Look Down Upon Me


 

Look Down Upon Me

Is not my heart

Able to be healed

When it has been broken

For so long. I weep into

my hands and my

body trembles

As I see your

Face and your

Eyes say please

Help me

I hear your voice

But can’t make

Out the words

I fall to the floor

And hold my hands

Stretched up before me

Oh hear my cries

Wipe my tears

Take the misery a way

Bring peace unto us

Take a way the old

Bring forth the new

Let the day begin

With the calm of the night

And end with the bright sun light

Oh hear me oh  God

Look down upon me

With love in your soul

And tears in my eyes

Wipe this time a way

But leave memories so dear

Amen

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

03.04.2014

indians

 

 

http://youtu.be/vEBvo8Y4ZIY

An MSA Caregiver on a Yo-Yo


How does a yo-yo go? Up and down, up and down, nice and steady, slow then quick.yo yo

This is how I feel. Slow and sleepy. Sometimes full of energy. Days of quick thinking, others too tired for one thought.

I wonder if this is how other caregivers feel? I wish in some ways they did, then I wouldn’t feel so stupid. And other ways I hope they don’t because this is no fun.

It seems anymore Al’s body is totally frozen. Me or the caregiver do everything we can to keep him comfortable. He has some good days which allow some laughter in the house. But mainly there are bad days, scary moments, when we hold our breath, wondering if this will be Al’s last day.

You know? I hate feeling that way. Who in the world keeps track of breathing, pain, and lack of movement, coughing, swallowing? It isn’t even normal. To a stranger it may seem like this gal is a human freak.

Today, Al was in one of his needy moods. He wanted everything and nothing. He was never satisfied. His biggest complaint was he wanted out of bed. I have heard this many times. I know that last winter when I was sick for 30 days, I spent most of it in bed.

I know how much worse I felt not being able to feel free enough to move around. I kept pondering on that as I kept hearing Al pleading to get up. So while the caregiver was here today I decided to do an experiment.

It wasn’t so much for me. I already knew the answers. It was more for Al. I wanted him to see for himself that he could not get up. I guess it was a test that I hoped Al passed mentally.

So the caregiver and I grabbed a hold of him from all sides and we set him on the side of the bed. The first thing I noticed is his legs. I hate to be so graphic but in order for you to understand how they reacted I have to speak it.

His legs reminded me of a fish just out of water. They flopped around with no control at all. Soon they quieted down and just hung there. I then asked him how he felt but he didn’t answer.

He wanted to stand. Before I answered that I asked him to hold his head up so he could see what he was doing, but he failed. He raised his head about half an inch but it wouldn’t budge above that.

I asked him to raise his legs to see if he had any control. One leg went up a couple of inches and the other didn’t rise. With the head being dropped so long I was afraid he would cut off his own breathing, so we placed him back in bed.

He still told me he wanted to try to stand. So I guess my test failed and he repeated his request for getting up. Now this is emotionally draining to me. I couldn’t please him and I couldn’t do as he wanted.

We are now using the fingers for yes and no answers. One finger for yes, two for no.  I can no longer hear or understand what he is saying. When I lean in close to him I can hear his voice, but still can’t make out the words.

Now he is laying there with no facial expressions. He ate two bites of supper. His hands are so swollen and puffy. I asked the nurse why this has been happening the past few days and she stated circulation, or lack of.

I hear Al rattling but we can’t use the Aspiration machine as the mucus is too far down in his throat, and yet his lungs don’t sound bad at all. He is not swallowing his own drool, and I think it is mixing with the mucus, making him cough so much.

So this is one of those bad days. I get so tired of reading my print back and seeing what a pathetic creature I have turned into. I have considered not writing anymore until this is over, but I don’t think I would survive as well as I have without your comments.

Let’s just face facts. I am not as strong as a Christian should be. I get too tired and too emotionally drained. I try, I really try to be positive, but it is darn hard, let me tell you. I keep finding myself begging God to release Al from his pain. Thousands of prayers are being said for him daily and yet he lingers.

If only I could make these last days worth living, but alas, I can not. All I can do is hold his hand, rub his arm, reposition him, keep him dry and offer him food. The rest is up to him and God.

I carry guilt over not doing better for him. Sorrow from watching him become lifeless, and anger at why he is being allowed to continue on with no purpose. I am sorry, today is one of those bad days. I hope for a better day tomorrow, but I need to be realistic.

