An Ill Man’s Inner Thoughts


Some days I see gray

Then my body begins to sway                                                     helpinghand

I remember what used to be

Before darkness came over me

Shadows casting undertones

Leaving me to deal with this all alone

Hiding in my own dark sack

Wishing I could take it back

I didn’t ask for this

I swear on a golden kiss

It sneaked in and took a seat

It landed at my feet

I pray it will go a way

Maybe come another day

I watch as others play

On a bright and sunny day

While cars going here and there

I am sitting here my soul too bare

If I could turn back the time

And go back to when I was nine

And know what I do today

I swear I would  pick another way

To live my life each day

I would honor each I know

And say I love you so

I would set my worries a way

And save them for a rainy day

But alas I am sitting here

My eyes full of tears

I have heard the door knocking

But I have worked hard on blocking

That my time is almost up

I have filled up my cup

My illness is taking me

To levels above the trees

I can see Jesus hands

Reaching through all the lands

He is tugging at me I can feel

He wants to take my illness and peel

It a way and bring me home

To sit with him near the throne.

Terry Shepherd

05/29/2013

Prayer Request Please


Weeping Angels

I thought that when I left Al yesterday, he was in better spirits from our talk. Evidently not, as the facility just called to tell me they had an issue with him. He is thinking about ending it all. They said he has no plan, which makes them feel better. It is an unofficial watch for him as if they state in the files what he is thinking he would have to be sent to a psyche ward. Neither them or me wants him to have to go there. It would destroy him.

So I am pleading and begging for prayers. I called the man in charge of his waiver and said that Al is very sad and that he is afraid he is going to die there instead of here at home. He said he will try to rush it on his end but that once it was at the State again, it was out of his control.

I know that Al told me last week that he saw someone sitting in his recliner during the night. He said that God told him it was now time to go to heaven to see Mom.

I am not going to argue Al’s words because who am I to judge?

Please pray that this goes quickly to get him home and that all the angels surround Al while he is still there.

 

My Awesome God


Twilight in the Wilderness, (1860), Cleveland ...

Oh, alas I cry out to you

Oh my God how

Awesome are you

That you have listened

That you have responded

To my many prayer

Request. I get down

On bended knee

And thank-you

My awesome God

For never leaving me

Nor straying from  me

In a wilderness so bleak

And naked with no clothing

To cover my bared soul

For thou has promised

Over and over

That you love me.

Oh my awesome God

How can I ever thank-you

For no words do I have

To show my humbleness

And my deep feelings

For you my Lord.

Thank-you from

The deepest of my heart.

Terry Shepherd

05/15/2013

Lessons In Life


After Dorothy's departure, Blanche, Rose and S...

There is a topic  from the Golden Girls, that no matter how many times I watch it; it always touches me way down deep.

It is about when Rose becomes unemployed and she speaks about the bag lady she sees each morning.

It makes me ponder on my own life. I wonder if you do this too. Do you ever think you could be in a position of being a bag lady/man? Did you study real hard in  high-school and go to college and are now in the middle of a great career? Only to find out the company is downsizing.

Did you ever in your wildest dreams think that one of the major reasons you were being escorted to the front door is because you had proven yourself over and over what an outstanding employee you had been them? That the benefits you had earned was the reason you were being let go? The company has learned to hire temps, because they don’t require the extras.

When I was living in Florida I was amazed at how many people were homeless. You hear the hype about big old Florida. The place to retire, the bright, warm sunshine. How could there  be homeless in such a glorified state?

Florida is a great place to retire if you were lucky enough to be on the right end of the stick. If you were the prior generation that lived, played and worked hard. When there was an economy that was better balanced.

A time before companies figured out several ways to give you less service for a bigger dollar. Life was slower. Food was grown in the ground. Families worked together, looking out for each others interests.

Your meat wasn’t filled with chemicals. It was home-grown, corn-fed, and butchered at your local meat market. Although life is always tough no matter what generation you come from, the family that stays together, prays together and lives for one another are the ones who now look at their Golden Years with stars in their eyes. Their hard work had paid off and now they can ride golf carts,  play golf and frolic in the sun.

But life isn’t like that today. Nothing is stable and there are no more securities. Many live and save for a vacation. But there are many who try so hard to save and when vacation comes they stay home or travel close by. Camping has become a great way to have fun.

