Where Are You?


My brother is worse now than earlier today. He is hateful and mean. He told the aide that there was urine all over the floor. She and I checked but saw nothing. He was angry at his wheelchair. He was angry at everything, even life.

In the two hours I was there over supper I heard him talking  about guns and death. He said he wished he was dead. I let everything I ever learn slip out of my right mind, as I sat in terror wondering where Al was in his mind.

I had even stopped at his old place at work, and chatted with his old boss. He gave me a hat and shirt to take to Al. I just knew that would make a world of difference. He gave me the tiniest of smiles but that was it. He didn’t want to try the hat on or even hold it.

His head was about an inch from his plate. He seemed so weak, or tired or, oh crap, I don’t even know what the word is, different.

I am afraid for my brother, I can’t lie and try to make you believe that I just know everything is going to be alright, because I don’t.

I wonder where Al is in his mind. I saw glimpses but then he would disappear. I was a rattlesnake. My mouth hissed words out so fast. I know I was a rambling idiot, but evidently my fear was bigger than life at this time.

I came home and took a shower. I looked at all the crap back in my living room. The sale was a flop. I had like five people stop. Never again, or not for a long time will I have a sale. I donated Al’s too big clothing and a lot of my clothes to a shelter for men/Scary-Night women about half an hour a way.

Someone can get use out of these. Right now I wish I could donate everything that reminds me of Mom, Dad, Al, myself and Parkinson’s. I am not depressed, I am scared, and partially numb.

I am waiting on a call from the nursing home, as they have given Al more than ample hours to act more like himself, but he didn’t make the mark.

Oh, Al, where are you baby brother…………

One More Behind Me


looking afraid..

looking afraid..

Another birthday

Over once again

Not ready to think

About another one

Beginning again

I have to now say

That for one single day

I turned the ripe old

Of a young 59

I don’t know why

It scares me like it does

But I am afraid of

Getting older

And afraid to die

I look at my skin

And I can see its age

I look at my eyes

And can see the new sag

But on the other hand

I have to think right

I have lived half

Of my life

And it wasn’t too bad

I hope for the best

And refuse to

Think the worst

I will just enjoy

Each day

And live like

It’s the last

Terry Shepherd

04/22/1954

Daily Prompt; Million-Dollar Question


blogging

blogging (Photo credit: hgjohn)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Post, Daily Prompt

Why do you blog?

When I see a breath of hope

When I miss the days gone by

When I need a friend to listen

When I feel the need to cry

When I find joy among my day

When I get lost along the way

When my brother feels so bad

And I can’t take any more pain today

This is why I blog.

Terry Shepherd

04/16/2013

Today’s Visit With Al


crying emoticone

If fear wasn’t so strong

I think I would take off

For a little trip

On an island somewhere

All alone away from all

The visit with Al

Was too much to bear

His pain was at an all

Time high his cries

Never stopped and it

Was breaking my heart

I was told he has

Lost seven pounds this week

And  this caused

My heart to race

And it felt like it skipped beats

I helped him all I could

But I ended up doing no good

I cried with him for

The first time today

Our hearts were joined

In searing pain holding

Onto life with trembling hope

I helped him to lie down

After lunch and then the potty

His crying never stopped

As he told me words

That I understood

Please Terry take me home

I want to be with you

I choked and trembled

As he shook my roots of strength

I sat down on the bed

Beside him and grabbed

His hands placing them in mine

I told him that I promised

I was working as fast as I can

That I would have him back

Where he belonged

Then he looked at me one more time

And I could barely hear

The words he strained to tell me

Please don’t let me die in here………….

Terry Shepherd

04/12/2013

The Morning Walk


Big Bike

Every morning as long as the weather was above the freezing mark Jake looked forward to his walk. The walk was journeyed on a hand-made boardwalk through the city’s funding. It was located in town but in a serene location. Jake could discover various things with each step he took.female cardinal at millersIMG_0103101_0592

Jake took in every sight and breathed in all the fresh air his lungs could take. He lived for his daily walk.

When he went back home it was to an empty house. The same stale air and the same sounds coming from the television.

One morning when he was walking some kids came whizzing by on their bikes. They looked at Jake but said nothing. Only breezes lifting Jake’s hair was the true evidence they had been here.

Using his cane he lifted it up in the air and touched some leaves dangling from an over hung tree. He managed to knock a few down and tucked them gently into his shirt pocket.

He would hope to take these home and using tape place them on his windows, a reminder of where he had been.

There was one spot Jake routinely stopped at. This is where if he stood very still he could catch glimpses of deer.

Where Jake had lived with his life long wife deer were plentiful. Many times he and his wife would sip coffee together and watch the families of deer scamper through the fields.

A tear came to his eye as he waited for them to show, memories of his beloved utmost in his mind. His wife had passed on to a better world over four years ago. Jake wanted to go with her but he knew it was not time yet, but he promised her he would be along soon.

