Tormented Memories

Trish was a messed up high school  kid. She held nothing back when wanting what her heart desired. She stooped at nothing to get to the top. In the first year of  high school she was popular.

After the second year people began to whisper and her friends list dropped slowly. Sometimes she would think about it and wonder what was going on, but only for a few minutes.

Her attitude was if they didn’t like her, screw them, there were others that could fill the slot. She kissed teacher‘s rear ends to get better grades. She wanted the best and if it included lying a little or faking someone out she did it.

There was once a rumor going around school that she was sleeping with one of the male teachers. It was Algebra and she struggled with it. She sat up front and center of the teacher’s desk and made sure to show a little extra leg.

He took the bait and kept her after school to give her more help than what he would other students. It was no surprise to her when she got an A in that class. Classmates designated her as one of the top class sluts.

At nights when she lay in bed she would think about the sneers that went on behind her back. If they only knew. If they only knew her own dirty past, they wouldn’t say things like that about me.

A couple of tears would slide down her cheeks. She brushed them off and put up her soul armour and rolled over and went to sleep. The next morning arrived and so did a reinforced attitude of getting to the top.

Her third and last year of high school brought one major change from the years prior. Students despised her even more. They could see that she was a total fake. Anything that came out of those pouty lips was not believable.

Trish never stayed home on the weekends. This is when her father was home. She went to the ball games at school and sat among the crowd alone. It was one evening at a home basketball game that she noticed one of the players paying attention to her.

She didn’t know this guy that well. He wasn’t in any of her classes. He would wave at her and sometimes wink. It seemed that a growing conversation was forming between the two by way of physical communication.

After the game she hung around in the bleachers instead of leaving like she  usually did. The gym was silent as everyone had left. Soon echos of footsteps brought the player and the student face to face.

Petty conversation was transpired and the two ended up walking out together. There were a few cars still in the parking lot but those were probably the clean up people. Trish walked with Jack to his car.

“Are you hungry? I am starving. I’m going to stop over at a little place that’s on the way home for me. Do you want to come along? We can get to know each other better.”

Trish looked at him with stars in her eyes. Here was a guy who was definitely interested in her. He wasn’t making fun of her or bringing up any of those nasty rumors. “Sure, I’d love to go.”

The two climbed in the car and took off down the street. As the street lights became farther apart Jack took a left turn and the night lights disappeared all together. “Is there a restaurant clear out here?”

” Yeah, just a mile down the road. I thought we could pull off here and talk for a while. You don’t mind do you? I just want to get to know you so bad. You are so beautiful.”

Trish started to feel jitters inside. She had heard those words before, you are so beautiful. But yet this was a different place, time, and a different man. Her excitement of being accepted was higher than her internal alarms.

Jack grinned at her and pulled off on a dirt road. It was actually a path that had been made for tractors and other farm machinery. Corn fields were on either side of them. Jack knew this area well.

He turned the engine off and turned towards Trish. “Tell me something about yourself pretty girl. I want to know every little thing about you.”

As she started to speak Jack’s hands were speaking also. As his hands began to roam her thoughts turned a way from him and back to the endless nights where another man also did this.

Oh my God, what did I do to deserve this? Why me, is it ever going to stop? Am I going to have to go through life always trying to prove myself?

Jack wanted her and she recognized his behavior. She should have known. No one wanted her other than for sex. Hadn’t he told her years ago that she was just the most beautiful child that had ever walked this earth? Hadn’t he said that men would always want her and that she must be thankful for this?

Tears sliding in the darkness, and conversation quieted, Trish let Jack lead the way. She let him do as he wished. There was no reason to fight it. She had tried in the past, but only received punishment and threats.

She felt so dirty inside. His good looks suddenly turning into pictures of slithering snakes wrapping its trunk around her and tasting her wounded soul. When he was finished with her he said,”I like you real well. You did good. I know about your reputation at school so I suggest you keep this to yourself. You know no one will believe a word you say if you tell.”

Yes, Trish knew all too well that she would never say a word. Hadn’t she already proven that by keeping the secret all these years?

