Tag Archives: Health

Can Hear Me in Other Countries?

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English: Frosted cupcakes from Mon Petit Cupca...

I am screaming. Can you hear me?

I went to see Al today over the lunch hour. I had a whole set of different plans than what others had for me. I went in and had my head held high ready to do battle if anyone stepped on my toes.

I ask the nurse to have someone get Al ready, including shoes and socks and she just stared at me. She immediately got on the phone and called that psyche doctor and then handed me the phone.

“Hello, Terry?”

“Yes, this is she.”

“I’m afraid that you can not take him out of the facility.”

“Why? I am his sister and guardian. I want to take him out to eat and to an outing.”

“I’m sorry, I am in charge now over him since he is trying to kill himself.”

“Excuse me? You are not in charge. I don’t even know you. You are not one of Al’s doctors. I am his sister and his guardian.” and after a deep breath;

“I read the doctor’s report. There is no suicide threat. The doctor saw nothing. In fact the doctor has stated on the discharge papers that this is due to Dementia, PDD.”

“You can not take him out until after I have assessed him tomorrow morning.”

I smiled the whole way through the conversation. I was so darn nice I was making my own self sick. I wasn’t going to get Al in any other trouble because of me. I thanked her for her time and reminded her I will be there in the morning.

I went to see Al and had to tell him that we could not go out. Immediately the tremors tripled. He and I had planned all week to go to the local car show where there was going to be a 1921 fire truck and Al’s favorites, vintage cars.

I was seething inside but dared not show Al my anger. I decided to eat lunch with Al. I wept inside as I saw him trying so hard to use plastic silverware. There was no weight to them and he could barely keep his tremors under control to get food on the cheap plastic. Yes, they took a way his only way of eating weighted silver ware because he might hurt staff with them or himself. To this moment he still has no water in his room. No water except for meals and the way he sweats, oh my gosh. Three days of this crap.

I knew at that moment I was at the boiling point and I could not stay there. I would end up yelling at everyone there and maybe doing some threatening myself. I worked hard to be bubbly during our lunch, but Al didn’t really notice me too much. He was trying to get the food in his mouth.

In the corner of Al’s mouth I noticed a big crud of food and drool. He had not been shaved today. I have tried to convince Al to let me shave the mustache off because of drooling and the food attaches to the hairs but he wants to keep it. If it is cleaned after every meal I can keep it looking alright.  He must have read my mind because he said, no one shaved him. I told him that I had bought him a brand new electric shaver yesterday. The nurse was going to charge it for this morning.

He also stated that since Friday he has only brushed his teeth once.

I thought I was going to blow my top. Then Al said he would like to have his Bible. As soon as his nurse walked by us in the dining room, I stopped her. I asked her for Al’s Bible, and for his tooth-brush and razor.

She tells me,”Um no he can’t have his Bible.”

I looked at her with snake eyes and said,”If you  refuse him his Bible you are going to wish that you had never said no. I want him shaved and his teeth brushed. Even prisoners are allowed to brush their teeth and shave and they are entitled to a Bible.”

I thought she was going to collapse right there on the floor. Her eyes got so big they were bigger than full moons. After lunch I pushed him back to his room. He was a sweaty mess. I knew that I needed to get out of that place but I wanted to make sure Al got what needed to be done for him.

Two aides finally showed up and they said,”The nurse said there is a Bible in the dresser drawer.”

“Is it his?”

“No, it belongs to the facility.”

“Wow, Al has been here six months and none of you still know that Al can’t see clearly. He has a large print edition in his room and I want it brought here right this minute.”

They laid down his toothbrush and toothpaste and took off. They didn’t come back for sometime, so I ventured out in the hall to see what was going on. Soon here comes those two aides with the nurse. I was ready with armor on to do battle when they said something I wasn’t prepared for.

“Um, did you say you brought Al in a new razor yesterday?

“Yes, I did. I handed it to the nurse on seconds, Rachel is her name. She said she would charge it and have it ready this morning for him.”

“Well we searched his room and we didn’t see any razor.”

“Well I guess you better start looking in other places then.”

She finally found it locked up in the nurse cart. It hadn’t been opened so it wasn’t charged. I blew out a big breath from my lungs and the one aide said she would plug it in and shave Al.

