Lessons In Life

There is a topic  from the Golden Girls, that no matter how many times I watch it; it always touches me way down deep.

It is about when Rose becomes unemployed and she speaks about the bag lady she sees each morning.

It makes me ponder on my own life. I wonder if you do this too. Do you ever think you could be in a position of being a bag lady/man? Did you study real hard in  high-school and go to college and are now in the middle of a great career? Only to find out the company is downsizing.

Did you ever in your wildest dreams think that one of the major reasons you were being escorted to the front door is because you had proven yourself over and over what an outstanding employee you had been them? That the benefits you had earned was the reason you were being let go? The company has learned to hire temps, because they don’t require the extras.

When I was living in Florida I was amazed at how many people were homeless. You hear the hype about big old Florida. The place to retire, the bright, warm sunshine. How could there  be homeless in such a glorified state?

Florida is a great place to retire if you were lucky enough to be on the right end of the stick. If you were the prior generation that lived, played and worked hard. When there was an economy that was better balanced.

A time before companies figured out several ways to give you less service for a bigger dollar. Life was slower. Food was grown in the ground. Families worked together, looking out for each others interests.

Your meat wasn’t filled with chemicals. It was home-grown, corn-fed, and butchered at your local meat market. Although life is always tough no matter what generation you come from, the family that stays together, prays together and lives for one another are the ones who now look at their Golden Years with stars in their eyes. Their hard work had paid off and now they can ride golf carts,  play golf and frolic in the sun.

But life isn’t like that today. Nothing is stable and there are no more securities. Many live and save for a vacation. But there are many who try so hard to save and when vacation comes they stay home or travel close by. Camping has become a great way to have fun.

If you can even afford a six man tent, you can find many fun and enjoyable places to relax and enjoy the outdoors. But there is still a deeper issue. The ones who are our neighbors, or maybe we worked with, who never saw it coming.

There was no preparations for the future. We thought we had it made in a shade. Suddenly the job is gone. There are two mortgages on the house. Two to three vehicles sitting in the drive way. A swimming pool out back. The kids wear only name brand clothing. The newest make-up and hair styles had to be had. Every credit card in our wallets is maxed out.

We never gave it a second thought that tomorrow may not come. This takes me back to the Golden Girl show and my own experience. I may have talked about this many moons ago. If I did, forgive me, but on the other hand, it is very important for all of us struggling in today’s world to keep this foremost in our heads.

Many of us live believing and knowing that God will not let us walk through it without knowing he is by our side. But we also know that this world is to get worse. The Bible promises us this. It has to get worse before Jesus can come back.

One day I was at a local gas station near my home. I was getting ready to get out of my car and this man started coming towards me. He didn’t want anything from me but yet by his looks I was a little afraid. Shame on me for acting this way. Even the ugliest of sheep can wear the most beautiful clothes.

I watched this man who looked like he hadn’t had a bath in days. His clothes were torn and didn’t fit properly. What he was doing was going through the trash cans. When I realized this I pumped my gas and went in the store to pay.

I said, do you know there is a man out there rummaging through the trash?

Yes, we know it. He is a regular here. Every morning and evening he pays us a visit. He is looking for soda cans or food. We save him our donuts each day and he takes them with a smile.

My heart dropped down to my toes. Here I was, worrying about the rising prices of gas. Complaining in my head about what I had to pay the clerk. I had forgotten to be thankful for having the money to pay.

I felt like a real ass to tell you the truth. Right there in the store I thanked God for all of the wonderful blessings he had bestowed on me through the years. Yes, life is tough. Life throws us many curves. I hate the high prices of anything today. But I am  more careful now ever since that gas station incident.

I watch how much I am wasting. I ask myself, do I really need it, or do I just want it.

When I walked out of the store I walked up to the man. I handed him some money. He looked at it and you would have thought it was the biggest amount of money he had seen in a long time.  Who knows, it may very well have been. He got teary-eyed, and he grabbed my two hands into his and he started shaking my hands. Thank-you, thank-you mam. You don’t know what a blessing this is for me. I can now go to the grocery store and purchase some food that I know is safe to eat.

We hugged each other and he waved and smiled as I got back in my car and left. My heart swelled and my eyes were wet from tears. It felt glorious to help another person. I love helping people. I can’t always say yes to others but I try to do what I can.