Jake started the car and drove her back to the school. He let her out and told her,” maybe we can hook up again real soon.” She smiled at him as he drove a way. When he was out of sight she walked towards home.

Entering the back door she quietly walked to her bedroom. She stripped off her clothes and took the hottest shower she could stand. She wanted to wash off another evening before bitter memories could take over.

She stood under the streaming water until her skin became wrinkled but she could still feel the inner emotional pain. She didn’t think she could ever wash that away. All she ever wanted was good grades and a chance to go to college.

She didn’t even know what she wanted to study for. Her vision was blurred by the ugly memories always popping up. She did know that her beauty was her worst enemy. But yet it could also help her to get what she needed to get out of the house and on her own.

She dried off and put her pajamas on and crawled under her bed sheets. She lay there staring in the darkness wishing her life could be different. No one understood her and it seemed no one cared.

Tears were falling slowly down her cheeks when she heard her door knob turn. She glanced over towards the door and saw nothing but knew well enough what was happening.

He scooted into bed next to her and laid very quietly. She knew the signal by heart. The motions were effortless and when her duty was done he walked out as quietly as he had walked in.

Her soul was burning, and her heart was broken. Her dreams had vanished when in one night she had been raped twice by two different men. She couldn’t take it anymore. She knew her life was over.

She had tried using the same devices that she had been taught, but others ended up getting the better deal. She screamed inside for release from this pain. Flaming torches had found their way to every part of her body and she needed them to go a way.

She put her clothes back on and slowly opened her door. Seeing no one she walked down the hall to the main bathroom. She went in and opened the medicine chest and scanned the bottles.

She didn’t know what the names were but she knew that her Mom had these for her bad days of headaches and pains. She grabbed a couple of bottles and took them back to her room.

Getting a glass of water and then sitting on the edge of her bed, she stared at the bottles knowing this was her only way out. She let tears take all of her pent-up emotions and lay them on the bed next to her.

With no way to comprehend anything now she swallowed hard and finished her water. She put the empty bottles on her night stand and let the glass fall to the floor. She laid back down and waited for the years to escape her memories.

Related articles

• The Great College Hoax (psychologytoday.com)
• A lesson in dignity (itsmaam2you.wordpress.com)
• Teacher Fired For Bikini Photos (kvil.cbslocal.com)
• So, are you a people-pleaser? (playingfortimeblog.com)
• Being Nice (naplesgirlblog.com)
• Never been kissed (chicanajc104507.wordpress.com)
• Friends fall into two categories. (awesomeisastateofmind.wordpress.com)
• Headstrong (moonstruckmicrocosm.wordpress.com)
• To those that don’t matter (familyphotosfoodcraft.com)

Best Moment Award

My good friend who writes great poetry has nominated me for the Best Moment Award. I will not go into any of the details or rules as I have accepted this before and don’t want to bore you with my answers. http://graypoet.wordpress.com

Thank-you my friend!!!!!

#FWF Free Write Friday; It was a Dark and Stormy Night

http://kellieelmore.com/
I remember it was a warm Spring day. Mama had been making a point to tell us she didn’t remember ever a day like this so early in the season.

I was sitting under the kitchen table playing with my toys. I loved to play under here. It was like my very own private playground.

No one could touch me, see me or yell at  me. I could play quietly and listen to all the gossip my Mama had always told me never to do.

I felt the natural breezes coming through the window. The gentleness of it must have lured me into sleepy land because I don’t really remember taking a nap without being told to.

A crash startled me awake. The perfect glass was now  shattered on the floor. Bits and pieces sparkled in front of my eyes as I sat up wondering what had happened. I tried to crawl out from under the table but a voice above me told me to remain still for just a second.

The breeze that had once blanketed me with peace was now roaring as a dragon opening his mouth to let me know he was mad as hell. Tears started to stream down my cheeks. I was afraid. My body trembled as I knew I was to obey Mama and not move.

I could hear slamming of window frames. I could hear voices yelling commands. This was serious  no matter what it was. I had never heard Mama or Papa ever use this tone in their voice.

