Oh where are you
My precious love
That I may draw
Strength from
Your heart
That I might
Feel your power
And tuck me safely
Under your arm
And shelter me
From the evil
In the world
Where are you
My precious love
Can’t you see
It in my eyes
Can’t you hear
My heart beating
Here, look in
My direction
For I am
Waiting for you
Terry Shepherd
05/18/2013
A heart being used as a symbol of love.
I’m tired
For the first
Time I want to
Give up to give in
To fight no more
I feel powerless
I feel like God
Isn’t listening
Nor does he
Care anymore
I don’t hear or
Feel any presence
Is this what is to
Happen, you want my soul?
The system is
Against a peon
Like me who
Only has emotions
And words but no
Way around it
I am tired
And I feel
Like I am drowning
Do what you want
With me for I
Am too fired to fight
I am a snail
Crawling around
On the rocks
Waiting for the
Sea to suck me in
Terry Shepherd
05/18/2013
I thought that when I left Al yesterday, he was in better spirits from our talk. Evidently not, as the facility just called to tell me they had an issue with him. He is thinking about ending it all. They said he has no plan, which makes them feel better. It is an unofficial watch for him as if they state in the files what he is thinking he would have to be sent to a psyche ward. Neither them or me wants him to have to go there. It would destroy him.
So I am pleading and begging for prayers. I called the man in charge of his waiver and said that Al is very sad and that he is afraid he is going to die there instead of here at home. He said he will try to rush it on his end but that once it was at the State again, it was out of his control.
I know that Al told me last week that he saw someone sitting in his recliner during the night. He said that God told him it was now time to go to heaven to see Mom.
I am not going to argue Al’s words because who am I to judge?
Please pray that this goes quickly to get him home and that all the angels surround Al while he is still there.
I brought in
Your favorite meal
In hopes that it would
Make telling you easier
For me. I smiled
When I saw you
But you never
Smiled back
As the pain was
Overpowering your
Will to live
I choked and
I swallowed hard
And after we ate
I told you the
News that it was
Going to be yet
Another month.
Your shoulders dropped
And your tears did fall
My own heart
Fell and shattered
On the floor
I held your hand
And professed
That I care
That the day
The second that
I could take your arms
And help you into
The car I would do
It. We both shed tears
Although I promised
I would not but when
Yours fell so did mine
Baby brother I promise
You it hurt me more
To tell you of this delay
You wanted me to stay
But your spirits had dropped
I sat you in your chair
And watched you drift
Off to sleep then
I tiptoed out
Whispering
I love you Bud
I truly do.
Terry Shepherd
05/16/2013
Oh, alas I cry out to you
Oh my God how
Awesome are you
That you have listened
That you have responded
To my many prayer
Request. I get down
On bended knee
And thank-you
My awesome God
For never leaving me
Nor straying from me
In a wilderness so bleak
And naked with no clothing
To cover my bared soul
For thou has promised
Over and over
That you love me.
Oh my awesome God
How can I ever thank-you
For no words do I have
To show my humbleness
And my deep feelings
For you my Lord.
Thank-you from
The deepest of my heart.
Terry Shepherd
05/15/2013
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/, DP, Daily Prompt
We each have many types of love relationships — parents,
children, spouses, friends. And they’re not always with people; you may
love an animal, or a place. Is there a single idea or definition that
runs through all the varieties of “love”?
Love is a feeling
A flutter
A pitter patter
That you feel
Deep inside
Your heart
And soul
Love makes
You smile
Your tears fall
Your heart melts
Love means
Never wanting
To part, be
Separated
From the idea
Of what draws
You close to
The name
When you hear it
Or touch it
When you wrap
Your arms around it
This is love
That you never
Want to disappear
Terry Shepherd
05/11/2013
I have been stressed out today. I know, I shouldn’t be this way, but it was just one of those nasty days from outer space. The bad thing is nothing is so major that I am going to have death knocking at my door.
It is all the little pieces of strings that attach themselves to me as I walk upon this land. To start off I checked the mail on the way to go see Al. There it was, that bill that the collection agency called me about. Oh no, it is for real.
There was nothing I could do at that moment. I was on the road. Going in to see Al was a disaster in itself. Al was crying and seemed so depressed when I got there. I wanted to turn around and run but thought to myself,coward.
While eating he was leaning forward so far that food kept falling back out of his mouth. He could barely hold his head upright to eat. Then he would get teary-eyed again because he was frustrated. Then his silverware started playing songs on his plate as his tremors decided to have a party during meal time. That made him cry more.
There was a part of me that wanted to leave, because I get so sucked up in his emotions. Another part of me wanted to pick him up and rock him, and the other part of me tried to be the big sister and calm things over.