Thank-you God for allowing me to learn that life can not be taken for granted. This was a lesson that I needed to learn today. While I sometimes forget to say thanks, and there are times I forget that you are near me, you are constantly watching over me, teaching me things I need to learn before I am allowed to come home. Amen

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Impossible or Probable

This is a prompt from Plinky.

What are the six impossible things you believe in? (If you can only manage one or two, that’s also okay.)

This is a fine line for me. What do I believe in that is impossible. What do I believe in that is probable.

Impossible may include ridding myself of my Diabetes. I have had this for over 30 years. It is definitely not going anywhere unless I can afford to have a pancreatic transfer. I hear they cost a lot of money, so the probable for me is a no.

I have been heavy my whole life. I blame it on my biological mother, well at least I used to. She gave me whole milk and that’s all I ever had for many months. Today’s research is that the fat in the milk is very bad for you. This is not impossible that I will never be thin, but improbable. Maybe I have gotten used to the weight I live in.

There are many things that affect our work to lose weight. Mostly though it is our outlook on our lives. Maybe if I had a boyfriend, it would be probable that I would lose weight. When I look at my age it then turns to impossible. Why bother, I am just getting old and having aches and pains anyways. You can now see how I have argued with myself after I lost the initial 100 pounds. If I lost 35 more pounds I would strut like a fine Peacock.

Some of the world would like to convince me that believing in God is an impossible dream. I have seen proof with my very own eyes. He exists. Even with Al walking today it is a  miracle. It may have stemmed from the pain patch. But where did the pain patch come from? Who gave the scientists the knowledge to be able to make these? God did.

I don’t think that living here in Indiana that it would be probable that I could have Florida weather. Now that Spring has sprung and we still have cold weather and a big snow storm coming Sunday and Monday, warmth all year is impossible.

These are just a few things I have thought of. I am sure there are hundreds of other ideas I could think of but I am hungry for my supper, so I am now stopping at number 4.

 

 

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Daily Prompt ; Seven Days / The Daily Post

Daily Post, Daily Prompt, DP

http://dailypost.wordpress.com

You wake up tomorrow morning to find all your plans have been cancelled for the next seven days and $10,000 on your dresser. Tell us about your week.

The first thing I would do is rub my eyes and stare at the money. All the plans I had made would come in second place. I am human what can I say? It would finally be a V-8 moment and I would carefully go throughout my house to see if there were any other tell tale  signs of someone entering without my knowledge.

I would go to my routine without thinking. Make my coffee, splash cold water on my face to waken my eyes and thought process and brush my teeth. Oh wait I need to run a brush through my messy hair. Why don’t I have satin pillows so I don’t have to do that last step? LOL

Drinking my coffee my mind would edge its way to what were my plans. I would grab my date book and gaze through the boxes on the calendar. O yes, I was to have a doctor’s appointment. He was going to scold me for my sugars and my smoking. Well cross that one out and reschedule. It truly is a pleasure to put this event on hold.

Go to the track two days and walk. I know I should be sad but my body is jumping up and down with excitement to have a respite from this week. Aside from the guilt of not doing all I can do to be the best I can be; I can live with it.

The three days I have marked to go see Al does bother me. What am I going to say to him? What will he understand for me not being there? I will have to think on this one.Oh wait a cotton picking minute! He is no longer in that place. He is home here with me. Cross those thoughts out on having to explain my absence. The last day Friday, bill pay-day. I never have enjoyed that day of the week. All these bill companies wanting to take my money from me. What did I ever do to them? Well, I guess since I don’t pay late, they will accept waiting until Monday.

I toss the book aside and sip on my coffee wondering if I can get on my WP and shout it out that I have all this loot sitting here. Maybe I should not do that. I have heard those nightmare stories on 60 minutes. It seems that when people come into money, people you don’t even know come banging on your door. Nah, no one on WP is like that.

I have wonderful friends here. I don’t have to worry. They would be shouting along with me on my amazing find. Maybe I would make arrangements to fly, get tickets for trains, book what ever I have to in order to have every one of my WP friends here for a party to celebrate.

Yes, I think this is a fantastic idea. I love sharing and this makes me feel good. I will post on here my intentions and have everyone who follows me email me their personal information so I can make the arrangements for their arrival.

This is going to be so much fun. I am actually biting at the bit to make a huge picnic menu. Let’s see, slow cooked ribs over the open fires. Let’s throw on some chicken and some steaks too.