If you can even afford a six man tent, you can find many fun and enjoyable places to relax and enjoy the outdoors. But there is still a deeper issue. The ones who are our neighbors, or maybe we worked with, who never saw it coming.

There was no preparations for the future. We thought we had it made in a shade. Suddenly the job is gone. There are two mortgages on the house. Two to three vehicles sitting in the drive way. A swimming pool out back. The kids wear only name brand clothing. The newest make-up and hair styles had to be had. Every credit card in our wallets is maxed out.

We never gave it a second thought that tomorrow may not come. This takes me back to the Golden Girl show and my own experience. I may have talked about this many moons ago. If I did, forgive me, but on the other hand, it is very important for all of us struggling in today’s world to keep this foremost in our heads.

Many of us live believing and knowing that God will not let us walk through it without knowing he is by our side. But we also know that this world is to get worse. The Bible promises us this. It has to get worse before Jesus can come back.

One day I was at a local gas station near my home. I was getting ready to get out of my car and this man started coming towards me. He didn’t want anything from me but yet by his looks I was a little afraid. Shame on me for acting this way. Even the ugliest of sheep can wear the most beautiful clothes.

I watched this man who looked like he hadn’t had a bath in days. His clothes were torn and didn’t fit properly. What he was doing was going through the trash cans. When I realized this I pumped my gas and went in the store to pay.

I said, do you know there is a man out there rummaging through the trash?

Yes, we know it. He is a regular here. Every morning and evening he pays us a visit. He is looking for soda cans or food. We save him our donuts each day and he takes them with a smile.

My heart dropped down to my toes. Here I was, worrying about the rising prices of gas. Complaining in my head about what I had to pay the clerk. I had forgotten to be thankful for having the money to pay.

I felt like a real ass to tell you the truth. Right there in the store I thanked God for all of the wonderful blessings he had bestowed on me through the years. Yes, life is tough. Life throws us many curves. I hate the high prices of anything today. But I am  more careful now ever since that gas station incident.

I watch how much I am wasting. I ask myself, do I really need it, or do I just want it.

When I walked out of the store I walked up to the man. I handed him some money. He looked at it and you would have thought it was the biggest amount of money he had seen in a long time.  Who knows, it may very well have been. He got teary-eyed, and he grabbed my two hands into his and he started shaking my hands. Thank-you, thank-you mam. You don’t know what a blessing this is for me. I can now go to the grocery store and purchase some food that I know is safe to eat.

We hugged each other and he waved and smiled as I got back in my car and left. My heart swelled and my eyes were wet from tears. It felt glorious to help another person. I love helping people. I can’t always say yes to others but I try to do what I can.

Thank-you God for allowing me to learn that life can not be taken for granted. This was a lesson that I needed to learn today. While I sometimes forget to say thanks, and there are times I forget that you are near me, you are constantly watching over me, teaching me things I need to learn before I am allowed to come home. Amen

Daily Prompt; Hi Mom


http://dailypost.wordpress.com,
Daily Post, DP

http://dailypost.wordpress.com
Today is Mother’s Day in the United States. Wherever in the world you are, write your mother a letter.

Photographers, share a photo that says mothering. mother and child

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mom,

I have seen many posts on Facebook of children wishing their Mom’s a great Mother’s Day. I have read several posts here at WordPress of professing love for our mothers. I am even guilty of writing about you too a little early.

Mom, growing up isn’t easy. Us kids are self-centered by nature. We see ourselves as the center of attention. We are demanding as little ones. When we want food or drink or we have a boo-boo, we let you know that we want and need your attention immediately.

We played in the mud making our clothes dirty. We tracked mud across your freshly mopped floors. We even picked you the yellow dandelions out of the yard, and everything we did wrong was erased and placed with smiles as you picked us up and hugged us thanking us for your beautiful yellow-staining flower.

You were the one who came running when you heard that high-pitched scream. You swooped us up in your arms and rushed us inside to clean our knees when we scraped them riding our bikes.

You were the only Mom who had to go to parent teacher conference and discover that your daughter had left her under slip hanging in the coat closet the entire grading period. Knowing how easily you are embarrassed, I can only imagine how you felt at that moment.

