The Dinner Table


silver ware

silver ware (Photo credit: agavegirl13)

This won’t be long. I just have to get it off my shoulders. I can’t go over and do it for him. He is already upset. He is cussing and he is yelling at me because he thinks he is a five-year old. I am finding this to happen more and more. Each time I offer my help and tell him I understand, I am lying. How could I understand? Unless, I have the same thing, I could have no idea what he is going through. I have tried taking my arm, and tightening it up, and shaking it as fast as I can, but in a matter of seconds, my arm will start to hurt and ache from the tightness. Now he is coughing. Coughing on his drink. He is trying to tell me something while he is struggling to drink his juice. I bought him weighted silver ware, about a month ago, and this seemed to be a miracle in itself. Sometimes I would see the fork or spoon tumbling to the floor, because it would fall out of his hands, but I would just smile at him, and tell him, it is no problem. I will pick it up and wash it off and he can have it back. The arm has become immune to this new weighted item that he holds. It wants and needs more. It is showing its teeth, snarling that nothing I could ever do would begin to beat it down. I feel like it is Satan staring me in the face, and laughing deep from his ugly soul, knowing that I am the loser in this game. We ate out for lunch out today, since we had to pick up medicines. Yes, at his favorite restaurant. While he was eating, his nose was less than two inches from his plate. I wanted to cry out to him, to hold his head up, sit up straight. Tell him that he knows better, but nothing comes out of my mouth. My job at that moment was just to make sure he stayed safe. We ordered dessert for him, and they brought it before the meal, and he gobbled the dessert first, like he had never had that type of sweetness touch his mouth. I almost said something about didn’t he remember that we save our desserts for after our meal? Again, I said nothing.  For supper I was not hungry yet, and he is on his schedule, whether he is hungry or not. I gave him a simple, filling meal with applesauce for dessert. He always takes his medications from a cup. Tonite he could not get the cup up far enough in the air to force the pills to fall downwards into his mouth. He is cussing at the pills. Saying they want to stick in the cup and make a fool of him. I did suggest he place the pills in his hand or that I could help him. He ended up placing them in his hands and did manage to swallow them. Food that I gave him, continued to slide on to the table, some hitting the floor. He is yelling at me, I am five years old. I don’t deserve to eat. Maybe this Parkinson’s should just kill me right now so I don’t starve.  I offer to help feed him, and this was a big NO. He is finished now. Has left the table to brush his teeth. I get up and start cleaning the table and floor.

30 thoughts on “The Dinner Table

  1. Father, I thank you for all the blessing You have given us today and thank you for such a beautiful day. I ask, Father, that You place Your healing hands on Terry and her brother giving them comfort and strength. Stay close to Terry comforting her in this period of discontent and anxiety. Give her a sweet song in her heart that will relax her. I ask this in Jesus name, Amen

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  2. But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).
    God sees all you do Terry..and for your brother..it may not seem so..but God has a purpose for him..and for you..remain strong *hugs*

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  3. Oh, honey, I wish I could make your life a little lighter. I know you love him and want to be there so he can feel that love, but who takes care of you? Do you ever get a break? I admire your strength and your giving soul. Hugs and love.

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  4. It was really good how you unfolded this. At first I thought you were a wife mid dinner who suddenly got up (unable to communicate with her partner!!) & blew off steam on a blog post & then returned to the dinner table,
    but then it unfolded.

    I cannot imagine it either, even if I shake my hand etc. I think you are very loving, and this is beautiful.

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    • thank you. my name is terry, i am a girl. i take care of my brother who has parkinsons, dementia, and heart problems, and is mentally challenged. we struggle each day to get through the emotional part he has had to deal with.

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      • My gosh, Terry, I am so amazed at you. Sorry re your name – I thought ‘Teri’ was the girl. I got way confused because the way your post was written it was clear you were so caring, and for a male – caring for a male, that is.

        That you take care of your brother is amazing. In life, you never know who and you never know when – we need someone to stand by us. I find it awesome you stand by your brother in this. I’m not sure about your family situation – brothers & sisters – but I think it is truly blessed of you. I really wish you both the best, & I will definitely come back to read more. I have a fair bit of mental imbalance in my family, so I’m thinking I’ll be able to relate to that much. Damn, this post is beautiful, Terry.

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      • don’t feel bad, my dad wanted a boy, so my name is spelled like a boy. our parents passed away almost five years ago. the week after their burial, my brother had a heart attack. the doctors said it was because he was unable to express his emotions over something so devasting. he had always lived at home with our parents. i have been taking care of him ever since. thank u for allowing me to share my stories with you.

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  5. I am so sorry you have to experience times like these. You have what seems to me and unending, deep well of patience and compassion. You’re an amazing person, Terry! I will pray for some peace..

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  6. What a fantastic story – even if it’s about a massive struggle for you first of all, but also for him. Tough job you have taken on – tough for body, heart and soul. Admire you – don’t know if I would be able to do that, even if I loved the person in question. You have a generous heart and soul, but don’t forget to look after yourself too – because if you burn yourself out – who will be there then. Difficult balance, but necessary for you both. I know, that you know … but still I want to say – if don’t look after yourself and there will nobody looking after him. You’re a fantastic human.

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    • thank u for those kind words. sometime i ponder on the road ahead, and wonder how long i will b able to care for him. he is getting weaker. it bothers me, giving him up to a facility, but the thoughts cross my mind. i try to ignore them, going one day at a time. thank u for being a kind friend

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      • Terry, give him showers is not enough … there must be more that they can help you with – don’t be nice-nice now .. cry if you have too … so you get the help you need, what will happen to your brother if something goes wrong with you. Scream. cry and moan – feel sorry for yourself in front of them – you need help, woman.

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    • i hate to admit it, because it makes me feel like i am weak, but although i fight it, thoughts cross into my mind about what am i going to do when he is too weak and needs more help than i can give. maybe i am so selfish, not wanting to give up up to a strangers care. i don’t mean to be, but i love him. i pray for a miracle, but i know in reality, there is no cure, but if god could just bring peace to him, i would be the happiest lady in the world. no more tears, no more grumblings. i want to see smles on his face

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  7. This is a classic I know but I believe our Lord is with you right now – turn to him daily for help for you and your brother..

    One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
    Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
    In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
    Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
    other times there were one set of footprints.

    This bothered me because I noticed
    that during the low periods of my life,
    when I was suffering from
    anguish, sorrow or defeat,
    I could see only one set of footprints.

    So I said to the Lord,
    “You promised me Lord,
    that if I followed you,
    you would walk with me always.
    But I have noticed that during
    the most trying periods of my life
    there have only been one
    set of footprints in the sand.
    Why, when I needed you most,
    you have not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied,
    “The times when you have
    seen only one set of footprints,
    is when I carried you.”
    Mary Stevenson

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