We will have more salad combinations than even the President has rested eyes on. I will make sure to have prepared dishes that  have no meat for my vegetarian friends too, this is very important. I don’t want anyone to feel left out.

I will go through old post and borrow some of my favorite recipes bloggers have posted for our desserts. Maybe I should get out the old ice-cream maker out and crank up some good old-fashioned treats. For drinks I will borrow the neighbor’s over-sized coffee pot. I shall make gallons of sun tea. In case we have any pop fans, I will purchase some soda too. Sorry there will be no alcohol at my party, I don’t touch the stuff.

Oh I am so excited. All of you can meet Al. We can all hug each other and talk face to face instead of chatting through the screens. I can’t wait. I have six weeks until everyone arrives. I better do some heavy-duty spring cleaning too. I don’t want any dust bunnies to pop their heads out, I would just die inside!

I would take some of the money and finishing paying off my car. It is my biggest burden. I still have a year and a half to pay on it, so let’s rid that puppy. I would go through Al’s summer clothes and see if he needs any adjustments made.

He and I would go on a mini trip to Florida. He and I absolutely loved the Amish restaurant we used to dine at. We would fly in and stay at a hotel over night. The next day we would drive by his prior day care and we would make a visit so he could chat with all of his old friends. I can just see his big smiles. This brings a happy tear to my eye.

After all is said and done, I would finish paying off Al’s funeral bill that is being threatened to be taken a way now. This will bring me comfort. I think I will add a policy for me also, since I have no plans made for my ending date.

With the rest of the money, I would place it in a secure safe. I just don’t trust those banking institutions anymore. They used to be such a good thing, but now it seems they charge for every little thing down to a signature. The safe is safer. I won’t make any interest on it but I don’t through the banks any longer either, so who cares.

Well now I feel so good inside. My friends are coming for a home-coming party. They will be camping out here at my home for a couple of days. I have the menu planned for the gathering. Al’s wardrobe is complete. We have managed to help Al’s heart burst from joy as he dines at his favorite restaurant and sees old friends. Our funerals are paid for and we have some left-over for a rainy day.

Life is good isn’t it? I don’t know who or what left that money on my dresser, but you certainly must be my brother and my guardian angels. You and God have seen our sorrows and our tears. Thank-you thank-you who ever you are.

Is Winter Gone Yet?

You should have seen me this morning. I know a lot of you would have been having a good laugh at my expense.

This morning was Al’s swallow test. When I woke up and looked outside the window, I was disappointed. It was snowing. Now don’t get me wrong. I think snow is grandiose, but only when I am inside looking out.

It has been so darn cold here these past couple weeks, but God knew I needed to go to this appointment so a bit higher temperatures were given to me. It was 18 when I took off out of the drive.

When it warms up in increments, you take the chance of having snow. Guess what, it was snowing. My darn car is rear wheel drive. This is not a good thing when you live in a snow belt area. But hey, it didn’t snow in Florida. I just hate to purchase another car and have long-term car payments again. Mine will be paid off next year.

So I warm the car up an elongated amount of time. When I got in it still seemed a little chilly. I took off. Where I live is the biggest hurdle. Getting out of the addition. The main roads were snow-covered and icy in spots. I drove about 20 m.p.h. It didn’t bother me too much since others were driving the same speed.

I finally got there and as I was walking up to the hospital entrance I saw the van that was bringing my brother. I waited and when I saw him I waved through the window. It felt odd to see him in his wheel chair. Only because yesterday he had a better day. She explained that the walk alone inside the corridors would make him so fatigued,  we would have more problems and I understood that perfectly.

The test was very easy and didn’t take that long. They did switch his regular diet to mechanical soft and added PRN a product known as thicket. You can use this poweder  to thicken liquids to honey, pudding or thick consistencies. We used to use it here at home.

I thought the muscles in his throat were not working but this was not the case. Al gets so exhausted from chewing foods, that the effort to swallow becomes more difficult. The doctors are hoping with less effort to chew maybe he would be able to swallow better his drinks. He told me that he could not drink all of his milk at breakfast this morning because 8 oz. was just too much. Hearing him and the professionals I can now understand or get a better picture of what is happening in his mouth. It was fascinating to watch the x-rays as he chewed and swallowed

So I gave him a hug good-bye and told him I loved him. I watched the driver place him back in the van and then went to clean my snow-covered car once again. After sliding in spots I was in no hurry to go back home. But it is crazy to sit in a hospital parking lot waiting for the snow to stop and waiting for the city to clean the streets, so off I went.

