The Bully Within

My emotions are split in  half today. Part of me is feeling anxiety, nerves on high, and the other half is inner tears and a broken heart. I try very hard to get all of our errands run on one day, but it doesn’t always end up that way. Today, for example. He needed medications. I called them in, and told them we would be in to pick them up around 1. I told him that we had to leave but we would eat lunch at his favorite spot. He didn’t smile. We arrived at our location and he slowly got out of the car, stumbling and falling back into the car door. He looked at me, with a fearful look, like I was going to say something. I said nothing. I waited. We made it to the entrance door, and I held it open for him. He fell backwards into me. I caught him, saying nothing. He stumbled his way, swaying back and forth like he was slightly drunk towards the waiting chair. I got the medications. He had to use the restroom, and as he got up he swayed again. I took a hold of the back of his shirt and lightly hung on to it, hoping in some way, that light hold would hold him up. He got mad, and started crying. He turned to look at me with huge tears in his eyes telling me I was treating him like a big baby. As I kept my hold, I explained how I was trying to help him stand. He was angry at me, and minced no words, and his voice was starting to raise, which I should not feel this way, but I feel embarrassment, as I know people can  hear him. My heart is breaking, as I find it often does, because he doesn’t realize how very close he is to becoming wheel chair bound. He resents my help, and yet I can not listen to what he says for fear of him falling on the cement floor. I pray so hard and so often. God, hear me, hear my cry of despair! Please, help him. Help him to not have to suffer like this! You are a merciful God. You know how he suffers emotionally and physically. Why are you waiting to fix this?? Take his tremors and throw them into the heavens. Let him rest Lord. Bring a peace over him, like no peace he has ever found. I am sorry, my tears are fuzzing my sight. I must end this story now. We are home. Right now he has forgotten all. I checked on him, and he is sleeping, but the Parkinson tremors are very much alive. Good nite.