a child’s dream
She was hiding behind the chair in the living room, peeking out once in awhile to watch the two ladies. She was listening to them argue. One was yelling, and the other was saying,”I will be back when she is 16, and we will see who she wants to live with!” The other lady slammed the door, and the nice lady disappeared. She tried to be so quiet, but the tears were coming down like a quick rain, and the sobbing began. She stole back upstairs and went to her room, slowly closing her door. She threw herself across her bed, and let all of her feelings escape. Her life became different from that day until years later. She secretly hoped and dreamed. She visioned being held so tightly, love flowing from heart to heart, hands gliding slowly down her hair. Tears of joy, and feelings of never letting this moment pass. Every year on her birthday and at Christmas, she anxiously awaited for them to get the mail. She just knew there was a package or a birthday card, but, nothing. There was never a day, as she grew into a woman, that she didn’t have at least one thought enter mind of their reunion. One day as her own children were eating lunch, she opened the local newspaper to find an obituary of this woman’s fathers death announcement. Her heart began to flutter, as excitement began to take over. Although, it was difficult, searching found a phone number. She called, barely being able to breathe, her day had finally come. The other person said hello…For a quick moment, she couldn’t speak. Memories flooded back to the last time she had heard that voice. She then heard herself say mom?. Silence. Mom? It’s me, your daughter. I saw your father’s obituary in the newspaper. I have found you. Oh, I love you mom. I have waited for your my whole life! Silence. Silence so deafening, I wanted to scream, to run, drop the phone, do something, go somewhere, but I stood still. Words came through the voice box on the other end. Crushed, dropping the phone, falling to the floor, unable to speak nor move. “I’m sorry. I don’t know who you are. I have no daughter.”
mental illness, health, god
Screaming. Swearing. Things I do not hear through out the day. An evil lies somewhere in the inner layers of his mind. This is what I woke up today. The profanities that were being heard were words I have never heard spoken from that mouth. Hatred was definitely the topic for this night. Bitterness, anger was added to the list as moments went by. Is there two worlds we each live in? The reality and the unknown? When he is awake, I can observe wide ranges of mood swings. Smiles, sadness, depression, overly chatty, talking about one topic all day long, to talking about things that happened over forty years ago. Confusion sometimes enters, becoming the ruler of the day. Announcing its debut. Not less than five minutes ago, I heard the wild mumblings, and now he has risen and is standing here beside me with a smile on his face and waving at me like this is the first time he has ever seen me. I was prepared for the worst, and he comes out with his best. How can the mind switch modes so easily, drifting in and out of different worlds, causing so much frustration, bringing along with it every feeling that we as humans can have, and then leave quickly as in a blink of the eye. For me this is exhausting, trying to be prepared for anything that is thrown at me, to only find it wasn’t this or that in the end. For him, the mental exhaustion he must go through is beyond my comprehension. It is a Dr. Jekyll and Hyde simulation. The world is full of fix it medications. We lean heavily on the reality that if we have an ache or a pain, go see your doctor, and poof! we are healed. In the mind of a mentally challenged person, there is no quick fix. You are left with years of trying to figure out the cause, the reason, the fix. You become a robot, going from doctor to doctor, hearing the same words coming from each one. This is an inner fight, that is unbeatable, fixable, most unlikely. The positive thing in living with this person, is that although there is great suffering, God, says, when I call you home, there will be no more pain and suffering. You will live here with me and sing songs of praise. Joyous will be your attitude for ever and ever. I get on bended knee, and ask God to help him and I through out this new day, and I praise his name for the good things to come.