Adding And Subtracting

Spring. A new beginning. New love. For me, it was a time of busy planning. My birthday is in April. Next came my brother’s. Two weeks later. Ten days after that, my mother’s. Two days later, my daughter’s. 14 days later, my son’s. A week and a half later, my husband’s. Finally, July 4th, my last child. Lots of birthday gifts to buy and cakes to bake. Parties to plan. People to invite. Our lives are sometimes in a whirl wind. Days turn into months, and before we realize it, another birthday has come upon us. Divorce was an unexpected event, which took away one birthday celebration. Kids grow up, marry, have children of their own, adding more birthdays to the calendar. Mom passed away, taking away one birthday, a few years later dad left me also, another birthday gone. So many special days in between these birthdays, made each year fly by so quickly. Now I sit here and I look back at my life, and thank God for all the wonderful memories. Videos run through my mind of my children blowing out their candles, laughing as they tear open their gifts. I switch channels to my parents and grandparents, and can see them in my mind as they carefully unwrap their gifts, trying not to tear the paper or the bow. The smiles on their faces, as they hold each gift up for all to see. I have now built a thick book titled Memories in my mind, and I will treasure it always. Sometimes now, as I sit in my rocker, I rest my head back, close my eyes, and open up memories

The Path You Walk Through

The bride and groom sign the book after their wedding ceremony is complete. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you ever take the time to think about your future and where you would be in 30 or 40 years? Did your sweetheart and you talk about all the things you wanted to experience in life? You had your life all planned out. Working at this or that company. Making yourself a name in the community. Your spouse was going to be a stay at home wife and mommy? Was she going to have a career? Where were you going to plant your home? In your home state, or maybe a move hundreds of miles away? How many children did you two plan on having? Did you pick out names? What kind of cars were you going to own? A brand new one and a clunker for a spare? One car? What kind of house did you dream about owning? One story, two? One car or two car garage? Did you talk about money? Decide which one of you was the better saver? I imagine you planned out where you were going to place your savings too. Did you ever plan on anything unexpected happening in your life? What would you do? How would you make it work. Did you think about how you would feel if one day you woke up and didn’t feel well, and the doctor is telling you that you have MS, or  maybe a type of cancer?  Did you take into consideration the vow, for better for worse, for richer or poorer? Did you ever ponder on how you would feel if you became the only bread-winner? I didn’t. I was full of dreams. Romance was all I could see when I was young. Spending every moment together. Waking up and going to bed with him or her beside me. Fairy tales. That is how I lived. Forever and ever, til death us do part. God allows us  to build character, and back bone through many mistakes and choices we make in our lives. He prepares us for our future, whether we realize it or not. What I do today, was never in my plan. I never thought about life moving forward, unwanted changes taking place. The loss of jobs, parents, children growing up, illnesses, is what has made me strong today. I am strong enough to care for my brother. I am able to make sure he is safe and secure. Without my realizing, God carved out my path in my life, giving me all the experience he knew I would need one day. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to be a blessing to another child of yours.

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Adding And Subtracting

Candles spell out the traditional English birthday greeting (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Spring. A new beginning. New love. For me, it was a time of busy planning. My birthday is in April. Next came my brother’s. Two weeks later. Ten days after that, my mother’s. Two days later, my daughter’s. 14 days later, my son’s. A week and a half later, my husband’s. Finally, July 4th, my last child. Lots of birthday gifts to buy and cakes to bake. Parties to plan. People to invite. Our lives are sometimes in a whirl wind. Days turn into months, and before we realize it, another birthday has come upon us. Divorce was an unexpected event, which took away one birthday celebration. Kids grow up, marry, have children of their own, adding more birthdays to the calendar. Mom passed away, taking away one birthday, a few years later dad left me also, another birthday gone. So many special days in between these birthdays, made each year fly by so quickly. Now I sit here and I look back at my life, and thank God for all the wonderful memories. Videos run through my mind of my children blowing out their candles, laughing as they tear open their gifts. I switch channels to my parents and grandparents, and can see them in my mind as they carefully unwrap their gifts, trying not to tear the paper or the bow. The smiles on their faces, as they hold each gift up for all to see. I have now built a thick book titled Memories in my mind, and I will treasure it always. Sometimes now, as I sit in my rocker, I rest my head back, close my eyes, and open up memories.