As the fear raged inside of me I looked down at the wetness streaming down my pants. I tried scooting over just a little bit so Mama wouldn’t notice that I had disobeyed. I scrunched myself into a ball and tried hiding  underneath one of the kitchen chairs.

Just as I squeezed myself in a hand reached down and grabbed my shirt dragging me quickly out from under the chair. The chair fell over on its side but it was ignored as Papa tucked me in his arms and we ran out of the house.

Outside the winds were tearing at Papa. He was having trouble keeping his footing and once he almost dropped me, but he was my Papa and he caught me in time drawing me closer to his chest. He tucked his jacket around me and I was safe in his cocoon.

I could hear Mama yelling, “My babies, are the dogs and the cats going to be safe? Will they find cover? Did you grab everything Papa?”

Soon a door was pushed open and it was so heavy I could feel the earth under us vibrate. After everyone was safe inside Papa pulled the door closed and darkness came over us. I tried to adjust my eyes but I couldn’t see anything.

The smell of my parents kept me safe though. They loved me and wouldn’t let anything hurt me. Mama had always promised this.

Gusts of winds rattled the hinges on the door. I sat very still on the blanket Papa had placed me on. I could hear nothing but the loud pounding of my heart. Silence only lasted a few moments when I heard what sounded like a train whistle coming closer and closer.

I heard big tree branches cracking. It sounded like it was right next to me. I scooted closer to Mama and buried my head in her lap. She placed her arms around me and said,”It is alright child. It is Spring and God is cleaning up the dirt that has been laying around all winter. You are safe my dear little one.”

These were the best words I ever heard in all my life. Today I still  hear these words when I visit Mama at her grave. Even now she is still watching out over me. I can feel her love as I touch where she now lays.

The weatherman says it is going to be a bad day to go outside. The temperatures are warm and the winds are breezy. As I walk back from Mama’s grave I call out to my dogs and cats. I think back to that day when the breezes came in through the perfect window panes and I played under the table with my toys.

It’s alright Mama. I have all the pets inside and I am ready for the onset of Spring Tornadoes.

Related articles

• #FWF Free Write Friday: Word Play Foreplay (kellieelmore.com)
• #FWF Free Write Friday: Writing Wrongs (kellieelmore.com)
• #FWF Free Write Friday: Keepsakes (kellieelmore.com)
• FWF – Free Write Friday 2# Wordplay Foreplay (awritersfountain.wordpress.com)

1000 Likes

I know I don’t usually post this late at night. My ears and eyes are on the news and then Joyce Meyers. I just finished up watching Joyce and thought I would check for the last time responses I wanted to reply to before going to bed. I really don’t want to turn into a pumpkin.

I was so happy with what I saw! I saw this symbol. Wow, to me that is a lot of people!!!

I just had to share my joy with you that helped me to earn this.

Thank-you very much!!!!!

My Release

Except for one day last week when I made a quick run to the gas station for bread and eggs today I got out. Yeah! Fresh air. I breathed in deeply letting the crisp air come into me. There was plenty of sun and it was a high of 32.

It felt like the best medicine I have had in two weeks. The first thing I saw when I went outside of my house was a black squirrel looking for food. I went back in and grabbed a hand of peanuts and tossed them at him. He didn’t run away. I think he is getting used to my hand throws.

The next thing I observed was a bird. Yes it sure was. I stopped dead in my tracks and listened. It was a Spring bird. Yes Spring keep on coming!

Oh how I love the smell of Spring

When all becomes so new

A bird does sing the sun does shine

And takes away the winter blues.

Terry Shepherd

I had made some pumpkin bars and a chocolate cake. Why? I don’t know, something to do. Something to take to Al today. I cheated and had a nibble here and there through-out the evening.

Today I grabbed my plate with the goodies and headed straight for the nursing home. I didn’t let Al know I was coming ahead of time, in case my planned visit backfired with my health.

When I walked in it was lunch time and I spotted him immediately in the hall. It brought back memories of his Parkinson’s Disease as I watched him trying to stand. He had gotten his walker out into the hall and then his knees buckled and he was frozen in his motion.

