Lessons In Life

The saying is, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I believe you can. I am considered middle-aged, and am starting to see I am getting set in my ways in life, but I was taught a new thing this morning, and I have sat straighter, and have taken a new look at my life, and am now thankful and yet fearful.

I have been living my life through Al’s actions, and I now realize this has been wrong to a point. I have also been preparing myself for the future. I actually hate doing this, as I am not God, therefore, I do not know the time or the day when our lives here on earth will end.

I believe the brain kicks into a slow-moving gear, maybe a shuttle, slowly adjusting to what will happen down the long path of life. I think it keeps us out of the shock mode. I know of many instances, when a young person, or a healthy human, has been lifted by God, to live with him, instead of showing his presence here on earth. We go into shock, surprise. We mourn heavily for the loss of our friend, co-worker, or family member. Children especially are the hardest to deal with, as we expect them to live for ever, and even out live our own selves. It takes our minds weeks, sometimes months,maybe years  to get through this and past it. So, I am thankful in a way, that my brain has started to adjust to what could happen.

Today, though, I have learned from a dear friend, whose family member also suffers from Parkinson’s, that Al is not going anywhere, if normal circumstances continue. I believe I have fallen into the trap of listening and taking the words from Al and letting them sink too far in my heart.

Yes, he is suffering, I do agree. Yes, he walks with much struggle, and wobbles back and forth. Yes, he is very slow, and is beginning to struggle with drinking and speaking, but he is safe, in the fact, that he still can walk, talk, use the restroom, and dress himself.

When I learned that there could be more likely worse things to come, I had a wake-up call. Al could come to the point he can no longer walk, will not recognize me, can no longer be fed normal food, and he may want to sleep more than stay awake. The coca-cola could become a distant memory, and his new awakening for vintage cars, could become a thing of the past.

I don’t know for sure if this is something God wants me to learn or not, but my gut says yes. I believe God wants me to wait on him, to listen with my heart, and to let my fears go into God’s worry basket. I believe that God wants me to live for today, and pause only for tomorrow, glancing at it with a dim light, but not concentrate on the what ifs.

I believe that God wants me to place my trust in him, and not in the world. You can hear the doctors words, you can read all of the books, but when it comes down to black and white, it is very clear, the color is all white, pure white, our lives are in God’s hands, his perfect timings. I believe that God is using Al’s illness to teach me humbleness, thankfulness, and to walk an even closer walk with our Lord.

I talked to Al, who is in a constant pattern of seeing only himself. I told him my thoughts on how it can sometimes be a bad thing, a negative thing, to see only ourselves, and not see the wonders of what God is doing in our lives.

He didn’t understand, which I was already prepared for, and I explained to him what could happen to him in the future with this illness. I taught him what I learned, that God wants us to be forever grateful for this moment that we are given. He looked at me, and I felt the click, that he understood a big part of what I was saying. His comment was, you mean God wants me to be like this? I said no, but he wants us to give thanks for what he is giving us for this day today.

He said nothing and lowered his head to his lap. We both sat in silence for a few moments, he and I pondering on the lives we are living, thanking God for each moment we have, and that we have this time together to share. Someday, each of us are going to leave our memories for others to ponder on, but for today, I just want to lower myself on bended knee, and say Thank-you to God for using my brother and his illness, to draw me closer to you. Thank-you for being gentle and loving in your teachings to me. You are perfect in your teachings and timings, and for this I praise your name.

Give Me The Strength Of Two

Is it time to think of alternatives?  I don’t know how much more I can take of not being able to physically help Al anymore.

Here is what happened just now.  I hadn’t had Al out of the house today, although he decided to go out by himself. He said he was going to ride his scooter, and I saw him leave, but in five minutes he was back. I then saw him sit on the outdoor couch, and it took him great effort to lift his legs upon the couch, but I held my cool. I didn’t rush out to help him like I usually do, I wanted him to do it himself, if at all possible.

