Deeper Than Deep

'A pain stabbed my heart as it did every time ...

'A pain stabbed my heart as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world.' (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am sorry I am posting another story. I can’t help it today. I think of the things that I feel are tragic. Kids getting sick, car accidents, speeding tickets, court dates, divorce, alcoholics, drug users. Losing a job, never having enough money, being hungry. There was a day, not long ago to me, that I felt the way I feel today. The loss of my father, my hero. Never to see him again. Missing him, never hearing his voice again. I did manage to move on with support from family and friends. I am opening up my heart, slicing it right down the middle, so you can see all it holds. Pain, my heart holds the pain for my brother, because his pain is on over load. Tears. My heart has many tears flowing through it, because my brother’s tears have fallen all day and mine have followed his. Grief. My heart holds grief, because my brother keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to live. That his tremors have won. In my own personal life, I have had sorrow. A loss of my parents, a friend or two throughout the years. A job loss. Having no home at all. Scarcity in food. I hurt, but I healed. Holes in my heart closed. Life moved forward. I am now forced to the largest challenge in my life. For today, I have had to introduce the wheel chair into our daily lives. A gait belt for better support. News was announced that social outings were going to be limited. My challenge is to watch unstable walking, aggressive tremors, seeming to worsen each month, soft-spoken words, drooling, slow movements, choking, swallowing, the use of canes, walkers, I have been beaten down by this wicked disease. My heart feels like it can break no more, until this moment. My brother came out of his bedroom, telling me he was watching The Ten Commandments. Tears were pouring out of his eyes. I could barely hear him speak. I bent down close to his face and asked if he could repeat what he had just said. He told me, that the show really bothered him. I ask him why. He said, I am tired. My tremors make me tired Terry. I can’t do anything anymore. I can’t even change my own bed sheets. The tears became stronger and stronger, and I heard him choke out the words,,,,,,,,it makes me think that I am going to see Jesus soon.

10 thoughts on “Deeper Than Deep

      • Actually, *you* are right, cause I just quoted your words 🙂 Words that moved me to read, b/c in the midst of this pain you proclaim that you will heal.

        And I think you just gave one of the best answers in asking your question….how do we do it “day after day?” We do it day after day! Time heals. Experience teaches us, and we heal from those lessons. etc.

        But you are so spot on….it’s difficult, and a much dreaded process. Like you, I hate to see it happen in anyone’s life—especially people we care deeply for.

        Again, this was powerful to read….I felt it deeply! Having walked (and walking) through struggles of my own, I can really identify.


  1. This post touched me deeply, and brought tears to my eyes. You are being so strong, and day by day is the right way to cope. Hope you can get more help, even getting away for an hour or two to get some rest.


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