Finally the truth surfaced. Sunday is Mother’s Day and the 13th, just a few days later is Mom’s birthday. Al loved Mom so much. He has always struggled with her death. I asked him if he would like me to pick him up and the two of us could go place flowers on Mom’s grave. That didn’t go over at all. Then he wailed. Tears and anything liquid that could run did. It took two nurses and me to calm him down.
I wanted to kick myself in the rear. Why did I ask him that? Darn Terry. The truth was I thought it may help him feel closer to her but that idea backfired. I stayed a couple of hours and then I told him I loved him, and would bring him back lunch, snacks and soda when I returned on Sunday.
I went to meet a lady who sold me six nice starter plants of mint and orange mint. They looked really healthy. Next I paid a visit to the collection agency with bill in hand. I was just sure that the medical billing company had not sent his bill to the proper insurance company.
But that wasn’t the case at all. In fact it was worse. This bill was from 12/2011. I had just been working these past two weeks on Al’s inventory and I knew without a doubt there was no bill I paid for over one thousand dollars.
I asked the lady to get a hold of the company and she said she would get an itemized bill for me. I had also tried calling this company twice while visiting Al but only got those stupid leave a message recordings, and of course they never called me back.
The bad thing about it all now is the time limit is past. According to her you only have one year to declare any changes to address, insurance etc. So by now being almost a year and a half later, no one, not even the government, she said, will go back and pay.
I was sick at heart. Here I am trying to find a way to pay this huge bill the nursing home wants. By the way, I don’t know if any of you keep tabs on the web page link for Al’s fundraiser, but we now have a total of $335.00. Many of you have helped and I so appreciate it. I have emailed and or made comments on the comment page about my deepest thanks. Here is the link if anyone would still care to help him. I think I am down to 52 days left. The link is
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964
So now I have this big debt and a bill for over a thousand dollars and no one will go back and pick it up. I was sad and frustrated and mad all at the same time. I asked her when she received the bill for collection and she stated a week a go.
I pinpointed that this was way past the year dead line and why did the company wait so long? Why did they never send me a bill? She said to go home and wait for the new statement to arrive which would be a week.
I came home and went through the file for that month. I saw where Al had been in the hospital. It showed the correct address and it showed where I had paid them. But guess what, no where in that month or following clear up to this day today was there one single bill from this company. Now I was turning in to Al. I once again cried. Now it is up to almost eight thousand minus the help you all have given for the two bills.
I went outside and tried to erase my mind and planted all of the mint. After that I didn’t feel like cooking so I went to a nearby restaurant and picked up some supper and I can’t believe I did this, I just can’t believe it. I went through the drive-thru and when I went to the window to pay and pick up the food the gal was complaining of having a bad day.
So what did I do? Yep, you guessed it. I rattled on about the bad two days I have been going through and then I just let loose. I started bawling like a big old baby. I bet that gal thought I had a screw loose. I don’t know if she looked a way or at me but I felt an arm on my arm and it brought me a sense of comfort. A human touch is something I miss very much. I could see that while she was on the other side of the window she was showing me compassion. It helped and then I felt embarrassed because I showed weakness. I thanked her and told myself, don’t come back here until you know they have forgotten your face.
When I came home I found out that the Case Worker has Al’s budget. He and I and the Day Program will all be meeting next Thursday. They will now listen to my request for needs for him and they will discuss the cost to have Al at Day Program. This will all be divided up in his budget and then after this is decided, it will be sent back to the State. He said he hopes to have Al back in his home by June 1. I was excited and called Al and let him know but he was so sunk in Parkinson’s and Mom that he just cried again wanting to come home tonight.
So we had some good news in the middle of the storm, and now I have to hurry and make sure our house is as clean and open for wheelchair before next Thursday’s inspection. Then I have to figure out how in the world to pay these two debts off. It still makes me angry that the medical place waited until after the deadline to file it with a collection agency. It makes me angry that they never sent one single bill. Unless someone knows of a way around this, I figure Al will be deceased before these two debts are paid off. Or he will pay them until his passing and then they will disappear??? I don’t know.
I have sat down here two days in a row to write and can not. I am brain-dead I think, too much drama going on.
Al is having worse tremors than before. If he isn’t asleep the tremors are at full force. He wants to come home, and I can’t make it happen any quicker. Each day I wait for that phone to ring for the appointment to be made. This is the last appointment before he comes home and the phone remains silent.
I had a phone call last evening after business hours. It was from some collection agency wanting to speak to my brother. I explained that I was his guardian and he couldn’t speak for himself.
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964
They said they wouldn’t talk without the legal papers showing who I was. I said I would fax them, but then she told me it would go to another office and would be looked at this morning. I explained to her about the Hipaa laws and that I didn’t want just any eyes seeing private things.
