Christmas Gone, New Year Song


Christmas Gone, New Year Song

Christmas is gone

No more songs

No more lights

Oh so bright

No more foods

That were so good

Unwanted pounds

Sneaking all around

Memories dear

I will hold all year.

Now another night

Where some will fight

Others party all night

But I will remain

Sober and sane

I’ll watch the big ball fall

And then I shall shout and call

Happy New Year 2014 to all.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

12.30.2013

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

Here are a few photos of what I see left of Christmas from within my home.

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Christmas, 2013


I didn’t really think that Al would be here today. For Christmas and yesterday he was very quiet, refusing to eat. All signs pointed to he was leaving for heaven.  I was actually counting down the hours mentally. I was emotionally crying.

What held me together was my children. Without realizing, them being here Christmas Day and the day after saved my sanity. He is here today, and has been very chatty. He is confused. I showed him his favorite photos of family members and he didn’t recognize any of them.

He has held his cars today and has not taken a nap all day.

We got some more Christmas Cards and I wanted to thank them for helping Al’s Christmas.

Lezlie S. from Indiana,thank-you for the adorable hand-made card. I love it!

Teresa F. from N.C. thank-you from the two of us.

Julie G. from Australia, thank-you very much. The card is adorable.

Lise and Louis A. from Ontario. Thank-you for the two cards and the nice letter.

Tobi B. from California, bless you for the awesome card.

From Fischer, MN, I want to thank-you for sending Al a card. Unfortunately, there was no card inside. I don’t know what happened to it, but thank-you for thinking of Al.

Here are some photos of grandchildren and my children and family.

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The Best Day Ever


http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

You get to enjoy the best day ever — describe in detail what that means to you. Where are you? What will you do? What’s the weather like? What will you eat? Who will you see?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us INDULGENT.

Let’s forget reality for today. Let’s pretend that every wish I wanted does exist and come true.

Today is Christmas. The lights are twinkling on the seven-foot tree. Christmas music is playing in the background. The scented candles are lit. The scene is lit and I am standing calm in the doorway. I have my velvet red dress on with matching necklace and earrings. My shoes are the matching color of my dress.

I open the front door and welcome with a big smile my family and hug each one as they enter my home.

Everyone comments about the delicious smells that are drifting their way from the kitchen. They each place their wrapped gifts under the tree. There is no worry from me this year that all here will not walk a way without a few gifts and goodies of their own.

Al is in his recliner watching The Christmas Story. I call out to him and he comes out to the kitchen with the biggest smile. He hugs me and thanks me for making this such a wonderful Christmas for him.

Everyone is seated in their marked seats at the big dining room table. Candles glowing bouncing off the crystal glasses. Festive red and green napkins hug the bright red tablecloth.

The conversation is awesome. Everyone is on their best behavior. The food is delicious. The desserts are eaten. Afterwards all jump in to help clear the table and do the dishes as the kiddies are mingling around the Christmas tree with squeals of delight on opening their gifts.

I take lots of photos so that I may share them with my friends here on WP and FB. The day lingers and the memories I am building are that this is the best Christmas ever.

But the bubble is burst and I sit here in the silence on Christmas morning. I haven’t heard any stirring from my brother and I fear just a little to walk in his room. For he has repeatedly told me he will not be here for Christmas.

But hopefully I will walk in and wish him a Merry Christmas. I can hope that he smiles back at me in silence. I will bathe him in bed. Place him in a dry brief, position him on his side and turn the movie on which has to be The Christmas Story.

I will go to the kitchen and find some clear liquids for his breakfast since yesterday he vomited three times. Thick mucus is building up in him and he is choking. Swallowing as of yesterday has become a very difficult thing for him.

I will sit with him and feed him and give him his medicines so his pain is lessened. Afterwards I will swab his mouth and shave his face. I will go to the silent kitchen and begin the preparations for the noon meal. My memories will come alive as I relive past Christmas Days when Mom and Dad were not in heaven.

My son will arrive shortly before noon and they will  play with their children while I cook. Silent tears will fall for what once was. My children in our home. Al not in his bed dying. Laughter and music filling the air.

Dinner is served. Some conversation will be done. Al will be in his room and I will make the best of this situation with God‘s help. Gifts are opened and then they leave for another day of sharing with their extended family.

I look at the mess and I check on Al. I begin clean up duty as it won’t be long until the aunt I haven’t spoken to in six years comes to visit Al at his request. I pray that the visit is nothing less than good.

I ponder on what time my daughter will arrive on Thursday and begin to prepare for the new day.

