A Stress Day Made Me Do This


I saw these things on my Facebook, so had to share with you.

I almost peed my pants reading this. !!!!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30″ she said
proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good”, said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next.”I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Debbie”,said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″, he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make so much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip
& Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

“They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog poop’!”

“Then I would say, ‘It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’ I used the
President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks
good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste
out of your mouth.”

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

 

Best Presidential Joke of the Year

President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier:
“It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”

Obama:
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”

Cashier:
“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier:
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama:
“I order you to cash this check!”

Cashier:
“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.

Cashier:
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

 

Subject: Fw: Honesty and where it will get you” this will make you smile<<

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

 

What Do You Do?


A comment was made to me today and I started thinking about it. Maybe more than I should have. But sometimes I am just in the right train of thought, the mood is perfect and I will dig deep. And so this is what happened on this very nice day.

Do you ever run into situations that make you feel uncomfortable?

I should say right here that I am in no way pointing fingers. You can all relax and take a deep breath, put your smile back on and hopefully enjoy this post. No, what I am talking about is the phrase, out of sight, out of mind.

In the way it was used when speaking with me was one that I didn’t see sticking out at me at first. I had to think about it, tear it apart, take into consideration who said it and then solve the sentence.

For me it was used as a protector. It was said to not have to stop and think about reality. The real situation that is going on in life. A  way of protecting the heart. Pretending something isn’t really happening can be a way of saving a person from being depressed.

So I wondered if this is what other people do. Do I, we, you turn our backs when we see the less than desirable body walking down the street? Do any of us turn our heads if we see someone with a different color walking towards us?

What about kids in public that are crying, do we look or turn a way? Do we  hear our friends really speaking when they are trying so hard to tell us they are being beaten at home? What about the teen girl who was raped last night. She feels so ashamed and yet she tries so hard to not come out and actually tell what happened, but she needs to say something. She is hoping you will pick up on her actions or words or hints.

Maybe it is the neighbor kid who used to be so friendly and now you never see him outside shooting baskets. Does it ever make you wonder if something odd or wrong is going on within that house?

What about the A student who suddenly within the same year drops down to D’s and F’s. Or maybe that little child that backs off when you try to talk to her, or covers his head when you approach. Is everything alright? Has he/soul 2Blog of the Year Award 6 star jpegbook4msa logoshe been hit or beaten.

We all know and realize that this is a very big world we live in. Inside the marble is thousands of different homes with different life-styles. Different rules than ours. Different everything and yet we have one thing in common at the very least. We are all human. We react to good and bad news on all sorts of ways. So after dissecting the comment I am alright with it. I can’t say I wish things were not different, but I understand.

How do you handle situations that make you feel uncomfortable?

1. Head on?

2. Walk a way?

3. Out of sight, out of mind?

4. Ask for help of others?

 

Temporarily Nutso


Can you believe that I am just now posting my first blog today? Yes, I pressed a few articles this morning, but to chat with you I have not. I think it is a first for me. Well my friends gather near and get ready to do a visual in your mind. Here I am, Ms. Innocent, minding my own business.betty boop

Yesterday was not really a bad at all. Other than tears and the usual pains, Al was pretty good. I had a nice calm day. It got later and it was time to give Al his snacks and his medications.

After he finished I changed him and put him in bed, said goodnight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. I turned the ceiling fan off and the lights and headed down the hall to my bathroom.

My hall to my bathroom is dim. It has little miniature lights that put off a soft glow. They are little cows and horses. Yeah, they are so cute. Well anyways, I was barefoot, which is very rare with my bad diabetic feet. farm animals

I went in my bathroom and was sitting on the throne. I was just looking around and then I noticed something at the edge of the doorway. Right where I had just walked past in my bare feet.

It was a spider. Oh my gosh, a spider!spiders_4aI freaked. I hurried and finished my business. If it isn’t a tree-toad in my toilet water it is now a spider. I don’t know how these two buggers got in but they are not welcome. I looked around because I was too scared to walk out the door now with that huge thing standing in the way.

Yes, in my eyes he was huge. I may be taller and bigger but he was huge in my vision. I grabbed my hair spray can. I got as close as I dare get and sprayed him. That sucker jumped and ran for my bedroom door.

Oh no you don’t. I am going to bed. You are not welcome in my room under any circumstances.

I ran past him without thinking and grabbed my fly swatter. Racing back to him I knew that I had stunned him with my frozen stiff spray. I went to swat him and I missed. That stupid sucker jumped again and this time he went under my dresser.

