How Do I Get Through The Lonely Day


I thought my family was coming today so I made no other plans; but to my mistake I missed the phone call so I began to clean up the mess from painting. It is amazing how you are staying in one room painting. Rearranging furniture, wall photos and miscellaneous and yet the entire house becomes a disaster.

So with three rooms painted you can imagine what my home looks like now. Al would be upset with me right now. I keep walking in and out of there trying to make the room the way he would like it. He would be trying to listen to Bonanza on the TV and he would say something but then try his best to ignore me.

While putting a way things where they belong I run across other items that go in another spot. I had to find my automobile policy showing I was now covered for the next year. While going through the desk I found many papers on Al.

The tears started rolling down my cheeks. I placed them in an Al pile and will file all at a later time. I had a three-tier, plastic storage cart from which I had used in Al’s room. It held all types of bandages, medicines and such.

I cried like a big baby while sorting out what needed to be discarded. I brought the unit out and placed it in my bathroom. Out of the cupboard I pulled out another container that had medicines. I cried once again disposing of outdated ointments etc.

There was a couple of pairs of finger nail clippers and some files that the caregiver and I used for Al. On one of the pairs of clippers was the smallest of nail remaining. Of course after noticing it I lost it.

I sat down on the bathroom floor and bawled my eyes out. I miss Al so bad today. I don’t think I am ready to deal with anymore than just the painting of his room yet. Especially not today when I am all alone.

The first warm day we have  had and I have no doubt if Al was here we would be going antiquing for sure. Al I miss you so much today. I hope you are seeing plenty of vintage cars and coca cola in heaven. When is this broken heart going to mend? It feels like never.

 

If anyone still wishes to help by donating to the nursing home fund, here is the link.

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/k1d4/unexpected-2-expenses-from-my-brother-s-death

robin

Look Down Upon Me


 

Look Down Upon Me

Is not my heart

Able to be healed

When it has been broken

For so long. I weep into

my hands and my

body trembles

As I see your

Face and your

Eyes say please

Help me

I hear your voice

But can’t make

Out the words

I fall to the floor

And hold my hands

Stretched up before me

Oh hear my cries

Wipe my tears

Take the misery a way

Bring peace unto us

Take a way the old

Bring forth the new

Let the day begin

With the calm of the night

And end with the bright sun light

Oh hear me oh  God

Look down upon me

With love in your soul

And tears in my eyes

Wipe this time a way

But leave memories so dear

Amen

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

03.04.2014

indians

 

 

http://youtu.be/vEBvo8Y4ZIY

The Fields Tell Me a Story


Yesterday brought smiles to my heart

Love flowed freely all around

Life could be no better

Babies on my hips

Bottles on the stove

Supper in the oven

Love flowed easily

Our covers always mussed

Then one day I seemed to notice

The quiet in the house

John buried under the oak tree

The kids all grown

I look out over the horizon

At the fields lined in a row

The wheat whispering softly

Echoing present and the past

I wait here gently rocking

Anxious  for noise to fill the air

And then I see the familiar color

Of the link I once had formed

Three smiling faces and waving hands

Coming to fill my space once again

With love, new memories to build

And I smiled to myself and the tears began to  fall

I am still alive I can feel my heart beating.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

02.12.2014

fields

 

Daily Prompt; The Luckiest People


http://dailypost.wordpress.com, #DP, Daily Prompt

Who was the first person you encountered today? Write about him or her.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us PEOPLE.

The first person my eyes laid on this morning was Al. Yes, he was breathing. I stopped in the doorway and just enjoyed watching those lungs go up and down. I know he will be better off when he is in heaven; but I am on the fence.

The sister in me tells him all the time that he has my permission to go. But there is a little fight going on inside my head. The emotion and the reality. It is so hard to let a loved one go without dragging behind it sorrow and sadness, tears and broken hearts.sorrow

I gaze over the person lying so still in that bed and I stand in shock as I visibly take in at the huge amount of weight loss. My heart skips a beat as I see this MSA winning over his spirit.