Merry Christmas Al, Merry Christmas my children where ever you are. I miss you Mom and Dad. I wish things were different.

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Merry Christmas From Me To You


I am sneaking in here on the computer for a few minutes to touch base with you. Al has not changed at all. He is constantly talking but most of the time I can’t understand him. His latest words are 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,dead.

Imagine listening to that all the time. He has asked to be taken to Indianapolis. Of course he is sort of out of it. He has said that his taxes are behind, and they are not. He is so scared of the dark, that he request to have his light left on all night.

He says if he sleeps he will die, so he does everything in his power not to sleep. I was up most of the night last night. It is hard to even sleep through the day because when you do not respond to him he starts yelling.

I don’t want to be this way but the thought of Christmas doesn’t bring a smile to my face. I just want it over. I am looking forward to seeing my kids but that’s it. I want to tear the tree apart. Shove it in a box along with all of the happy, pretty decorations and just call this year a mess and hope for a better year next year.

But to all of you, my wonderful friends, I want to wish you each a Merry Christmas. May your day be filled with joy and love and peace.

Hugs,

Terry

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Christmas Smiles


Christmas, just mouthing the word, hopefully brings a smile to your face.

 

Christmas

Snowy hills

Red cheeks

Runny noses

Lots of shrieks

 

Eating snowflakes

Angels made

Sledding down hill

Ice-skate blades.

 

Warm hot chocolate

Christmas tree

Glittering lights

For all to see.

 

Christmas vacation

Means no school

Sleeping late

Breaking all the rules.

 

Pitter patter on the roof

Waiting for the fat man

Can’t sleep I’m so excited

Open gifts, oh come on la la land.

 

Christmas morning

Jumping out of bed

Getting mommy and daddy

Up and running a head.

 

Oh my stars look at all those gifts

Sliding on slippers I fall to my knees

Squeals of delight as I open each one

Begging my mamma to open hers from me.

 

Memories of Christmas for me as a child

Brings wide-eyed eyes and beautiful smiles

And now I am standing here at the door

Greeting my family who will stay for a while.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

12.17.2013

 

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Christmas Cards, Oh So Beautiful!


Beautiful Christmas cards. Musical, cheery, gorgeous. This is what Al has been receiving and got today also. He holds all of his cards. It is so cute to see him with them.

I want to thank our friends from whom we received cards today.

Vera J. She sent a beautiful Charlie Brown card that when you open it,  it plays different songs. It is precious.

RoSy S. What a cute Christmas tree. Crafted from a caring soul.

Alastair. Oh how beautiful. I love gold, and what lady doesn’t? LOL. It is gorgeous Al.

Cathy D. This is the cutest card. It has a mailbox with little squirrels all readying for the holiday. When you open it up a pop-up Christmas scene rises and the card plays, Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.

Everyone who  has sent cards, I want to thank from the bottom of my heart. Al loves them, I love them.

I wish for all of you to have a joyous Christmas.

Hugs,

Terry and Al

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The New Talk


I haven’t felt good all day. I have been cold. I have some sort of sniffles. My sugars have been low. Last night here at home Al and I had a different type of evening. Al was very calm. He spoke of wanting to make sure I got a Christmas gift from him to remember him by.

He talked about how he had forgiven family who had hurt him terribly. By the end of the evening it was five in the morning when he finally drifted off to sleep. The last words he spoke in that conversation were I see the ladder going to the sky.

It smacked me hard. Maybe he was right. Maybe he really wasn’t going to be here for Christmas. I went to my couch and laid down and got three hours of sleep before he called out to me in pain.

This morning though Al is a different person. Very chatty, laughing, smiling. He talked about his conversation with God last night. He spoke about my Christmas gift from him and asked the care giver if she would go purchase it for him. He spoke of the ladder to heaven in a very calm tone.

Since I didn’t feel well and still not top-notch I am laying on the couch more and watching the Inspiration Channel. There is a movie I have been glued to called One Last Christmas. I am always drawn to movies where there is an underdog. An ill patient.

It is almost over and then the theme song came on. Suddenly I started crying. The words in the song were exactly the same as my own thoughts were last night. This child has leukemia and doesn’t make it to Christmas. It is too close to home as Al feels the same way.

Here is the song. The words may not mean anything to you, but to me, they are mighty powerful.christmas tree

 

 

All I Want For Christmas


You know we are in charge a lot of the time in our daily routines. Anything from hopping out of bed and taking a shower or not. Getting dressed right a way or being comfy in our night clothes.