Who I am

HOME

She had wondered all day not knowing where she was but knew she was going home. Things had changed. More buildings, some torn down, more lights. The sky was growing dusk as the sun was beginning its journey beneath the trees. She had been walking what seemed like for hours and she was starting to feel a chill underneath her grey sweater. She should have dressed warmer she thought. She didn’t remember it being this cold in October. As she sat on the bench, resting her weary legs, she looked around her noticing leaves drifting to no where, gently landing on the ground. She remembered the beautiful colors and how as a child she would spin around with arms wide open trying to catch as many leaves as she could before she fell to the ground from spinning. Oh, she had wonderful memories of her childhood. She could remember mama…

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The Big N

Last night’s sleep was restless. Plenty of nightmares about what was coming. The sharp point, looking at me, staring at my body. Ready for the attack. I dreamed that it ate me up and left me lifeless and laying in a pool of my own blood. Waking up in bad sweats, I should have changed the sheets, but how many times did I want to change them in one night? None, so I lay back down and drift off again, with the TV noise in the back ground, boring me into a sleep. Somewhere in my mind, the dream became alive once again. The look on her face was worse than any horror movie I had ever seen! Big buck teeth smiling at me, and if you looked real close you could see light bouncing off that one gold crown on the side of her mouth. Fat lips smiled at me, as she started walking slowly towards me, raising her hand, planning to do major damage to my body and my nerves. I felt wetness running down my leg, as she began to kneel beside me and whisper those awful words we all have heard one time or another. I woke again, sat up in bed. My hair was drenched in sweat. My breathing was rapid. My gown was stuck to me. I got up and went into my bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Drying it off, I looked at myself in the mirror, and was scolding myself  for behaving like this. This was not a good thing. Nothing or no one should ever get a hold of me to the point that it controls me even while I sleep. I changed night gowns, and used the potty. Turning the bathroom light off, I went back to bed. I turned my fan on medium, switched the TV remote off, and turned over on my stomach. I said a quick prayer to God, asking him to help me overcome this fear, to give me rest. He must have realized that this was a matter of utter importance, because when I awoke next, the sun was shining. Daylight was here. I felt like a mac truck had run over me. I made it to the bathroom and turned the hot water on in the shower, just adding a touch of cold. I stood there, for so long, my fingers looked like shriveled raisins. I washed my hair, and turned my body in to

one of the most laughter inducing photos i've seen in a while. come back and look later... you'll laugh again (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

sweet-smelling lather. Getting rinsed and out of the shower, I dried off slowly, realizing that when I was dressed it would be time. Wrapped up in my towel, I walked back to my bedroom, and went through each piece of clothing in my closet. I finally picked something to wear, and forced myself to get dressed. I went back to the bathroom and took extra care fixing my hair and applying my make up. My time was up. Almost late. I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. Got in my car, and unfortunately, it started right up. The car knew where I was going, so it drove at a faster speed than I was used to driving and before I knew it, I had arrived. I walked in, she smiled at me. I heard my name being called. I got up and walked through the big, swinging door. As I walked in to the tiny room, there she was. The woman in my nightmare. She had pearly white teeth, and a beautiful smile. I was instantly put at ease, until she came towards me, raising her hand, showing me the needle. I let out a quick breath, and turned my head. Ouch! It was over. I smiled, she smiled. I left and went on my way.

