp.

I remembered Al and came back in. He had not moved. Once again I prompted him he needed to eat a little because he had his medications. He moved his arm as if to raise it to his mouth so I left again.

Once back outside I started telling the guys how I felt an eerie feeling. I felt like something was not right. I had an instinct that Al was not really here with me. We started discussing a little bit about his life and what he had done in it.

My nephew made the comment that Al had always been a fighter. He said Al will not give up until he can fight no longer. I looked back at the ramp again. Those white lights always bring me comfort.

The fire was crackling and all three of us became quiet for a short time. Then we heard something in the trees. A squirrel?squirrel Was the owl back? A couple of weeks a go there was a big, white owl that was sitting in the tree directly above me. owlMaybe Rhino had tried to come outside.IMG_0561

No, it was none of these things. In fact, what caught our attention was the click of the screen door. Now you have to realize it is dark except from the glow of the fire and the lights surrounding the ramp.

We all turn to look at the door when we heard the click of the handle. We watch as the door is thrown open. Not gently, but like a force of someone being in a hurry.

It was opened as far as it could go, then in two seconds it was slammed shut.Door

We all saw it. There was no denying it. We jumped up out of our seats and huddled.

I knew that Al was inside and I needed to check on him. Swallowing hard and forcing my feet to walk, I had to enter that door that had just opened and slammed by itself.

I went in and checked on Al. He had never eaten the pop tart nor touched his drink. Once again I  somehow with added strength, was able to get him out of his recliner and into bed. I changed his brief, rolled him over and tucked him in. He was nothing more than a zombie at this  point.zombie

I made myself walk through the house. Opening closet doors, looking behind shower curtains.shower curtain Nothing, no one was anywhere. I went back in and again checked on out-of-it Al and he was sitting up in bed, wide awake. His eyes were wide and he looked at me but said nothing. I asked, ” are you alright? Did you see Mom?”  He looked at me and then laid back down. I went back outside.

We tried to reason what we had witnessed but there was no explanation. The door had been flung open and slammed shut. We all saw it. The fire was almost out so the guys headed home and I had to come in the house by myself.

Someone or something had definitely been in our house. Last week the door action had happened twice. Once when I was here alone and then when I had company it did it again. The TV had been turned very loud by someone other than me and with no remote.

Was it a spirit? Was it Mom here for Al? I don’t know. Maybe I will never know. Whom ever or what ever it was definitely linked to Al.angel-looking-down-from-heaven-534

haunted house

Which Choice Do I Make?


Although Al had a good day, you can see by different signs that he is sick. For example when I took his shoes and socks off for his nap, his feet are once again swollen. The other thing is he is still napping. He usually sleeps for a couple of hours. Sort of a catching up thing from his days.

Here it is 8:30 and I went into check on him. I actually jumped back and my heart began to beat very quickly.beating heart

There is one thing, no two things that you never see Al do anymore. Number one is; his head will not go back. You could force it all you wanted, (which I don’t), just saying you could and it would not move.

Al’s head was laying flat on the bed. His pillow had slipped out from him or he moved it.

Number 2; his entire body is calm. Absolutely not one tremor. In the shadows of the night all I could see was gray shadows around his face, bouncing back at him by the black shirt he is wearing.

Instantly my breath caught. I saw my brother as he will be when his time is up. I didn’t mean to see it, it was just there all out in the open. I immediately started to cry.

Then my mind snapped back into reality. I checked his breathing. Yes, he is breathing. He was so calm and relaxed I didn’t want to wake him. On the other hand I want to go to sleep tonight. I don’t know which choice to make, let him sleep or wake him up.

Spider Man Where Are You?


fearDoes fear cause more damage than being alert to the immediate situation? I am thinking that it does to some point. Like a young tree being planted and its delicate roots taking hold and branching out; fear can also branch out in our mind and play havoc at later times.

Last night the fear that I have carried since Al came home would be that he would have one of those internal attacks with me. The second day home he did.

Although I realize that the M.S.A. is responsible for anything that is happening out of the normal for him, it still places the fear in me. It doesn’t help really that I know this could be the last chapters of Al’s life. It doesn’t even really matter that I have not seen this happen not once but now three times, I became afraid for him.

