Tag Archives: Thought

Prayer Request Please

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Weeping Angels

I thought that when I left Al yesterday, he was in better spirits from our talk. Evidently not, as the facility just called to tell me they had an issue with him. He is thinking about ending it all. They said he has no plan, which makes them feel better. It is an unofficial watch for him as if they state in the files what he is thinking he would have to be sent to a psyche ward. Neither them or me wants him to have to go there. It would destroy him.

So I am pleading and begging for prayers. I called the man in charge of his waiver and said that Al is very sad and that he is afraid he is going to die there instead of here at home. He said he will try to rush it on his end but that once it was at the State again, it was out of his control.

I know that Al told me last week that he saw someone sitting in his recliner during the night. He said that God told him it was now time to go to heaven to see Mom.

I am not going to argue Al’s words because who am I to judge?

Please pray that this goes quickly to get him home and that all the angels surround Al while he is still there.

 

Picture it & Write/ Ermiliablog

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For several nights Derek dreamed. They were vivid and colorful, yet when he woke his bed was wet from the sweat that dripped from his body.

He began to fear closing his eyes at night. The visions of his nightmare remaining clear in his mind.

He began his journey of tearing apart the tiny pieces and dissecting each thought. In the end he hoped that he could place the puzzle together and see clearly what his dream meant.

Some said because the color of green was so alive, that maybe he wished for money. Others asked if he was afraid of someone or maybe he had instincts about something bad going down at work.

Still others thought maybe he was wrestling something from his past.

Derek didn’t know and after days of this continuing he decided to look into a special doctor. He called a shrink out of the yellow pages and set an appointment. He was nervous as he pulled into the parking lot.

He pulled out a cigarette and puffed on it, arguing with himself on whether he should go into this adventure. Did he really want to know? Was it really that bad? After all, it only happened at night-time. Weren’t his days just fine?

He took his last puff and put it out. He sat there a few minutes longer looking at his reflection in the rear view mirror. Trying to see the answers staring back at him but all he got were blank shells.

Ah what the hell, let’s get this over with. Better to know I guess than wearing myself down trying to figure it out on my own.

He walked through the double doors and was greeted by a blonde bombshell. Good morning sir. Do you have an appointment?

Derek stared at her and his lips wouldn’t move. Between his restless nights and hours of trying to figure out what was wrong with him, and then looking at this gorgeous babe, for a minute, he couldn’t speak.

Um, yes, yes I do have an appointment. The names Miller, Derek Miller.

She smiled at him and checked her appointment book. Yes, here you are. You are right on time Mr. Miller. Please have a seat and I will let the doctor know you are here.

Derek walked over to one of the empty seats. He couldn’t hardly keep his eyes to himself. They must put pretty girls in that box to keep our minds off our own problems.

She glanced at him as if she had read his mind and smiled. He smiled and then looked a way, embarrassed that he had been caught looking at her.

Soon his name was called and he walked into a small warm office. The draperies were of heavy, green tapestries, just like the green in his dreams. The furniture smelled of leather and when he was asked to have a seat he sunk in.

Sort of reminded him of his dream; getting sucked into a position he was not comfortable with.

The doctor introduced himself as Dr. Meyers. He started the conversation off with asking Derek general questions.

Where did you grow up? What do you do for a living? What kind of relationship did you have with your parents? Now, tell me about this recurring dream you are having.

Derek coughed and cleared his throat. He was nervous so he tucked his hands under his legs to keep his fingers from shaking. He began his story from the beginning and didn’t stop until the end.

Dr. Meyers looked up from the notes he was writing and asked, Derek, may I call you Derek instead of Mr. Miller? Derek nodded and the doctor continued.

How do you feel about yourself? Have you ever struggled with who you are? How do you think you fit in with life in general?

Derek sat there and considered what to say. He hung his head down towards his lap as if he was praying and then looked back up at the doctor.

I, well I guess I am alright. I think I fit in. Mom and Dad always taught me that what I did in school was never enough. They always said I could do better. If I got less than an A, they pounded me emotionally to do better. They accused me of goofing off. I guess I carry this into my work today also. I want the boss to know I am giving it my all. I want to be appreciated for all I do.