It was a long hall so I was able to observe the whole movie clip. A nurse aid was holding the walker so he could sit down but his legs would not bend. They worked together and finally he was seated. I arrived just as the nurse was giving him one of his pain pills.

Finally his legs kicked in and bent over he walked down to the dining room with me by his side. We sat at his table and he ordered his food. He chose a chicken sandwich, mashed potatoes and peppermint ice-cream. Drinks were ice water, juice and hot chocolate.

It took him a half an hour to eat his lunch. He said it still feels like something is stuck in his throat but that the mechanical soft diet was helping. I did see him struggle quite a bit trying to get the two-handled cups to his lips. I don’t know how to help with this so if anyone has any ideas, let me know. He can pick up the cups with both hands but lifting them to his lips seems to be very difficult to him. Then tipping the cup up enough to get the liquid in his mouth was worse. Straws have already been taken a way from him as he can’t release the straw from his lips, so this idea is out.

I saw that at least for today his tremors were in full swing. Several times he would be trying to take a bite of his sandwich and the tremors would shake the bun so badly, that it crumbled down his lap and onto the floor. He at least got the protein though, but I felt so bad for him but said nothing.

We talked about everything I could think of. I noticed that he barely blinks. Everything he said to me was in a complete stare. I tried when I got home to sit still without staring and I could not do nearly as long as he could.

He was in a pretty good mood which I was thankful for. There were no tears. He was going to be going out with the providers that help him to get out of the facility for a while two times a week and I am sure that helped his mood. He was going to the one store that he loves that sells coke vintage items. Then they were going to the Dairy Queen where I had given him a bogo coupon for blizzards.

I talked to him as long as I could and then helped him to get his coat on so he could take off. I waved good-bye and swallowed the lump in my throat as I watched my baby brother leaving.

I stopped at the grocery store for some groceries. I didn’t want to stay long because I was beginning to feel worn out. I had been in there about five minutes when all of a sudden I felt like I was going to pass out. Then I got sweaty and shaky. Oh no, not now. I knew then it was my sugar levels. They had become too low. I frantically looked through my purse and found a bite size Hershey bar so I popped that into my mouth and then just prayed that I could get through the store and home. God answered. I walked faster and did make it home and immediately ate.

All in all it was a good day. A sure sign of Spring through the birds. Sunshine and seeing Al. Replenishing my cupboards. It all made my day.

He Called My Name

Allie stared through the window. Tears running down her cheeks as she looked at the baby. She placed her finger to the glass and outlined his bassinet and his body wrapped in the blue blanket.

I want to keep him. I love him so much already. Why can’t I keep him. This is the only chance I will ever get of having someone of my own to love.

Allie had been involved with actions that were against her will, but as the weeks and months went by she felt movement which caused yearnings in her heart. She walked a way from the glass and went back to her room.

She threw herself down on her bed and sobbed. The nurse walked in and  asked,”Are you alright honey? Is there anything physically wrong with you? Oh, I know this just to be one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life”.

Allie sat up and buried her head in the nurses bosom. She cried like a baby for the loss of life she would never touch. The nurse let her cry until she had quieted and then handed her some tissue to wipe her eyes and her nose.

“I know it is so painful now Allie, but God will heal your heart”. The nurse reached into her pocket and pulled out a pocket-size Bible and opened Allie’s hand and placed it.” This is something I wish for you to have. It is a gift from me. I once depended on this for my own survival in life and now I want you to have it”.

Allie held it and the nurse got up off of the bed and told her, “I have to get back to work honey. If there is anything I can do for you before you leave, don’t hesitate to find me or just put on your call light”. Allie gave her a weak smile and said, “thank-you”.

Allie proceeded to get all of her belongings she had come in with around. She got dressed and sat back down on the bed waiting for her mother to come pick her up. She picked up the small gift that the nurse had given her and flipped through the pages.

She didn’t recognize anything as she had not been brought up in any type of church. She vowed to herself to read it though. If it helped the nurse, it could help her. She walked down to the nursery one more time and gazed through the window at the little boy.