I got about a mile from the hospital and my eye started feeling very irritated. It is better today but still not healed. There was something in it. I just knew it, but I was driving on slick streets.

I tried so gently to get what ever was in my eye out, but no luck. For one reason, I was already struggling to see with equal vision with the gel fogging my one eye. Another reason was no matter how I tried, the gel was slippery to my fingers. Darn it. My eye lashes were opening and closing so fast not even a fly would have come near for fear of being batted to death.

I could not pull over. As I drove with one hand, I moved my swollen eye lid around as much as I could until finally it sank to the bottom of my eye lid. I could feel it but at least the fluttering of the eye lashes had simmered down. I had about five miles to go at 20 m.p.h. I took all main streets and tried to keep my eyes as wide open as possible to keep the little pest from coming back into view.

Finally I made it home. I flipped off my boots as quick as I could. I went to the bathroom and got the hand mirror and looked at my glistening eye. It was red and irritated. This is normal though. If you had been pinched over and over your would be red too.

I peeked everywhere I could but I saw nothing. I didn’t dare wipe my eye too much or I would lose the medicine in it and I am only allowed to use it three times per day. The corner of my eye was starting to itch and when I looked very close I saw it. There it was. I ever so carefully inched my fingers as close to my eye without blinding myself and on the third try I got it.

It was about a half-inch size of white fuzz. I took that little bugger and flushed him. Gone out of sight and out of mind. I comforted my eye with words of I will not pick on you anymore. I will let you rest until the next dosage time rolls around. I am so sorry I irritated you to the point you saw red. It’s going to be ok now.

So all in all, Al had some changes, but no puree food yet, just a different texture of foods. I slid in the snow but made it to his appointment and back home. As soon as I parked in my own drive, I thanked God for keeping me and other drivers safe. As I was walking up to the house leaving snowy foot-prints behind me I thought, I hope Al knows how much I love him. He is the only person I would get out in the snow with a messed up eyeball for.

Update on Exercise Class and Walking Track

Well catching up here with you about my exercise class and walking. I did go, yeah! I went in and paid my dollar for my class. I borrowed a locker key and they held my purse as ransom.lol

I put my coat and boots in the locker and put my clean dry shoes on and walked to the room that the class was to be held at. There was one lady there. She was much older than I. Completely white-haired. I asked her if this was the right room and she said yes. She told me that they usually walk the track for about fifteen minutes, so I went to the track. It isn’t a big track. It takes 19 laps to make one mile. I walked three times around it then saw others were going into the class.

I found two, three pound weights and grabbed those along with a stretch band. Eventually about 9 people were seated. One man, and the rest ladies. The man was white-haired also with a long white beard. He was 85 years old and had, you will never believe this, he had Parkinson’s!

I was the baby of the class. The only one with any color in my hair, of course the secret is hair dye! I looked around and felt a little uncomfortable being so much younger, but stayed. A hottie guy came in. He was somewhere in his twenties. He was the teacher. He spent about ten minutes chatting about New Years and such. Then we got down to the hard work.

I had worn my spandex pants with a spandex top and a T-shirt over it. I was ready to sweat it out, but it never happened. We mainly sat on straight chairs and did stretches. We used the weights maybe twice. We used the stretch bands about five minutes. There was no music and it was very quiet in the room.

I asked why there was no music and he asked,”Why should there be”? I explained that when I was in Florida I belonged to a senior fitness group. We did mat exercises and foot movements and light aerobics to some hip hop music. It was up beat and really got us all going. He said, “oh, isn’t my voice enough”? I didn’t say anything more.

Inside I was thinking,this isn’t going to work. This class is not for me. They don’t do enough because I am not even breaking a sweat. You get what you pay for, a dollar for class, a dollar’s worth of stretches. I think I expected more.

When the class was about over he had us walk three more laps. All together I walked six laps, so what is that? Six out of nineteen makes a mile. Maybe I walked a third mile? After class I spoke to the director about a harder class. The next class level up was 30.00 more, so I would have to pay 50 a month and I just can’t afford that.

I left the building wondering if I should go back next Tuesday. This class is on Tues and Thurs. I stopped at the pharmacy and got my medications and then came home. After I was home about an hour, I thought, I wonder if the little bit I did helped my sugar numbers at all. What the heck, I will check them anyways.