Rhino our cat sits by my side taking the view in also. He rubs against me as if trying to comfort me.DSC00159 Rhino spent a few hours guarding Al’s bedroom last night. I know in my heart that he knows the truth as I do. Rhino and I will carry our sadness together one day soon. He will climb in my lap and I shall shed tears on his fur.

Floods of pages race through my mind as I replay all of the fun things Al and I have done the past six years. I will never be able to walk into another auction without thinking Al is by my side. I will smile to myself as I vision him going through all of the items for sale, looking for a coca cola item.coca cola flag

Going past a buffet restaurant will always bring a tear to my eye as I recount the numerous times Al made choices without any help.

I haven’t blogged about Al in a couple of days. There is nothing much to say. Pretty much everything is the same and yet there are slight hints that his time is nearing.

He is sleeping most of the day and nights now. He is eating very little. Each night at bedtime he request I pray for him to have God deliver Mom and Dad to come take him home.

Most of the conversations between him and me are when he is hurting or needing a drink. He rarely ask for food and when he does eat, it is mainly still the ice-cream. When his eyes are open, sometimes I wonder if he is here with me as he seems to stare straight ahead.

There is a peace in his room that I can not describe. It is as if someone other than me is rocking him gently, keeping him warm until the final call is heard.rocking-chair

Every night I give permission for Al to go on to heaven, as long as he saves me a spot. Those big, blue eyes look into mine and I know without a doubt he will do this.Al and Rhino 3

The angels will fly down and take him gently to heaven where he will once again smile.Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaenic

Tears will fall as I say my final goodbye, remembering he was and is the best brother in the whole wide world.

I love you buddy, don’t ever forget.

 

 

Oh So Beautiful


I was reading a forward a friend sent me and I just loved it. I thought, I bet my friends at WP will love it also, so I am going to share it with you.

 

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I’m not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said ” it’s me.”

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It’s possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over… I smile and watch you yawning
and say “good-night, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out…then come home to be with me.

Author ~ Sammie Klaehn

dog affraid of thunderstorms

God Is Good, This I Know


Several years ago on a cold winter day I had one husband, one daughter, age five, and a baby boy under one year old. The warnings had been placed and yet I didn’t really understand what the word blizzard meant.

All I could think of at that time is we had food, we had a roof over  our head. We had water and heat, and my husband may be home for a day or two from work. Now, let’s all play house and forget the outside world.

Slowly I got first-hand of what a blizzard was. It meant no going outside. No hopping in the car and running to the store. Trapped, yes that is a good word. Trapped inside with a baby with very few diapers remaining, but a family I loved.

The snow fell and fell.snow trees. The blowing snow and drifting locked us inside our house as the door wouldn’t budge to that outside world.

I started getting nervous when the baby ran too low on diapers. Today, being much older and wiser, I would have known I don’t have to use those Pampers. I could have substituted with different things I had at home.

But no, I freaked. My husband managed to open a window in the living room and he learned that the snow was as high as the bottom of the window sill. He dressed warmly and went out the window. He was able to stand up right away and looked in the window with a shit-eating grin and waving to us, he wandered off through the snow to the shed.

He got the shovel and started clearing the front steps so the door would open. He then went on and built a tunnel, more like an igloo, from the window he had crawled out of. He and our daughter did have a good time playing in that, but I was still without those diapers.

I ended up calling the police and they in turn sent a snowmobile out and when I saw him arrive he had a package of diapers on his lap.

I thanked him way too many times and offered him a steaming hot cup of hot chocolate but he refused. He made it clear there were other emergencies to attend to. I was so thankful for him, I will never forget that day.

Being in a blizzard does bring a family closer together. No work, no school, just spending time together in the snow playing, giggling and relaxing. Eating and sleeping in late, what a life that was those few days.

