My head is on the pillow
The cat is by my side
The spot you lay is cold
My soul is open wide.
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry
One More Time.
One more chance to breathe
One more chance to see
One more chance to be
A gift from God to me.
October 8th, 2013
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry
Oh Lord hear our cries
We know not why
Tears in our eyes
We only sigh
You know why
Let us say goodbye
To the dark skies
Let them move on by
Let the sun shine high
In this I pray Amen.
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry
Sometimes, like now
I feel like I have to
Know all answers
But do I really
Have that right?
Am I special?
Am I God?
Why is it I
Can not be satisfied
That things I pray for
Are being answered
In ways I do not see
To be content and
Live the life I
Have been granted
Is more than
So I come to
You my God
And pray for
I do not understand all
For only you
Have all the answers.
Why is it sometimes life
Does not seem fair
We do everything right
We take truths instead of dares
The ones who wrong and run a way
Escape the price to pay
Not knowing any other way
And then along comes the news
The one we can only dread
It throws emotions back and forth
It weighs and dulls our head
We really aren’t as tough you know
We can be taken down
All it takes is one wrong word
To send us to the ground
I am not on a poor me trip
I admit I have a bit of fear
Now that it is most likely I have
What my brother has had for years
So I come to you dear Lord above
I come to you and pray
Please let me finish my care for him
Let me be sick another day
For I have seen the tremors too
Going on for sometime now
I ask you Lord to hold off on me
I come to you and bow
Please let me be safe and free from harm
Give me strength to see him through
Then Lord you can take me and have my all
And do what you need to do.
I don’t know how the body works. I can’t figure out how you can take such high doses of medications, guaranteed to make you go to sleep land, but it doesn’t happen. This was my brother last evening.
He had only an hour and a half sleep the night before. He was a wake all day long except a small cat nap. He was wired. Not from the medications but from the tremors. He was like a beautiful butterfly never-resting. Visiting each flower, never stopping, never staying.
As I sat there watching him I suddenly got angry. Some of you may agree with what I am about to say. Yet others will think bull crap. No matter, I have to write what I believe. I realized the fight that was going on for Al and me.
Not only are we fighting this terrible M.S.A. we are fighting the dignity battle, the loss of what one was able to do and still remember it. The depression that kicks in, lack of eating. I could go on and on but why bore you.
What I realized is there was someone outside our box that was having a kick-ass good time at Al and my expense. There was a thing, a person, a particle that was interrupting our lives and it dawned on me it was none other than Satan.
I had to look outside the box. I had to get the best picture my brain could focus on.
There is a lot of talk about God in our house. Heaven and death are mentioned multiple times throughout the day. Al is getting closer to meeting God and Satan is throwing a fit.
How do we fight Satan? How do we not give in when we can barely understand something we have never seen? Faith, yes, this is the answer. The word of reading God’s word brings us strength in God.
People praying is another way to remain strong. Al and I have people all over the world praying. Oh Satan you just don’t like this party you have attended do you? Admit it, you have had your grasp on us so many times, but it is frightening you right now.
You can feel it, you can see it, that God is going to win this one. You will be the big loser you filthy beast. You will rot in hell as you have been promised.
Al was staring at me and I kept asking him what was it that he needed. He didn’t answer. He would just tremor, cry and look into my eyes. God must have whispered in my ear, or one of our angels was near me.
I got up and went and got my Bible. I brought it back to Al’s bedroom.
Silently I prayed to God. I can’t remember which verses Lord I need to be reading in order to help Al. Please take over and help me flip to the right verses. Thank-you God ahead of time for answering this prayer.
I started with a couple of Psalms that I had been told about by a blogging friend.
Then I started flipping to pages and would come across a verse here and there that I thought may help.
I read to Al for about fifteen minutes. I stopped after the last verse and looked up at Al and he was quiet. His tremors were at rest. His head was even laying against the pillow. He was on his back looking peaceful and asleep.
I laid my bible down and looked at the clock. It was almost 1:00. God had helped me to find the way to bring rest for Al. It seemed to easy, and it probably was if I would have just considered my options.
Instead, I had been stressing about how I was going to get some sleep. I am not going to lie. I am tired as I read this. Way before the sun could begin to rise Al called out to me. But, thanks to God I had a few hours of sleep instead of one.