I have been fighting with my sugars ever since Al has been placed. They were constantly in the two hundreds. It isn’t outrageously high, but too high, and high enough to be on insulin. I was shocked, totally buggy eyed. My sugars were 98. 98 in the middle of the day! Wow! I didn’t sweat but my body responded to the work that I had done and the few laps I took of walking. So I am going back. For now, as long as the mild exercise works I will  pay the dollar. If I get to the point that my body becomes plateau, I can continue the walking as much as I like. I do better in a class situation with other people though, so I hate to give the class up. Exercising here at home alone never works. I make it about three days then I quit.

So all in all, I was very happy. I didn’t sweat, I wasn’t in  pain, and yet my sugars were way down. I did it!!!

 

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Daily Prompt; Live to Eat/ Daily Post

English: sumstar ice cream maker single flavor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some people eat to live, while others live to eat. What about you? How far would you travel for the best meal of your life?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com

I live to eat and eat to live. Being a diabetic is not fun at all. While I crave everything I shouldn’t have, just like a child, I also have to eat because I take oral medications.

Do you know what it is like to not be hungry but you have to eat because you just popped those pills down your throat? Most diabetic pills need food to force the medications to work. I am lucky so far that I am on oral medications and not on insulin.

When my father was dying he had to take steroid pills. The side-effect was very high sugar numbers. Three times a day I had to give him insulin injections because his sugar numbers were in the 800′s. This is very dangerous if left alone to venture its way into your body. It can damage so many of your nerve endings.

I never have had my sugars that high, but I do have the nerve damage in my feet. I can’t stand walking or standing very long, because my feet become a roaring fire at a camping site. Oh it hurts so bad. You just want to soak your feet in ice but that would make them burn worse. When my feet get cold in the winter, i have more trouble with burning pain.

If I could go anywhere and get a meal that I absolutely love, I would travel the hundreds of miles and go back to Florida. I would drive as quickly as I could, racing to the restaurant I loved while living there called Tomatoes.

I loved this place. To me, being a diabetic, it was heaven, or the next best thing. It was a cute mid-size establishment. The walls were decorated so homey. No matter where you looked, all you saw was brilliant colors of greens, oranges and reds. Tomatoes is a pasta and salad buffet restaurant.

You can have as many salads, fixed a variety of ways. It is your choice to adorn the lettuce the way you wish. They even have two types of lettuce to  pick from. After you pigged out, you could even have a bite of dessert! There was no choosing on desserts actually. There is one ice-cream machine, and guess what! Out of its spicket comes nice thick sugar-free ice-cream.

Now is that heaven or not? Stuff yourself silly, add a slice of bread or any multiple carbs they offer and even get zero calorie dessert. I sure wish they had one of these restaurants here! All we mainly have in my town are drive-thru and then we have an AppleBees, Golden Corral and a Bennigans. Plan to take a few extra dollars for these dining facilities.

Aww, my mouth is watering right now imagining myself walking the black and white checkered floors, filling my plate and sitting in my favorite booth. I would tuck my napkin in, because I only slop food when I am out in public, lol, and I would say grace and dig in!

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Maybe

I am writing to help myself clear my thoughts, and maybe heal a little more. Yesterday, my son and his family who do spend a lot of time here with me, came down and we used our smoker to smoke chicken for supper. I am not kidding, the time it took to cook this meat, was worth the wait. It was so delicious!

This was sort of like our second Thanksgiving, since my daughter came from out-of-state to spend time with me. She brought only one of her daughters and her husband had other commitments, so I didn’t get to say hello to him at all.

It was a little strained. There have been issues, and through it all, I am trying to bring back the person that has been hiding for so many years, and to begin to say what is important to me, and stand on my own two feet emotionally. For some people, this feels odd, others may not appreciate it, and still others enjoy seeing my strength come back.

I just got to the point in my life, that I felt like I needed to quit saying things to people, that I didn’t feel right in saying, but wanted to keep the peace, so to say. Knowing I may be hurting others, is not an intentional thing I want to do, but being someone other than myself was also destroying me.

This morning, I didn’t feel well. My hip and back where I have the arthritis hurt pretty good. I have done much more physical activity, and more work in the kitchen, so my body is screaming at me to take it easy.