Al also decided, without telling me, that he was going to shave with his electric razor. Now I don’t think this is a bad thing, EXCEPT, he shaves in one spot over and over, until the skin becomes raised, raw, and red. It takes a lot of medicating from me to get the skin back to normal. I just wish he would let me do it, but I  understand his wanting to complete a task for himself, but today, he went one step further. He decided to eject the short trimmer piece on the razor, and proceed to clip his mustache. When he came out to show me, I didn’t know whether to flip out, smile and say nothing, or let my eyeballs pop out! I chose door number two. I said GREAT JOB AT TRYING BUD!. He lets me know that he didn’t get it exactly right because he messed up. I had no choice but to agree on this, so now when I look at Al, I try very hard not to cock my head to the side, in order to see a straight mustache.

Tonight, for supper we went to Wal-Mart, because each of us needed a set of sheets for our beds, so we got two pairs, that we could each interchange on the beds, in colors that we both liked. I also know there is a Subway inside the store, and to save Al’s strength, we did the all-in-one thing, one store, one shopping.

After we ate, which I should say we did first, then shopped, and we got the sheets, we lazily went over to the grocery aisle. Now most of you know what the super center Wal-Mart look like. It is like looking over to the other side of grand canyon. It never ends, and we were at the back of the store, by the eggs and milk area.

All of a sudden Al is crying, and he is saying my back, my back! I look back at him and  he is leaning like the leaning tower, so far over, I can not see the steering column of the scooter any longer. I do a quick assessment, and decide his back is hurting from being bent over too far. I ask him to please try to sit up, and he listens and sits up, but only for a couple of seconds and back down he goes.

I mentally take note of what I absolutely have to have from the grocery part, so I do not  have to take Al back out for a while, and with my prompting over and over for him to sit up straight, he and I make it through the necessary aisles, while Al is crying and this time everyone is watching that is near by, because Al is out of control totally.

There is no going back and no going forth, we are stuck right there a third of the way from the registers.  He has lost all interests of listening and understanding, so I get behind Al and I hold his body upright, while he manuevers the scooter towards the registers.

Don’t ask me why, but I am getting darn sick and tired of rude people!! People will not move out-of-the-way, if they are talking, kids running all over the store, me almost running one of them down tonight! I don’t expect special rules to be taken towards us, but if you see a grown man crying, and an older woman hanging on to the back of his shirt, trying to hold him up in a scooter, don’t you think they would get the hell out-of-the-way???

We make it to the registers, and I place all of our goodies on the counter, and we pay and we finally make it through the doors of the all for one and one for all store. Awww, peace and quiet. no, wait, hang on a minute, not another disaster, what?

At the car, as I am placing all the groceries and non-edibles in the trunk, Al takes it upon himself to get off of the scooter and make his way to the passenger side of the car. Now, if I was watching this scene from another car, I would call the police, complaining of a drunk man walking the parking lot. Al is bouncing off the car, back into the car, and then trips and falls. He is in his frozen mode!

I throw my keys and my purse into the trunk, no wait stupid, don’t put your keys in the trunk, so I grab them and go to Al, and check him over. No, God watched over him, no scrapes, or blood. I get him into the car and get him buckled up and his tears turn into storms. I could do nothing more, or I didn’t have the energy to stand their and watch the rain inside the car, and I had nothing to say. I walked back to the trunk, and finished loading the gold, oh, sorry, I mean the pricey bags into the trunk, and we left and came home. He went to his bedroom and pulled out of his closet, the lift, the fat gadget, that you sit on top of the toilet, so you can sit easier? Yes, you know what I mean, the high-rise seat! Between Al’s enlarged prostate issues he has had for a couple of years, and the Parkinson’s not letting him go number one, he ends up bent in a half curtsey position, waiting for the process to start. I guess he got tired of his knees bending, so he is using the lift I bought him with no arguments anymore.

He just came out, as I am finishing this story up, and said to me, why is this Parkinson’s wanting to kill me.