Now I was on a mission. It was him die or me, and it was going to be him. I had nothing at all to defend myself so I just kept swatting at the darkness hoping to bop him a good one. I saw him, YES, I see you and now I am going to beat you down. I swatted a good one. Strike! You are out. I was chalking one up for me.

You have to realize by now it is almost one am and I have to be up with Al in the morning so he can get on the bus. My bedroom lights are not bright. I have a lot of low glows in my room. I like a soft-looking room, a comfy look.moon 5

I looked up after I crushed him and there was Rhino looking at me.  What a lazy cat. He should have had his rear down here smacking that spider silly instead of me. For heaven’s sakes, I have to get up in the morning.rhino on Alvin's bed

I got up and went into the bathroom to get a nice big wad of toilet paper to dispose of the hideous creature. When I got back you will not believe this. That spider was gone. Oh no, I can’t go to bed with a spider on the loose.

Now I was on the war path. I went and got my big tomahawk flashlight. Guaranteed to locate anything in hiding. I looked and I looked but nothing. Where was he, he had to be dazed and dizzy as much hair spray as I had given him. I had even sprayed him with Glade air freshener. So he was dazed but at least he smelled good.

Well nothing and by now it is almost two am. I had to be up in six hours. I had no choice but to go to bed. I asked God to keep that creature a way from me, but just to help myself too, I left the lights on all night and my big flashlight and my fly swatter in hands.

When I woke up this morning I was still holding my weapons and I was tired. It was time to get Al up. I woke up about five minutes before the alarm went off. I cursed the alarm. I wanted more sleep.

I got Al up and fiddled on the computer while the shower girl gave him his shower. Then I had some coffee and a doughnut stick. I got dressed and as soon as I waved goodbye to Al on the bus, I was off to the grocery store. On the weekends it is hard to get out because it is difficult to take Al out, so I try to get everything in hand before he hops off the bus on Friday nights.

I came home and put everything a way. Then I started the JOB. The job of cleaning every nook and cranny looking for the hopefully dead spider. I cleaned the corners, the cobwebs, anywhere a sweeper or hose could reach. I moved my little pieces of furniture.

Nothing, no spider, nada, zip, zero. He was gone or the cat ate him. I was just putting the last of the loose ends a way when it was time to get Al off the bus. A day shot to the winds. No blogging, no goofing off, no chatting. But the good thing is; my room is spotless. But, where is the spider? Will I see him tonight?

 

Daily Prompt; Standout


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When was the last time you really stood out in a crowd? Are you comfortable in that position, or do you wish you could fade into the woodwork?

 

Photographers, artists, poets: show us STANDOUT.

Through the years the last thing I ever wanted to do was stand out in front of anything. Hiding behind my mask was my habit.mask

I allowed people to beat me up emotionally for my thoughts I had. I let people allow  me to shrink to the size of a thimble and I found myself forcing words out of my mouth that were untrue in order not to hurt others feelings.thimblewords

It took finally ending up alone and feeling like my best friend was me before I got to the point of bringing myself out of my shell and voicing what I really thought.shell

I can still feel pain when someone doesn’t agree with me, but in the end it will be me standing on stage, listening to my own truth.

StageYou may discover and feel pain of friends and family who leave you standing alone.

But I have learned that the best thing I can do for myself in order to be happy and at peace is just to be me and no one else.dscf4163

A stage? In my life time? For me? I doubt it. God has better plans than that heading my way.

I think that I will be just as happy knowing that I what deal with today is going to be nothing compared to what God has in store for me tomorrow.

 

Daily Prompt; Earworm


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Write whatever you normally write about, and weave in a book quote, film quote, or song lyric that’s been sticking with you this week.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us INSPIRATION.

It seems that this was the prompt just a short few weeks ago, but hey, what do I know. And maybe it was so good that DP decided to try it again. Or maybe I am supposed to learn something the second time ago.

This week I have been sitting in my rocker going bonkers on what I do wrong. I blame it on so many things. Not possibly believing that it could be me. It had to be some other reason that I knocked the sugar shaker off the stove. That just when Al wanted to be cleaned up from the supper table, I was scraping and scooping sugar before it ran too far down the crack between the stove and cupboard.

Looking over at Al and seeing the shit-eating grin on his face as I am cleaning up. I think that smile represented, nice to know I am not the only one who screws up. Alright Al, I will give you kudos on that thought.