I also stated, “He is a sweaty mess. I took his shirt off and sweat is pouring down his back. The pants that he has on are inappropriate because they are sweats and it is 80 degrees outside. He has several pairs  of shorts to wear. I also noticed that he has big sores in between his legs from not being washed each day. I tackled these last summer and so I know what he is in for with infections unless he is washed up every single day during the summer.”

I walked with the two aides down to Al’s room and made sure they didn’t leave. I hugged Al good-bye and said I would see him later. He cried. I know he didn’t want me to leave, but it was for his best interest that I did.

It just so happened that today the facility had traded a picnic for some work done by a local church. The facility had grilled hamburgers and hotdogs. There were pasta salads and chips. For dessert there were cute cupcakes with white swirled frosting on top with a cherry.

When the servers got to our table I requested that instead of the normal pudding they give Al that he have one of those adorable cupcakes. I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants when she told me,” The hamburgers and hotdogs and cupcakes are for the church. Residents don’t get any of that.”

Al pays $7,000 a month to stay there. He is kept in an empty room at the end of the hall. He has a tinker bell that he rings if he needs to get up or use the potty. He can’t have his silverware so he can eat. He can’t have his own Bible, and now he can’t have one stinking cupcake.

Because of the church being there, I had parked outside right in front of his room window.  I was so glad that I had a front row seat. I got in my car and started it. I rolled down the windows and looked up. There were the two girls who were taking care of Al.

Now take in mind it takes less than four minutes to get from his new room to my car. In four minutes they had shaved him and washed him up, changed his clothes, helped him brush his teeth.

Bull shit!!!! I watched them. They finished shaving him but didn’t let the razor charge. They took it out of his room. They did not wash him up. He was trying to brush his own teeth with no help. No wonder he has caked on food all around the edges of his teeth. Then they wheeled him out of the bathroom and put him back on his bed with no clean shirt and no washed up skin, with the sores in between his legs unattended to. There was no wash rag or towel that entered that room or exited that room. I was so  darn close to the window I could see it all very  clear.

I left and stopped at the grocery store. I wanted to get groceries but I couldn’t keep the tears out of my eyes. My mind was racing on the abuse I knew was happening to my brother I love.

I am a dangerous person right at this moment. I could mouth off throwing darts so bad at this moment. This is why I have to stay here. I am debating whether to go back at dinner hour. I probably can get myself together for another picture show by the time three more hours pass.

I know Al is trying so hard but he said he feels so alone and no one wants to be around him. I tried to picture what I would be like locked in a room for three days with no human contact. Not being allowed out except for meals, and this is what is making me think I will be back at supper with another fake smile plastered on my round little face.

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Daily Prompt; Helping Hand

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

Tell us about the most surprising helping hand you’ve ever received.

Photographers, show us HANDS.

As my mind ponders on when I was given a Helping Hand, I look around at people I have known for years. I have a wonderful family, and the small circle of friends I have are the best in the world.

But my own issues and insecurities were so deeply embedded. Some could see them, others I was able to fool for years.

Then I began to take care of my Dad when he became ill with bone cancer. As soon as we buried him Al had a heart attack. The struggles I felt were now suddenly thrown into the back coals, simmering and waiting to show their embers at any time.

I was a bigger mess than I am now. I struggled for years with the feelings of being unloved. I craved it, anyone who would show some interest, I became like a leech. It was pathetic. I was my own worst enemy.

One day sitting here at the computer I broke down. All the ill feelings I had for me came tumbling down around me. Tears shed and washed me but I was not holding that shiny look of re-birth yet.

I begged God to help me. I asked for forgiveness. I pleaded to feel worthy, to change my heart. I prayed this for months, and then God gave me a helping hand.

He showed and guided me through the blogging world. He taught me how to let out my feelings. He let a shining star lead me on the right path. He went to others hearts and asked if they could meet me.

In no time at all, I went to a few friends to hundreds of friends. I am able to most times see others pain and hopefully I have been a blessing in others lives. God knew that with caring for my brother I could not do justice outside of my home. So he used me through the computer.

I never saw this helping hand coming. It was months before I took notice what was happening and the gifts of friendship and many blessings were coming my way.