We had a fairly good day yesterday. He was a little crabby but he gets so frustrated. He hates it that he wets himself. He detest that he has to struggle to eat. His foot remained swollen all day and by evening the first signals were given to me.

The terrible sweats. He reminds me of someone who just got out of the shower and hasn’t dried off yet when he sweats. He started complaining about pain in the upper right side of his stomach. Then the number game started. One being the lowest and it rose to five.

I tried three times to put him to bed but he was so weak and my weakness became much more clear when I couldn’t get him in bed. I had to finally call Hospice and they sent help here.

I will be so glad to go to the Day Program tomorrow morning and speak to the manager and get these hours started for help to come in. I have been footing the entire bill since he came home Friday. I have had no help and if you need verification of this; just ask my neck and arms.

The company brought him a transport chair. I like this but the front wheels turn in all directions too often. I end up having to back him up and go forward to just get him over the carpet trim. He gets frustrated and so do I.

So hopefully Spiderspiderman man will save the day starting tomorrow.

The nurse showed up and helped me to put him in bed. She checked him over and called her supervisor. The plan was to give him stronger pain medications and let the internal tremors have their party inside his chest while he slept through it.

But God knew that Al was tired. As soon as we got him comfy he fell asleep within minutes. He did look at the nurse and I could tell  he was trying to tell her thank-you for showing up. She brought him an inner peace and God took care of the rest.

 

Where Are You?


My brother is worse now than earlier today. He is hateful and mean. He told the aide that there was urine all over the floor. She and I checked but saw nothing. He was angry at his wheelchair. He was angry at everything, even life.

In the two hours I was there over supper I heard him talking  about guns and death. He said he wished he was dead. I let everything I ever learn slip out of my right mind, as I sat in terror wondering where Al was in his mind.

I had even stopped at his old place at work, and chatted with his old boss. He gave me a hat and shirt to take to Al. I just knew that would make a world of difference. He gave me the tiniest of smiles but that was it. He didn’t want to try the hat on or even hold it.

His head was about an inch from his plate. He seemed so weak, or tired or, oh crap, I don’t even know what the word is, different.

I am afraid for my brother, I can’t lie and try to make you believe that I just know everything is going to be alright, because I don’t.

I wonder where Al is in his mind. I saw glimpses but then he would disappear. I was a rattlesnake. My mouth hissed words out so fast. I know I was a rambling idiot, but evidently my fear was bigger than life at this time.

I came home and took a shower. I looked at all the crap back in my living room. The sale was a flop. I had like five people stop. Never again, or not for a long time will I have a sale. I donated Al’s too big clothing and a lot of my clothes to a shelter for men/Scary-Night women about half an hour a way.

Someone can get use out of these. Right now I wish I could donate everything that reminds me of Mom, Dad, Al, myself and Parkinson’s. I am not depressed, I am scared, and partially numb.

I am waiting on a call from the nursing home, as they have given Al more than ample hours to act more like himself, but he didn’t make the mark.

Oh, Al, where are you baby brother…………

One More Behind Me


looking afraid..

looking afraid..

Another birthday

Over once again

Not ready to think

About another one

Beginning again

I have to now say

That for one single day

I turned the ripe old

Of a young 59

I don’t know why

It scares me like it does

But I am afraid of

Getting older

And afraid to die

I look at my skin

And I can see its age

I look at my eyes

And can see the new sag

But on the other hand

I have to think right

I have lived half

Of my life

And it wasn’t too bad

I hope for the best

And refuse to

Think the worst

I will just enjoy

Each day

And live like

It’s the last

Terry Shepherd

04/22/1954

Daily Prompt; Million-Dollar Question


blogging

blogging (Photo credit: hgjohn)

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Why do you blog?

When I see a breath of hope

When I miss the days gone by

When I need a friend to listen

When I feel the need to cry

When I find joy among my day

When I get lost along the way

When my brother feels so bad

And I can’t take any more pain today

This is why I blog.

Terry Shepherd

04/16/2013