This is a blow steam off short blog. No story, just release.
For the last several month and even now my brother picks. For some reason the past couple of days his picking has increased from medium to high-speed. Every single time I look at him, his hands are picking each others fingers, or nails, or he has his hands rubbing his forehead, and rubbing it until he makes his skin red. I have also seen him rubbing his arms, just searching for a tiny bump or something to pick.
It is driving me nuts! I have made numerous suggestions to him to get his mind occupied with doing something other than pick. I have offered to walk beside him while he rides his scooter, just offered to have him go ride his scooter alone. I have bought him so many replicas of old-time cars. He has enough that he can look at them, study them, but he won’t take them out of their boxes. He just lines them on his shelf, and there they sit. He has so many pieces of Coca-Cola, I can not even count them, but they sit. His collection of price guide books mainly sit on his bed beside him, once in a while I see him pick one up.
I have also noticed that he isn’t really digesting any of his Bible anymore. Instead, he flips through the pages.
I hesitate anymore to take him to the shopping stores, as he cries constantly, because he has lost the idea on how to make those scooters work, or which way to turn the wheel if he wants to turn down an aisle, so even though we are there, my mind is wishing I was back at home.
I know the reasons, but can’t fix them. The Parkinson’s has ripped his meaning of life apart. He has no desires for anything in this world any longer. He loves to talk about things he used to do, but I can not allow him to do these anymore, because most of them require out-of-town driving. I have given in and bent over backwards for him, but I hate driving. I always have. Out of town driving is worse for me, as it can cause my old-time panic attacks to return. There are some things I just won’t give in to, in order to protect my own health.
I can not change his views on life, because he doesn’t want them changed. He likes sitting in his recliner, in his room, with little or no lights on and just the TV light on for him. He is getting to the place where he wants to be alone most of the time, and my mind is telling me this is not good for him, that it can cause him more emotional pains and drama.
Today, I am ready to give in. I am ready to take my mind and let it go. I am tired of trying to please him, tired of trying to be more creative than yesterday, tired of spending unneeded monies to bring those smiles.
The weird thing for me to understand is the talk. When people are here, he talks a mile a minute, about cars and places he used to go. I have tried taking him to revisit his past with the car shows, but once we get there, the tears start, as he is not able to thoroughly enjoy his time out, so we come back home. I end up frustrated, sometimes angry, and just want him to leave me alone, and let me take a nap.
This sounds like the old wicked witch from the movie, The Wizard Of Oz, speaking, but I needed to release, so I can continue the day by fixing his lunch. I know he is in his room now, counting down the minutes until he can come out to eat.
Although I always tell him he doesn’t need to stay in his room, he doesn’t want to be out here.
Is it me, his dad, his illness? I don’t know, and right now I just don’t care.
Darn, this sounds bad, but I am really a loving sister with an itch to bitch.