Pain rips through my heart. Sharper than any sword. A hole, larger than earth. Sometimes, I hurt even more than I could imagine, when I see you walking by, holding her hand. Her laughter in your ears, her fingers running through your hair. The closeness you share in the shadows of the night. Getting out my photo albums, thumbing through our pictures, my fingers caress your lips, remembering the words whispered softly to me, sending shivers down my spine. Somewhere you are out there with her, a place you used to take me. Touching on a picture of the two of us lying on the beach under the moonlight. Breezes blowing over our bodies, hands touching hands, words promising we will be together for ever. Carefully removing the picture from the album, I study faces, fingers forming around them. Suddenly, I remember, those terrible words spoken to me. I don’t love you anymore. I have tried, but I love another. He took a knife and slashed my heart in half. Tears streaming of blood as my heart is being pumped of life. I fell to the floor, holding the picture to my heart. A part of me refusing to acknowledge what had happened. My body shivered. Sobs could be clearly heard. Why……..why did this have to happen…….I love him……..The sobbing got louder, tears falling, until there were no tears to fall. I fell asleep, right there on the floor, holding the picture close to my heart. When I awoke, my eyes were red and swollen. My heart was bruised, and I felt weak all over. I stood up, and walked over to the photo album, and lifting the sealed pictures out of the album, took each one, and laid them in a pile beside me. I closed the album and put it back on the bookshelf. I went to the kitchen, and opening the lid on the trash can, I briefly glanced at each picture one more time, then tearing them in pieces, I watched them fall, scattering in all directions. I turned and walked away, never looking back again.
He hid behind the tree. Every once in awhile I could see a speck of grey or a little black spot. He watched me. Everywhere I went, his eyes followed. I had to run an errand, and he watched me leave. My heart got a ping in it, as I realized he was waiting for me. He didn’t want me to leave. I told him I would be back real soon. He just stared in my direction. When I returned, I saw no one. None of his friends were there. It was dead silence. I went into the house, and got what I was looking for and took it outside with me. I went over to his favorite spot and stood there for a moment listening for some sound that would let me know he was near by. If you listened very close and almost quit breathing, you could hear very soft whispers, like leaves blowing in the winds. I finished what I was doing, and told him that is was ok to come out now from hiding. He didn’t have to be afraid. I was his friend. I walked back in the house, and put my things back in the cupboard, and walked over to the kitchen window to see if I could see him. Nothing. I went about doing what I was doing and soon heard a rather loud commotion. It was nothing like I had ever heard before. I called my brother to come here! Come here and look at what is happening! My brother came out and just looked at me, like I was nuts. He had looked around and didn’t see any visitors, so what was I talking about. I called him over to the window, and as he came, I whispered, don’t talk, walk softly. Look out the window with me. It gave me the biggest smile I had had on my face all day as I looked at his face and saw a sparkle in his eyes, and that grin was from cheek to cheek. As we both looked out the window, we were both in awe, as we watched the three baby squirrels chasing each other around the tree. Each one wanting the peanuts all for themselves. One would get up in the box, and stuff his cheeks and look down at the others. You could tell by his face, he was laughing at his siblings, going ha ha, this is mine. I had thrown peanuts and corn on the ground, and the other squirrels were busy hopping from seed to seed. The yard was soon filled with big fat blue jays. It was a moment I will never forget. A memory I will instill in my box of memories I keep in the back of my mind. My brother and I were standing side by side, gazing out the windows, watching the animals, our friends, feasting, and both of us looked at each other, without saying a word, and we each smiled.