Soon enough what he had been quietly waiting for showed. A deer all alone. She seemed not to take notice of Jake as she made her way through the tall grasses. Inching closer and closer to him. He could see her eyes. Such a gentle look they held. He smiled and lingered on her beauty.

Lost in the image he didn’t hear the noise coming up behind him. The deer did though and she scampered off quickly into taller hiding areas. This forced Jake to come to the reality of moments and he turned just in time to see the kids speeding by him.

One rider decided he was going to have some fun with Jake. Without asking permission he rode so close that he knocked Jake down to the ground. The other riders stopping a head and looking back asked,”What did you have to go and do that for? Don’t you get in to enough trouble the way it is?”

Most of the bicycles took off not wanting anything to do with their friend. One bike remained far enough a head but still taking in the scenes being played out.

The bully was not done yet. He was having a good time. He rode past Jake and turned around and came racing back. Jake saw it coming and he took his cane and shook it at the kid trying to scare him off.

Jake tried to hurry and get up but he thought he may have twisted his ankle during his fall. For when he tried to stand he winced in pain. All he had to defend himself with was his cane and his mouth.

The kid went a head and turned once again charging at the poor man lying defenseless on the wooden walk way. As he came close to Jake he was prepared for the cane but Jake gave it everything he had and he managed to make a cracking sound as his cane met the bike.

This pissed off the kid. He stopped immediately and wrestled Jake for the cane. Once he had it in his power he tossed it way out in to those tall grassy fields. There was no way he could escape now. He realized he was at the mercy of the dragon.

The bicyclist that had been watching took off on his bike. Now it was Jake against the wrath of fires. The kid got off his bike and proceeded to taunt him. Words came flaring out of his mouth.” Why don’t you try to get up now you old man? Come on what you waiting for? Cat got your tongue?” Every word he spat would follow by laughter. This sound infiltrated into Jake’s soul and he was fearful of his life.

There was no fear in the minor. He came closer and kicked Jake in the stomach. When he saw how easy it was to move the body he kicked him in the ribs and then in the head. Leaning back grabbing his stomach he was laughing; a mean laugh. This had to be as close to Satan‘s laugh as you could ever imagine.

The bully still had not had enough. Jake tried to curl himself up in a ball to further protect himself. He wasn’t strong enough as the kid grabbed a hold of his arm and began to pull him. Jake looked to where he was being pulled to and so much fear took over as he saw the edge of the walk coming closer he urinated on himself.

There was a rail along the boardwalk but under the support was nothing but open plains. This kid was going to kill him. Not with a knife nor a gun, but by drowning him. He was going to push him over the edge and leave him for the buzzards.

The kid struggled a little trying to move Jake. Jake was trying to kick the brat with his legs. The kid had enough of this crap and took a hold of  poor old Jake’s arms and started to yank him over the edge.

Behind the kid came two strong sets of fingers. They clamped down on his skin so tightly

Cop doing his job.

that the nasty kid’s face winced in pain. He flipped around to see two tall and muscular policemen standing there. The one officer had his hands on the bully and the other officer was tending to Jake.

“It seems that your friends ratted on you my friend. They turned to us to help you”. He faced the bully a way from him and slapped a pair of cuffs on the kid. ” Punk, you are coming with me. I will call your parents from the car and have them meet us at the station.”

The other officer helped Jake to sit up. He radioed for an ambulance. Jake ended up staying in the hospital for a few days with one broken rib, multiple bruises and an ulceration to his head.

With the kid being a minor he was released into the care of his parents. He had to attend juvenile court but was given a smack on the fingers and let go. Poor old Jake finally got to go home, but he didn’t wake up any longer eager for his morning walks. He sat in front of his television and began to nap more often throughout the day. The bully who he never learned of his name had taken his livelihood away from him. The two would never meet again.

Let Us


Fear terror eye

Hiding within

Afraid to look out

Fearful of thy tongue

Scared to speak

Wronged of all doing

Fingers point at me

Always the first suspect

Why bother trying to explain

I have already been hung

One pebble in the sand

Trying to fight for everyone

No title on my shirt

Am I without a brain

Cold and non caring

Are whom  I find that stand

With hands held out

Waiting for all you have

Some days I want to die

And I ask myself why bother

I can never win the game

I am but a pebble in the sand

One lonely grain among others

I look like him or her over there

I do not stand out

I don’t have much fight left

Please leave us alone

Let life carry us through

What have we ever done

To make your eyes so cold

Have we met somewhere before

Do you know me from my past

Please let us who are different

Take stand and be noticed

Let us show our tears

Let us show our fears

Let us feel love as you do

Let us.

Terry Shepherd

02/22/2013

Daily Prompt; Apply Yourself/ The Daily Post


http://dailypost.wordpress.com

Daily Prompt: Apply Yourself

by Michelle w. on January 19, 2013

Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to you.

Accepting was my last attempt to learn but it still has not come. I guess I have always been a dreamer. I think I have always been filled with the hope of tomorrow.hope for tomorrow

Too much pain, too little time, and too tired. This is how I feel today. I am exhausted.