Good-bye little one. I hope that you will  understand the truth one day. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you, always believe this. As she walked back towards her room, she saw her mother coming towards her.

Her mother was in a hurry and without much more than a greeting she went straight for Allie’s room and started gathering up the suitcase. “Is there anything else we need to do? Did you double-check to make sure you didn’t leave anything behind? I have to get back to work, and I don’t have time to be coming back here again”.

Allie told her that she had looked everywhere twice and that she was ready to go. Without anymore talk, the two left and went through the front doors out into the cloudy day. It was drizzling outside. It reminded Allie of her own heart. Dismal and dreary.

Her mother tossed her suitcase in the trunk and she and Allie left. Once home and the car emptied her mom left her in silence as she went back to work. Allie sat on the couch, and then laid down and drifted off to sleep.

When she woke up she went to the kitchen and made herself a sandwich. Then she took her suitcase to her bedroom and began to unpack it. All she could think of was,take this pain a way. I want to forget. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

Afterwards she found the little Bible in her purse and she pulled it out. She found the verse that said,for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. That who so ever believeth shall have ever lasting life.

She went back to the beginning and started reading word by word. Some of it she didn’t understand but there were other verses that spoke to her. She heard a car door letting her know that mom was home.

She left her bedroom and headed to the kitchen. Her mom walked through the door looking exhausted. “Did you have a rough afternoon mom?”

” I sure did Allie. They made me bust my rear doing double time for the time I took off to come get you. What have you started for supper? I don’t smell anything cooking”.

“Sorry mom, I was tired too and laid down and took a nap.Then I unpacked my suitcase. I was just getting ready to see what I could fix for us”.

“Well get busy. I’m hungry. I had to work through my lunch time”. With that her mom walked out of the kitchen leaving a worn girl to figure out their meal. Allie ended up making some pancakes along with some scrambled eggs.

She yelled out to her mom that her supper was on the table and she took her own to her room. She wasn’t ready to listen to her mom carry on about her and her day. What about my own day? What about what I just went through? I feel empty inside, alone and my body still hurts.

After supper was over and the kitchen tidied up, her mom went to her bedroom and Allie remained in her own room. It didn’t take her long to finish reading the miniature version of the King James Bible. She went back to areas that had interested her and jotted them down in her diary, so she wouldn’t forget.

With Jesus being the last thing on her mind she fell asleep. Cuddled in her blankets she began to dream. She dreamed of the baby boy she had said good-bye to earlier. She saw her own self crying for his loss. She heard herself crying out for help and then she saw something she had never seen before.

In her dream a tall, gentle man came to her bedside. He had both arms opened to her and said, fear not my child, I am here to help you. Follow me and I will give you peace forever. The smile on his face was comforting and she could feel a sense of peace around her body.

Without thinking she felt her soul

Baby Boy!!! (Photo credit: Shrini Photography)

being lifted out of the bed and she went to him. He took her hand and guided her into the light. It was brighter than the sun. Warm, so peacefully warm. It reminded her of taking a nice bubble bath.

She saw some golden gates that were made out of iron. The man walked her through them and when they were getting closer to the almighty throne he leaned in and whispered to her, I have better and bigger plans for you Allie. You have suffered enough on earth. I have plenty of babies here in my kingdom that need so much love. This is the job I want you to do. Never look back on all of the yesterdays. I will bring you comfort and joy for eternity.

With this being said, she smiled up at him and let him lead the way.

Related articles

• Can I Be A Renaissance Mom? (iloveyoumorethancarrots.com)
• Blogmas 2012: Motherhood is a Strong Emotion (allthingsfadra.com)
• Baby Ezra is here! (the-running-mom.com)
• Reading While Breastfeeding a Newborn (unlimitedbookshelves.com)
• Why I Allow My Mom to Visit at Christmas (jamiegreco.wordpress.com)
• Letting Go of Perfect (homebyhanley.wordpress.com)

NaNoWriMo Chapter 4

Paul went about his business and went in his bathroom and took a nice, hot shower. He thought about the woman who had just left his apartment, and he smiled to himself as he thought of how good she tasted to him. It had been some time since he had held a woman and let her excite him the way that she did.  After getting out of the shower, he dried off and went to the kitchen and poured himself a night cap and taking it with him; he walked over to his desk, to see what clients he had appointments with the next day. Ah yes, here was one that looked pretty easy. A little old lady named Sara. She was trying to make it so her kids could not come over to her house when she was a way and take what they wanted, while she was still alive.