My emotions are split in half today. Part of me is feeling anxiety, nerves on high, and the other half is inner tears and a broken heart. I try very hard to get all of our errands run on one day, but it doesn’t always end up that way. Today, for example. He needed medications. I called them in, and told them we would be in to pick them up around 1. I told him that we had to leave but we would eat lunch at his favorite spot. He didn’t smile. We arrived at our location and he slowly got out of the car, stumbling and falling back into the car door. He looked at me, with a fearful look, like I was going to say something. I said nothing. I waited. We made it to the entrance door, and I held it open for him. He fell backwards into me. I caught him, saying nothing. He stumbled his way, swaying back and forth like he was slightly drunk towards the waiting chair. I got the medications. He had to use the restroom, and as he got up he swayed again. I took a hold of the back of his shirt and lightly hung on to it, hoping in some way, that light hold would hold him up. He got mad, and started crying. He turned to look at me with huge tears in his eyes telling me I was treating him like a big baby. As I kept my hold, I explained how I was trying to help him stand. He was angry at me, and minced no words, and his voice was starting to raise, which I should not feel this way, but I feel embarrassment, as I know people can hear him. My heart is breaking, as I find it often does, because he doesn’t realize how very close he is to becoming wheel chair bound. He resents my help, and yet I can not listen to what he says for fear of him falling on the cement floor. I pray so hard and so often. God, hear me, hear my cry of despair! Please, help him. Help him to not have to suffer like this! You are a merciful God. You know how he suffers emotionally and physically. Why are you waiting to fix this?? Take his tremors and throw them into the heavens. Let him rest Lord. Bring a peace over him, like no peace he has ever found. I am sorry, my tears are fuzzing my sight. I must end this story now. We are home. Right now he has forgotten all. I checked on him, and he is sleeping, but the Parkinson tremors are very much alive. Good nite.
Woke up this morning, to blue skies, warm air. Poured myself my first cup of coffee. Let my dog outside. Doing all the things without thinking, in a routine. I heard stirring coming from his room. He was up already. I needed time, space for me. I didn’t like it when I go from a zombie mode straight to a thinking mode. Blue skies, disappeared as I started preparing his breakfast, tending to all his needs first before I had even gotten to the point that my brain was functioning properly. My nerves started to unravel, and I was unable to get them back in control. I feel so guilty feeling this way. I love him, we are family. No more silence to ponder on today, barely time enough to thank God for letting me have one more day. I need a vacation, a break. I hear remarks about how…
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He walked in the door with his head hanging low. he had a feeling he had never experienced before. his wife came to greet him but he walked on by leaving her standing as a ghost. the kids were fighting over a game but he didn’t hear. he walked through the bedroom that his wife shared with him past the bed and went through the bathroom door, locking the door behind him. his wife was softly knocking at the bathroom door asking him if he was alright. he wasn’t answering. she continued to knock with no reply. she walked out to the kitchen and called 911. she had never seen her husband this way. when EMS got there, it was too late. He had taken his pants off along with his belt. he had taken his belt and made a noose and hung himself. they found a scribbled note tossed…
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Ball lying motionless on the ground, waiting for little hands to bring it to life. Stale leaves fluttering in the streets with no where to go. Cornfields all yellow and stiff, waiting for fresh turned earth. Blue skies with a tint of white shadowing among the naked branches of trees. As I take my morning walk, I sniff the air and I can smell spring coming. A fat robin is perched above me, singing, looking for a new nest for her young. I wave at a neighbor who is washing her windows. She waves back. I hear humming of chain saws off in the distance, clearing brush from the previous fall. It is wonderful to be alive. I thank God for allowing me to experience yet another day. God is good.
Patches of snow remain on the ground. The chill is in the air.Skies are gray with no hint of blue. Trees remind me of a spooky hallow ween night, bare, naked and cold. Dead leaves lying on the ground. House roofs covered with frost. Only green I see is shrubs that bring a bit of life to us. I am sitting here inside looking out my window. I touch the window and I back off as the touch of cold hits my fingers. The air inside is dry and stale. O, to open the windows and receive that breath taking fresh air. To put shorts on, and rid of long pants. To have the smells of coconuts all over my skin as I soak up the rays of skin. There is hope coming my way today. I am so excited! I peeked out my window again, and I saw the…
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Faces, mouths, some smiling some with frowns. Lips silent, lips apart, talking, chewing, smoking.People walking in both directions. Blurs in my vision. Fast pace. No one is slow. Hurrying off to work or school. Some with no place to go. The world is moving very fast. Politicians trying to catch your ear. God becoming a foreign word.Discoveries in foreign space. The whole world has become like a wild rat race. Technology advances faster than me. No more land lines, no more hand written letters. You are not hired with a greet and a meet. We will email you if you meet our need. Today there are thousands out of work. Not getting hired and willing to work. These people are the same age as I am today. Getting on bended knee, asking God to lead the way. Stop where you are.Tune the sounds out. Take a moment to find what…
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