Or how about the incident in the shower with Al and his walking steps. Me getting all paranoid wondering what that shower girl may be thinking. Alright, I will admit it. My mind can roam free as if living with the prairie dogs.prairie dogs

Why in the world did I become frightened? Crap happens right? Turds are dropped in our lap when we least expect it. We just wipe off and flush the crap and start over. Isn’t that what you all told me to do basically?toilet

Just a sentence or two out of a stranger’s mouth can leave a nasty taste in  our mouths.

I clung to the fact that if Al fell by accident again, I may lose him for being an unfit sister. I let it rule my roost and I ended up crowing like a big fat rooster first thing in the morning. I sounded ridiculous, I must admit, and I was over-reacting.rooster

What I am doing is digesting all of the comments that were left to me. I am beginning to realize that I can never be a perfect anything, let alone a perfect sister. I know without a doubt I love my brother and he loves me. I know that I do the best to make sure he is as comfortable and happy as possible.

I now know that everything that happened was only because it was a Monday.

 

 

Garfield: Yeah, my loyal and fragrant subjects. Please, thank you.
  Briefly, I hate Mondays. I hate em. Therefore I decree, from this
  day forward, there will be no more Mondays.

Daily Prompt; Keep Out


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Who is the one person you hope isn’t reading your blog? Why?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us OUTSIDE.

I can look at this from standing inside the circle on the perfectly centered dot. As I turn around slowly I can see people looking inside. They have their hands cupped around their eyes. Their noses are squished into the glass bubble. I can see stretched nostrils and I think that one guy way over there has a stringy booger hanging out his nose. The man standing next to him needs to trim those nose hairs.funny-gif-people-inside-bubbles

I hold the key. Each week I go to each person and get a keen look at his purpose of reading my precious blog. As all writers of blogs know, this is our domain, our pit, our space. Just not everyone is let in to see our private thoughts.

I mean, for heaven’s sakes, what if I was pissed off at my neighbor and I decided to knock her off her high horse by writing terrible, nasty, and rude things about her? What if she never forgave me? What about the next time I needed that cup of sugar? Would she slam her door in my face?silly neighbor

I see Mrs. Piggly Wiggly standing right dead smack in front of me too. She is the one with the longest and most pointed nose I ever did see. But hey, when I am short on staples in my cupboard, she always comes through.

Oh wait, over there is the President of the Bank I belong too. No, you won’t see me on the top list of Board Members. Well shucks, if the truth were known I am two months behind on that darn mortgage payment. He don’t know it but I have caller ID and I can tell when that snooty bank is trying to get in on my party line. All they ever want to do is just plain old harass me. Wonder what he is doing here? Probably trying to see if I am really speaking the truth. I have given so many reasons why I am late, I bet he just wants to see if my blog says I am really out partying it up every night of the week.funny-little-girl-president-costume

Turning more on my center point, I see my kids. Now most of the time I don’t care if they read my blog or not. I can admit it sort of hurts when only one out of three read what I write. But there is advantages to them not reading my words. Some of the time I am speaking about them. I am not kidding. I love my kids more than life itself, but gosh dang, kids can really get on an old woman’s nerves at times. Sorry kids, just consider it the fact I am going through the hot-flash change of life and tomorrow I promise I won’t feel this way.my kids when they were young

As I complete my turn in my little center of the bubble I see one last group of people. I have never met them, but by looking at their warm smiles and seeing the truth in their eyes, I can recognize this group as my friends from Blogging World. Hi there, hey there, how are you all doing? I can’t believe it? You are all here, waiting to see my next post. Ready to give me a kick in the seat when I need it. Some of you boost my morale. Others of you give me a shoulder to lean on. Hey you, I recognize those ornery dogs. I know who you are. You there, I know you without a doubt. You are wearing a Captain’s hat. I know that you have sailed the seas many times. That lady there has humor written on the front of her shirt. I know you. I read you blog post the last thing before going to bed. Hey Jo, I would know you anywhere. You and I, we have shared some laughs, tears and sorrows together haven’t we. Each of you have something unique that you share with me. I just want you to each know you are always welcome into my bubble anytime.group of friends

So in conclusion of this post I welcome everyone who has a warm heart, a soul that is true, family and friends. Welcome all to my part of the world.

Well, I guess there is only one that I would not want in my group. One who would not be welcomed and chased out with all of my might. This would be that toad. That ugly, big wart toad.toad

Daily Prompt; No Longer a Mere Mortal


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You’ve imbibed a special potion that makes you immortal. Now that you’ve got forever, what changes will you make in your life? How will you live life differently, knowing you’ll always be around to be accountable for your actions?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us LONGEVITY.