Dr. Meyers shook his head as Derek talked. Yes, Derek, we all want to please our parents when we are young. But maybe their ideas of good enough were different from your ideas. Maybe you already were doing your best. And although we would all love it, many bosses do not say enough of how much we are appreciated. Sometimes the only time we hear from them is if we screw up. You know what I mean Derek?

Derek chuckled to himself, thinking back to one particular time when he did get called into the big man’s office for not having a report exactly the way he wanted. He guessed this doc may have a point.

I think I understand your dreams Mr. Miller. The dream scared you right? It seems bigger than you see yourself? I think this dream has a title, a main theme, a one-headed horse, on a one-way path. It is called Insecurity.

Derek looked up at him and they locked eyes for a moment as Derek let what the doctor said sink in a little bit.

You mean you think I am afraid of myself?

No, you are not afraid of yourself. You have done very well in fact. You have a good education. From what you say you have nice living quarters. You drive a new car. No, you are insecure about not being good enough in your eyes. The reason you don’t hear anything from your boss is you are doing fine. You and your parents seem to have a good relationship all things considered. You look healthy. You just need to change your train of thought. Bring it up a notch or two. Bring yourself in to this day and age. Let the child go and accept the great person you are as an adult.

Derek took a long deep breath. He felt like a big boulder had been lifted from his shoulders. He knew in his gut this doc was right on target. He stood up when the doctor said time’s up.

Unless you continue to have these dreams I think you are one of the lucky ones. I doubt if we need to schedule any more appointments for you. But I am here if you feel the need.

Derek shook the doctor’s hand and walked out of the building. He stopped out in the sunlight and inhaled deeply the fresh air. He looked at the people walking and the kids riding their bikes. He smiled and went home.

When it was time to go to bed, his fear crept back but not as bad. He was anxious this time to go to sleep to see if he would have his dream. When he awoke the next morning, sun came pouring in his windows. It was a beautiful day and the mean, green dream had vanished.

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Chapter 20

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Henry raced over and jumped on the bed to the other side. There lay Kurt on top of Jane and he was smacking her in the face. He had her blouse unbuttoned, and flesh was poking out from her bra.

“You son of a bitch. Get the hell off of her right now.” Henry grabbed a hold of the back of Kurt’s shirt and yanked him as hard as he could. Kurt reached around and swung at Henry missing his jaw.

“This little girl has to be taught a lesson. I don’t approve much of liars, and she is going to learn to never do it again.”

“I said get off of her, right now.” Henry grabbed his shirt again and this time knocked Kurt backwards. He fell off of Jane and ended up smacking his head against the wall. Henry picked him up by his shirt and belt and threw him up against the wall. Kurt’s head slammed into the wall pushing a piece of the wall inwards.

He reached for him again and picked him up and threw him on to the bed. He began to punch him in the gut and hit him in the face. When he ran out of energy he knocked him onto the floor with his feet.

Kurt could barely stand. Henry left him lay there long enough to check on Jane. “Are you alright? Did he hurt you?” He helped straighten out her clothing and gave her assistance to sit on the bed. He checked her out as good as he could. Seeing she was physically stable, he went back to where Kurt lay and helped him up by the seat of his pants.

He shoved him to the front door and then kicked him out. “Don’t you ever step foot on this property again or I will call the cops on you.” Kurt rubbed his jaw and tasting blood turned back around and said,” I ain’t done with her yet. She better watch her back.”

“And I will kill you if I see you around her ever again. Now get the hell out of here before I change my mind and give you another round of my fist.”

Henry watched as the man left in his car and then remembered his Mom. He ran into the kitchen where she was sitting at the table. Smoking a cigarette she asked,” Who in the hell was that? He came in here so fast, he knocked me over because I evidently was in his way. I turned around to tell him to get out, but then down I went. He is lucky he didn’t break any of my bones.” She rubbed her cheek and felt the back of her head, making sure she was alright.

“Mom, I’m sorry you had to be a part of this, but I have taken care of everything.” He walked over and gave his Mom a kiss on the cheek then left to go check on his wife.

She was laying down when he entered the room. He walked over and sat beside her. “Are you sure you are alright? I don’t think he will ever come near you again. I think he learned a valuable lesson when it comes to messing with my woman.”