Today there is guilt mixed in me along with thankfulness. I know I am dead tired emotionally. My fight is not over keeping my brother safe from harm. I have doubted God and have been so angry at him that I refused to say his name.

Last night I cried out to him and this morning thanks to God’s helping hands and my many inspirational friends, I am climbing back out of that pit. I feel my weakness and yet I feel his hands…………..

helpinghand

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If I Don’t Get This Off My Chest, I Will Go Nuts

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Last night I went to bed very early. My mind and my body were beyond exhausted. I feel like I slept decent, but I woke several times. Each time before my brain was in thinking mode, Al and the facility were right there.

I kept thinking back to last night when the  nurse told me a couple of times that every time she walked by Al’s room he would glance up and see her and he would put his call light on. She commented on how it was becoming very irritating to her. She had work to do and all he was doing was asking for negative attention.

Negative attention, I found to be an interesting phrase coming from a nurse in a nursing home. She was too busy for Al, too busy to say hi. What I got from it was that Al was feeling alone and he was seeking out human to human contact. No one that he could connect with in his life goes to see him. His family doesn’t show up. Ten years of the same church, only the minister has been there twice in six months. He has never received mail in the form of cards. It is just him and I.  I understand how he once again feels abandoned and is on that call light.

I do my very best to be there with Al in person as much as I can. I am usually there every day or every other day. The only time I have missed is the three weeks that I fought that bronchitis back in winter. I worried that Al’s tender mind would think I had also abandoned him, so I called him each day.

It seemed that the cordless phone was occupied or they were about to receive a very important call, so many times I had to trust that my messages were relayed.

Don’t we all require and need to have human contact? Isn’t it a true statement that many youth are turning to sex, not for the sex, but for the words spoken and the human touch? Is my brother no different in his own needs? Sometimes special needs people are even more loveable and require more love. Look at the label they have over their head, Special Needs.

This has been one of the biggest humps on the camel’s back that Al is so depressed. Instead of spending more time with him, our world here in the U.S. pops pills into our bodies to replace what should come freely from our hearts.

Al is now on two antidepressants because he is alone too much.

I think of Al on a sister level and sometimes this makes life difficult. There are times I do not understand people’s decisions and the ideas of where they came from. Maybe I am simple-minded. I look at Al as a brother. an abused child, and a guy who was shunned by his Dad.

Now he sits in a lonely room with a TV and a roommate that doesn’t speak. The staff ignore him because they are too busy. He is lonely and crying out. He got so offended when the Social Service lady told him I had to bring home his coca cola can filled with eyeglass screwdrivers because she was afraid he would hurt her with them.

He has never forgotten this and with the disappointment of not coming home when he thought, his brain went into automatic mode and began to blame himself for not coming home. He wondered what he had done wrong to cause this. He told me he must have screwed up again. Thus the topic of the screwdrivers became utmost in his mind and he spoke of it constantly the past 24 hours.

It isn’t that he wants to hurt someone. He is referring to the screwdrivers as the wedge that comes between people and him. No one can speak to him because he is bad. They took him out of his room because he was voicing in a mentally challenged way about the screwdriver.

This was an automatic trigger for the facility that Al wanted to harm himself or others. I heard a couple of nurses state that Al said he wanted to harm a staff. I questioned Al thoroughly about this and he did nothing but cry and say he never said that.

I have no proof. I have not heard any of these words come from his mouth. Even when I was laying the law down with Al yesterday about the way he speaks to others, not once did he admit he said those words.

I don’t know who to believe but I can see the tornado spinning and I am the eye in the middle.

If this psyche doctor who is to come in on Monday morning to assess Al decides to go over my head and place Al in a mental institution, I will scream at the top of my lungs. I will throw the biggest, adult temper tantrum  anyone ever witnessed.  I will call every TV station. I will talk to anyone who will listen. I will bring down this place with the truth about how some nursing homes can be. I will place Al in his wheelchair and I will bring him home while they stand there wondering what it is I am doing.

I know that Al speaks of death a lot. He is in pain and he wants it to end. He wets himself and he is highly embarrassed. He spills food constantly and gets highly frustrated from his tremors.  He knows that things he used to do are no longer able to be carried out.

