I went to bed again early last evening. I am having trouble keeping light and cheery. Nightmares or maybe strange dreams happened. I remember one where I was married to Al’s facility and I was fighting for a divorce. Strange, huh.
This morning after a midnight storm I decided that since Al was going on his outing I would go to the park and snap some photos. It seems like there is nothing right now that brings comfort and tranquility to me like my camera.
Al has been dismissed from the hospital and back in the nursing home. There is nothing more anyone can do for him. They upped his nitro to the maximum does in order to try to keep his heart at rest.
Al’s heart is suffering from the tremors. He has CAD, and it is getting tired. On the way back home from the nursing home it hit me what the doctors had said. I started shaking so bad I had to pull off the side of the road and I cried like a baby.
I cried for my selfishness in the thoughts of losing my brother. I cried for all Parkinson’s patients. I cried because I feel so helpless. The emergency push to get approved for him to come home has been given. The state called me today while I was at the nursing home. Now it has to be signed by a different area of the State and then a Caseworker is put into play.
I want him to pass a way here at home. I don’t care how hard it is to take care of him, I will not let him die in that nursing home or any other.
The doctor ordered a bed alarm for him. The nursing facility called me at the hospital and said they don’t want to use it because he will get mad at them. I told them, “This isn’t for your convenience, this is to alert you when Al stands up.”
“We just don’t want to use it.”
“Sorry, I don’t want Al to fall anymore than he is.”
“He has only fell here once.”
“Bullshit, he has fallen at least four times that I can think of immediately.”
“He didn’t fall two days ago. He was found on the floor.”
“Oh really? What was he doing on the floor?”
This argument went on for about five minutes and then I said,”I am his guardian and I say use it. No more arguing.”
His heart is suffering and he kept breaking out in clammy cold sweats all day. Many partial baths were given. When we got back to the facility an aid asked Al if he had to go potty. I guess he told her no. Five minutes after they laid him down on his bed he wet his brief, clothes and bed. When the aid found out he had done this she looked at me and said,”I just asked him five minutes if he had to use the bathroom and he said no.”
I told her it is the PD and not Al. I apologized but said,”He is wet and he needs to be changed.”
She got some help and the two changed him. The put a pad between the bed covers and Al’s bottom. She said she had a shower to do so she would change the bed later. To me this was wrong, but I let it go, he was dry for the moment.
He cried because he was embarrassed about wetting himself but I told him, “You can’t help it bud. If you could I know you would get up and go to the restroom. Please try not to feel bad.” I know my words fell on deaf ears.
It has been a bad day. I didn’t receive good news at all. Al life is being cut sooner than later. I am tired. Al is tired. I am sick to my stomach and I keep feeling the tears at times. I love my brother. I know he is suffering but I don’t want to lose him.
If anyone wants to help another PD patient not have to go through what Al does, please go to this website. Look under search or view entries and find Al’s photo with my name under it. He is in his famous red coca cola shirt. Here is the link.
I found this quote yesterday and posted it to my Facebook page. I liked the snarky feel of it and so did a lot of others. So I thought it would make for a great prompt! Here is your opportunity to vent. A chance for you to ‘write the wrongs’. Share a time that you have felt wronged or treated unfairly, either by way of a situation or another person.
Many moons ago I saw the smiles in different shapes of the face staring down at me in the night of the skies.
I always felt better when someone was smiling along with me. It brought more confidence throughout my soul.
Then one day things started to turn. I would glance up at the starry night and search for the smile to reign over me. It was becoming more difficult for me to find. Mr. Man in the Moon knew things before even I did. The stories are told in the stars as each twinkling light became dimmer in my eyes.
How devastating it is to be the last one to learn of betrayal. The joke is on me. The wide grin from above is portraying a signal that I finally hone into.
The forever love arrow has been twisted as it stabs in my heart. No matter how I twist or turn it remains embedded in one place. Fairy tales are bursting at the seams as I realize the lies being spoken eye to eye are stretching from river to oceans.
Where were your eyes as I looked into the heavens? Were they resting upon another? Did you seriously mean to throw me to the ground with mistrust and turning love into hatred? Could you not see the tears in my eyes as I listened intently to each of your woes? Searching your heart; longing to be held once again.
The years we spent together, memories creating my own book to be only tossed to the seas. For yet another will pick up the tear-stained pages and write his own book.
Words I spoke sending messages for your ears only. Only to realize that your amour was shielding you from the truth. You chose to turn your back on me. You walked into another’s arms. You held her as you did me. Words you whispered to me now enter her heart.
Visions in my head cause my emotions to explode all over the duvete. I walk a way with my head held high. You will never see that the twisted arrow has now broken off only leaving a point of no return.
You chase your dreams. For a few moments life seems to be smiling in your reflection. I struggle to forget; to move forward. I look up into the stars one night and I see you smiling at me.
For as I have finally made my mark on this earth your life comes tumbling down around you. The twinkle in my eyes match the brightness of the lights. You had your chance you fool. There never was a blade of grass that is greener on the other side of the fence.
Now I walk with head held high. A bounce in my step as you whither slowly to the ground. Your soul turns brown as a dying weed. May you always look at me with desire. May your mind explode with memories of the past.
