I Want to Find the Groove


 

 

 

Standing in a crowd

No room to turn about

I notice the lights

As your body turns up and out

 

I catch your eye

You look my way

People disappear

And we become our  prey

 

Standing side by side

We feel each others heat

I spin you around

Then you lie at my feet

 

I reach out and touch

The silk of your hair

You rise up to me

And I want to take you there

 

Fingers grasp and lock

Feet begin to move

I want to feel you baby

I want to find the groove

 

Walking past the crowd

Who stands along the sides

We disappear from sight

Tonight will be the night

 

The room is lit by sparks

Chill is replaced by heat

The two of us together

Now moving to the beat.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

04.23.2014

woman-silhouette-sample[6]

I Did It!


Well, I did it. I got through the million questions. She asked, I cried and answered.Al and me Christmas 2013 So much brought back again. I listened to you, my friends. You cheered me on. You told me I could do it. Al even told me he would be here with me emotionally. I clung to those words as she asked things like, ” How did he die? Did he have MSA? How many years did you care for him? Why did you place him in a nursing home?” It went on and on.

Hospice promised they would stay in touch with me after Al’s funeral. The last time I saw or heard from them, was his funeral. I am so thankful that my daughter took me home with her and her family.

I am so thankful for my daughter-in-laws, Heather and Kristin for taking out of their family time and spending time with me. I am so thankful for Peggy and Sue, who have made me get out of this house.

Oh Lord, I am so thankful for all of my blogging friends, my Facebook friends. You don’t know how much I have counted on all of you. I thank Shona for picking me up off the floor emotionally and telling me I can do this.

When I am here in the house alone my heart spills out on to the floors. When the silence comes at night and the lights go out, the sense of Al not being here is extreme.

With all of your help I am able to get through each day. I am having more minutes that are calm, which must mean I am slowly healing.

Please, if you have a family member or friend, or someone you think about and tell yourself you need to give them a call, don’t hesitate. You never know when you may not have that chance.

For me, I knew Al wasn’t going to be here forever. I got that chance to say everything to him I ever wanted to. We were able to do so many things together when the illness was in its lighter stages.

So many of us don’t get these warnings. Instead we get a phone call in the middle of the night. Or we hear about it elsewhere. Take a moment my friends, and thank God and your lucky stars that you have people in your life. I know I do it each and every day.

Do I Have to do This?


I don’t know what has been wrong with me the past couple of days but I have been tired and a little jittery. When I go out in public I tend to go into panic mode. I find myself wanting to go go home where I am safe;even though I accepted the invitation to go to an outing.

I find a few of those dizzy spells are coming back. Sleep helps. Last night I actually went to bed by 9. I don’t think I have done that in years. After chatting on Facebook I actually turned out the lights and went to sleep.

I woke up at 2am. I watched TV for a few minutes then went back to sleep. I woke up at 6:30 this morning still feeling tired. I figure I had too much sleep now. I am a little on edge already. It upsets me. I want to just shake it loose. I want to smile and giggle.

Maybe knowing a lady is coming here at 9 this morning is the culprit. She is cominng to ask questions about Al and how he died. I was told she had to do this according to State laws so Al can be considered legally gone from this earth and his case can be permanently closed.

Permanently closed? Deceased and gone? Case closed? I put her off already for a couple of days but now I have to do this. I wish I did not have to endure this alone. It makes me feel like I am preparing to go to his funeral again. Well guess I will finish my coffee and go take a shower.Image

Temporary Home


What a windy, chilly day. For the next few days we, here in Indiana, will be experiencing some last taste of winter. Frost over night and cooler days in the day hours. Spring has taken a hard road to reach us here in the Midwest, but I believe that it will remain and turn those buds into blossoms and the flowers into those we can smile at.

I had a comment earlier from a dear friend AR. She mentioned something about Moving Towards the Light. It caught and held my attention. Moving towards the light. It rolls smoothly from my tongue.

Each of us, no matter who we are, are moving towards that light or the last days of our lives. It seems that it is miles away for some. For others, it starts to enter our mind as we age. With me turning the big 60 yesterday I thought about it.

Actually, I pondered on it much more when Al was still with me. He cried out so many times that he wanted to go home. To the stranger listening to this, they may have wondered what do you mean go home? You are home.

This is a temporary home we live in. An earth where we make choices. We live good and bad lives. We choose to drink or not, smoke or not, steal or not. So many choices, and some we make without thinking twice.