Poor old lady, not even dead yet and here was the kids and grandkids trying to rip her off before her feet were in the grave. He mumbled to himself, that he didn’t know what was wrong with people today, but at least they kept food on his table. He finished his drink and burped out loud and then wandered into his bedroom, and flipped on the news to see who was killing who.

There was nothing really exciting and since the beauty had wore him out he decided to call it a night, and with the remote in his hand, he flipped the television off, and with darkness blanketing him, he fell off to sleep.

The next morning, he didn’t feel like cooking, so he got dressed and headed out to his car. He pulled up in front of the little restaurant that served the best looking waitresses and their cooking was pretty good too. He walked in and one of the waitresses flashed him her biggest smile, and nodded towards an empty table in her section. He smiled back and went to the table and sat down. She brought him over a steaming hot cup of coffee, and asked him what she get him this morning, and he told her she would do.

She slapped him on the shoulder in a flirty way and said that he knew she was married, what did he really want, and realizing he wasn’t going to get anywhere with her, he ordered a couple of scrambled eggs, with a steak on the side, and a couple of slices of toast. She nodded and took off towards the kitchen to deliver the ticket order. Paul looked around to see if there was anyone here that was worth talking to, and seeing no one, he walked over to the top of the trash can, and grabbed the morning paper and went back and sat at his table, flipping the pages for interesting news.

Soon his breakfast came, and also came a long tall gentleman, and when the plate was placed in front of him, and his coffee refilled, the guy sat down, without an invitation, and said, “Do you know a woman by the name of Slim?” Paul said, “What’s it to you? I don’t know you so get the hell out of my way!” The guy ignored his request and continued with his conversation. “I hear you been spending some time with my wife, Slim. I hear she wants to hire you for some job. What is it that she wants you to do?” Paul looked him straight in the eye and without blinking said, “Kill you.”

The guy sat there and said nothing for a moment, letting Paul attack his food before it got cold. Paul acted like there was no one sitting across from him and buried his head in his plate, and the guy then got his breath back, and said, “What did you tell her? Did you tell her you would do it?”

Paul looked at him and said,” Get the hell out of here, can’t you see I am busy? I didn’t come here to be bothered by the likes of you. I am not going to discuss whether I told her yes or no, because it is none of your darn business, you hear me?”

The guy stood up and said that Paul better watch his back. He knew of his type, big macho men who think they know it all. He continued with how he wasn’t afraid of him, so he better is watching out, and with that, Paul raised his hand and shooed him away, and went back to his breakfast.

After he cleaned his plate up, the waitress came back and asked if that man was bothering him, because if he was, she could tell her boss, and they could have that guy banned from this place. Paul told her, “No, it was just some pesky fly trying to make an ass out of himself by buzzing around. He had swatted him, and the guy was gone, but thanks doll, for trying to protect me.” With that, Paul got up

Related articles

• Elderly woman: contractor stole savings (abcactionnews.com)
• The Elderly Sort of Love ‘Black Ops 2′ (Video) (complex.com)
• A good laugh: The speedy elderly lady (littlethings4all.wordpress.com)

Obsessed

She didn’t know why she behaved like this. She was a pure animal, a stalking leper. She would find herself driving by his house and sometimes sitting across the street, just watching, waiting to pounce.

She knew better, but she found her body moving differently than her mind. She would go out late at night, and park in front of the house, and get out and walk around all the windows, just hoping to get a glimpse.

She was consumed with him. She thought about different ways she could run into him, and even when she was at work, she thought of him. She had messed up but she didn’t care.

She had been the wife of this man, but had been drawn into the arms of another, as the words that drooled out of this stranger’s lips, melted her into soft chocolate. She promised herself, that she would never let it go past the flirtation stage. This would not be considered an affair, as long as she didn’t cross the line of her mind.