My time is up on here, and now I need to go sit on his bed and listen to more of why he and I can’t fix it.

Did You Miss Me, If You Say No, Tell Me A Lie And Say You Did!

Did you miss me? Did you notice I wasn’t on here like I usually am to respond to your replies or even toss in a new blog?

This photo I inserted explains why. One of several trees down.

It was a hot day yesterday, just like being back in Florida.103 degrees, and some humidity.

We spent more time outside cleaning up the yard, then we did in the cool house. Why? Because I am silly. I knew there were chances of rains coming and I wanted to have the yard picked up prior to the storm. It was supposed to be a storm coming out of Chicago with lots of rain, which we needed so badly. We have been in a drought for the last month, with all other areas north and south of us getting their required rains, bypassing our area. Did we do something wrong, were we being punished? I promise to be a good girl, if you bring us some rain. Do I need to get out and do the Indian rain dance? Please don’t make me?

My son and his family were down here, and after cleaning up some, they decided to get in the pool for some cooling off and fun. They swam for about an hour, while I swung in the swing just enjoying the day. After they got out, we fixed a summer days lunch, bologna sandwiches, chips and watermelon. We sat around and watched TV and just relaxed.

My son went back outside and noticed the skies were looking a little weird. Darkness was in the far sight in the skies. He came in and told us about it and we all had to get a look at this unusual color of the sky. He turned on his scanner and we heard that an unexpected storm had popped up and was heading our way within minutes. Minutes? No, not minutes, I haven’t had my shower or combed my hair. Please wait!

There was very little time to wait. We proceeded to take the tent down and put this in the shed, and then we took off all of the cushions off the furniture and placed them inside of the gazebo and we lowered that at half mass and tied it down for that level. The one grandson took his and his little brother’s bikes and laid them down flat. Our son moved his John Deere out of harms way

The dark skies turned quickly to green skies. This was to be a wicked storm with sixty mile per hour winds and too big of hail. We had everything done and I went over the plan of where to go inside the house if we got these winds. If they heard me yell, bathrooms, they were to take off for the hills! LOL.

I barely got my words out and saw their heads nod in affirmation of their understanding, when the winds appeared suddenly! A plastic trash can was picked up and tossed through the air, and the trees were bending in a curtsy. I yelled, BATHROOMS! Everyone ran for the house and disappeared into the bathrooms, except me and my son. Al was in his bathroom, and the grandkids were in my bathroom. The lights went out  faster than turning off the switches. The central air was quieted. Silence inside the house, the winds were ripping the trees back and forth. The gazebo was dancing a disco style, flapping its sides, bending too and fro. We could hear hail bouncing off the windows, and the house actually shook from the winds. I was reminded of the tornado I was in when I was at church camp scared, but because I prayed for my family and home, I wasn’t afraid this time.

As fast as this monster came it left. I called a, you can all come out now from hiding,and we all ventured outside to have a look. No damages in my own yard, but right behind us was this tree. One of a few trees that were uprooted. The photo is above for you to see also.

We started picking up big branches and twigs. I looked at the clock and it was getting time for Al’s medications and his supper. We still had no power, so we all jumped in our cars and went to Wal-Mart for a while. Al is on a new collecting habit, replica cars, vintage style. This was the first isle we seeked out, and of course, he picked one out. I got him a new sleeveless shirt. As he is losing muscle and weight, we buy him more clothes more often now. After leaving the store we went to KFC to eat supper, but it was closed, due to no electricity. We noticed that whole section had no street lights working and no business was open anywhere. We made our way to the opposite side of town, and boy, was it crowded everywhere.

I didn’t know what to do, Al needed his meds, I had no electricity at home, and people were lined up outside the doors at the few restaurants we passed. My quick thinking told everyone that we stop at Wendy’s. Al likes Wendy’s and I would just take him ahead and sit him down at some empty seats to wait for us to get through the line. The two grandchildren, sat with him so they were helping out a lot, by saving a few tables for us. Al would never had made it five minutes waiting in line, he would have collapsed right there from his weakness from Parkinson’s.