Jane touched her lip and felt pain but didn’t see any blood. Henry could see one of her eyes beginning to turn dark. He left the room and then came back with a piece of frozen meat. “Here, put this over that eye. You’re going to end up with a shiner if you don’t.”

She laid it over her eye and felt her ribs with her free hand. She winced from pain. “He scared me to death Henry. I thought he was going to kill me. What made him go ape on me like that? Why me?”

Henry looked at her but he didn’t want to tell her how he had thrown the first punch. He said nothing and she asked him again. “Jane, just don’t worry about nothing. It’s all over now. Why don’t you lay here and get some rest. I am going to go check on Mom again.”

Jane rolled over on her side and again winced from pain. Henry covered her up and then left her to rest. He walked back to the kitchen and saw his Mom still sitting there. He then went out the back door and sat on the steps. He lit up a cigarette and sat there inhaling and enjoying each smoke ring he made.

He knew he had lost control. He realized that he had acted before thinking. Jane would be so mad at him if she knew that he had provoked all of this. She could never find out. He finished his smoke and then went in and told his Mom that he was leaving for a while.

He drove around town and then out to the lake. He sat in his car looking at familiar spots he and Jane had been at. He thought about Jane and the new baby coming. He thought about his Mom and then he thought about the hole in the wall. He started the car and headed for the hardware store to get items needed to patch the wall.

Bruised eye

 

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My Brother’s Life Journey Chapter 7

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Money cash

After Al graduated I was out of the picture off and on. I had been married and lived in Germany for a year. I was expecting my first child. So thoughts drifted in and out of my family life and my new family to be.

When I came home to the States Al had a number of jobs. This is when a new set of problems started. Al had money of his own. A real paycheck that he wished to spend how ever he wanted.

But life doesn’t work this way. We have bills and most of us can not take our money and spend it entirely in one week. Al didn’t understand this. His thoughts were, he made the money, therefore he could spend it as he wished.

He had a car payment and auto insurance. I admit life was much easier when Mom was around. She felt bad for Al because he didn’t make too much money for his hard labor. She often helped hm and swore him to secrecy.

Even with Al’s mental issues he understood that this secret was to his benefit so he was always quiet about it. Al went to several jobs for quite a few years. He worked in a factory but he got fired. He was too friendly with the ladies and he would smile big at them. Often he would tell them they were pretty. These women did not like this and thought he was weird so they reported him and he would be fired.

This went on at a few jobs like this. He worked in egg manufacturing where he had the dirtiest job of all. He had to clean up at the end of the day the mess of cracked and spilled eggs from the machines and the floors.

I always felt bad for him. He worked very hard but because he was mentally challenged his pay was much less, right at the minimum wage. I thought it was unfair but the companies always said the same thing. We can’t get the same production out of him as we can the others.

Some of the other jobs he had he just plain talked to much. He has always been a social butterfly and will speak to anyone who looks his way. He is still like this today if he is having a good day.

I think Mom got tired of all the jobs so she talked to our Aunt and Uncle. They owned a meat market. Meat was brought in and butchered and packaged up. Once again, in my opinion, Al got the crap job.

I won’t say it killed him but gosh darn, it was a  hard job they gave him. He was responsible for taking those half beefs off the racks in the coolers and bringing them out for butchering.  Do you have any idea how much one of those weigh? My Dad told me once that one half weighed 1000 pounds. That is a lot of weight for one person. Many times I watched him do this.

For high season work when deer were bring processed I would work there helping to wrap the finished product. My job was much easier than Al’s and I made more money than he did. I could go on and on about how it isn’t fair to under pay a mentally challenged or disabled adult, but I won’t. It would take me another chapter.

One day the small family business closed and Al was out of a job. Mom got Al involved with a company that helped to hire and house disabled adults. The first thing the company did, and I will call them C.C. for short was to do a month-long load of paperwork.

After this was completed they moved him into an apartment living situation. It was run through C.C. and Al was given the title of Client from then on out. He lived in his hometown with three other gentleman.

They found him a job a half an hour a way. It was a veal farm. I am not sure what he actually did, but I imagine anything that he was asked to in the barns. He got very homesick.