Some of us, especially me, believe that no matter what is thrown in our path, we can fix it. If we can not fix it we can work around it.

Actually my friends, today was or is not  the perfect day to be writing about this prompt. I actually laughed at it when I saw the title. I may feel entirely different tomorrow, but today I feel nothing more than a cat stretched out on the bed taking a nap.

The first sign I had, was I woke up in pain. Not physical, emotional. I had dream after dream last night about my family and my brother. It was emotional enough, that I didn’t jump up and make the coffee. Instead I went back to bed.

They say it is bad to go to sleep pondering on the problems in your life. I guess there is truth in this as I once again dreamed. Waking up the next time, I felt like I had been drug through the mud. This made my emotions even more intense.

The mud puddles that I keep stepping in instead of over are damaging my soul. I can not help myself. Believe me I have tried. I have plastered the smile on my face. I made the coffee. I have prayed over and over for me to see people in the right lighting.  I have played my favorite tunes, but I am still tired.

Tired of trying to believe that my family is  here. Tired of being alone. Tired of the silence. Tired of being ignored. It hurts so darn bad when you reach out to a loved one and all you get in return is silence.

It hurts so much when I see the changes going on in my life with my brother. My voice is scratchy from trying to explain to others what I stand for, what I believe and no one listens. You listen, don’t get me wrong, I know that I am blessed with the biggest support group here on WordPress. When I step a way from the computer and I have nothing else to say, I will once again see the hard truth of where I fit in.

I do not keep a journal but I am very aware of life that is around me. I am so sorry my friends. I am sorry for dumping on you. I am not being an inspiration to anyone today. I am not going to see Al today. I can’t take it, maybe I am a coward, I don’t know. I don’t want any added problems just for today.

Hopefully I will snap out of this and come flying back with some witty thing to say later. For now, I am going back to bed.

Yesterday The Mountain, Today The Valley


I am so angry with myself, because I can not get the change to take place from deep within me. I have had prayers. I have many friends, and yet it only takes one moment and my heart is again breaking. I am too much of a softie. My heart expands too big. I am not tough enough around the edges.

The only thing I can say is that today, I walked out of the facility with no tears. My heart was in my shoes, and I came home and played my Time Capsule I made last evening over and over.http://wp.me/p2g4Y2-46d

I had my water class this morning. I actually laughed and talked much more than I used to. The teacher asked me to bring in a poem that I have written. She wants to read it herself. I pondered on that, since she doesn’t really know me, but she says she wants the honor of reading an upcoming publisher’s work. I couldn’t help it. I laughed. I felt bad for laughing, but I know I will never become what she is suggesting.

I told her I was laughing because I was embarrassed by the nice complement, and thank goodness she believed me. I had a great time exercising and socializing. Next Thursday is when this poem will be read.

I showered and changed and went to see Al. I saw that he was sitting in the new dining room. He was upset. Not at me but at the changes. I think it is so difficult for Al to accept change like the rest of us. It takes him too long to digest, but some of it he did get.

The kitchen staff had scribbled out the breads on his menu and this upset him terribly. So now he had been moved to a different dining room, had his straws taken a way and no breads. That is a big amount of change at once. I convinced staff to let him have the garlic bread as that is his favorite bread, and they agreed.

Al was throwing a temper tantrum over the changes. His tremors were so bad that he knocked over his dining partner’s water-glass. He was crying hysterically, and then started to swear. I explained that if he was not willing to stop eating more than one snack at night, they were going to take something a way. He did understand this. He knew that he was eating more than he should have, but no one was stopping him either.

The nurse then came over and tried to explain about Al’s heart and his weight gain. I even piped in and told him to try to go back to when he was here at home and have just one snack again with his pop at night. The problem is, that by law, the staff can not tell him no on foods.

It is very possible that with the fit he threw he may get the breads back, I don’t know. He would not calm down and so the nurse pushed him back to his room. I stood in the shadows and let the nurse try to talk to him. She looked at me and I tried, but nothing worked. He went on and on about how every one wants him to drink water only.

They want him to starve. He asked the nurse to go a way and the only one he wanted to stay was me, but the nurse looked at me and said,” If he doesn’t settle down, we will be forced to call a Psyche Unit”.

Unfortunately Al heard every word and got even worse, saying no one liked him. Before I knew it I was telling her,” Please don’t do this. I have had Al at these places before and they refuse to treat him because they believe this is mostly due to side effects of Parkinson’s Disease“. She looked at me and said, “Oh I was just kidding”. I thought to myself,just kidding, just kidding! Do you realize that Al has heard every word you have just said! You now say you are kidding and now look at him. He will not settle down and probably will not eat.

She looked at me and said ,” He needs a time-out. I suggest you go on home”. Al and I looked at each other and I told him I would be back Friday, but maybe I will go in tomorrow. I will definitely call later today.

I have always looked at myself as the one solid thing Al can count on. I am getting a little tired of being told to go home. Maybe I can say nothing, maybe I can do nothing, but I can sit there with him, and he will know that he is not alone.

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