He really doesn’t want to die, he wants an escape. He tells me God isn’t listening so he goes to the next best thing, death.  With Al’s simple thinking he believes that if he ask God to take him home, God will do it because God loves him. Death makes pain go a way. He is more simple-minded than me and it is very easy to figure out.

Sometimes I can see the abuse that I suffered as a toddler come out like Al’s does. I want to be acknowledged also. I want to hear from people here at WP. I want to read the comments and see the number of Likes clicked. Aren’t I craving the same thing as he is? But with my brain working differently than Al’s I go about my life in a different way. I think abuse, any kind of abuse, is never totally forgotten in our heads. It can pop up in weird ways, but only seeing the complete picture does anyone figure out what is going on.

But would he go as far as to harm himself? That I am not sure of. I would like to think absolutely not, but I can not guarantee it. I do know that since he has been in this facility he has sunk to an all time low. They loved him at first. When his money was gone they told me he didn’t fit in. He has been filled with more pain and pills than ever. He is miserable and now it has gone so far as staff say he is dangerous.

They have placed him at the dark end of a hall with no bed alarm and no call light. He has a little bell that he is to use if he needs help. He was given nothing to drink except for mealtime until I bitched and threw a fit. Then they took him a four-ounce plastic cup of water. I was with him yesterday when he had to go pee. He kept clicking the little bell for what seemed quite a few minutes. Finally I hunted someone down and was told that I had to wait. They said there were only two aides for fifty people. What was I to say to Al? Go ahead and pee in your pants. I know how this makes you so happy. But instead I could say nothing but lie and tell him they were on their way.

I don’t have the answers but yet some things are very clear.

Al is in  pain 24/7 and he is tired of it.

The facility does not have time for patients that want to do more than sleep in their wheelchairs all day.

A mentally impaired brother has now been turned into a wicked leper.

The facility has not wanted him there ever since they took all of his money.

I will fight my very best for his human rights and for his dignity.

If I lose, the only thing I have to worry about is myself, because I will not want to go on knowing he is locked behind some padded walls with drool hanging out his mouth and he doesn’t recognize me. I would rather be dead than to see this.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

Dear God, I know I was very angry with you last night. Please forgive me. I come to you on bended knees and ask for your help. Please give me the strength to keep fighting. Please hide Al under your wings and keep him safe from the evils of the world. Please let my mouth speak the correct words as I speak to the facility, that need to be understood. Please Angels, stay close to my brother. Let him feel God’s love and arms around him. I say this through broken tears dear God, as I have nowhere to turn but to you. Amencandle-animated.gif.

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Where Are You My Precious Love

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Oh where are you

My precious love

That I may draw

Strength from

Your heart

That I might

Feel your power

And tuck me safely

Under your arm

And shelter me

From the evil

In the world

Where are you

My precious love

Can’t you see

It in my eyes

Can’t you hear

My heart beating

Here, look in

My direction

For I am

Waiting for you

Terry Shepherd

05/18/2013

A heart being used as a symbol of love. Photo ...

A heart being used as a symbol of love.

The Secret’s Out

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I brought in

Your favorite meal

In hopes that it would

Make telling you easier

For me. I smiled

When I saw you

But you never

Smiled back

As the pain was

Overpowering your

Will to live

I choked and

I swallowed hard

And after we ate

I told you the

News that it was

Going to be yet

Another month.

Your shoulders dropped

And your tears did fall

My own heart

Fell and shattered

On the floor

I held your hand

And professed

That I care

That the day

The second that

I could take your arms

And help you into

The car I would do

It. We both shed tears

Although I promised

I would not but when

Yours fell so did mine

Baby brother I promise

You it hurt me more

To tell you of this delay

You wanted me to stay

But your spirits had dropped

I sat you in your chair

And watched you drift

Off to sleep then

I tiptoed out

Whispering

I love you Bud

I truly do.

Terry Shepherd

05/16/2013Blue_candleanimated-candles1.gifcandle-animated.gif

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Al and Me on Mother’s Day

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By noon this morning I had received two text messages from two of my kids telling me Happy Mother’s Day. On my way to go see Al I stopped at the mail box and got my mail. Inside was a beautiful card from my daughter who lives outside my area. There was a very useful gift card inside. I had never received a gift card and felt a little embarrassed when I had to ask my daughter what to do with it.