But when I look back at Al, he knew which home he wanted to go to. He wanted the mansion in the sky. The healing of Jesus, the  pain-free body. I have no doubt Al believed in God and I am quite sure he is walking with Jesus right now.

Many times I look up to the heavens and if I am quiet, I can feel his warm smile upon me. I can sometimes hear his voice in my mind letting me know he is just fine, and he is saving that special spot for me.

Without realizing it we move through this dark world struggling to see the light of it. There isn’t really any reason not to enjoy each day we are gifted. There isn’t a valid reason for us to ponder on the what ifs.

I know God is in charge of my life because I asked him to be. If he can provide food for the birds, than certainly he will see that I am always fed. If he can heal the blind or forgive the prostitute then he will care for me. All I have to do is ask him for his help, tell him I love him, trust in him, and enjoy the days he has granted me.

I have a job to do while I breathe this air. I have my own desires and wishes, but God knows the perfect job I must perform. So as I walk and breathe and I inch closer to the light, I promise myself to trust more in God and to walk towards the light with a softer step.04-52

I don’t often speak of God in a topic that is so large. So many points to listen to. Arguments have broken out over this subject matter, but today, I feel compelled. I feel led to speak what is on my mind.

Thanks to Al’s illness I have grown much closer to God than ever. Not to say that it was easy. There were many times I was angry at God. So many questions I would yell out to him. When I get to heaven I will know all the answers; but maybe it won’t be necessary to understand all the details. Maybe once I see Al, I can toss all the whats, and whys and just know by seeing my brother, all is well.

I will continue to walk towards that light and try to live the life that I feel I should live. I bet if I look real close I will see many of you walking on the same path as me, maybe right beside me.

Blogging Friends, Facebook Friends, Family


I have had so many well wishers for my birthday today. For this I will always be grateful. My brother used to celebrate my special day with me. He would purchase my birthday dinner and then remind me how much he spent on it when it came time for me to buy his birthday dinner.

Yet there is a part of me that is suffering emotionally. Instead of each day getting better it isn’t. Instead of the many conversations between bloggers and Facebook, I continue to cry. coca cola flag

Ever since Saturday arrived and I somehow came to the shocking conclusion that Al really isn’t coming back, I have been a piece of a limp,wet rag. Crying for many reasons, but crying for my own loss of what once was here in my home.

You have all been so kind. I feel guilt as I realize I have not snapped out of this mood and continued to move forward yet. I do have a few good days, and I am very grateful for this, but these past few days have just been horrible.

Please be patient with me. I am trying very hard to comment on blogs. I am trying to smile. I am trying not to cry. I am trying to show you I have not forgotten you. I am trying to get through. I will get better. This will get easier, I promise, if you can just stay with me.

I Remember

 

I know what once was

I remember it all so clear

When I took care of you

My little brother dear

And now these nice people

And you from up above

Are looking out for me

And sending all this love.

Love you brother,

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

Your sis

4.21.2014

 

I know in my heart I will never walk alone. Thank-you, each of you, for being here for me as I stumble this rocky path called life.

Dust in the Wind


http://dailypost.wordpress.com

DP, Daily Prompt

Have you made your bucket list? Now’s the time — write about the things you want to do and see before you become dust in the wind.

Bucket list? No, I have not. I think the bucket is full but I can’t see what is in it. This has made me sit here for a few moments and ponder on what it is that I would like to do before I kick the bucket.kick the bucket

Now that my birthday is tomorrow, I am worrying more about what will happen to me. I was a mommy more than an employee when I was younger. Now that I am all alone the pay back from not working too much is at the bottom of the bucket, says the government.

I worry since my son will be moving farther away who will cut my grass with my bad feet? Will I be able to pay the person? Will I run into any outrageous expenses? You see, if I get to thinking about too many what ifs, I will drive myself nuts. The next best thing is to put the worry list in God’s worry bucket and let him deal with it.

So taking away the worries leaves more time to ponder on the happy thoughts. Hmm, let’s see, hopes and dreams of filling the bucket at least half-full.

I would love to go see some of my blogging friends. I would shop til I drop if I went to see Vivi. I could watch all the beautiful birds if I went to see Julie. I could see with my own eyes what Al sees.

I could have tea with Ute. Go antiquing with Sheila. There are just so many  people and things to do I just want to see at least part of them before I sit my big butt into that rocking chair.rocking-chair

I want to teach the world to sing? No, not really, I want to teach the world about MSA. Too many people who don’t know anything or very little. Of course neither do I, but I do have seven years on many doctors in the MSA  category.