I look a way from the man in the moon and tuck my arm inside of his. We lean into each other and kiss passionately. Then he opens the door and we walk into our bedroom; a new fairy tale to create. New chapters being written of you and me.
You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?
It seems in my opinion that the Daily Prompt forces your mind to go way back in your time. To dig up pain, hurt or embarrassment. This is not always a nice or fun thing to do.
As I sit here reminiscing on my past I wish I would have done one thing differently. I am sure there are several things I wish I could change. But I see it as mindless thinking and a waste of my time as I can not change the past. I must accept what I have done prior to today.
For this prompt exercise I will go back to the one highlight that I do ponder on at times. I wish I would not have given up on my furthering of my education. Why in the world was it so important to have a boyfriend? Or even think of marriage and bringing children into this world.
I chose the moments over the future. I know as a kid we don’t take the time to think a head. I am very proud of the schools today that encourage thinking and planning and keep with the idea until graduation day of high school.
I can remember going into the counselor’s office. Sitting down and discussing my tentative plans for my own future. I expressed my interest. He told me what classes to take and that was it. It was done and over.
It was such a small minute of my time that interest of boys was much more on the top priority of my list of things to do to make me happy. I did have sex younger than I should have. I did get married when I had plenty of time to do that. I love my kids to death but I would have waited. What was the rush?
This is what schools are teaching now. Wait, get your career. It is not a sin nor a crime to wait on settling down and bearing children. Now that I am older I could go to college, but I choose to be the caregiver I was trained for.
It is the monies, the financial stability that I lost. I get great satisfaction out of caring for someone. But let’s face it. It doesn’t pay enough to keep up with the changes in the world. Today you need to have a career behind you. You can not count on the happily forever married life any longer. Cancers have become a fear word as more and more young people get this illness. Partners and lives are taken swiftly and leave much sooner than we anticipated.
Now I have no one to lean on in my life. I have no big bank account holding all of my monies I have saved. I don’t have any insurance benefits tidying me through each month. For the first time in my life I am scared. Afraid I will be homeless. Fearful that I will end up in some state paid nursing home.
Why oh why wasn’t this taught in the high schools? I am not blaming them but kids need to be taught to not only look for a partner in life to share with, but also a way to protect yourself when you become old.
So in finalizing this prompt, I would say this is the biggest mistake I made. I can’t go back but I can hope that some young person reads my posts and learns something from it.
“Oh yea, they say ‘life goes on’ long after the thrill of living is gone.”
This is one of my favorite Mellancamp songs, Jack and Diane leaves me pining for those long-lost summers of youth and wishing I hadn’t been in such a hurry. What does this lyric mean to you?
Take me back, way back to my teen years. Life is grand. No worries, all fun, money in our pocket. Buying new records. Staying up all night at my girlfriend’s house. Talking the night away about dreams of marriage and kids. Getting up early to go to our part-time job with no sleep. Still having time after work to go running around again. Oh these were the days.
Excitement of being asked out on a date. Knowing I was definitely not one of the original wall flowers. Experimenting with new make-up. I had to look much older than I was. Why? Who in the world knows. Hurry hurry hurry. Step right up! Be the first one to look 21 when you are only 16.
Walking out the front door of my parents home looking presentable. Before I exited my car door I had hiked up my skirt so I looked sexy. Guys really wanted to see those bare legs right? Was I inviting trouble? Maybe. Did I realize the strong message and trouble I could get into? Probably not.
Church camps and meeting that special boy. Holding hands at campfires. Promises to write every day that never held up over a week or two. The first pitter patter of the heart beating as I looked into his eyes.
Seventeen and not knowing too much about the world but dying to find out. Sneaking my boyfriend into the family home. Red cheeks, speeding heart, stirred feelings being shared between the two of us. Always an ear open to uninvited noises. A body that felt urges. Fires building up inside of us but fear keeping us always clothed.
Next I would be able to experience true love. The love that is spoken between eyes and touches. Love letters and ID bracelets showing we belonged to someone. We were spoken for. We were in love. Introductions to family members. Holidays together holding hands.
Parked cars on lover’s lane. Experimenting hidden avenues never being touched before. The rise of our breathing. Laughter that could be heard above the tabernacle. Promises to never part.
The most important questions of a girl’s life. Will you marry me? Living and loving on cloud nine. Dashing into each others arms. Passionate kisses and warm touches. Glowing face that was observed where ever I went.
Engagements, diamond rings, hopes for the future. What else could a woman dream of when she is in her late teens? While others finished college before committing to another soul, I was in a hurry.
I graduated from high school threw out all my ideas to go to college and got married. Before I was 21 I had my first child. By the time I was 26 I had my three babies. By the time I was 36 I had the first divorce decree in my hands. I felt my first real pain, my sorrow, my failure. Why had I rushed? What have I learned?
Now middle-aged I look back at Jack and Diane with a smile on my face of what used to be. I long for love and a slice of the freedom to dash into my lover’s arms. To have those days of no worries can never be the same, but I still carry hope to be holding the front door open to my home. To let my special man come into my house with no sneaking.
