He Will Give Me No More Than I Can Handle


The time is 11:55pm. Six more minutes until a new day. I had two days in a row. Now the record has been broken. I am being cussed at and I am not even in the room. The baby monitor is picking up all of his choice words. He is telling me that he hates me, and that I hate him. I hear the b word, and dirty f word. I should be hard to this, but I am not. It happens like clock work every time. I am sitting here sharing my evening with you with both my temples hurting, or I should say throbbing. My ear on my left side is hurting, but I think that is from earlier today, when I was outside. Better known as allergies. My neck feels stiff, but I have to write this down, in order to de-stress so I can get some sleep and be prepared for a continuing of tomorrow. Yes, the subject won’t be dropped, just because sleep has separated us. I will get the evil looks in the morning, and the crying will begin, and the accusations of how he does everything wrong. I want to cry, but I can’t. I wish I could. I haven’t cried since my dad died almost five years ago. I think I cried every tear I had stored up for years to come. Hence, I get the headaches now instead. There are two sides to every story right? His side, Parkinson’s and dementia. Tremors, forgetting, slow thinking, confusion. My side, sister, caregiver, protector, and guide. I can’t be on both sides. I have tried. Compassion brings on the “you are treating me like a baby”. Sitting down and having a conversation brings,” I don’t understand what you are saying”. Raising my voice brings on nothing but anguish. Taking away pleasures brings on depression. He doesn’t have many pleasures left anymore. This all happened in less than five minutes. He almost fell into the refrigerator, then kind of stumbled the opposite direction, saving himself by clinging on to the kitchen table. I watched it all, hoping he would realize, he needed his cane or walker, but no, he refuses. Too much pride. What will people say. People will make fun of him. We go round and round every day. I have tried every way I can to explain the dangers of falling. He fell straight into the Christmas tree at Christmas, but that doesn’t give him any wake up call to use the help devices. He and I are both stubborn, but because I love him and want him safe, I have to win this one! Lord, take my hand and guide me on this journey. Bring some sense of peace for my brother and give me patience to endure what he is going through. I can’t do this alone Lord. I need your help. The bible says you will not give me more than I can handle. I am counting on this Lord. Amen. I love you Lord. I have sat here for about five minutes just staring at these words I wrote, and I can feel a calmness washing through out me. My headache has lightened a bit. How wonderful is our God, that he can do the smallest of things like help me to get some rest tonight. Good night everyone.

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