Each time the two met, it became harder to ignore the body’s signals, and one time she threw caution to the wind, and slept with him. Immediately afterwards, she felt guilt, and ran  home to wash the sins off of her body, claiming never to speak to this other man again.

But over and over, she fell into the lust and desires, when their eyes met, and before long, her husband found out about it. She explained her poor story, that she was lacking something in herself, and she needed help. Could he help her to get through this and overcome it. Maybe marriage counseling might work.

He forgave her, as he loved her and he wanted to believe in her and so they did attend counseling for a short period of time. While the counseling was continuing, she would force herself to hang up on the phone calls, that were meant for her ears only.

One time at the counseling session, words hit the heart and also hit too close to home. She got upset, and threw her heart to the next phone call, and this in turn, was replayed by her husband who had a tape recorder going on the phone. She had been busted, and had betrayed not only her husband, but what the marriage stood for.

He moved out into his own place, leaving her there alone to sort out her wicked ways and sickness. In no time at all, the divorce was final. She never returned to her lover, and her ex had now moved on and found someone who would appreciate him for what he represented as a person.

She found herself hanging out at bars and clubs, trying to fix her problems from a bottle, but all that happened was she fell into too many strangers arms. She needed professional help to see what was going on inside her head, but until she could admit it out loud to herself, there was no  help.

Her ex re-married and lived only three blocks from where his ex-wife resided. It was too easy. Too easy to drive or walk. She would keep her eyes out for him, watch for him to come out,  peek through the windows to get a glimpse of him. She wanted him back. If she could not have him, then his new wife would be a loser also.

She sat in her car, waiting. Waiting for a glimpse, plotting ways to get him back, dreaming about ways to rid him of the new woman in his life.

Is This Day Over Yet?

This is a place to write your inner most feelings, right? A place to come to when you can not say the words to your children, in fear of breaking down, and having your kids see you in a weak moment. To come here means I do not have to be criticized by others for not doing this or doing that. I do not have to be felt to feel small or stupid. Lord, I love this blogging site!

I have a huge headache today. Oh, it is stress, I have no doubt. I work up in a fairly good mood, considering my brother was being the obedient child, waking up earlier than usual because he can’t sleep well on Wednesday nights, because I am going to be entering his bedroom on Thursday mornings to change his sheets.

This is the only time I enter his walls of privacy, his comfort zone, his free to be whom ever he wishes, is to change sheets. Other than that, I only enter when laying clean, folded clothes on his bed, and then I make a quick escape in order not to cause tears or faster tremors. Yes, tremors from Parkinson’s tends to be worse when the patient is nervous or stressed out or even tired.

I am sitting here cracking up with laughter inside, as it is this choice or screaming and tears. He has been in a bad mood all morning. I almost wish for those good days to never come, then I will never know what the other life would be like.

He woke up and stumbled to the kitchen, refusing to hang on to walls, or chairs, because then he would have to admit, he needs more help than a cane. I can tell by his face that he is in the Parkinson mode. I know for a fact, he was  up until at least three thirty in the morning, watching television, and he could have slept in, since he was tired, but it was sheet changing day! This is his choice, not mine, but it would not matter what day of the week, because I have no guarantees which days will be good or not, and if I mention the fact that we can wait until a better day to change them, he explodes, and wants to know what he had done wrong.

Sometimes I just want to curse and hit our father, for planting this terrible habit of doing all wrong. I praise Al to the ceiling, but he never believes me. He has been taught for over forty years, that he can do nothing right.

After sheets were changed and breakfast all cleaned up, I needed to pay attention to some bills I had coming due, and I wanted to check into a different company for our television needs. I had also made the mistake of telling Al that we would be running to the gas station soon so I could get my smokes. While I am on the phone and not quite ready enough to leave, he has gotten his shoes on, and told me while I was on the phone that he was going to go outside and sit on the porch to wait, I nodded yes, that I understood.