She told me to fax it anyways but I refused. This morning I called this business and they had me on hold for quite some time. When they finally came to the phone they didn’t show any collections for him. They told me to call the hospital and doctor’s office.
I did this and still nothing. I know when I got off the phone last night it only took that one phone call to stress me to the max. I couldn’t do anything until this morning. I started fretting about what could be wrong. I always pay his bills, so what was up?
As I became more agitated I sat here at the computer and cried for no reason. I asked God, God can I put this in the worry basket of yours? I just can’t deal with anymore. I am tired Lord, oh so tired.
I don’t know if God took care of this or if this was a spam call, but there is no evidence of owed bills today.
I rearranged my living room and moved furniture into funny areas to make our home as open and wide as possible for Al’s wheelchair. My family is having issues that I can only be a good listener and a devoted Mom but I can’t fix anything.
I am just overwhelmed I think. The straw that broke the camel’s back was I do not usually go out after supper unless it is about Al or I am a tag-along with my son. I made special arrangements to deliver one of the pieces I sold from my antique site and the person was a no-show.
The gas was wasted and so was my mind and time. I came home and wrote an amendment that from now on they have to pick-up. If they don’t want to show or have the guts to say they changed their mind, at least it isn’t my gas and time being wasted.
Wow, I sound like a harsh mean old woman. I am not really. I just get sick of crap, as Al would say. He says I am so sick of this crap. Parkinson’s doesn’t care if it ruins me. It doesn’t care if I spill my food all over me and the floor. Darn old Parkinson‘s.
I have to agree with you Buddy, some days life sucks.
One of these days
I’m gonna reach
The top of
That mountain
Over there, do you
See it, the one there
With all the ridges
Where my trials
Have been heavy
And rocky at times
But there are some
Smooth grassy spots
Yeah, right where
You’re pointing
Those are the
Marks of where
Jesus took my
Hand and guided
Me through the
Wild brush
You see, no matter
How tough life is
Or how sick we feel
We are never really
Alone although we
Feel like we are
Just whisper the
Sweet words of Jesus
And he will guide
You each step
Of each day
Terry Shepherd
05/07/2013
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964
Military-hospital
With his cane in one hand and a leash in the other he walked the shore line. Each step he took, his shadow followed, helping pave the way. Each morning Dan and his dog, Colonel walked the sandy beaches.
Dan would find his favorite spot and stand gazing out over the ocean. Memories finding their way back to the surface. Where once upon a time he was a prisoner behind walls of a military hospital. His mind was locked and nothing would come to him when he lie back on his pillow. Staring into blackness not even wondering who he was or what he was doing there.
At one time shot in the back of the head by the enemy forcing him into a deep coma for many months. Being fed by tubes and checked on hourly, he never moved nor blinked. Hidden within his own walls of protection he lay waiting for a kiss from the frog.
Visitors came and went. Doctors and nurses changing shifts, but he didn’t notice. There was no hope left to cling to. He would lie there until death came and knocked at his door wanting to take him home.
Then one day a fellow service man stopped by his bed. Deep in the shadows of his brain something triggered. A familiar voice from a friend gone by. Electricity began to spark within the cranial. Small lightening connecting tissue to nerve brought forth a new life.
Then his lungs took on a new look as breathing became deeper. Fingers gently moved and soon the footing of the bed stirred. Eyes opened and he looked into his buddy that he had served with during war.
A loving touch placed on his arm and a finger felt on his face as tears were being wiped a way. Arms outstretched grabbing hold of a cotton gown bringing warmth of another human life.
Doctor and nurse standing in back ground muttering, it’s a miracle, just plain nothing but a miracle.
The friend left so Dan could rest. He assured him he would be back the following day. Dan was once again tested and no miracles could be seen to the visible eye. But yet each hour Dan stayed awake more and more.
Soon he was taken off of the tubes and was fed soft diets. Each day his buddy would come and visit. He would sit with him and help him with his therapy so that one day he was able to stand on his own two feet with the help of only a cane.
Talk between the two was of the past war. Bits and pieces of what Dan heard began to click. A story of pride and love and strength formed in his head. God had done a miraculous job of hiding or destroying all the terrible things Dan had seen.
His friend lived on an ocean front and his wife had passed away suddenly. He was all alone and needed a friend. Dan needed a place to go and the invitation to come live with his comrade didn’t need second thinking.
The day came and Dan was introduced to the ocean. A new friend was introduced, whose name was Colonel. Each day grew a deeper bond between war buddies and man’s best friend. Each week brought renewed strength. Until a new habit was formed. You could always count on Dan and Colonel being seen together looking out over the ocean’s view.