Mom, I want to thank-you for standing up for me when Dad accused or yelled at me. I didn’t realize that by doing this you took the risk of having a new argument later behind closed bedroom doors.

You worked very hard through the years you were raising me. I want to ask for your forgiveness for all the times that you tried over and over to call me at home. Only to find the phone was ringing that familiar busy signal. You were so upset with me when you arrived home, and the one thing I did was lie to you. Stating something must be wrong with that darn phone. But you and me, we both knew inside our hearts that I was fibbing, but you didn’t say it out loud.

I want to thank-you for taking your valuable time to pick me up from the library after you had worked a long day. Or taking me into meet my friends at the movies when I now realize you would rather have stayed home and relaxed on a Friday night.

I want to thank-you Mom for understanding that I needed to make my own mistakes in my teen years. I did do some biggies and you never said I told you so. I want to ask again for forgiveness for the many tears I brought to your eyes. I knew it Mom, when you came out from your bedroom with your Bible in your hands, I had disappointed you again and you were praying for me to see the light.

I want to thank-you Mom for shedding the tears for me. I was the only one who saw them but I knew they were tears of worry and hope that my life would be alright when you and I discovered at the doctor’s office that I was pregnant.

I want to thank-you for taking care of my first-born the year I was so ill. I know that this was a huge burden for you with all of your other responsibilities. You did it all and never complained or made me feel bad.

I want to apologize to you Mom for all the ways I went about letting you know that you were not my real mother while I was growing up. You didn’t have to do it. I was not your own and yet you remained steady and loving until the day you died.

One last thing Mom, I want to thank-you for letting me speak to you while you lay on your death-bed. I know in my heart that even though you were unconscience you heard every word I spoke.

I always loved you Mom, and you gave me the chance to wipe the slate clean and let me tell you how much I admired you as a Mother, and how much I always loved you. It was as if you were waiting for those words you so desperately needed to hear all those long years. Because as soon as I said them, I took a hold of your pale, lifeless hand, and you then let Jesus lift you into his arms.

I love you Mom. You may not have been my blood Mother, but I know you were the best in the world.

With tears in my eyes,

Your loving daughter,

Terry

You See That Mountain Over There?


One of these days

Prostredný hrot mountain, Tatra Mountains, Slo...

candle-animated.gif

I’m gonna reach

The top of

That mountain

Over there, do you

See it, the one there

With all the ridges

Where my trials

Have been heavy

And rocky at times

But there are some

Smooth grassy spots

Yeah, right where

You’re pointing

Those are the

Marks of where

Jesus took my

Hand and guided

Me through the

Wild brush

You see, no matter

How tough life is

Or how sick we feel

We are never really

Alone although we

Feel like we are

Just whisper the

Sweet words of Jesus

And he will guide

You each step

Of each day

Terry Shepherd

05/07/2013

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/too-much-pain-and-too-little-money/55964

A Cleaning Bottle and Me


English: A plastic bottle with trigger sprayer...

The last thing I usually pay any attention to is the TV commercials. But last night as I was sitting there eating my four Hershey Kisses I saw an ad that caught my eye. It was the new plastic bottles that we buy and use for cleaning. It had a new insert,  the straw I will call it. When you squeeze the lever the cleaner comes up through the straw.

I thought to myself, well I will be shit and shoved in it. Some brainy woman got real creative. She too, got sick and tired of throwing away bottles that still have cleaner in them. Or taking the funnel and trying to empty that into another bottle. Wow, I am impressed.

At night-time my brain has a weird way of thinking. I have put Al to rest. Laid all my bills and worries aside. Now my brain has room to roam and sometimes it really takes off in directions that sometimes surprise even me.

I was thinking about how that straw was now curved. The complete bottle could be used. Nothing was standing in its way from doing its job. I found it amazing that now I can see where curves can be beneficial over straight sticks.

Then I pondered on how we hit many curves in our lives. Our path we hope is very straight. We assume that going down the straight and narrow wins us a big prize. I am not so sure if this is true or not.

It seems the more curves that come in my way I get stronger. If I walked the straight road of life and everything went smooth, what would I have learned? What tests would I have been taught?

