Who Says I Have To?


 

 

When will it begin

How will it happen

Why did this come upon me

What am I going to do?

 

Ever feel this way? I know it has to me. The four words, When, How, Why and What. Powerful words when used in sentences, don’t you think?

 

Why are some of us placed in suck jobs

How did I think I would ever love it

When is something better going to come along

What am I going to do?

 

Every day we are faced with decisions. The path we decide isn’t determined just by a what about me thought, like our youth tend to think it is.

 

What benefits will I see

How will we deal with these terrible hours

When am I going to have the real job I want

What am I going to do?

 

We think about how family and friends will be affected by our decisions. We wonder if we can really handle that big of a change and will it truly benefit my life and those around me. Will I have to have a babysitter. Will I be happy in a new location.

Change can be scary can’t it? The future, although many of us worry about something that hasn’t happened yet can be frightening. I believe that having money in our pocket is important when we first start out working for that paycheck.

Then we move on to have to work all the hours we can to feed the family and pay the bills. Next new thought could happen after a number of years when you realize you may not be an asset but a door mat; or you realize you are working out of habit, never considering a change.

At my age, I am in this category. Medical issues, age, lack of hiring power, I tend to lean more on the thought; what can I do the rest of my working days that I actually love? Where I can come home smiling and actually want to go back. What can I do where both parties feel challenged and yet rewarded.

I want so much more out of life yet and I am getting older. Writing is my love but it doesn’t pay the bills. Speaking of writing, I want to thank Susan and Jean for purchasing Dahlia from me today. It makes me feel good that someone thinks I am writing words worthy of reading.

Writing allows me to speak my thoughts, to dream, and think of  happy endings. I would still love to teach about MSA.  Some days I dream about my phone ringing off the hook with calls asking me to do a photo shoot.

I don’t know my future, but at my age I will keep my eyes open to new doors of opportunities. There is no law that says I have to do the same job that I have done for so many years. God makes all kind of miracles happen. I can be one of those too if I just ask him to show me an open door with my name on it.

night flower 3

 

Let’s Play all Day


Let’s Play all Day


Flowers speaking

Wind breezing

Rivers flowing

Green grass showing

Snow is leaving

Brown leaves grieving

Winter clouds

Speaking loud

Buds are peeking

Sap is seeping

Earth brand new

Morning dew

Raindrops fall

Children call

Swing sets wait

Open gates

Spring is near

Our future’s here

Breathe the air

Love everywhere

Lay the past to rest

Now take the test

Put all a way

Let’s play all day.

Written by,

T…

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Let’s Play all Day


Flowers speaking

Wind breezing

Rivers flowing

Green grass showing

Snow is leaving

Brown leaves grieving

Winter clouds

Speaking loud

Buds are peeking

Sap is seeping

Earth brand new

Morning dew

Raindrops fall

Children call

Swing sets wait

Open gates

Spring is near

Our future’s here

Breathe the air

Love everywhere

Lay the past to rest

Now take the test

Put all a way

Let’s play all day.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

02.25.2014

Spring

Josh Groban


Josh Groban


I continue to think positive about my day today. The caregiver is bathing Al and I take my daughter’s advice and stash the world away and pray and inspire myself through the music I have come to believe in. I pray for a strong mind and firm look at life today.

 

flower blooming

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Josh Groban


I continue to think positive about my day today. The caregiver is bathing Al and I take my daughter’s advice and stash the world away and pray and inspire myself through the music I have come to believe in. I pray for a strong mind and firm look at life today.

 

 

 

flower blooming

A Day Once Again Has Begun


A new day has dawned. I had 30 minutes all to myself before the caregiver arrived. I washed my face and then stared at the reflection looking back at me. Who was that woman?

I didn’t get any twinkle in the eyes. The mouth was in a neutral position. She stared at me as I gawked at her. I knew her once. I thought I knew her well.

Being a caregiver can make you another person that without realizing it, you suddenly do not recognize. My hair is the same color, but messy. My shoulders are slumped instead of proud.

I looked away as she did too. Putting that face far from my mind, I went into the kitchen and made some fresh coffee. I fed the cat and cleaned the cat box. I can do this without thought, just a motion that has become a habit.

As the coffee perked, I went in and looked on Al. The familiar breathing that we do without thinking, has  changed and I now stare and watch for rhythm. There were no even tones.

What once was smooth has now become sporadic. What was once taken for granted is now always in question. I walked out of his room, positive he is still alive and grab myself a cup of hot coffee.

It taste so good. Hot and fresh, a new cup, like a new day. A new beginning of this thing called life. I sit here and look outside the window as I try to guess what today may bring. Then I see the familiar car pulling into the drive-way. The sound of Rhino, our cat comes to me wanting his first petting of the morning. Life, a mysterious, taken for granted, takes place once again. I take a deep breath as I walk to the door and open it with a relaxed smile on my face. The moment of thought is gone and the day has begun once again.

new day

Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On


My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.

Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.valentinered rose

All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.

Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.

He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.

We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.

I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.

My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.

I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.

I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.

I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.

My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.

Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.

My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.