You Asked Me

Mother and child (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Nobody wants bad news. You ask me how I am doing today, and I smile briefly, and say fine. I turn quickly so you don’t see the tears starting to fall. A lump forms in my throat, as I still see you sitting beside me, like it was yesterday, us both talking and laughing over iced tea. You combed my hair after my bath. You bought me pretty ribbons for my hair. You tucked me in at nights and told me beautiful bed time stories. We went school shopping and I tried on lots of dresses. We went and got ice cream afterwards. You cried when you saw me receive my kindergarten graduation diploma. Learning to ride my bike wasn’t that bad, because you ran the whole way with me until the tires didn’t wiggle anymore. Kissing boo boos and big hugs was your specialty. The smell of chocolate chip cookies drifting through my nose as I came home from school. Vacations to Disney World will never be forgotten. I whispered in your ear, that I was in love. You helped me buy my first prom dress. You held me when my heart was broken. You were there when I said I Do. I saw another tear, a tear of joy. You were the first to hold your grandchild. Another tear streamed down your face from joy. You ask me how I am doing today, and I smile briefly, and say fine. I turn quickly as another tear begins to fall, and this time it is mine. My mama has been gone one year ago today.

Dedicated to Trina

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Daddy And My Little Girl

Azul 5 meses de edad (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The pitter patter of little feet could be heard walking down the hall, heading to the back bedroom to see her daddy. She walked in and tugged on the blankets as she tried to crawl up on the bed. She couldn’t make it, so she walked around to the other side, and touched his arm. Stirring him he awoke to look into the eyes of his little girl. Two teeth were showing as she smiled at him and said daddy. He sat up and brushed the covers back, lifting her up and laying her down beside him. Pulling the covers up over them, she flipped them back and reached up and gave him a big squeeze.Sleep was over. Time to start the day. He sat up and grabbed her and put her on his shoulders, and they walked down the hallway to find mom. Mom was sitting on the couch with newspaper in hand resting. He put her down and let her play as he went to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. Looking out the window he knew it was going to be another beautiful day. Sun was bright, blue skies. He loved these summer days. He sat at the table drinking his coffee, listening to his little girl jabber while playing with her dolls. He decided to read the paper before thinking about what he had to do for the day. He called to his wife to bring it to him, but she didn’t respond. He walked over to get it and noticed that her lips were a light blue and her face pale. He called her name with no response. He shook her, she was lifeless. He hurried to the phone and dialed 911. Within minutes the EMS arrived. She was alive, but she needed to go to the hospital. Neighbors came out to watch and wonder what was happening. One of their closest neighbors came over allowing him to explain. She took the little girl, and waved him to go on. He got to the hospital, to find his wife having tests done. They told him it would be about a half an hour.That he should go down to the cafeteria and get himself some breakfast or coffee. He didn’t want to go. His feet were felt like cement blocks on the floor,  but he knew he didn’t want to wait alone. He went to the cafeteria and bought himself a cup of coffee. When he had found a place to sit, he proceeded to call family. Before he could finish that one cup, the first family member appeared.  They talked and pondered on what was happening up there.  Time went by slowly, then he heard his name being called over the speakers. They got up and went back to the ER room where the doctor was waiting. The doctor said to him that he wanted to go to the office across the hall. Once inside, the doctor explained that his wife  had just had an aneurism. She hadn’t felt any pain, but she was gone. Gasps could be heard, as the words came out of his mouth. Tears flowed, bodies shaking. The doctor patted him on the back, and said if there was anything he could do, just let the nurse know, and he left the room, softly shutting the door behind him.Minutes turned into hours, and before he realized it, funeral plans had been made, and he found himself standing in front of his wife’s casket. He was holding his little girl in his arms, hugging her and they were saying goodbye to mommy. He awoke the next morning with numbness completely surrounding him. He heard the cries of his little girl, letting him know she was ready to get up. He went into her room, and she raised her hands to him, showing two white teeth. He walked over to her and lifted her in his arms, hugging her close to him. Daddy and my little girl.

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