She called me this afternoon and wished me a Happy day also. Then tonight I heard the door bell ring and there stood my one son’s better half and their two kids. They brought me a card and a pretty necklace.

I felt pretty darn special, let me tell you. It was real nice to have one day off from the bad crap I have been dealt with this week.

When I saw Al today it was a complete turn around. No, he still has Parkinson’s, but his attitude and personality was wonderful. The new anti-depressant patch had obviously worked. He cut up with jokes with all the staff that walked by.

He talked to me about different shows he had watched on TV last night. He even did some embarrassing things at the dinner table like farting. Each time he did it he just giggled. It was making my face turn red but he was really enjoying his musical talent.

The only thing that bothered me besides the toots was his one hand. All five nails were gray and stayed that way the entire time I was with him. Inside where I can’t see the Parkinson’s is doing its thing. I tried for the most part to ignore and not keep glancing at them. His other hand was normal color. I don’t know what that meant, one being gray and alvin graduation picturethe other hand pink nailed.

We had a good time. I took him soda and snacks for the week, and he sent me home with raisins and miniature snicker bars. He couldn’t get them opened by himself and when the aids helped him he couldn’t chew them. His jaw must be weak or his mouth or his chewing is becoming weaker. I know that he still chokes on foods so no more gooey snack foods for him.

So far we have taken out of his foods, any kind of stringy meat like roast. We have taken out jello because the tremors won’t allow him to keep it on the spoon. French fries have to be monitored if he eats those. Milk only once a day because of choking. Cake icing seems to get stuck in his mouth, so I monitor this. He can’t have any kind of white meat chicken, and all meats have to be ground. Most meats even ground are starting to make him choke. We are training him to take a drink after each bite of meat.

I stayed with him until he fell asleep in his recliner. About an hour ago I got a call from the facility. He fell again. No one was in his room, and according to the nurse, he must have reached behind him and unhooked the bed alarm and stood up to go to the bathroom. He walked three steps and fell hitting his back on the corner of the bed. She stated there are no bruises and no scrapes.

I was calm, and I do know that I have seen Al stand up and head for the bathroom and I will instantly ask him what he is doing. He says going to the bathroom. I ask him if he is supposed to be walking and then he says he forgot and sits back down. I always sigh a deep relief because when he stands it is only seconds and he is down. I think it is his Parkinson’s/Dementia causing him to think he can walk.

I hope he will be alright. My internal alarms are on alert basis now. Not only from the fall but it seems about every two weeks we head to the ER from more of those internal tremors in his heart and chest, and it has been two weeks. I am keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

War Brings a Miracle

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Military-hospital

Military-hospital

With his cane in one hand and a leash in the other he walked the shore line. Each step he took, his shadow followed, helping pave the way. Each morning Dan and his dog, Colonel walked the sandy beaches.

Dan would find his favorite spot and stand gazing out over the ocean. Memories finding their way back to the surface. Where once upon a time he was a prisoner behind walls of a military hospital. His mind was locked and nothing would come to him when he lie back on his pillow. Staring into blackness  not even wondering who he was or what he was doing there.

At one time shot in the back of the head by the enemy forcing him into a deep coma for many months. Being fed by tubes and checked on hourly, he never moved nor blinked. Hidden within his own walls of protection he lay waiting for a kiss from the frog.

Visitors came and went. Doctors and nurses changing shifts, but he didn’t notice. There was no hope left to cling to. He would lie there until death came and knocked at his door wanting to take him home.

Then one day a fellow service man stopped by his bed. Deep in the shadows of his brain something triggered. A familiar voice from a friend gone by. Electricity began to spark within the cranial. Small lightening connecting tissue to nerve brought forth a new life.

Then his lungs took on a new look as breathing became deeper. Fingers gently moved and soon the footing of the bed stirred. Eyes opened and he looked into his buddy that he had served with during war.

A loving touch placed on his arm and a finger felt on his face as tears were being wiped a way. Arms outstretched grabbing hold of a cotton gown bringing warmth of another human life.

Doctor and nurse standing in back ground muttering, it’s a miracle, just plain nothing but a miracle.