Drinking a cup of hot coffee or tea. Making the decision to eat breakfast now or later. So many decisions we make and a lot of the time we don’t even realize we are making those because they are habits or routine.

But in the last couple of days I feel like there is someone stronger than me. Something near me slightly pushing me out-of-the-way. Al has the full reign of the decisions lately and I just tag behind like a poor puppy that is hiding like he did something wrong.dog affraid of thunderstorms

I feel like thoughts are not of my own. That a greater power is among Al and me. All day Al has not acted himself.

I see things. I hear words come out of his mouth that I never thought he would say.

Today he looks different. His skin has sort of a transparent look to it. His fingers are a musky color and his nail beds are pretty gray.

He has spoken about knowing that our Mom is now waiting on him. He even told the care giver today that he needs to make a will now. Tonight he asked me to get the driver’s license out of his wallet of Mom. I had given it to him last year when he started on this roller coaster of daily pain.

He told me he wanted to hold it close to his heart. After we ate supper and I brushed his teeth, he picked up the license and he is holding it next to his heart. How can I not run from the room in tears? How can I not beg him to stop? How can I not scream at God to put a stop to this?

Those are the moments that all of my senses take leave and my emotions run high. Al cried and I cried with him. He began to talk about who was going to be here at Christmas. I told him and he said that he hoped I had a good time.

I told him he was going to have a good time too. I explained that I had wrapped some gifts for him today and he cried harder letting me know I was wasting my money on him as he would not be here to open them.

He told me that he wanted to buy me a Christmas gift. He said he wanted to buy me something that would always remind me of him. I couldn’t take it, I just couldn’t stand hearing those words.

I know in my heart that he has suffered enough. This MSA is a killer in more ways than one. If anyone has any extra change in their pockets please give it to MSA.org. I don’t want any, not even one living soul to have to go through the pain like Al has.

We are putting a blanket in between  his legs because they just won’t stay apart due to contractions. He is no longer sweating. Instead his skin is cold and his fingers like ice. The fans have now been turned off until he needs them once again. There is a sickening silence in his room when you walk in.

Everyone says God will take Al in his perfect timing, but come on, this is my brother I am sitting here listening to him talk like this. It is like he has accepted he is going to die soon and he is making his final arrangements. This is very, very hard for a sister to listen to.

All I want for Christmas is for Al to be at peace. Inside peace, outer peace, you name it. Free of pain, no more tears, no more screams of  pain, nothing. Quiet, peace. I don’t want to wait for the perfect timing. I am selfish. I want Al to be pain free now. I don’t want him to  have to suffer another restless night, and yet there is a part of  me that carries hope that this is a living nightmare, a dream and I will wake up and he and I will go hop in the car and find a flea market.

As I stated earlier, something is going on between the heavens and in this house. I know it. I can feel and sense it. I can do nothing to stop it. It is a power of giving up, a will to stop. A tired soul. A body tired of fighting.

As I sit here my heart is being squeezed like the life is being drained from it. I am not alarmed because I know it is from the hurt that is already starting the process of losing someone.

This is certainly one time I do not wish to be alone. I used to love quietness. I loved the peace of hearing nothing. Now, I want chatter. I want something to stir me up so much inside so  I can’t think. I can’t go crazy. I can’t cry. I don’t want  to face this any longer. I want it over.

I am a weak person when my brother speaks of leaving. I don’t want to cry right now so I am going to end this with All I Want For Christmas Is Peace For My Brother.

 

 

Can You See Me Dancing?


Every time I hear this song, no matter what I am doing or what kind of mood I am in, I get happy. I just want to dance and get happy. Do you have a song that does this to you?

 

Now this song is my ultimate favorite Christmas song. When I used to buy CD’s at Christmas time I would not even budge buying unless it had this song on it.

What Christmas songs do you enjoy?

 

Are You Wondering?


 

I bet you have wondered the helper and Al and I got along today. Well, it was freaking fantastic! She jumped right in. She has a great personality. Al and her got a long very well. She changed him. She helped with every thing I taught her today. She fed him breakfast and lunch. She changed his brief.

I actually cleaned the house with barely any interruptions. I did lay down but couldn’t sleep. I did watch Christmas Bride on the Hallmark movie station. I have no new aches.

Best thing that has happened in our lives in weeks. Help, someone to talk to Al, a loving soul who took her time and  showed Al she cared and all this on the first day. The next best thing is she is coming back tomorrow. I am keeping my fingers tightly crossed.crossed fingers