Faith

Usually I go to sleep with my television on, but last night I never flipped the remote to on. I also read the local newspaper, but instead, I lay my head down and I feel the panic attack trying to come over  me. I used to suffer from panic attacks on a regular basis, sometimes having two or three in one day. With much will power and the help of a christian therapist, I now only have the beginnings of one in a tired and stressed out body. I lay there feeling my tense body, and I was tired of fighting from the whole day’s roller coaster ride. As tears were still falling, I prayed. I don’t even remember this morning what I said to God, but he heard and answered. I slept. I must have slept very well. When I awoke this morning, I noticed the covers had been barely messed with and I had not gotten up once through the night to use the restroom. I awoke, wide-eyed, and ready to face this new day. I took a shower and got dressed. I poured myself a coffee, and am sitting here in the stillness of the morning. Not even the leaves are rustling on the trees. No one seems to be up around the neighborhood. It is as if God has commanded all to be still, giving me a surrounding peace outside and in. I ponder on what today will bring. I pray for peace once again for Al. It seems that the peace he received last week has now vanished, and the dementia is once again sitting in familiar territory. Today I am going to go to the store one last time to pick up some items that I had forgotten. Even with my list, my brain had not  commanded all written  things down. I will have to take Al, so I hope this is going to be a smooth trip for the two of us. He is still sleeping, and I will most likely have one more half hour to my thoughts before he rises. It is very hard to deal with a person who you know is your family. I have his birth certificate here to prove such. When the dementia is here, I do not know who he is. Science is able to now grow new body parts from cells. I wonder why they can not grow new cells for the brain. Replacing dopamine that are dead, with new fresh ones forcing a new community of lively cells. I don’t dwell on this. What good does it do. God has allowed this to continue in Al’s life for reasons only he, himself knows. If I could close my eyes, and take myself out of the real world for a moment, I would  picture a cartoon, with the mob king and me. I would be holding my gun at the king and forcing him for answers, threatening his life if he didn’t fix it. I would become the master. He would break down and cry to me to please not kill him, as he has a wife and kids at home to support. He would call his followers and in no time at all, my world would be perfect once again.  I know this is an unreal dream. We have a God who can cause miracles to happen just like this. With no guns to use as power, but just two words would be all that would be heard. BE HEALED. This is where my faith comes in. I must have faith that God knows what he is doing. I must have faith that he loves me. He wants Al and me to have a wonderful, fulfilling life. A life filled with love for each other, a compassion from within us for others. God wants us to have his blessings. I can see on the news and even in my own neighborhood, illness is not just within the walls of this house, but everywhere, afflicting all types of people. The only difference between some and me, is nothing. People everywhere are praying. Praying for their loved ones, praying for a job,  praying to put food on their tables. Praying to fix their marriage or kids. When I think on this, I realize I am not alone in this world. Our problems are no different from others. We all want to be happy and have peace within us. Faith. It is a small word, with great power connected to it. I have to cling to my faith, what other choice do I have? I do not want to cry again today. I want to stand tall with my head held high. I want to have pride on who I am and on the goals I am working on. So, for today, faith will not leave me. It will be my shadow, never leaving my side.