He was too far a way from home. He missed his own bedroom but Mom urged him to keep trying it. She was sure he would adjust and learn to love the freedom he was allowed. Al never learned to cook. He is deathly afraid of fire and so never wanted to learn to use the stove.

I believe the way it was set up is that each of the four guys had special knowledge of one thing or another. When you put this all together, you had a house that was clean and the clients were fed.

One time Mom paid a visit to Al and she went into shock when she was let in by one of the guys. There was Al and a female client from another C.C.  apartment sitting on the couch together. They were holding hands and watching a pornographic movie on the VCR machine.

Mom didn’t believe in this at all. Even at home when I lived there I saw Mom one time in her slip. Walking around half-dressed was not allowed nor proper in our home. Cussing was not allowed either. Mom was a God-fearing woman and very strict in this area with us kids. I remember one time Mom was so mad at Dad that she said shit.

I thought I would die laughing when I heard her. What a naughty word that was. Mom’s excuse was, he just makes me so darn mad. I shouldn’t have said it and make sure you don’t say it either.

At this age, I had definitely already said it before but I wasn’t going to tell her. Well, she told Al to get up and get in the car. She took what she could take on that trip and took him home. She went back and got the rest of his things and then when she got home she made the phone call.

I saw my son in a position that may lead to sexual encounters and he was watching that sex stuff on his VCR. I’m sorry, he can’t live there anymore. You don’t watch him good enough. I have him home now. I will call tomorrow and make an appointment to see what other options we have.

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When We Wish Upon a Star

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Twinkling Stars Timelapse

When we wish upon a star

We’re not really

Wondering who we are

We are thinking

Far from this

We are thinking

About that kiss

The one that was

Placed upon our lips

The magical night

Brought with so much bliss

Terry Shepherd

04/23/2013

.

 

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Al’s LIfe Journey, Chapter 6

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Panic attack

Panic attack

This week could have been better for me. I have suffered minor set backs of almost panic attack feelings. Stress and tight muscles as I went to bed and waking in the mornings  to the same feelings. I wondered if I even slept well at all through the nights.

This has been happening to me ever since the day I thought Jesus was standing very near to me. I think that my mind races like a spinning top about all kinds of things. Al coming home soon. Will I be able to do everything I need to when he is here? The inner guilt of choosing Al over working outside the home. Wondering now that I have written a few chapters what really happened to Al when he was little.

It just seems I do not stop the thought process, and I have learned to hide beneath my covers and sleep. This doesn’t help me long-term. I realize it is a temporary fix but at times it is enough to relax me some.

As I was about at my wit’s end last evening where I just wanted to pull my hair out, fall to my knees in tears, a good friend of mine from Canada called to chat. She told me that she felt she was supposed to call.

God has the perfect timing. He knew that I had enough. My bucket was ready to spill over and he sent a friend to the rescue. We talked for over an hour. I almost didn’t want to talk at first. It is very difficult for me to release the silly feelings that I carry inside. It is much easier for me to pretend that life is good and all is well.

My friend is a very strong Christian woman and so I was able to confide in her questions that had been spinning in my mind and we talked through them. By the time we hung up my tight chest had relaxed and I felt an inner peace I had not felt all of this week.

She made me see the light about caring for Al versus having money in my hands. She told me that God will take care of my needs as long as I am sincere. I feel very sincere when I say out loud, I want my brother home with me. I want to give him all the support I can. I want him to know that he is loved and I will be here with him through this journey of his life.

Maybe once Al is home I can get the routine down pretty well and pick up a job caring for someone else while he is at Day Program. I dare to say that my first book is now done and getting ready to be published very soon, that this would make me any money. I didn’t write it for that reason, to get rich. I know that is a foolish dream.

I wrote it for my children for when I am no longer here. I wanted to leave a mark here on earth, a memory of how I think, but if God wanted me to make money off of it, he will. He is an amazing God and what ever he wishes for me will all be good.

I think one of my deepest thoughts that fly around in my head is Al. When I read back what I have written I see what I was put through at a very early age. I see  how my innocence was stolen from me. But, what about Al? Surely there are reasons that he was so afraid in those young years. I don’t believe that children are born afraid. Something or someone has placed that fear.

