Every day when I wake up, I thank my God for allowing me to have one more day. It seems that we get in ruts and routines in our lives. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. In between, we have a few happy surprises, some shocks, some sadness, but the day goes on with or without us. I try to look for small ways to show someone I care, to put a smile on someone’s face, to be understanding, have compassion, and to be a good listener. When you are on my side of the fence, the days can tend to run one into another, and I don’t always see the small blessings I am given. For this Lord, I am sorry. When we have smooth days, these are the best of the best. Friendly smiles, lots of chatter, no new aches or pains do I hear from his mouth. I cherish these moments. For him, I wish they would happen every single day until no breathing can be heard from him. My heart aches on his bad days. I watch his tremors uncontrollably shake until I see his body grow weary and tired. There are days in a row, where I see no joy, only sadness in his eyes with flowing tears for no reason. It is very difficult to write this story, as my heart is aching. This person I am talking about is my very own brother. You see this terrible thing came into his body and grabbed hard and didn’t let go. It’s name is Parkinson’s. Along with his Parkinson’s, is his incapability of comprehension. A mental disorder. He cries because he doesn’t understand why he has tremors. He gets angry that he forgets because of the dementia, that came uninvited when the Parkinson’s stepped in. How does a sister deal with this emotional roller coaster? It is very hard. I try to give him breaks from me by finding outings that he can go to and I try to give myself a break also. Today, God gave me a huge blessing. My family and I spent the day together. It brought joy and plenty of smiles to all. We are both tired now at the end of this glorious day, but as we looked at each other for the last time tonight, before climbing into bed, we both said good nite sis, good nite brother. We parted each with smiles on our faces and a fresh look on tomorrow. Thank you Lord for blessing me, and healing our souls for today.
Woke up this morning, to blue skies, warm air. Poured myself my first cup of coffee. Let my dog outside. Doing all the things without thinking, in a routine. I heard stirring coming from his room. He was up already. I needed time, space for me. I didn’t like it when I go from a zombie mode straight to a thinking mode. Blue skies, disappeared as I started preparing his breakfast, tending to all his needs first before I had even gotten to the point that my brain was functioning properly. My nerves started to unravel, and I was unable to get them back in control. I feel so guilty feeling this way. I love him, we are family. No more silence to ponder on today, barely time enough to thank God for letting me have one more day. I need a vacation, a break. I hear remarks about how I don’t work outside of the home, and it hurts, at times, because I do work. I work with my hands, my heart, my mind, patience, love, understanding. This is a 24 hour job. There are no days off. I don’t get paid, but there is no amount of money that could be taken in when you are caring for a loved one. Now, silence surrounds me, as I see him walk out of the house. He is going to on an outing for a while. I breathe in a deep breath, and get my wits in tact. I, wait, in peace and quiet, for my daughter to arrive. I am getting my much-needed break today, right now.