Al has seen our parents and Jesus. He truly is the lucky one. He is my brother who has fought this battle with all his might. His legs may have flopped like a fish out of control, but his soul is beautiful like the fish of the sea.

fish

More Thoughts


awesome skies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Missing You

My head is on the pillow
The cat is by my side
The spot you lay is cold
My soul is open wide.

Written by,

Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry

 

One More Time.

One more chance to breathe
One more chance to see
One more chance to be
A gift from God to me.

October 8th, 2013
Written by,
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry

 

Oh Lord.

Oh Lord hear our cries
We know not why
Tears in our eyes
We only sigh
You know why
Let us say goodbye
To the dark skies
Let them move on by
Let the sun shine high
In this I pray Amen.

Written by,
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry
Oct 08/2013

https://www.facebook.com/poetryinthought

nature skies

 

Do I Have That Right?


Sometimes, like now

I feel like I have to

Know all answers

But do I really

Have that right?

Am I special?

Am I  God?

Why is it I

Can not be satisfied

That things I pray for

Are being answered

In ways I do not see

To be content and

Live the life I

Have been granted

Is more than

I deserve

So I come to

You my God

And pray for

Acceptance, to

Acknowledge that

I do not understand all

For only you

The almighty

Have all the answers.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

09/2013v_10_unsolved_mysteries_of_the_world_001_4fd4855e01ab2

Lord I Need Time


Why is it sometimes life

Does not seem fair

We do everything right

We take truths instead of dares

 

The ones who wrong and run a way

Escape the price to pay

And then tigersthere are others who stay and fight

Not knowing any other way

 

And then along comes the news

The one we can only dread

It throws emotions back and forth

It weighs and dulls our head

 

We really aren’t as tough you know

We can be taken down

All it takes is one wrong word

To send us to the ground

 

I am not on a poor me trip

I admit I have a bit of fear

Now that it is most likely I have

What my brother has had for years

 

So I come to you dear Lord above

I come to you and pray

Please let me finish my care for him

Let me be sick another day

 

For I have seen the tremors too

Going on for sometime now

I ask you Lord to hold off on me

I come to you and bow

 

Please let me be safe and free from harm

Give me strength to see him through

Then Lord you can take me and have my all

And do what you need to do.

 

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

08/30/2013

The Battle


I don’t know how the body works. I can’t figure out how you can take such high doses of medications, guaranteed to make you go to sleep land, but it doesn’t happen. This was my brother last evening.

He had only an hour and a half sleep the night before. He was a wake all day long except a small cat nap. He was wired. Not from the medications but from the tremors.Butterfly-butterflies-9186479-500-500 He was like a beautiful butterfly never-resting. Visiting each flower, never stopping, never staying.

As I sat there watching him I suddenly got angry. Some of you may agree with what I am about to say. Yet others will think bull crap. No matter, I have to write what I believe. I realized the fight that was going on for Al and me.

Not only are we fighting this terrible M.S.A. we are fighting the dignity battle, the loss of what one was able to do and still remember it. The depression that kicks in, lack of eating. I could go on and on but why bore you.

What I realized is there was someone outside our box that was having a kick-ass good time at Al and my expense. There was a thing, a person, a particle that was interrupting our lives and it dawned on me it was none other than Satan.satan

I had to look outside the box. I had to get the best picture my brain could focus on.

There is a lot of talk about God in our house. Heaven and death are mentioned multiple times throughout the day. Al is getting closer to meeting God and Satan is throwing a fit.

How do we fight Satan? How do we not give in when we can barely understand something we have never seen? Faith, yes, this is the answer. The word of reading God’s word brings us strength in God.

People praying is another way to remain strong. Al and I have people all over the world praying. Oh Satan you just don’t like this party you have attended do you? Admit it, you have had your grasp on us so many times, but it is frightening you right now.

You can feel it, you can see it, that God is going to win this one. You will be the big loser you filthy beast. You will rot in hell as you have been promised.

Al was staring at me and I kept asking him what was it that he needed. He didn’t answer. He would just tremor, cry and look into my eyes. God must have whispered in my ear, or one of our angels was near me.AnimatedAngel

I got up and went and got my Bible. I brought it back to Al’s bedroom.