The first thing that came to my mind when I read this is thin. Please let me be thin forever. Don’t let me ever have to worry about what I eat. Let me have sugars, sweets, eat two helpings of anything.twiggy banana splitbanana split

Let me be beautiful. Let all men who look my way never be able to take their eyes off of me.beautiful lady

Let me be rich, let me never run out of money. Let me buy all that I dream of. Let me lay in pools of gold.TREASURE_CHEST_s

Then I began to think how selfish I am. Is this really going to make me happy?

Is this going to make me content for eternity with no purpose in my life?

I doubt it. It is a dream that we wish for, but not for a life time.

How would we learn from life without lessons? How could we smile when the only one we gift is our self?

I believe we would grow bored. There would be no nothing. An empty box with our face plastered all over it, but no smiles to look at.empty box

Eventually we would become lifeless. We would just want to curl up in our coffin and die early.coffin

We need things to work for in our life. We need goals, we need to stay busy. We need to know that we can create goals and accomplish them.

We need to be able to look forward to the next day, month and year. We need to help our neighbors, be there for our families. We need to love life.

Yes, having everything for a while would be a dream come true, but hard work and a reason for living would make up so much happier.

Daily Prompt; Tagline


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Often, our blogs have taglines. But what if humans did, too? What would your tagline be?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us ADVERTISING.

Oh wow, is this the time when I can let loose and brag on myself? You say it is? Oh my, what can I say about myself. Should I go way back? Back to the days when saddle shoes were hip? Or maybe back to five years ago when I was my own boss?

Alright, let’s see here. Let me give taglines about me, considered a human, who walks and takes up little space on this big, big earth.

Let’s start with witty. Yes, witty. Believe it or not, there was a time when I was quite witty. What is witty do you ask? I will be happy to tell you.

Witty means;

possessing wit in speech or writing; amusingly clever in perception and expression: a witty writer.
Some times you can see it in my writing when I make my stories about life and add humor to it. I know, you are asking when was that? Well, just go back and look. You can actually find them, I swear it’s true.
 
Another tagline may be, philosopher. I hear you laughing. I swear it is the biggest personality trait I claim as my own. Is your definition different from mine?
 
Philosopher;
a person who offers views or theories on profound questions in ethics, metaphysics, logic, and other related fields.
 
I am always trying to write from the other person’s heart. I imagine myself in their shoes, their life, their circumstances. I try to figure out a way to help others by offering things to think about, a new idea, or maybe to just let them know I care.
 
One more tagline may be story-teller. I do have confidence to a point that I can write a story. Oh come now, everyone can write a story, tell a story, or even make up a story. What is a story-teller?
 
1.
a person who tells or writes stories or anecdotes.
2.
a person who tells more or less trivial falsehoods; fibber.
 
Now there is one thing about me that I am not, and that is number two. I am not a fibber, but sometimes I don’t tell the truth either. Instead, I just don’t answer. I absolutely hate hurting others feelings. It would just kill me to know that I turned your sunny day into clouds.sunshine_meditation
I think the last tagline I will use is Christian. Yes friends, I must stop here. I don’t want you to think that any of this tagging would ever go to my head.
 
Oh you say you are a Christian too? How wonderful, I love having Christian friends. What is a Christian? You have always wondered but were afraid to ask? Here, let me explain.
 
1.
of, pertaining to, or derived from Jesus Christ or His teachings: a Christian faith.
2.
of, pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ: Spain is a Christian country.
3.
of or pertaining to Christians: many Christian deaths in the Crusades.
4.
exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ; Christlike: She displayed true Christian charity.
5.
decent; respectable: They gave him a good Christian burial.
 
Now don’t think of me as a big snooty person. I have many friends who are not Christians. I have friends who believe there is no God at all. And I ask myself, who am I to judge? This is not my job.
 
We all meet for different reasons. Some of us cross paths because we are needed in each others lives. Others are passing through the night but end up staying day after day. I believe we are all here for a specific reason, so I try to always keep an open mind and ask for God’s protection to always keep me safe. You just never know when you may meet a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
 
Well, I guess this is about it. I have bragged on myself enough. Actually this was a truly difficult write for me. I do not make it a habit to  take a good look at myself and have to figure out what may or may not be my good or weak points.
 
Did you enjoy your walk with me on a few chapters of my life? One little secret, that I haven’t told anyone. You over there in Switzerland, or you in Africa, and you over here next to my state, or my friends in the South, oh, and you in New York and California; lean in and believe me when I whisper in your ear. You light up each of my days. I am so lucky to have wonderful friends.
 
Alright, let’s all hold hands and take a bow. One, Two, Three, Bow.