My friend and I prayed together over the phone that God shows me how to help Al release the hidden fears he has kept buried all of these years. I can do nothing to help him alone. I have tried so many therapy sessions with him and we get no where. But God can do anything.

It won’t help Al rid the disease of Parkinson’s Disease. It could release bad memories and bring him a release and therefore joy. Seeing Al carry joy in his heart and the two of us leaning on each other can not do anything but help us both.

Knowing that Al believes in his heart that I really do love him would be wonderful. To see him trust me totally would be so wonderful. So now I ask the Almighty God to help me to help Al.

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Daily Prompt; History of Language

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Tomato (Tamatar)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com-DP-Daily Prompt-Daily Post

Write a piece of fiction describing the incident that gave rise to the phrase, “third time’s the charm.”

Right after high school, in fact, the first Saturday after graduation, Sue married her high school sweetheart. She was so in love and it showed in each day of their marriage. But Ron had a hidden secret. A bad temper followed him like the blackest of shadows.

When the two had their first big fight it shocked Sue so much when he slammed her against the living room wall. After thinking about it she just knew that he didn’t mean to do it. Sue knew that he loved her as much as she loved him.

She went to him and apologized for what ever she had done to set him off. He smiled and said, “I’m sorry Baby. I don’t know what got into me. I guess it was just the way it came out of your mouth. It seemed you didn’t understand what I was saying and you were not on my side.”

Sue wiggled closer to him on the couch and gave him her biggest smile thinking to herself, I will always think about the words I use and the tone I carry before I speak. This was all my fault.

After history repeated itself for four more years Sue decided to file for a divorce as she lie in her hospital bed recovering from a broken jaw.

She blamed herself for the divorce and lost all of her self-esteem. She felt she wasn’t good enough for any man so the first time she met Jeff at a local pub, he introduced her to some of his good buddies. They drank and even smoked a little pot. What Sue didn’t realize is that one of these good buddies had slipped a drug into her drink.

She didn’t care what she was doing and with whom she was doing it with. They ended up at one of the friends pads and she was passed among the guys like she was the  main appetizer.

A year later as she was walking back and forth trying to calm her baby she finally got baby Jane to sleep. She put her in her crib and went into her own bedroom. Closing the drapes and kneeling beside her bed she prayed.

Dear God, I have made so many mistakes. I have believed what wasn’t true. I have let myself sink down into the gutters. I know I am better than this because you told me so years ago. Please help me Lord. Help me to trust in you and to stand tall once again with my head held high. Help me to take care of my baby God. Open my eyes and let me see only the good around me. God if you can guide me to a decent man I promise that I will look closely instead of making rash decisions. I don’t want to live alone God. I don’t want to raise Jane without a Daddy. Amen

About a year later Sue and Jane were grocery shopping. She was trying to pick out some ripe tomatoes. A gentleman across from her was doing the same thing. He picked up the brightest, reddest tomato and handed it to her. “Is this what you are searching for? he asked, looking straight into her eyes.

Sue blushed and told him yes and took the tomato from him. Without asking the two went through the aisles of the store talking like they had been friends forever. Bob talked to Jane and had her giggling in no time.

When it was time to check out Bob asked her if he could call her later in the week to take her and Jane out for supper. Sue hesitated and looked up toward  the ceiling thinking, could this be it? God could he be the one? Please give me a sign if you want me to walk a way from this opportunity.

Sue didn’t get any bad feelings and so she looked back at Bob and answered,”yes, that would be nice. Here is my phone number.”

“Thank-you Sue. I will be calling you probably in a couple of days.”

The three parted and as she was loading her groceries into her car she thought to herself, third times a charm.

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Daily Prompt; Imperfection

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Sistine Chapel ceiling, Michelangelo, The Liby...

Sistine Chapel ceiling, Michelangelo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/   DP, Daily Prompt

Imperfections — in things, in people, in places — add character to life. Tell us about an imperfection that you cherish.

 

I used to be ashamed of myself because I was not the life of the party. I do admit that I used to laugh and giggle a lot more, but things change about yourself as you move through the months and years.