Now today, I am thanking God instead of a snowmobile. I prayed so much last night that God keep Al and me safe. He not only kept us safe, our water is still on.  There is heat inside. I was able to bathe Al this morning and feed him. I was able to take a shower, do a load of laundry.

Al was very restless last night but all is good. We have the remaining of today with extreme cold weather. I bundled up and went outside and cleared one path of snow a way on the wheelchair ramp. My car fought me starting but did turn over. It loved me by the time I had left it run for fifteen minutes and for starting for me I brushed all the snow off of it.

Minus 35 degrees for today and tomorrow morning will be a high of zero, no negatives. So once again I will ask God to keep Al and me safe and I will add all elderly, disabled, sick and rich and poor to remain safe and warm during this blizzard of 2014 here in Indiana.

God is good, yes Jesus loves me. How do I know? I am sitting here writing to you aren’t I?snowflakesjesuslookingdown

50 Years Doesn’t Change Too Much


Holding Al’s hand and listening to him breathe I find myself racing back to my past. I am standing at the end of the lane. The small dead-end lane leading to no where that the world recognizes; but to all who lived in the tiny street, this was home.

I pull myself in two pieces, a child and a woman. I see Al, my little brother with his big blue eyes and wide innocent smile. He is wearing his hat with the ball on top and the flap ear pieces that cover when the winds blow.

He wants to stop at the candy store. A tiny white  house that was converted into a public grocery store. Oh this was no ordinary business. This was a mom and pop store. Filled with those emergency food items for moms. Milk, eggs and bread. For dads there were car accessories, batteries and fishing lures.

For us kids it was a place better than heaven. Glass cases filled with shelves of candies. Fingerprints remained from other little fingers of kids pointing to this candy and that. The owner sharing freebies of new candies that came in. Wanting our honest opinions he would say. What did we really think of it?

Al tugs at my jacket and points towards the door with the big silver handle. I can’t resist. I take his hand and we walk in to the smells of friendship, hugs and laughter. Al puts his fingers on the glass placing his individual mark that he was here also to pick his favorite pieces.

I had a quarter in my pocket. I pulled it out and Al looked at the shining coin and we both grinned at each other as we knew we were leaving the store with pockets filled with special treats.

All the way down the lane Al licked his sucker and I made my pieces of chocolate melt in my mouth until I could no longer feel it. About half-way home I let go of my brother’s hand and I skipped and jumped all the way to the front door.

I would look back and see Al looking at me, frozen in spot, afraid he would be forced to walk the rest of the way home alone. I hurried and threw open the door and tossed my books on the couch and took off running for Al and grabbing his hand we walked home hand in hand, me his big sister and protector, he the scared little boy of the big world..

So many memories, so many times the two of us did this together. Now as I stand here looking down at my grown brother’s face I weep into my heart. I see the big blue-eyed child now laying here afraid once again.

Afraid to let go of my hand. Afraid he will be left behind. Afraid to walk ahead without me. My legs feel weak and my heart sobs as I see where life has not really changed that much through these past 50 years.

Al and I still need each other. He still seeks me out for comfort and I reach out to him today as if once again I am caring for that little boy all over again. God has decided that we can’t get too much closer as brother and sister.

He has discovered a new job for me and Al. He wants Al to help him with some project way above what  my own imagination can dream.

As I look into my brother’s face and I see the pain and sweat from this terrible disease my heart finally breaks in two slices. I look down at his puffy and swollen hands and remember how once I had grabbed hold and walked him into that little store. Now just touching his hand makes him flinch in pain.

His legs that once rode swiftly by me on his new bicycle now lay frozen in time. His feet that once walked side by side with me now lay twisted. No longer the shape of what we know of as feet.

I can no longer understand Al’s words but I can still read his eyes and he is letting me know he is afraid. I reach out to him and tell him I love him. I assure him I love him and I will not allow him to walk this journey alone, just as I didn’t let him walk that little lane from the candy store home alone.Al and me Christmas 2013

The Journey Continues


With the sleep I stole yesterday through the day it didn’t bother me too much getting up with Al through the night last night. He and I had many conversations during the evening and the middle of night.