Life is new today. Al and I will have battles to fight. But for three hours during the wee hours of the night, the war between Satan and God was over. There was peace and rest. God had lowered a soft covering of closed eyes. He had blanketed Al with sleep dust and we slept.
Thank-you Lord for carrying us through the night. I know you are always here if I would just ask you will do everything for our good. I get too wrapped up in my earthly body. I stress and I probably will stress again. I cry out and I know I will continue. I hurt and I am tired, but so is Al. We are creatures that do not deserve your love Lord, but you give it to me any ways. Thank-you for dying on that cross for Al and me.
What I didn’t tell you is that I had a little bit of a melt down Saturday night, alone in my bedroom. I had climbed the ladder and got to the step that said,”We Won”. When Al got so sick those few days, I came crashing down to the bottom step which said,”Get Real”
I had seen with my own eyes how wonderful Al had been the past several days. I quickly let myself believe that our prayers had been answered. So many prayers from a lot of you. God answers prayers and he answered mine.
But then he got worse. I have since learned from Hospice that this will be a common thing. The Hospice nurse told me today that he will have more good days then bad in the beginning and later more bad than good.
So when she and I talked today and I learned that he had an excellent day, I turned around to see if anyone was watching or listening. When I saw Al carrying on a conversation, drinking his pop, and smiling, I swear my heart burst straight out of my chest cavity.
Then I suddenly stopped and remembered back to last weekend when I had my melt down. I thanked God for today being a great day for Al, but I am staying on the step that says get real. The step above it says” Be Happy”. The next step says,” Live for today, enjoy what is in it. Don’t look ahead, just yet.”
Diane wrote another prayer that I found so emotional. I feel she has so much talent. I can’t help but share her works with you. I believe she read my post about Prayer From My Heart. I didn’t ask, I am just thinking so.
Here is the poem she wrote after I posted mine.
Wish I could help you through this sorrow
And calm your fears through each new morrow
And show you life beyond this pain
To ease your worries, to keep you sane
When loved ones leave they never go
Their memories stay and ever grow
But what we miss are tender things
Like a long warm hug and what love brings
I’d tell you life will be alright
To comfort you through each long night
But deep down in my concerned heart
There’s nothing sure that I can part
For you must feel the test of time
And believe that God will show a sign
That He is with you night and day
He feels your pain, and hears you pray
And never will He leave your side
For all His children he loves with pride
I only wish I could help you flee
From this broken heart to set you free
But I will leave that up to God
For by your side He’ll always trod
His tender touch will help you heal
Just embrace His trust and know He’s real
- I Couldn’t Help But Cry As I Read This (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- When you stop praying.. (spicedupcrap.wordpress.com)
- When words are not enough (yackityshmackity.com)
- Heaven (reinvented9.wordpress.com)
- Prayer with God (yies1.wordpress.com)
- Making Time for God (awisewomaninthemaking.com)
- Rose and Linda’s Journal Some Times It Causes Me to Tremble (momsfirstscreenn.wordpress.com)
- Remembering a Daughter (incarnationandmodernity.wordpress.com)
You see, I planned to announce it to all of you at the same time. So instead of ignoring her I just simply stated a simple fact. The prayer was answered.
Now when she read that I bet she was asking herself, what prayer? My gosh, this girl asks for so many prayers I don’t know which one it is.
Then I posted last night about the meeting, fully intending to give the answer and once again I failed to do so.
So, with a big drum roll please; http://youtu.be/itAOGRiYRLI
Now everyone prayed with me to change the attitude of him and let him hear the true words I would speak.
He did show up. I first asked him about his wife. Then I proceeded to tell him about my story and the fact that the bus needed to actually stop by the house to pick-up Al. I told him what a heavy burden it would be if I had to load Al and the wheelchair here at the house. Then unload Al and the chair at the exit road and then repeat it at the end of the day. I explained that he had given orders to this bus company that no bus could enter here.
He looked at me and said, “I just don’t remember saying that. I see no reason why a bus can’t come back here and pick your brother up.”
“If I typed out a statement giving your consent would you consider signing it?”
“Yes, I will.”
Answer given, prayer answered. God scores another touch down in my book. Thank-you everyone and of course thank-you God. Monday morning Al will be picked up here at the house and will go to the Day Program Monday through Friday. This will be so good for him. I am hoping it will lift his spirits. I pray that he forgets about his pain for a while. I hope he has a super good time.