The friend left so Dan could rest. He assured him he would be back the following day. Dan was once again tested and no miracles could be seen to the visible eye. But yet each hour Dan stayed awake more and more.

Soon he was taken off of the tubes and was fed soft diets. Each day his buddy would come and visit. He would sit with him and help him with his therapy so that one day he was able to stand on his own two feet with the help of only a cane.

Talk between the two was of the past war. Bits and pieces of what Dan heard began to click. A story of pride and love and strength formed in his head. God had done a miraculous job of hiding or destroying all the terrible things Dan had seen.

His friend lived on an ocean front and his wife had passed away suddenly. He was all alone and needed a friend. Dan needed a place to go and the invitation to come live with his comrade didn’t need second thinking.

The day came and Dan was introduced to the ocean. A new friend was introduced, whose name was Colonel. Each day grew a deeper bond between war buddies and man’s best friend. Each week brought renewed strength. Until a new habit was formed. You could always count on Dan and Colonel being seen together looking out over the ocean’s view.

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No More Joking

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I swear for the last time I am not going to make remarks or joke about things anymore. It always comes back to bite me in the rear.

One time many years ago I prayed for so long to lose weight. I got my prayer answered but it wasn’t God answering. I got deathly ill. I had a rotten gallbladder, gang-green and too many gallstones. I lost a ton of weight, in fact I almost died.

Another thing I joke about is when you see me skinny or looking just right, I will be sick. Now it is my brother who is losing weight. He lost 7 pounds two weeks ago. Last week he gained three pounds back, and this week he has lost 9.2 pounds.

No one seems to know the answer. Not the doctors or the nurses. I am wondering if it is the new internal tremors along with the outer tremors we see.

Is it the journey of Parkinson’s in itself? I am no longer laughing………….alvin and meLonely_candleI am thankful now that Al has some extra baggage on him. It is allowing him more time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

 

 

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Something Happened

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It was 4:45 am and I was sleeping sound. I awoke with my eyes wide open. It was still dark Blue_candleand I was getting ready to turn the light on to see what time it was. When I moved my hand off the extra pillow I felt something.

It didn’t startle me like a crawling bug. It felt like jewelry.

A little over five years ago I wore this gold cross  necklace  during the year that I took care of my Dad. A few months after his burial I retired the necklace and have not looked at it since.

I felt whatever it was and put it in my fingers. Turning the light on I looked at what had been placed on my pillow and there was the cross.

I was not dreaming any of this. I was truly awake as I knew what time it was. I had changed the sheets yesterday. I had also used this extra pillow to  prop my head up to watch TV last night.

I always lay the extra pillow right beside my pillow I actually use for sleeping. So there was no way in this world that the cross necklace could have been there. But yet, there it was. I kept it in my hand and took it with me to use the lady’s room.

I was just trying to figure out what was going on during my sleep when I felt a tug at my heart. It was saying, put it on, just put it on.

So I put it on and then without thinking I looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, I am ready Lord. I am ready for whatever it is that you want me to be ready for.

I went back to bed and sat up for a few minutes. Then I shut the lights off and went back to sleep.I felt really calm and was not even anxious. Sleep came easily.  When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, the necklace was still around my neck.

I thought of my Dad and went back in time. I won’t take this off for a while.

Lord almighty

You have mysterious

Ways that you

Work and I will

Not even pretend

To understand

Your ways.

For whatever

Reason you or

A guardian angel

Placed this object

For me to see

And wear

I know without

A doubt you are

Here with me

Always and

By my side

Through my

Walk on this

Journey called

My life.

Terry Shepherd

05/03/2013

 

Today is Al, my brother’s birthday. Happy Birthday little Brother. I love you so much!

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

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Fly Away

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Mind keeps returning

No matter how hard

I try to go to

Another place

Restless sleep

Tired feelings

Over take my

Body now tired

And worn

Feeling ten

Years older

Than the

Calendar says

Open up the mind

Let the birds fly

Over the ocean

Wave good-bye

As though theyLonely_candleBlue_candleanimated-candles1.gifcandle-animated.gifpath of trees

Will never return

When I turn around

There you are

Once again….

Terry Shepherd

05/01/2013