You know we are in charge a lot of the time in our daily routines. Anything from hopping out of bed and taking a shower or not. Getting dressed right a way or being comfy in our night clothes.
Drinking a cup of hot coffee or tea. Making the decision to eat breakfast now or later. So many decisions we make and a lot of the time we don’t even realize we are making those because they are habits or routine.
But in the last couple of days I feel like there is someone stronger than me. Something near me slightly pushing me out-of-the-way. Al has the full reign of the decisions lately and I just tag behind like a poor puppy that is hiding like he did something wrong.
I feel like thoughts are not of my own. That a greater power is among Al and me. All day Al has not acted himself.
I see things. I hear words come out of his mouth that I never thought he would say.
Today he looks different. His skin has sort of a transparent look to it. His fingers are a musky color and his nail beds are pretty gray.
He has spoken about knowing that our Mom is now waiting on him. He even told the care giver today that he needs to make a will now. Tonight he asked me to get the driver’s license out of his wallet of Mom. I had given it to him last year when he started on this roller coaster of daily pain.
He told me he wanted to hold it close to his heart. After we ate supper and I brushed his teeth, he picked up the license and he is holding it next to his heart. How can I not run from the room in tears? How can I not beg him to stop? How can I not scream at God to put a stop to this?
Those are the moments that all of my senses take leave and my emotions run high. Al cried and I cried with him. He began to talk about who was going to be here at Christmas. I told him and he said that he hoped I had a good time.
I told him he was going to have a good time too. I explained that I had wrapped some gifts for him today and he cried harder letting me know I was wasting my money on him as he would not be here to open them.
He told me that he wanted to buy me a Christmas gift. He said he wanted to buy me something that would always remind me of him. I couldn’t take it, I just couldn’t stand hearing those words.
I know in my heart that he has suffered enough. This MSA is a killer in more ways than one. If anyone has any extra change in their pockets please give it to MSA.org. I don’t want any, not even one living soul to have to go through the pain like Al has.
We are putting a blanket in between his legs because they just won’t stay apart due to contractions. He is no longer sweating. Instead his skin is cold and his fingers like ice. The fans have now been turned off until he needs them once again. There is a sickening silence in his room when you walk in.
Everyone says God will take Al in his perfect timing, but come on, this is my brother I am sitting here listening to him talk like this. It is like he has accepted he is going to die soon and he is making his final arrangements. This is very, very hard for a sister to listen to.
All I want for Christmas is for Al to be at peace. Inside peace, outer peace, you name it. Free of pain, no more tears, no more screams of pain, nothing. Quiet, peace. I don’t want to wait for the perfect timing. I am selfish. I want Al to be pain free now. I don’t want him to have to suffer another restless night, and yet there is a part of me that carries hope that this is a living nightmare, a dream and I will wake up and he and I will go hop in the car and find a flea market.
As I stated earlier, something is going on between the heavens and in this house. I know it. I can feel and sense it. I can do nothing to stop it. It is a power of giving up, a will to stop. A tired soul. A body tired of fighting.
As I sit here my heart is being squeezed like the life is being drained from it. I am not alarmed because I know it is from the hurt that is already starting the process of losing someone.
This is certainly one time I do not wish to be alone. I used to love quietness. I loved the peace of hearing nothing. Now, I want chatter. I want something to stir me up so much inside so I can’t think. I can’t go crazy. I can’t cry. I don’t want to face this any longer. I want it over.
I am a weak person when my brother speaks of leaving. I don’t want to cry right now so I am going to end this with All I Want For Christmas Is Peace For My Brother.