I just can’t believe it sometimes how awesome the good Lord is. He never leaves me, it is me who drifts a way and questions myself.
- Sneak Peek: Message, Setting Lofty Goals (summermakeover.wordpress.com)
- My Prayer Car (thewritelife2.wordpress.com)
- Two survivors : Earn Praying Souls (propelsteps.wordpress.com)
- Living an Unhurried Life – Prayer (cwoznicki.com)
- Our Prayer Matters (wheregraceflows.wordpress.com)
- Prayer (sjbrown58.wordpress.com)
- Pick-Me-Up Prayer… (thosewomen.wordpress.com)
- Hello… God? Can you hear me now? [The Prayer Series, part 2] (journalingheart.com)
- A Child’s Prayer (anthonystephens.wordpress.com)
- Only a Prayer Away (thebeggardanced.com)
It is Thursday evening,7:30, and all is quiet. I feel like I am waiting for a package to arrive and maybe I am.
I have had some information for a week now but was waiting until I could tell you about it until I knew I wouldn’t break down half-way through the post.
I will say first off that anyone who prayed for Al and me and the situation about Hospice being involved did a great powerful job of praying. The prayer was answered. Hospice is going to be involved all the way.
The hours have been split between Hospice and the Day Care program. Al will have his bathing and dressing done between all of them. He will have 24 hour nurses at his door. He will be checked on regularly.
He even gets to remain active out in the community. I thought this program would end once he came home, but God wants him to be as happy as possible, so it remains.
I had the meeting with the State, the Day Program and the facility this morning. It went well until the administrator spoke his mind. He was considering not letting Al be dismissed because of the pressing debt we owe this place.
I was torn in pieces. My brother wants to come home so bad and yet he still owes over $3,000.00. To have to tell Al that he could not go home was enough for me to want to run and run and run. Just hide, never to have to see Al’s sad face and tears galore. I couldn’t deal with it.
Instead I spoke up and told him what I thought and what the Ombudsman thought and I told him that I would be following the directions of the Ombudsman, and that he would release Al tomorrow as planned or I would call the State back right here in the office in front of all.
He smiled that wicked smile, and then said I better make sure that bill is paid. I have 11 days left if anyone at all would like to make a small contribution. Any amount is helpful. The address is
I won’t ask again as the time for this fundraiser is almost expired. I want to thank all of you who have already helped and I want to apologize for asking one more time for help.
At this time, the hospital bed, wheelchair and lift chair have all been delivered. I have his bed made and the door is remaining open to open the room up some.
Excuse me while I choke a little. I told myself I am not going to cry. It is just I get tired. Tired of fighting everyone to get what Al deserves. Tired of the family that is left that never comes to visit. Tired of fighting the system, tired of the nursing facility, tired of seeing bottles and bottles of medicines and tired of sad news.
The news that I learned last Friday was not good. Al has another diagnosis on top of his Parkinson’s Disease. It is called M.S.A. It mimics Parkinson’s very much, but there are changes that happen that can place it in detailed form.
So many things have fallen into place this week. Why Al sweats so bad, why his illness has progressed so quickly. Why he cries more often than not. M.S.A. attacks the spinal cord plus the central nervous system and messes with the electrical system. His heart doesn’t know how to beat properly. He can have heart beats up to 300 per minute. The sweating is involved. Depression is very high. M.S.A. stands for Multiple System Atrophy.
I didn’t realize that the doctor had faxed this new information to the facility this week. I couldn’t figure out why so many were coming up to me and patting me on the back offering, I am sorry’s.
Then someone told me they knew. They knew what I had been running and hiding from. They knew that Al’s life had changed. Now I know for sure why Hospice is involved. Now I understand why Al is coming home on this precise date. M.S.A. has a much shorter life span, and the news that I had to listen to from the doctor was, Al will probably not be here in six months. I want him to have everything he needs to be comfortable. He will end up aspirating from this. Food will go down into his lungs and this will take his life. I want you to have nurses around the clock for you to utilize.
These words still haunt me a week later. Life is going to be the best I can make it. For Al and for me. I am going to make a new memory out of every single day he has left. God knew all along what was going to happen. His plan was perfect.
So from here on out, it will be all of you, Hospice, Day Program and me, and I will get through this, because God knows I can do it.
Each day I will carry hope, faith and friendship until the very end.