Life With No Voice
Seeing no one
Talks to no one.
Green grass showing
Snow is leaving
Brown leaves grieving
Buds are peeking
Sap is seeping
Earth brand new
Swing sets wait
Spring is near
Our future’s here
Breathe the air
Lay the past to rest
Now take the test
Put all a way
Let’s play all day.
A new day has dawned. I had 30 minutes all to myself before the caregiver arrived. I washed my face and then stared at the reflection looking back at me. Who was that woman?
I didn’t get any twinkle in the eyes. The mouth was in a neutral position. She stared at me as I gawked at her. I knew her once. I thought I knew her well.
Being a caregiver can make you another person that without realizing it, you suddenly do not recognize. My hair is the same color, but messy. My shoulders are slumped instead of proud.
I looked away as she did too. Putting that face far from my mind, I went into the kitchen and made some fresh coffee. I fed the cat and cleaned the cat box. I can do this without thought, just a motion that has become a habit.
As the coffee perked, I went in and looked on Al. The familiar breathing that we do without thinking, has changed and I now stare and watch for rhythm. There were no even tones.
What once was smooth has now become sporadic. What was once taken for granted is now always in question. I walked out of his room, positive he is still alive and grab myself a cup of hot coffee.
It taste so good. Hot and fresh, a new cup, like a new day. A new beginning of this thing called life. I sit here and look outside the window as I try to guess what today may bring. Then I see the familiar car pulling into the drive-way. The sound of Rhino, our cat comes to me wanting his first petting of the morning. Life, a mysterious, taken for granted, takes place once again. I take a deep breath as I walk to the door and open it with a relaxed smile on my face. The moment of thought is gone and the day has begun once again.
My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.
Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.
All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.
Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.
He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.
We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.
I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.
My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.
I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.
I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.
I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.
My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.
Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.
My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.
Hello my friends. Yesterday and last night Al was pretty calm. He is getting so many temperatures that we now use Tylenol on a regular basis starting after supper. The right side of his face continues to swell, almost completely closing his one eye.
The nurse was here yesterday and the one caregiver who comes twice a week. Both stated that Al has had a large decline since last Friday. We are now holding down to a minimum his liquids and foods.
He eats one jar of baby food and a couple sips of liquid. He is silently aspirating so anything he eats or drinks goes directly to his lungs instead of his stomach. The nurse explained how the food and liquids are actually making him worse at this point.
I don’t carry any hope anymore for Al’s health. All that ends up happening is that I get more sad. For Al there will not be a cure in time and I finally came to the decision that I was hurting myself by believing something that wasn’t there.
The sun is bright
The air is cold
A foot of snow
The winter so bold
Inside my heart
It’s warm and beats
One look at Al
Makes my knees so weak
There are some times
I feel so strong
But others I feel so weak
And some the days so long
I need to breathe
In brand new air
The illness has to leave
So my soul I dare to bare
One day I know
I will awake
And life will start to change
I will feel so out of range
Al will be gone
And I will feel
My tears will weep
But we both will heal.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, #DP, Daily Prompt
Write the blurb for the book jacket of the book you’d write, if only you had the time and inclination.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us BOOKS.
Today is January 24th, 2014. From the time the Bible was written until today, there have been many changes. Changes in interpretations. Changes in thinking. Morals, respect, people helping people; so many changes.
There have been discoveries in medical miracles, technology in electronics, more college opportunities, and yet fewer jobs.
More live on the government today than ever before. Those with job security are now pondering how they are going to survive through the golden years. Cutbacks have affected every age group.
If any of my words have hit home with you, please open the first page of my book and learn how you can ride peacefully through the storm. Let some of the past rules of life become your present. Feel the peace fall over you as you rest your head upon your pillow each night.
From the first page to the last, this book will enlighten you, refresh you and allow you to view the world in a different light. The world has changed, and we have followed it with confusion. Follow me and hopefully you will say on the last page, I am glad I bought this book.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt
Look in the mirror. Does the person you see match the person you feel like on the inside? How much stock do you put in appearances?
Photographers, artists, poets: show us MIRRORED.
I don’t recognize who that could be
Dare I point my finger at her
Maybe I should; I’m not sure
I think I recognize from years ago
A photo of a child complete and whole
But when I see visions in my mind today
I think that little girl went far a way
You say you knew her once before
That you would like to see her more
Help me please and take my hand
Guide me through and help me stand
Lead me through the years gone by
No more questions no more whys.
The chains do bind me
Locking me in my own mind
Ne’re letting me escape
Oh why must you do this
Have I not suffered enough
For I have tried to free myself
For so long now
But you tighten more
And you gag my lips
You keep me within your sight
For ever more I am yours
Your puppet on a string
I dance for you and sing
And afterwards I weep
As this is truly not who I am
Nor who I want to be
The chains, the fear
That once was yours, now mine
Help me O Lord, set me free
Let me for once be
The woman you cast in me.
Dragging The Line
Every minute passes
Hours go by then days
Wishing, praying and hoping
God will come some day
Watching his eyes open wide
Seeing his smile fade a way
Silence fills the room
As I watch the dragging line
Sleep comes more often
Food comes even less
My heart just crushes
As I see this illness
Just dragging his line
Sitting in his chair
Watching his chest rise
I feel a cold shiver
As I see the dragging line
One day he will find peace
And I will once more smile
But for now the minutes tick by
As I watch the dragging line go by.