Finding The Right Fit For Me

I went through an excruciating hour just now. I am feeling many things. Guilt, sadness, despair. I saw young people in mini skirts, pink high heels with big pink bows. I saw a mixture of young and very old. I noticed women holding their purses as if someone were about to take it from them. I heard no words spoken. During meet and greet, three hands shook mine and said good morning, and then went to the next. Never a word was spoken from then on. I heard subjects on money, healing, but don’t tell,new business and old. I found myself drifting in and out between the words. Remembering my parents. For some reason sadness over whelms me with certain types of music. I thought about the guilt I felt inside for not wanting to be there, knowing I should be there. More guilt crept over me as I became more aware that he knows my every thought. There was no way of hiding it, no place to run. I am home now and my comfort is back. Maybe I am afraid of people, maybe trust, hurt? I don’t know. I know I need to change, but what is it I need to change? I know he loves me, and I love him with all my heart. We have great conversations together, and I can’t imagine spending a day without chatting with him. So, why am I feeling the way I am. I remember as I walked out the door, I ran into someone from my past. Chit chat was shared. As I voiced my thoughts briefly on sadness due to changes in my life, I was told to get over it. Move on. Be happy. I felt cold run through me as I walked to my car.

For Me It Wasn’t There

I hated it. I hated the feelings that I was carrying inside. Sitting there at the big table with casual friends sitting with me. Listening to the chatter of every day talk. Watching kids out on the floor, dancing, making dance moves that only kids can do. Couples holding tightly, placing hands where only lovers do. Music loudly coming from the juke box. Disco lights casting fluttering butterflies on the walls. In the back of the room, people playing pool, and at the bar sat lonely people staring at their beer, women, waiting for a hello. Why did I let them talk me into coming here? I knew I didn’t belong. I kept hearing a voice in my head, as I go back and hear my friends telling me, you won’t get a man, if you don’t get out. Come on, get back in the swing of things. I suppose you call it jealousy. Maybe I am, but I am a christian, and i don’t feel comfortable being here. I don’t drink nor get silly. I heard someone tell me then you are never going to get a man by sitting here. Get up and go mingle. Mingle? With who? Here? I looked down at my diet coke, and knew in that moment that this wasn’t for me. I smiled using my most gracious smile, stood up, excused myself, and left. God would not easily open new doors for me tonight. I wanted more. I went home. A feeling of peace embalming me.

Welcome to LiveJournal

I went through an excruciating hour just now. I am feeling many things. Guilt, sadness, despair. I saw young people in mini skirts, pink high heels with big pink bows. I saw a mixture of young and very old. I noticed women holding their purses as if someone were about to take it from them. I heard no words spoken. During meet and greet, three hands shook mine and said good morning, and then went to the next. Never a word was spoken from then on. I heard subjects on money, healing, but don’t tell,new business and old. I found myself drifting in and out between the words. Remembering my parents. For some reason sadness over whelms me with certain types of music. I thought about the guilt I felt inside for not wanting to be there, knowing I should be there. More guilt crept over me as I became more aware that he knows my every thought. There was no way of hiding it, no place to run. I am home now and my comfort is back. Maybe I am afraid of people, maybe trust, hurt? I don’t know. I know I need to change, but what is it I need to change? I know he loves me, and I love him with all my heart. We have great conversations together, and I can’t imagine spending a day without chatting with him. So, why am I feeling the way I am. I remember as I walked out the door, I ran into someone from my past. Chit chat was shared. As I voiced my thoughts briefly on sadness due to changes in my life, I was told to get over it. Move on. Be happy. I felt cold run through me as I walked to my car.