Now thanks to writing I have learned to accept my imperfection which is nothing other than Weird. What is the definition of weird?

fantastic; bizarre: a weird get-up.

Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.
I think that writers and artists such as Michelangelo are thinkers more than doers. Our brains are not following the patterns of others. We day-dream, we think about our future.
Instead of thinking about what is for supper we may be wondering why people take so much advantage of the elderly or even the disabled as I wrote about earlier today in Reverse Mortgage.
I can remember when my Dad died and Al was on  his own for a short while. I was shocked at the credit cards he had in his wallet. I knew he could not handle them at all. He has never understood the full capacity of money.
He was in debt too. He owed great amounts on these cards. I would call the companies and explain his mental challenge and disabilities, but they didn’t give a hoot. He owed, he applied for the card, so tough.
All Al had to do is get the mail. There were tons of junk mail advertising of course, for credit cards. Al would fill out the basic information and send it in. Yippee, they would send him a card.
I tried talking to the mail delivery system to stop sending junk mail in his name but they didn’t cooperate with me either. For quite a while I spent time teaching money management with him but it didn’t work. I had to end up paying off all his cards.
There are times when I wish my brain thought for the moment I live in. Oh what fun I could be having not thinking farther ahead. I could go out and date anyone I wanted to. Why worry about getting a disease or being dumped, I was having fun for the minute.
I dream about starting groups to help teach others. I see the lack of this or that in our society and dream about fixing it. Believe it or not I have pictured myself as a famous pianist or singer. I am a dreamer and I like to control my future. I like to control my fate.
So I am a little bizarre I guess and a little not normal. I think too much. I wonder what it would be like to not be a thinker. Would I be able to write like I do? Probably not, I would probably be telling you something silly about nothing.
Being weird has made me unique. I am not just a caregiver but a helper in my own small way. I sort of like being the wall flower. I don’t have to have my phone ringing off the hook. I just need it to ring sometimes.
I don’t have to be the bell of the ball. I may just pick up a beach ball and try to figure out how they got it so perfectly round and wonder what the machine looks like that made it.  Then after I toss it around for a while I may go to the beach with it and give it to some kids. Then I would pull out my camera and take photos of these kids running and laughing chasing it around the park.
I would take notice of the lonely lady sitting by herself and I would wander over to her and sit next to her and start a conversation. I most likely would take some photos of wildlife and the delicate petals starting to bloom on the flowers.
Yeah, I like not being normal or maybe even a little weird.
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This Is My Hope

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Circle in the Sand

If we pretend to be

Something for your eyes to see

But then when we are all alone

We know we are not cloned

We must not hide our thoughts

Nor pretend we forgot

What truly fits our name

We must not play the game

Don’t ever be afraid

To show what God made

My thoughts are mine

And yours are divine

We are allowed to stand up tall

Never leaning into the wall

Stepping out in faith

Walking through human race

With joy in our heart

But never apart

We remain as common ground

We circle and come around

Giving hope to others

Grieving with our brothers

Treating them as we

Hope to be treated by thee

Put forth the work

Don’t be a jerk

Don’t be unkind

Let peace be in our mind

This is my hope I am proud to say

That we come together in this small way.

Terry Shepherd

03/27/2013

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Whispers In The Breeze

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English: Willow Trees beside the Cam Within th...

Weeping willow trees

Are my favorite of all

Flowing gently in the breeze

Reaching fingers around me

Bring me comfort as I stand

Under your wings

Protected from all evil

No one can harm me

As I hide within your beauty

I watched you from afar

One day not long ago

I thought of the prior

Times I used to sit

Beside you thinking

Some day I will

Myself be buried next to you

But instead today

It is not my turn

To rest in forever peace

For today as I watch your

Flowing branches

I don’t feel the peace

I have always known before

Instead I hear the words

Of the minister giving

His last words of wisdom

Reminding me you are

In a better place

As tears cloud my vision

I can still see you

Off in the distance

Remembering the

Words I whispered only to you

I have to wait my turn

Because at this moment

I am placing your empty shell

Near the whispers in  the breeze .

Terry Shepherd

03/18/2013

I have been thinking of you so much Dad as we are getting ready to prepare for another soul to come to rest. I love you Dad and miss you

 

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