I realized at that late hour that I am doing exactly what I am to do. Have issues facing me most of the time. Have some smooth and good days tossed in for relaxation. Lean on Jesus for each problem I need help with. Draw closer to my friendships. Learn to appreciate the smaller things in life.

I may not know so many of you or stand so close to God if I didn’t have the curved bumps in my road. Maybe, I don’t know for sure because my life is not over but when my time is up, I would not know for sure which direction I was going when I pass a way.

But this way, I know for sure that because of a crooked straw in a cleaner bottle that I use daily, I am going to heaven. So I want to thank the person with the brains that came up with this new clever idea for pointing out to me that I can also follow crooked roads. And when my bottle is empty I will be seeing Jesus.

Al’s LIfe Journey, Chapter 6


Panic attack

Panic attack

This week could have been better for me. I have suffered minor set backs of almost panic attack feelings. Stress and tight muscles as I went to bed and waking in the mornings  to the same feelings. I wondered if I even slept well at all through the nights.

This has been happening to me ever since the day I thought Jesus was standing very near to me. I think that my mind races like a spinning top about all kinds of things. Al coming home soon. Will I be able to do everything I need to when he is here? The inner guilt of choosing Al over working outside the home. Wondering now that I have written a few chapters what really happened to Al when he was little.

It just seems I do not stop the thought process, and I have learned to hide beneath my covers and sleep. This doesn’t help me long-term. I realize it is a temporary fix but at times it is enough to relax me some.

As I was about at my wit’s end last evening where I just wanted to pull my hair out, fall to my knees in tears, a good friend of mine from Canada called to chat. She told me that she felt she was supposed to call.

God has the perfect timing. He knew that I had enough. My bucket was ready to spill over and he sent a friend to the rescue. We talked for over an hour. I almost didn’t want to talk at first. It is very difficult for me to release the silly feelings that I carry inside. It is much easier for me to pretend that life is good and all is well.

My friend is a very strong Christian woman and so I was able to confide in her questions that had been spinning in my mind and we talked through them. By the time we hung up my tight chest had relaxed and I felt an inner peace I had not felt all of this week.

She made me see the light about caring for Al versus having money in my hands. She told me that God will take care of my needs as long as I am sincere. I feel very sincere when I say out loud, I want my brother home with me. I want to give him all the support I can. I want him to know that he is loved and I will be here with him through this journey of his life.

Maybe once Al is home I can get the routine down pretty well and pick up a job caring for someone else while he is at Day Program. I dare to say that my first book is now done and getting ready to be published very soon, that this would make me any money. I didn’t write it for that reason, to get rich. I know that is a foolish dream.

I wrote it for my children for when I am no longer here. I wanted to leave a mark here on earth, a memory of how I think, but if God wanted me to make money off of it, he will. He is an amazing God and what ever he wishes for me will all be good.

I think one of my deepest thoughts that fly around in my head is Al. When I read back what I have written I see what I was put through at a very early age. I see  how my innocence was stolen from me. But, what about Al? Surely there are reasons that he was so afraid in those young years. I don’t believe that children are born afraid. Something or someone has placed that fear.

My friend and I prayed together over the phone that God shows me how to help Al release the hidden fears he has kept buried all of these years. I can do nothing to help him alone. I have tried so many therapy sessions with him and we get no where. But God can do anything.

It won’t help Al rid the disease of Parkinson’s Disease. It could release bad memories and bring him a release and therefore joy. Seeing Al carry joy in his heart and the two of us leaning on each other can not do anything but help us both.

Knowing that Al believes in his heart that I really do love him would be wonderful. To see him trust me totally would be so wonderful. So now I ask the Almighty God to help me to help Al.

The Burning Image


A troubled life followed the kid into his adulthood. Drugs and too much sex destroyed his

Sex

mind and his body. He was filled with guilt and now equally filled with a bad sickness. Lying on his bed filled with other  patients he wanted to die.

He blamed everyone for where he was today. He didn’t like his parents rules so he ran a way from home. It didn’t take him long to learn that he had made a mistake but his pride kept him from going back, so he learned to let the streets suck him in.

Having nowhere to go after his friend’s parents kicked him out he stayed at different homes eventually sleeping in cars. For a couple of weeks he found an abandoned garage and he curled up in some old blankets each night. Then he got busted and almost had the cops called on him but he ran faster and escaped.