We finally got to be waited on and took all the food to the tables where they were waiting for us. We ate and talked about the storm damages. Everyone else in hearing distance were also talking about the same thing.

After supper we came home and there was no electricity as of yet. There was still daylight left, so we sat outside and just chatted, but darkness kept creeping nearer.  We talked about what it was like in the 1900′s and what they did and how they lived without central air, Tv, and computers. This made us think about the game badminton. My son went to his house and got his generator, and when he came back, he hooked this up to a light. We sat the badminton net up and sat Al up beside us in a chair with his diet pop, and we played this game until around midnight.

We had more fun than anytime I can remember of lately. We laughed when we each missed the birdie, and chased after it when we knew it was going to hide in the shadows.

The kids were tired, and so was Al. Still no electricity, we made our way into the house, with a flashlight, and I washed Al up with baby wipes and clean boxer briefs and helped him lie down on the living room couch. My family went home to their own beds, and I smiled as I made my way to my own bed, thanking God for this gift of the needed rain, and to spend hours just laughing with family, and giving me quality time with the ones I love. This storm brought a special rainbow into my life.

The electricity suddenly came back on at seven am this morning. Day light is given back to us. I put the flashlights and candles back in their rightful spots. Al fixes his breakfast, and I take a shower. After his breakfast, I give him his shower. Laundry is started, cleaning is picked up once again. Life goes on, but now I have a reason to smile today. Remembering yesterday.

Raise Your Glass!

I saw this photo on my Facebook and it reminded me of myself, and what I have been trying to tell my children of lately.

I am not what I used to be, but I keep trying. I can’t move the furniture like I used to. I can’t run anymore, unless I want to break an ankle.

My son will come down and lift something with one hand, and hint that I am a weakling. What he doesn’t realize is that before I asked him for help, I had already spent much time on trying to pick the darn thing up myself. It is like a slap in the face by my age number, that I have to realize I am not 21 anymore.

It was the funniest thing last fall. I was at Wal-Mart and I saw something that reminded me of my youth. A hoola hoop. When I was young I used to play with one for hours. I could walk with it moving, dance with it not falling. I felt like a kid, so I spent the five dollars and bought me one. The next day I took it outside, and I spent quite a bit of time, trying to get it to move, to flow without falling beneath my knees. My hips are bigger now then when I was young,so the stupid thing should stay in place. After trying and trying, I had to come to the conclusion it wasn’t the size of my hips, it was that the hips had gone stiff. They would not move gracefully, therefore, allowing the hoop to drop to the ground over and over. I got more exercise bending down and picking it up then the actual moves for the hoop.

Will I be able to let go of things I do now as I age? My mind says I can go for ever, but when I see the photo above, I may have to be told, Mom, give me the keys.

We need to keep our eyes on the Lord above, that he will fill our minds and souls with new experiences. He will need to teach me patience, as I am forced to admit that I can no longer be safe while driving, that I may hurt someone by not being able to brake quick enough.

Growing older is supposed to be wonderful, entering the golden years.  I say phooey to this. I don’t want to grow old. I don’t want to others to drive me where I need to go. I want to keep my youth, but I may have to be content with my wonderful memories instead.

I say raise your glass to spunk, vitality, laughter, love and life! Hip hip hooray!!

Our Trip to Wal-Mart

Muscles of the gluteal and posterior femoral regions. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want to take this moment and share my thoughts and concerns with you.

Yesterday, my son asked me if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart. A way to get out of the house and to get Al’s mind on something other than  his pains. I said sure, why not.

We got to the store and the first place we headed was for the big bin of Hot Wheel Toys. In my mind I was smiling, as I see my son and my brother, both adult men, rummaging through each car package. They were like children in a candy store! Their dreams becoming a slight reality as each of them picked out cars that they wished they owned.