I wanted to go see Al because I had not been there for two days. When I walked in, he was sitting in his recliner, hiding behind those stupid curtains that cut you off from the world, and dividing your room, making it look smaller.

He looked up at me, and I received a half-smile. He seemed different, just as he has other times, and I asked him how he was and if he was in pain. He said he was adjusting. What does this mean, adjusting. We kept talking and then he broke down in tears. He cried so much that his eyes looked like he had Pink Eye. He is sad and lonely, he said, and part of him wanted to come home.

The sad part for me, is I did not want to show him how much I missed him, by crying also, and as he and I chatted, I realized that he now knew the facility was not going to fix him. He had received the news that his therapy was all over, and they had told him they could not help his PD any longer.My guts and heart wrenched when he said this, because this was his only desire to going to a new home. He was not making the friends that he had hoped for and one reason for this, was his memory remembers his eight week rehab in Florida, where the patients are much happier and know they are only going to be there a short time. It was easy to make friends.

Here, he is roommates with someone in their eighties, and his roommate  is cuddled in his blanket most of the time he is up and he naps a lot. Al and him do speak, but it isn’t the same kind of talk he is accustomed to.

He gets one other visitor, that I am not crazy about, and I won’t go into that now, as it is another blog in itself. No one goes to visit him but me from family, so he sits. I think he is getting depressed and this scares me. He told me about his aching legs and I asked him if he went to church today and he said he didn’t know about any church.

Even though I had talked to him at an earlier time, he had forgotten I think. After we talked, I let him put his slippers on , and I went to speak to the nurse in charge of him that shift. I explained that Al will not ask for his pain medications, and he doesn’t ask about social activities. I explained his mentality, and said that a routine had to be formed and then a habit would occur.

She said she does asks Al if he needs pain medications, and he says no sometimes. I told her how Al has grown used to his  pain, and then he only asks when his pain level is so high, he can’t take it anymore. She said if she ask him and he says no, then she won’t give him any. I understand this, but at home, I didn’t want his pain to get so bad, that his tears and speaking of death came to a head. I don’t know how to deal with this. You have the laws of the nursing department, and you have the mentality of a patient.

Al said if he came home, we would argue again, and he may be right. He said he feels out-of-place, and I defended that remark, by saying I had never told him that I wanted him to leave and live somewhere else. He told me I could not fix his Parkinson’s and now the facility can’t fix it either. He told me it is so hard for him, that he just wants it fixed.

We talked about the arguing here at home the past few months that he was here. We talked about his wanting to die so bad, and that I could not help him do this. I told him how much it bothered me when he spoke of death, and he said he could not help it, and I said that this was what caused a lot of stress and arguing at home, that I was weak inside, because I loved him, and it hurt so bad, knowing he wanted to die.

As I sat there chatting with him, my heart was breaking into pieces. Part of me was remembering the frustrations of what we had been through here at home, part of me was thinking how bad I was, because I could not hold on anymore. Part of Al wanted to come home, part of me wants him to come home, and part of him wanted to stay there.

It is a mess in my eyes. I see a man crying, a man sad and hurting, a man who misses his family and a man who wants to be loved by everyone. I see a man who remembers working and going to ballgames, and auctions and having a life, now being forced to be dependent on all others. I hate his dad, our dad, for causing so much emotional pain for him, not accepting that his own son was different.  I hate Parkinson’s for ripping my brother’s future apart. I hate that my own family won’t take the time to go see him. I hate everything and everyone right now, but it is because I am hurting emotionally. I was hurting from the strain among family yesterday. I went to my own bed last night crying from what used to be. I clung to my memories of my own children and how it used to be, and now fighting the changes, that have come about due to the lack of understanding on their part, and the yearning to want to be able to be myself.

I hurt for not being able to care for my brother as well as I used to. I hurt because he is hurting, and what is worse than anything, is I look around my empty house and I look at the Christmas tree that the lights are off, and my own life takes the form of the tree. Dark and dreary, unable to put the light back on, unable to make anyone happy, unable to spark a brightness in others lives.

Right now I am so thankful I am the age I am, that my life is at least half over. Heaven sounds great! No more aching heart, no more sadness, only light and joy. People tell me you can’t make others happy unless you are happy yourself. I don’t know about this, because the more I try to do what is right, the more life becomes gray.