I would give anything to own an older but well running VW bug. I learned to drive my first stick shift in Germany many years ago. I was hooked on those adorable little cars.

I wish I could find a walking partner so I could get out more. I love to take walks but not alone, I am a big scardy cat. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know the answer.cats

I would love to go camping again if I  had someone to go with. I love to fish also.

I hope that I get Al’s book done before anything happens to me. I am working on it almost every day. It is going to be called, I think,,,, Al, his life and MSA.

So these are just a few of the toppers I can think of. You have to realize I am not able to think deeply yet. I just had an invisible brick thrown at me yesterday. Maybe I had been in shock land, I don’t know; but it hit me that I will never see Al again. Wow, what a blow to my mind. I started crying and pretty much have cried most of the weekend. Thanks to many that I spoke to with over the phone until wee hours in the night.

Maybe when my brain is more clear and the tears begin to fade a way I can come back and read this again. I bet I will make some minor, or maybe major changes to that bucket list.

Jesus Has Risen


Originally posted on Brian's Blog:

Luke 24

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’

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His Sacrifice For Me


Easter is something I could let pass me by this year; if it were not for Jesus Christ. The decorations, candy, the ideas that go along with kids is pretty much at ground zero in my home.

I think of Al even more as I walk through the store. It reminds me of last year when Al was still at the nursing home. I had visited him and brought with me Easter cookies, a case of diet coke, and lots of candy.

At the time I knew  I was foolish buying him all that unhealthy stuff, but this year I smile big as I am so thankful I did what I did. The good thing is Al is there now. It is so amazing to know that he doesn’t have to go to the movies to watch Easter themes. He is right there, walking beside Jesus. Oh how lucky he is.

For the umpteenth time I am repeating myself. I love you Buddy and I miss you so much. You enjoy your meal together with the highest of family and I will pretend that Easter for kids is magnificent.

My son and his family will be here tomorrow. We are having what I call a laid-back lunch. Sloppy Jos, chips and salads. I just don’t have the oomph to make that big five-course meal this year. My two grandchildren will hunt for all the hidden, colorful eggs and I shall smile, knowing I am making wonderful memories with them.

You all have a blessed Easter. Make great memories and do something you may not normally think of this year. Remember when I talked earlier about the diet coke and Easter candy for a grown man? Well, I am glad I did that out of the normal thing.

Happy Easter my friends and God bless each of you on this magnificent day.

 

Invisible Love


Invisible Love

 

For God so loved the world

Did he choose  the lucky ones

What about the poor

Did he only see the beauty

Or all that came through the door.

 

Did he leave us and then part

To make it on our own

Did he wave to us goodbye

Or has  his light but always shown.

 

Did he give us a heart

Did  he give us eyes to see

Did he give us all our senses

Or do you think he forgot about me?

 

I know in fact we are special

He gave his all to fill

The love he knows we need

If only we do his will.

 

Although we feel alone at times

And like no one really cares

I know that he walks beside me

No doubt he really cares.

 

So the next time I am down

And feeling all to low

I will kneel down on my knees

Asking him to lead where I must go.

Written by,

Terry  Shepherd

04.18.2014

lost

 

 

Take A Chance On Me


http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP,

What’s the biggest chance you ever took? Did it work out? Do tell!

What’s the biggest chance I remember taking? I guess the answer would be myself.

Growing up with parents who loved me but I couldn’t hear or see it until I was grown myself didn’t help me to soar through life.

Being in a marriage that didn’t end happily ever after fed fuel to the fire of no confidence. Add to this bowl of life being over-weight and considered chubby plus just an ordinary kid equaled low on the totem pole for me.totem pole

The jobs I mainly have held have been inside people’s homes or right here at my own home. This didn’t give me much to go on with building new relationships. It also allowed me to stay sort of hidden from view.

Through learning so much about health and medicine, I dug into books and googling. People started asking questions. I wrote my first book and published it, called Dahlia.

I started coming out of my inner shell and began to look closely at myself in the mirror. I really didn’t see anything spectacular but I did see eyes that showed I was a caring person.

I decided to take a chance on me and let others know I was eager to teach and show what I had learned throughout my years. Now I have friends once again. I meet many strangers that turn into friends quickly.

I get up and get dressed. I thank God for making me who I am daily. I splash some make-up on and I try to live each day the best way I can. I cry and I smile for what Al has given to me and I always tell him I love him at least once a day by looking up into the heavens.

I think I had to live and experience the sad times of health with Al in order to start to become and do what God put me here for. I don’t know what will happen but I do think I am worth taking a chance on.