Silently I prayed to God. I can’t remember which verses Lord  I need to be reading in order to help Al. Please take over and help me flip to the right verses. Thank-you God ahead of time for answering this prayer.

I started with a couple of Psalms that I had been told about by a blogging friend.

Then I started flipping to pages and would come across a verse here and there that I thought may help.

I read to Al for about fifteen minutes. I stopped after the last verse and looked up at Al and he was quiet. His tremors were at rest. His head was even laying against the pillow. He was on his back looking peaceful and asleep.

I laid my bible down and looked at the clock. It was almost 1:00. God had helped me to find the way to bring rest for Al. It seemed to easy, and it probably was if I would have just considered my options.

Instead, I had been stressing about how I was going to get some sleep. I am not going to lie. I am tired as I read this. Way before the sun could begin to rise Al called out to me. But, thanks to God I had a few hours of sleep instead of one.

Life is new today. Al and I will have battles to fight. But for three hours during the wee hours of the night, the war between Satan and God was over. There was peace and rest. God had lowered a soft covering of closed eyes. He had blanketed Al with sleep dust and we slept.

Thank-you Lord for carrying us through the night. I know you are always here if I would just ask you will do everything for our good. I get too wrapped up in my earthly body. I stress and I probably will stress again. I cry out and I know I will continue. I hurt and I am tired, but so is Al. We are creatures that do not deserve your love Lord, but you give it to me any ways. Thank-you for dying on that cross for Al and me.

After I Said Good Night


My brother is crying
I can see his fear
I just left his bed
And closed his door with my tears
body-cry-crying-depression-Favim.com-823931
He was asking lots of questions
About what heaven is like
He wants to take his coke items with him
I told him to please do it would not be a sin

We talked about him running
And walking and no pain
He asked if he could drive again
And I told him to just say when

The questions went on
And his tears fell deep
I fell to my knees and I began to weep

I prayed for my brother
To be released from all pain
I told God he could have him
That Al would surely gain

Yet I prayed for a moment
A selfish prayer I did
Because I love my brother
And there will never be another
Like him.

Written by Terry Shepherd

Keeping My Fingers Crossed


I have written about Al so much lately. I have told you about the terrible Friday through Sunday evening weekend Al had of suffering from his M.S.A.

What I didn’t tell you is that I had a little bit of a melt down Saturday night, alone in my bedroom. I had climbed the ladder and got to the step that said,”We Won”. When Al got so sick those few days, I came crashing down to the bottom step which said,”Get Real”

I had seen with my own eyes how wonderful Al had been the past several days. I quickly let myself believe that our prayers had been answered. So many prayers from a lot of you. God answers prayers and he answered mine.

But then he got worse. I have since learned from Hospice that this will be a common thing. The Hospice nurse told me today that he will have more good days then bad in the beginning and later more bad than good.

So when she and I talked today and I learned that he had an excellent day, I turned around to see if anyone was watching or listening. When I saw Al carrying on a conversation, drinking his pop, and smiling, I swear my heart burst straight out of my chest cavity.

Then I suddenly stopped and remembered back to last weekend when I had my melt down. I thanked God for today being a great day for Al, but I am staying on the step that says get real. The step above it says” Be Happy”. The next step says,” Live for today, enjoy what is in it. Don’t look ahead, just yet.”

So for today I am so happy for Al. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that it last for a few more days.butterflies

Dianne Cogar and Her Poetry


Diane wrote another prayer that I found so emotional. I feel she has so much talent. I can’t help but share her works with you. I believe she read my post about Prayer From My Heart. I didn’t ask, I am just thinking so.

Here is the poem she wrote after I posted mine.

Wish I Could Help You Though…

Wish I could help you through this sorrow
And calm your fears through each new morrow
And show you life beyond this pain
To ease your worries, to keep you sane

When loved ones leave they never go
Their memories stay and ever grow
But what we miss are tender things
Like a long warm hug and what love brings

I’d tell you life will be alright
To comfort you through each long night
But deep down in my concerned heart
There’s nothing sure that I can part

For you must feel the test of time
And believe that God will show a sign
That He is with you night and day
He feels your pain, and hears you pray

And never will He leave your side
For all His children he loves with pride
I only wish I could help you flee
From this broken heart to set you free

But I will leave that up to God
For by your side He’ll always trod
His tender touch will help you heal
Just embrace His trust and know He’s real

~D. Cogarlakeside_cabins-1749