Hopefully, tomorrow , the day will be brighter, the air will smell fresher, and maybe Al will realize somewhere deep in his heart, that I am not his dad, that I am his sister, and I love him with all of my heart. I want him safe, and happy and as pain-free as possible. Maybe some day people will respect me for being strong, and if they do not, maybe some day, I will also adjust to living alone, behind some curtain, dividing the world off from me, hiding behind the curtain, and wishing things were different.

All I know at this moment, is that I desire and need peace. No more screaming from anyone, no more arguing, no more pain, no more nothing. I pray for an inner peace to come over me and fill my heart. I pray for the heart ache to leave, and I  pray for the tears that fall too easily to once again disappear like they had for the past five years.

Related articles

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• I Just Had A Bad Time… Writing The Pain Out (grannyscolorful.wordpress.com)
• It’s Okay To Be Weak Sometimes (thoughtcatalog.com)

Blizzard Treats

 

When Al has days that are full of pain, I try to think of things to get his mind off of the pain, even if it was only for a short time. I took him to Dairy Queen for supper, and he had his favorite blizzard, Reese Cup mixed with Reese’s Pieces. He was surel enjoying it.

While there we ran into a class mate of his that he went to elementary special education with and we all three chatted but Al could not remember him at all.

Outside our window seat we saw this train. Al used to scream bloody murder when he heard trains when he was small, and he also screamed like this when he got his hair cuts. I think these ages were around five or six. Neither of us at that age had been taken out into the public, so the whistles from the trains, and the shears scared him to death.

These are some of the frozen ice-cream cakes Dairy Queen sales. One year, Al wanted one with an old car for his decoration, when we lived in Florida. While we were there getting his favorite treat, I went ahead an ordered one. It was my error for not asking how much it would be. I thought no more than twenty something, but when I went to pick it up, it was over $30.00. I was shocked, and Al was very lucky that I love him, because I would have told them I didn’t want it after all!

We were all finished with supper, and Al had to use the men’s room. I waited and finally he came out. We were almost to the front door, and he says too loudly, I pooped! I don’t have to take any poop medicines tonight.

I am sure my face turned as red as the roof on the building, and I looked at him, and said let’s go. He asked me, what did I do wrong? I said later. We both left and once in the car, I explained for the third or fourth time, that we don’t talk like that about our bathroom business in public, especially at restaurants. He said sorry, he forgot.

Now we are home and he is with his television relaxing, and feeling five pounds lighter.

 

A Different Fair Event

Historic photo of the Pine County Fair (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is the free day of our county fair. Since Al and I had been cooped up within these four walls for a few days because of the heat, I thought he may enjoy getting out for a while. I knew that they were going to  have a special section, that would probably interest him, as it was all antique tractors and old-time farm products.

I asked him after lunch if he wanted to go after he got up from his nap, and he said yes.While Al slept, I cleaned the bathrooms and dusted and swept. This is getting to be a custom for me on Sunday afternoons anymore. Surely, I can find something else to occupy my time besides cleaning!

After he awoke, I got his scooter tore down and into the car. I got some money, for our supper. Why should I cook, when the fair can cook for me? We were already and headed out the door. We got there and there was one handicapped parking spot remaining, and I even think it had my name on it, lol, so I pulled right in. I got Al’s scooter all put back together, double checked to make sure I had not locked my keys in the trunk this time, and off we went.

I walked and he kept up. We did this real good for about ten minutes, then he went limp on me. No more sitting up straight. I kept reminding him to sit up straight, as he came close a few times to running small kids over. The farther we went, the worse it got. I stopped him a couple of times and foolishly explained why he had to sit as straight as he could, knowing inside, it was not his fault, it was the Parkinson’s. Ohhhh, I just want to scream my lungs out at this nasty old Parkinson’s. I think I hate it more than my worst enemy, wait this has become my worst enemy!

I knew he understood why he had to sit up, but let’s face it, if he could, he would. I asked him if he wanted to go home, and he said no. I asked him if he wanted to stop and eat, so he could rest off of the scooter and he  nodded yes. We went to one of the small community food booths that had chairs and benches. Al was able to pull right up to a bench and take three steps from the scooter to a sitting down position.

We were there for about an hour, because being the first day of business, these small places had not organized a pattern yet, so service was very slow. I ran into some old class mates and we mingled for a while, and then finally the food was served.

