Lord, Please Bring Peace

I know you are probably getting so sick and tired of me writing about my brother, but I can’t help it. I have no one to speak to, but you, my faithful readers. I have called and made contact with anyone and everyone I can think of. I don’t know why. There is nothing that can be done. All medications have been tried and have failed, making his tremors much worse with terrible drooling. If there is one thing I can count on it is taking him out to his favorite place for supper with his caregiver, her son, and me. He is full of smiles, and lots of chatter. All pains and tremors are still there, but somehow hidden somewhere deep inside for the moment. It is wonderful to see him this way. Today, was the big day. Plans had been made for us all to meet for that special supper. The evening started out with not even remembering that he was going out, which is a very rare thing. He remembers anything that has to do with him and fun. On the way to the restaurant, at stop lights, I could feel me shaking and the car was shaking, because the tremors are so strong and constant. We arrive in the parking lot, get out, and they are waiting for us. They wave and yell hi to him. He says nothing. No smile. Absent expression on his face. Twice I heard him cuss, because he legs didn’t move when he wanted them to. I helped him get to his seat, and then helped him fill his plate. Although I was hanging on to the back of his shirt tail, he was staggering like he had just emerged from a bar. All through supper his nose was about two inches from his plate. Totally bent over, seeming like he was afraid he was going to miss out on eating, but I think it was to help the food get into his mouth. There was pretended laughter throughout the caregiver, her son, and myself, all the while keeping an eye on him. Still no expression, not talking, no smiles. All of a sudden he announced he felt funny in his arm. A loss of sensation. She and I looked at each other, and she shook her head, like in understanding. I did not understand. I was thinking stroke. I held his hand and it was warm, a slight greyish look to his nails. We ended the evening shorter than usual. It was not worth sitting there, when she and I wanted to discuss our concerns with each other, but could not do that in front of him.  He stood up, would not accept my help to put his jacket on. His knees bending the longer he stood there and fought with that jacket, but he finally got it on. No words were exchanged on the way home. Total silence. Even the sounds of the radio helped very little. I can’t even remember who was singing. We are home now. He went straight to his room. I hurriedly looked up online, loss of sensation with Parkinson’s. There it was. Description: the tremors cause so much friction within the nerves and muscles that it causes a loss of sensation, that can move through out his limbs. I start to scream inside. Lord!!!!! Deal with this. I am tired. Please help him. Please show me what to do!!!! Somebody help us.

A Stranger’s Words


Breakfast (Photo credit: annalibera)

As you all know from my story this morning, I went to the doctor for lab results. The day did start off pretty good. Nothing had happened through the night with my brother, so I got much-needed rest. I was sitting here at my computer, when my brother came slowly out from his bedroom. He had a smile on his face, which was a good sign that today was going to be a day without dementia in it. I buy frozen breakfast items, so he has one meal each day where he is in complete charge of fixing and eating. No help from me, except when his tremors won’t allow him to push the buttons on the microwave. I will hear sounds of growling, and know that this is my cue to offer my help. So, he is eating his breakfast, and doing his usual complaining about the news. From the Parkinson’s and dementia, he is very negative. He will speak both sides of a conversation, asking and answering his own questions. He thinks everyone is nuts on the news. He told me this morning that he didn’t know why the weather man insisted on repeating the weather so much, did they think we were stupid?? lol. After breakfast was over and he had brushed his teeth, I went to my room to get ready to go, knowing he was safely sitting on the couch. I had gathered up the trash, and where we live the trash dumpsters are quite a ways from our house, so we place it on the back of the car and take it down there. My brothers likes to place the trash in the dumpster, so I always let him have this responsibility. This morning when we pulled up to the dumpsters, he didn’t move, he sat there still. I made a comment about he was going to have to open the door and take care of the trash, because we were running behind schedule. Tears came immediately. These tears lasted from that moment, all the way to the doctor’s office. I usually don’t take him in with me, but today I did. I didn’t want him to sit alone with no one with him.  While waiting for my turn, I noticed people were watching us, and watching him cry. I shouldn’t let this bother me. I want to go over to them, and ask, haven’t you ever seen a person cry before?, but i didn’t. I sat still waiting my turn. Then my name was called. We went into the room where we waited for the doctor. He walked in and observed my brother’s tears, but said nothing. He went about his business telling me my results. My brother cried all through this. After we left the office, I told him we would go to his favorite place for lunch. He cried on the way there, and was still crying after we were seated and waited on. I kept trying to get him to stop. Using every technique I could think of. Our lunch came, and a stranger sitting beside us, looked at my brother and commented on how good that sandwich looked. That was all it took. A stranger saying a simple comment, nothing spectacular in it, just a common thing to say when you are sitting beside someone. My brother’s tears dried up instantly. A smile came upon his face.We changed gears instantly. We went from oceans of tears, sad looks, eyes down, to no more tears, smiles, and chatter a mile a minute. I wanted to thank this stranger for making such a huge difference in my brother’s day, but didn’t want to rock the boat, so said a prayer of thanks to God, and went on to eating my lunch.

Please Don’t Say The F– Word

She rose and sat up on the edge of her bed, dreading starting the day. She just hated having to go to this place. She had a few hours before she would be sitting face to face with him. Being in the same room with him had never been held dear to her heart. In fact, if her memory served her well, he always left her sitting there feeling awkward and shy. Sometimes he could bring the beast out in her. She tried to prepare herself for their visits. She would walk in THE room, and take a seat. When he came in, she gave him her biggest smile. Somehow hoping that this would stop him from saying  all those words that would sometimes almost bring her to tears. One time she took  a dear friend with her. She knew he would not bring up since sensitive topics in front of guests. You know, this didn’t work either. He just asked her if she wanted to leave or did she feel comfortable eavesdropping in on this personal conversation. She and I looked at each other, neither of us being able to say a word, plastered to our seats, barely breathing. Since no one said anything, or got up to leave the room, he proceeded to go on with his announcements. Afterwards, out in the car, she would comfort me with her words, while I sat there and cried, swearing I would do better before the next time rolled around to see this man. We would drive to our favorite malt shop and splurge with burgers and malts, and talk about everything we had just heard. Eventually, we could both be found laughing so hard, the waitress would come over and see if all was alright . We both would look at her, and just start laughing, saying of course! We were just telling some jokes!. She smiled and went about tending to her customers. No one was going with me today. I stood up from the bed, and  started getting dressed, making sure to wear my most slimmest, looking clothes. I would wear my sandals today, instead of tennis shoes. I wasn’t that hungry, so I made myself two pieces of toast with peanut butter and had my morning java. I went in to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Wishing I had a magical way of cutting off some of this and that, where ever it was most noticeable. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. It was time to go. Time to go to

Untidy home office (mine)

Untidy home office (mine) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

the doctor’s office to get the results of my lab work.. The next words I heard being spoken was “Let’s get your weight”. The day had started.