Al picked out five cars, and then he decided that there was no better car than a Johnny Lightening car. I have to admit, I had no idea what this was, but I didn’t let on. I said that this was a great idea! I wish I had thought of this myself for him! He just smiled at me and took his scooter over to the boys toy aisle, and began his search. We did find a few of them, and I learned quickly, that they are not only a better looking car, they are also more than eighty-eight cents. These cars were over five dollars each. When I looked into his eyes, and saw the stars shining through, I could not resist telling him he could choose one. In the end he had acquired six new cars. To me it was worth it just to see he had forgotten his pains and he was smiling.

I picked up a flash drive for myself, and my candy I am addicted to, Wintergreen life savors. It may sound disgusting to you, but I love to have one in my mouth, as I am drinking my morning coffee. It does something to the coffee flavor, sometimes I splurge and will have a total of three of them, with my two cups of morning coffee! Try it, you’ll like it! Isn’t that the old common phrase?

After we all had gotten what we came for, we decided to go to the restaurant inside of Wal-Mart, Subway, and grab some lunch. We all walked in that direction, and when we arrived, we all got in line to place our order, except Al.

Al was stuck in his scooter. His leg was frozen, and his knee would not bend. When I glanced back to see if he was getting out of the scooter, I saw his familiar tears running down his cheeks. I left the others in the ordering line and went over to help him get out of his seat. I couldn’t get him out. I tried bending his leg, no good. I tried scooting him to the opposite side, but the steering column was in his way, and there was no moving his body.

I blanked everyone out in the restaurant. I did not care who was looking, or if anyone was talking about this scene anymore. I had finally reached the point in my life, that I had to overlook my emotional drama about what people think anymore. This was about Al, and I needed to be his hero and get him out of this chair!

After much struggling, which probably was only seconds, but seemed minutes, I stood there and tuned everyone out, including Al, and closed my eyes in prayer. Asking God to use his strength through me, and to place a thought inside of my head, on how to complete this task.

It was like feeling a miracle happening, not seeing, but actually feeling it. I had Al’s leg in my hand, and it had felt like a block of cement until now. His leg became instantly putty. I was able to bend it with little effort, and I was able to place it in the perfect position, where it came right out. God wiped his tears away, and we were able to make our way, the two of us, over to the ordering line. All of us ordered, and our lunch continued as if we had never encountered a problem. Thank you God.

Last evening I suggested to Al that we go give him  his shower. It took him quite a few seconds to be able to rise out of the chair, but he did it himself. As we walked through the house, I noticed that his leg was reminding me of a pirate’s leg. It was stiff as a board, not wanting to bend at the knee. He was without trying to , throwing his leg somewhat to the outer side of his body as he walked.

He cried once again. He is so frustrated with his life. I know I sound like a broken record here, but this is what he feels every day. Frustrations, a sense of declining in his body, the pains in his legs.

I cry out so many times to God, to please help him. I remember once a few years back that someone had told me, that I only needed to pray once for what it was I thought I needed. If I prayed more than once, than I was showing God, that I didn’t trust that he heard me, or I was being too impatient, not waiting for his perfect moment. Whether there is truth in this statement or not, I do not know for sure, but I do know, that today, I need God to hear my prayers. Prayers asking for help in Al’s healing, removing his pains and emotional sufferings. I will and do pray many times a day for Al. It feels right to me, and it is comforting to me, as I know the only true miracle worker is God. This alone brings me comfort.

Today, is a brand new day. Al is not up yet, but I have already ask God to help us through this day. I know that this is all due to the Parkinson’s. I have read the writings on this terrible disease. I know the toll it is taking on his body, and what lies ahead for the two of us, but I don’t deal with it well, the final results of this chapter in our lives.

May today God will be looking down on Al, soothing him, comforting him, as not even I can comfort enough. May I see peace in one smile or a twinkle from his eyes. It is Sunday God, a day of rest. Let Al have rest today.