Lord, Please Bring Peace

I know you are probably getting so sick and tired of me writing about my brother, but I can’t help it. I have no one to speak to, but you, my faithful readers. I have called and made contact with anyone and everyone I can think of. I don’t know why. There is nothing that can be done. All medications have been tried and have failed, making his tremors much worse with terrible drooling. If there is one thing I can count on it is taking him out to his favorite place for supper with his caregiver, her son, and me. He is full of smiles, and lots of chatter. All pains and tremors are still there, but somehow hidden somewhere deep inside for the moment. It is wonderful to see him this way. Today, was the big day. Plans had been made for us all to meet for that special supper. The evening started out with not even remembering that he was going out, which is a very rare thing. He remembers anything that has to do with him and fun. On the way to the restaurant, at stop lights, I could feel me shaking and the car was shaking, because the tremors are so strong and constant. We arrive in the parking lot, get out, and they are waiting for us. They wave and yell hi to him. He says nothing. No smile. Absent expression on his face. Twice I heard him cuss, because he legs didn’t move when he wanted them to. I helped him get to his seat, and then helped him fill his plate. Although I was hanging on to the back of his shirt tail, he was staggering like he had just emerged from a bar. All through supper his nose was about two inches from his plate. Totally bent over, seeming like he was afraid he was going to miss out on eating, but I think it was to help the food get into his mouth. There was pretended laughter throughout the caregiver, her son, and myself, all the while keeping an eye on him. Still no expression, not talking, no smiles. All of a sudden he announced he felt funny in his arm. A loss of sensation. She and I looked at each other, and she shook her head, like in understanding. I did not understand. I was thinking stroke. I held his hand and it was warm, a slight greyish look to his nails. We ended the evening shorter than usual. It was not worth sitting there, when she and I wanted to discuss our concerns with each other, but could not do that in front of him.  He stood up, would not accept my help to put his jacket on. His knees bending the longer he stood there and fought with that jacket, but he finally got it on. No words were exchanged on the way home. Total silence. Even the sounds of the radio helped very little. I can’t even remember who was singing. We are home now. He went straight to his room. I hurriedly looked up online, loss of sensation with Parkinson’s. There it was. Description: the tremors cause so much friction within the nerves and muscles that it causes a loss of sensation, that can move through out his limbs. I start to scream inside. Lord!!!!! Deal with this. I am tired. Please help him. Please show me what to do!!!! Somebody help us.

19 thoughts on “Lord, Please Bring Peace

  1. Unfortunately honey I do not think there is anything that can be done except pray! And Pray I will for both of you! I am so sorry I wish I knew exactly what to say in your time of need. Just keep your faith and do not give up hope for the chance that things can maybe get a little better. We know and I think you know deep down inside it can not be cured but miracles have happened. I am here for you as a friend to talk to and to listen always. Take care and God Bless. …..Tracy


    • thank u tracy. i know there is no cure, but i pray constantly for god to bring him peace, some kind of peace while he goes through this. sometimes i see dreams of him in my sleep where he is sitting by jesus smiling, no tremors, and at peace. i hate those dreams. it makes me feel weak, like i am giving up hope. i m not giving up hope. i m just suffering watching him suffer


    • this morning i feel so ashamed. ashamed that i am having trouble accepting what my brother is going through. god must have his reasons, but i am too soft and am looking at people to comfort me instead of god. people are probably getting sick of hearing about my brother


      • There is no reason to feel ashamed about anything. I am not a very religious person. But I have a feeling that God knows best how to help you in your great hour of need. I think that it is possible that he has provided you with friends to help you and your brother and comfort you also. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I am definately not sick of hearing about your brother. I couldn’t imagine going through what you two are going through. You are very brave and compassionate to care enough not to toss in the towel in your sitiuation. I admire you for that. You inspire people with your story. I hope God can give you an understanding about how much you touch people’s lives with this blog. Take care Terry and take heart. I sincerely believe that God has his hand on you and your brother.


      • o thank u so much chris for those uplifting words. i thought people were just getting sick and tired of me going on about my brother. so many people post about such happy little things, like cute butterflies, or how we should act being christians. i find myself being one of the few of the writers who pour all my guts out. so a big thank u chris. it is nice to know that what i say, someone is appreciating it.


      • after an hour at least of trying to defend my faith in god, the friendship is over between your brother and i. it is sad, but he is set in his ways. if you choose to not follow my stories any longer because of being family, i will understand


      • I am very sorry for what ever happened between you and my brother to end your friendship. I hope that doesn’t mean the you and I can’t remain friends. I would very much like to continue reading your blog if you don’t mind. No matter what you decide, I wish you the best and continue to pray for you and your brother.


      • it is over because i don’t believe in speaking in tongues by just anyone. he ended it not me. i was worried that you would end the friendship because you are brothers. of course i won’t end this relationship. i would not end his either, but i can not go against my own beliefs in order to keep a friend when it is about god. we all have our own opinions, and this was a sad thing to me. he is a nice guy. so if it’s ok with u, i still want to remain friends.


  2. This is your blog, your place to vent, share experiences, write it all out if needed (which is often in my case). Sometimes getting the difficult thoughts and the struggles out and on “paper”, is enough to lighten the pressure enough to take one more step. You are a brave soul and a giving soul at that, but that doesn’t mean you are superwoman. Hugs to you from me.


  3. I do not get tired of hearing. I like what you write and share. Sharing the struggle you face each day helps the assembly. I feel connected to your brother somehow, by your writing. Shalom 🙂


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