I could clearly tell that Al  has made peace with himself and the world. When he did sometimes look me in the eye I could feel a calm staring at me. It has been so odd lately this week.

With Al being a massive routine person it seemed strange to no longer turn the fans on for him. At times he has asked for the TV to be turned off. It seems that silence has become his friend as his mind ponders on his life.

I only interact with his personal thoughts when he has asked me. I feel it is a very private process and I have no right to interfere. The night before we discussed his Grandma who lives in Florida. We also talked about an aunt who resides in Florida also.

There is pain in memories that Al and I both have carried for a couple of years now. I have forgiven the harsh words, and have moved forward; but when Al brings it back up I can feel a sting return.

I didn’t know how to handle it, since we could not go to Florida so he could speak to them in person. So I became the third person, repeating Al’s words to God that Al said and doing it out loud so he could be sure that God was getting his messages.

It seemed by the time we both found sleep he had come to an inner peace. He had also brought up last night that he wished he could say good-bye to family members. This part hurt me terribly and I can’t help but add I got a little angry.

The people who Al mentioned I have already previously contacted and let them know that he was reaching out to them. I have tried my best to get people in Al’s life to understand that he may be mentally challenged but not stupid. He misses people and has hoped that he would get those visits.

Al only has issues with comprehension, other than that he knows who his family and friends are. He also realizes who has not contacted him in some way and then he cries, telling me he did something wrong. I can do no more for him on this topic unless I want to get on bended knee to those and beg, and I refuse to do that.

Last night Al said he thought he was done with everything that was important to him but for one thing, the will. He said he needed to make a will. I asked around for a video recorder but I never located one.

The next best thing I could do for him was to take pen and paper and let Al write his own will, with me doing the writing. I know that it would not hold up in a court of law, but it was sealed and complete in Al’s mind.

He told me about his coca cola collection. Who he wanted to have certain things. He talked about his vintage car collection. He had been obviously thinking about this very much because he had me write down his clothes, dresser, TV, shelving units. Just about everything in his room was added to the will and separated.

When he felt he was done I read back to him what I had written and he felt content with it. I drew a line and Al signed it. I had silent tears running down my cheeks and all I could do is reach out and rub his arm and his fingers.

He talked then about the ladder to the sky and the little lights he was seeing. I told him that if he decided to leave during the night to always remember how much I loved him. I explained that I would never forget him and reminded him how special he was to me in my life.

He wrapped his free hand over mine and started to cry, but I heard clearly through his tears saying to me, ” I love you sis. You are the best sis I have ever had.”kids sleddingpurple candles100_0749

Reliving The Days


 

Reliving The Days

Pictures from long ago

Bring a smile to my face and so

I will relive what once was true

Al and I standing under the tree in new shoes

A brand new toy did Santy bring

For Mom it was a sparkly ring

Dad smiling from ear to ear

With all his tools and gear

Crackles of laughter I still hear

As I am sitting here

Remembering the good old days

When life was good no illness in the way

And as I smile and remember back

The tears do fall upon my lap

As I see how life really goes

And there is one thing I know

I am thankful for my memories today

As I relive the old- fashioned days.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

11/29/2013

me and brother

I Remember, I Remember


I Remember, I Remember

I remember your smell

Your touch, your kiss

The way you made me feel

When you looked into my eyes

My inner burning fire

Needing, wanting

I remember, I remember

Through broken tears

And torn heart

Watching you from

Behind hidden shadows

I still love you babe

But you turned

Your back on me

I pick my heart up

And dust it off

Trying to mend

The broken pieces

I remember, I remember

The way we were

Now you walk hand in hand

With another, I turn

And walk a way

Sobbing I will

Always remember.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

11.22.2013

 

 

 

remembering_you_by_glitcher-d48d07z