The box fan was sitting near the front door running and Al could not pick the fan up and move it, and he could not walk around it. It was stressful to him that something was in his way, and so he did the shuffle from his Parkinson’s and nearly fell through the door. I am watching this and still trying to pay attention to the words of the sales rep, and was about to get up and go move the fan, when all of a sudden, Al burst out with a big F You word. I swear the whole neighborhood plus the rep on the phone could hear. He was talking to his legs, that were frozen.

He gave up the fan and the move to outdoors, and sat on the couch and cussed. I am sure the lady on the phone heard all, or enough, because our conversation was completed quickly.

I decided at that moment to put all bills on hold, and take Al to the gas station to deter his mind from the fan, and offered to get him some lunch at a restaurant close by and bring it home. He walked out side and didn’t hang on to the rail, because once again, if he gets the extra help, then he has to admit he needs it. He walks down the four steps, and trips on the last one, and I catch him! I explain this is why we need to use both arms to hang on to anything solid, one hand on the cane, the other on whatever is there.

He starts crying and yelling again. He is telling me it is his fault he has this stupid disease. I am deciding whether to continue to the gas station or not, and then I thought, oh ya, I need my smokes more than ever. Not even going to think about quitting my habit for today.

I get him in the car and he is wailing and having the biggest pity party ever. I hate the pity party. I have explained like a broken record, that he needs to be thankful for whatever he can do today, but he never hears me. He is living in the moment, right now, what is happening with his legs now, his tremors, the day, the minute. There is no tomorrow, ever.

We get to the gas station and I run in and get my smokes while Al is sitting in the car gritting his teeth at me, because I refuse to play the pity partner game with him.  I decide the hell with the restaurant, and I grab something from the deli here and I get back in the car. We left and I drove home. When we get home, he refuses to get out of the car. I can not leave him sit there, so I have to stand in the rain, and coax him like a baby to get him out of the car. Finally, he gets out, and I unlock the house, lock the car, and here I sit, writing my frustrations out to someone who will listen, not judge or condemn me and smoking.

Snap My Finger, And All Is Fixed

The good news is the medications are helping Al! They are ridding him of some of his pain. Al expected his tremors to be gone also, but I had to explain this was for pain only, and no medication would rid the tremors, sorry.

I took Al to a car show about a half an hour a way last evening, and this is what he was able to see.I think he had a good time, bu I know he wanted to be able to get out of his scooter and look at the engines, but we make do with what we have, right?

I am trying so hard friends to bounce back up on top of the ball, but I am still allowing petty things to keep me under the ball. I read other blogs, and they are so uplifting, and cheerful, with much wanted topics. Cookies, yummy, animals to be amazed at, friends who have a much more optimistic outlook on life, and I cringe and shrink back, thinking, I should put writing on hold until, I also, have more good things to speak about. I am not supposed to come here seeking what ever it is I sometimes seek. I am supposed to be an inspiration to others, lending a kind word, being productive. Instead, I find myself sitting in the semi-pit, and being still restless. I realize I need a break, and I am agreeing, I do, but getting a respite caregiver to actually come do the work being paid for is another topic.

I am sorry I have become a one-man circus, not giving much to laugh at, or an object of writing creativity, where you can not take your eyes off of each word.

I did want to share what Al got to do on  his outing, and to let you know, that his medications are working.

I am ashamed of myself for letting myself be beat up by obstacles that seems to hover and won’t leave. I am angry that I am struggling to find the good in my days, but hopefully, this too shall pass. I don’t know if god made me compassionate or sensitive, but I have learned through ignorance to take it too far. I have allowed little things to bother me, and I take too much personally. I need to toughen up and throw my hair to the wind. I need to let things slide off my back as oil runs through your engine. I need to be me, and I need to think of me, and quit trying to be everyone’s happy maker. I should be able to say if I don’t please you leave, if you want to change me, forget it, if you don’t like me, then be on your way. I think this is what I am battling inside, being accepted for me, and not letting guilt over take my decisions on the fear I will make someone unhappy. If I could just get away for a few days, like Jesus did, and go think and pray, I might be able to get this all straightened out, but for now, please bear with me, while I try to get this figured out.