During his travels he experienced what it was like to be used and dumped. He slept with whom ever offered him a bed as the nights turned colder. It wasn’t important to him who he stayed the night with. It was more about staying warm and free from snowy weather.

He found a small town bar and he began a routine of hanging out and playing pool. He used his wit to lure people into trusting him into their lives, even if for a short time. He not only let others use him, he traded sex for theft of money or valuables on his way out the door early in the mornings.

He used the money and sold his finds on the street. This fed and clothed him. The vicious circle consumed him and he began to drink so much he didn’t even remember who he had been with the night before.

Had he even had sex or had he passed out before? Did he sleep with her or him or were there several? He didn’t know and he didn’t care anymore. This was his life as he knew it and there was no going back.

One night as he was doing his trickery of getting into a safe warm haven he got the tables turned. Instead of him doing the joke the joke was on him. It was a Saturday night and he was in his favorite bar.

Drinks were flowing and lies were being spoken. Eyes were concentrating on what could be taken. The time was coming near for the closed sign to be placed. A group of both sexes got together and invited this poor kid to their place for a continuing party.

He didn’t hesitate at all. He grabbed his coat and hat and took off with them. As soon as they got inside more drinks were poured. Lights were dimmed and music began to mesmerize the mind.

One drug was taken out and the table cleared. Later more types of drugs were used. Needles were exchanged from one person to the next. The minutes turned into hours and although he knew he was being passed from one person to the next, his mouth could not open to stop it.

He felt rough hungry hands feeding his body parts lifting him to heights he had never experienced before. Pain seared his body but in some mysterious way brought him even more pleasure.

Darkness turned to dawn and when his eyes opened pain was piercing his entire body. When he tried to sit up he fell back to the spot he had secured for the night. He looked around him and saw people sprawled around him.

He had to get out of here. He couldn’t do this anymore. He had enough. He laid there and his body hurt so bad that he began to weep. He wept for what he had done last night but did not remember. He wept for his life that he refused to change because of his pride. He wanted to die.

People started stirring and he forced himself to sit up. People were looking in empty bottles to see if there may be one more drop. Some were eating left over foods that had set out all night.

Without saying a word he stood up and walked past the zombies and out the front door. No one said goodbye, no one cared. He walked down to the bus stop. Hopping on and taking the first empty seat he was dropped off at the city park.

Snow was falling gently and it was a few days before Christmas. He found a cold bench and sat down. Looking out through hazy eyes he spotted the sparkly lights from the biggest Christmas tree he had ever seen. The star resting on top seemed to be speaking to him as the lights bounced off of the snowflakes.

His eyes were locked on the glistening picture and he felt a strange heat coming over him. It made him afraid as it felt like something strange was entering his body. He continued to sit and watch the magic until his body became so cold he had to move on.

He walked without knowing where and his body followed his footsteps. He was now standing in front of a big church and he saw shelter. He made his way up the steps and snuggled up as close to the wall to keep the winds from blowing on him. He didn’t sleep and he didn’t rest but the nagging feeling that someone was following him could not be shaken.

Startled by the music he stepped a way from his spot and walked around to the front of the church. There on the virgin snow was a live manger. People were gathered around it in a circle with lit candles singing songs.

He stood just out of sight and listened. Words of love piercing his ears entering his soul and touching his heart. Your sins have been forgiven, Jesus loves you, I surrender all. Come to me and I will give you rest.

He slowly moved closer to get a better look at this group that was singing. Then he collapsed. The next thing he saw was two children leaning over him. candle3

Mom, he’s awake. Come look Mom. His eyes are open.

Through the next few days he remained at this family’s home. He was nursed with good hot food and a warm soft bed. He was sick though and fevers came and went. He eventually had to be admitted to the hospital.

. When a diagnosis came in he was moved to a special floor that held many patients with the same sickness as him.

He remained here for some time. He continued to feel as if someone was close to him but seeing no one he tried his best to ignore it. One morning he awoke to a burning temperature. He dreamed in and out of reality. One time he saw a man with a gentle smile. This man burned into his mind. He heard a soft whisper and a hand reaching out to him.