Do you remember what it was like when your children were small and they started feeding themselves? Remember their messy little faces and fingers? Well, this was Al. He had ordered cheese fries and a cheeseburger, and all the cheese was all over his mouth, chin and fingers. I had no wash cloth with me, but will now put this on my mental list of things I must carry when we are out in public. I got several napkins and cleaned him up after he ate. I think he did enjoy his meal, because not even a mouse, could find a left-over crumb!

So after our tummies were full, we started again around the circle that creates the fair. Since it was free day, we could observe the rides being put together, and I tried playing a game with Al, on what ride might be being put together, but he couldn’t tell, as his face was almost on the handle bars of the scooter. We once again replayed the sit up please game all the way around. By then, he was weak, too weak.

It is hard to judge what Al can handle. At home he sits all the time except meal time, or else he is lying on the living room couch or his bed, so when I see no tears, or hear no bad words, I figure he is having a good day. When I take him out, he has to use his power to make the scooter go, and his mind to direct the scooter. It takes no time at all for Al to be completely drained of energy. I hate not being able to take him anywhere, but I hate it when anything we do wears him out.

I asked him when we had made the second round, if he was ready to go. By then he was all tears as he had run out of strength. He shook his head no. I thought to myself, we can not make it around another time and he doesn’t want to go, so let’s go sit with the seniors who come to the fair to people watch.

On our way to the seating arena, I spot a dairy barn that serves ice-cream. It is Al’s favorite food anymore and so I ask him if he wants a shake. I know he just ate, and he is a diabetic, but with tears and weakness, I say the hell with the diabetes, for one night, and we get him a shake and me a cone.

We go to the sitting area and sit down. Al is trying to get the strength to get the ice-cream in his spoon, and I am debating internally whether to ask him if he wants my help, when up behind Al walks his old boss from his work.

Al had worked for a wonderful christian company for nine years and had the same boss, Scott. When Al saw Scott, he lost control of everything. I had never ever seen tears like this from Al before. Tremors were quadrupled and he could not sit still. I even observed one small spot on his shorts where I believe urine slipped out.

Scott was in awe. I had taken Al there to visit his old work place the first week we came back from Florida. Scott had noticed how big of changes were occurring in Al’s life. Al could no longer even attempt to feed himself, so Scott took the shake from him and fed it to him, while Al cried. Scott kept trying different methods to get Al to calm down, and be able to talk, but nothing worked. After the shake was over, Scott said a prayer there with me for Al. He bade us good night and went on his way, only to come back a minute later and get my phone number, which he entered it in to his cell, so he said he would not lose it.

It was time to go, and getting Al back to the car was a chore in itself, but with God‘s help, we made it. I tore it all apart and got it in the trunk, Al in the car, and we left.

I found out on the way home, that this was another of Al’s goals to do before he passes away, was to see his boss.

I explained to Al that he is dreaming a lot, and I think in his dreams he is having conversations with God and mom, and that although he is ready to die, God may not want him to come home just yet.

Al tells me, he if God loves him, he will take him home.

A Peek Inside

I have been blogging now almost three months, and I often wonder what name hides behind the WordPress names that I respond to. I have wondered what you look like and do not always know what area you are from. I have decided to share with you a little about myself through pictures I have taken through the years. The top photo is of me, and the one beneath is my brother. This is my eldest child, a daughter, with her husband, and one of their daughters standing with them,at the bottom of the page. This little girl,third photo down, is another one of my granddaughters. The little boy on the bike is also a grandson to me. The sixth photo down is the mother of the little boy on the bike. She is the one in the bottom left hand corner. They are a part of my youngest son’s family.The photo under these words with a  young man holding the little girl and the boy sitting beside him is my youngest son and his two children, more of my grandchildren. The young man sitting alone, is my middle son. Now I have shown you my three children. Mom, me and son together, next to the bottom. Son-in-law and his son, my grandson together,third from the bottom. My daughter and her daughter, my oldest grandchild,eighth from top. My entire family minus the middle son, one granddaughter and one more grandson. I love them all, and wish they were all living near me. Things that I enjoy doing are taking photographs. Here is one I took of tree leaf reflections. Here are two I took of the skies after the storm. I also love antiques and blogging. Well here is my sweet family, and some photos of nature. I have lived in Indiana all of my life except a short time when I lived in Florida. There is nothing more important to me than living for God and my family.  Thank-you for stopping by and getting a better peek of who I am.