A Stranger’s Passing

As I am sitting here writing to you, I have heard of news for the very first time, so you are the second to hear also. My mind is confused. I should not be numb, having no feelings of any kind. Yet my body has a warmth running from heart to toes. There is a cavity where my heart used to sit, that is now empty as my heart has fallen to an unfamiliar place. I have felt this feeling twice before, but it has been almost four and a half years by now. I find myself stopping, hesitating, as I write this, because my boggled brain is still trying to let this sink in. For years, I had always wondered so many things. Things that you would only be able to find the answers, if you stayed near by. There was a hush-hush when ever I would question a loved one around me. I would hear such things as, I don’t remember, it has been too long ago. Which left a young teenager still in turmoil. Was there love between us? Was my name remembered, my birthday, was it a special place in hearts? When I grew up and became a woman, I opened the local newspaper, and was so overly excited, because I had found information that would make my life complete, once and for all.  Things did not work out that way. There was love for the child, but discontent for the adult. I have never understood that myself, and still don’t know the answer to that. I made the trip. Not once, but three times. Maybe I was trying to prove that I was worthy of love. I know that I wanted all of my questions answered. This did not happen. After thirty-six years, there was no bonding to be made. It was very difficult for me to digest the knowledge that open arms were not there. There were no tears of joy, or words of apologies. Nothing but a hardness that showed itself in every word. I was stupid, or desperate, but as I said, I went back for more pain three times total. I did come to grips that this was a part of my life that needed to be put to rest. I was not Cinderella, but I did have the wicked mother. No feelings, no heart, very into her own needs, a selfishness I hope I never acquire. Last year, sometime, when I was having a weak moment, and stirrings were there to still know more, I placed a question in the geneology Section of geneology.com. Today, as I got on my computer to check my emails, there was a letter from a gentleman from geneology. I normally don’t open emails that I don’t know the person, but I did because of where it stemmed from. The words said you mother passed away February 20th, 2006. It continued to tell me about her parents, which I did recognize the names, and siblings, which I also was familiar with. It told of her second marriage, apart from my father, and his name, which I knew, and information on his parents, which I didn’t know. They had a daughter who married Dick Chaney, VP of the United States. This was family to me by marriage. The writer must have been trying to console me, letting me know I was related to a famous person, but all my eyes were fixed on  was  the part when she passed away. She had died. She was gone. I feel like I lost someone very important to me, but yet a stranger she was  in my life. A person who had occupied my time for many many years, was now gone. Once again, I have to learn to place this new information somewhere deep. So deep it will never find its way to surface again. It is over. Let it go. There are no tears to shed. Those were done many years past. Only numbness and a wicked sort of loneliness remains. I will get over this, like I did other hurtful times, and my life will go on, taking care of my brother. One day my brother and I also will be gone, then all will be final, no more thoughts or pain.