A Stranger’s Passing


As I am sitting here writing to you, I have heard of news for the very first time, so you are the second to hear also. My mind is confused. I should not be numb, having no feelings of any kind. Yet my body has a warmth running from heart to toes. There is a cavity where my heart used to sit, that is now empty as my heart has fallen to an unfamiliar place. I have felt this feeling twice before, but it has been almost four and a half years by now. I find myself stopping, hesitating, as I write this, because my boggled brain is still trying to let this sink in. For years, I had always wondered so many things. Things that you would only be able to find the answers, if you stayed near by. There was a hush-hush when ever I would question a loved one around me. I would hear such things as, I don’t remember, it has been too long ago. Which left a young teenager still in turmoil. Was there love between us? Was my name remembered, my birthday, was it a special place in hearts? When I grew up and became a woman, I opened the local newspaper, and was so overly excited, because I had found information that would make my life complete, once and for all.  Things did not work out that way. There was love for the child, but discontent for the adult. I have never understood that myself, and still don’t know the answer to that. I made the trip. Not once, but three times. Maybe I was trying to prove that I was worthy of love. I know that I wanted all of my questions answered. This did not happen. After thirty-six years, there was no bonding to be made. It was very difficult for me to digest the knowledge that open arms were not there. There were no tears of joy, or words of apologies. Nothing but a hardness that showed itself in every word. I was stupid, or desperate, but as I said, I went back for more pain three times total. I did come to grips that this was a part of my life that needed to be put to rest. I was not Cinderella, but I did have the wicked mother. No feelings, no heart, very into her own needs, a selfishness I hope I never acquire. Last year, sometime, when I was having a weak moment, and stirrings were there to still know more, I placed a question in the geneology Section of geneology.com. Today, as I got on my computer to check my emails, there was a letter from a gentleman from geneology. I normally don’t open emails that I don’t know the person, but I did because of where it stemmed from. The words said you mother passed away February 20th, 2006. It continued to tell me about her parents, which I did recognize the names, and siblings, which I also was familiar with. It told of her second marriage, apart from my father, and his name, which I knew, and information on his parents, which I didn’t know. They had a daughter who married Dick Chaney, VP of the United States. This was family to me by marriage. The writer must have been trying to console me, letting me know I was related to a famous person, but all my eyes were fixed on  was  the part when she passed away. She had died. She was gone. I feel like I lost someone very important to me, but yet a stranger she was  in my life. A person who had occupied my time for many many years, was now gone. Once again, I have to learn to place this new information somewhere deep. So deep it will never find its way to surface again. It is over. Let it go. There are no tears to shed. Those were done many years past. Only numbness and a wicked sort of loneliness remains. I will get over this, like I did other hurtful times, and my life will go on, taking care of my brother. One day my brother and I also will be gone, then all will be final, no more thoughts or pain.

37 thoughts on “A Stranger’s Passing

    • thank u for allowing me to share my story with you. it means alot to me to have friends who are supportive. sometimes my closest friends are ones who i don’t know personally………….

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      • I know … you should just write what you feel for. If nobody response – what does it matter – at least you feel better after got it out of the system. As a child did I write to fabricated friends .. just wrote and throw them away and i felt so free after every letter. *smile Now we have our blog.

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  1. Oh Terry, I’m so sorry!!! I wondered what your comment meant that you left on the laughs, now I know 😦 I don’t think that it is unreasonable for you to feel this way. Although she was a “stranger” to you, she was your mother. There is an unexplainable bond there. I know this because I have a cousin who was adopted and even though she had my aunt and uncle as great parents, she still longed to know her birth parents. She met her dad a very short time before he passed away too and she experienced a similar ache as to what you are. My heart and thoughts are with you, dear friend! hugs, Terri

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  2. I’m sorry for this brings you pain. Sometimes when a mother rejects the child it indicates mental illness or other issues with the mother. But the child feels rejection and somehow responsibility for the rejection. Really, on an intellectual level you know you are not responsible but it may be hard to emotionally accept that. I saw my aunt to that to my cousin. I hope you can move on past this now that she is gone. I think it is grief for the rejection more than for the person, but either way, there is a loss. Take care of yourself and know that others care too.

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    • that must be it. a grief for the rejection, because i would be the one who is nuts if i was grieving over someone who didn’t want me. thank u for sharing your thoughts

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  3. I think I would be numb too. There are just some things in this life it is going to take some time to decide just exactly what you are going to feel about, if anything at all. Bless you, Terry. I can’t even tell you how much my heart hurts for your right now…

    Your Friend,
    Bird

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      • i always consider talking to someone when it comes to my brother, but i have never considered someone for me. i guess i look at myself as invinceable. kind of a bad thing i guess

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    • i will end up burying it with all my other feelings about her. she loved me as a child, but as seeing me as an adult, she could not deal with the guilt from what she had done to me

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      • It is a hard place for either of you to be in….You have all my respect for being able to deal with such hard trials… 🙂

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      • it isn’t easy. this week has been unusally tough. i lost a friendship over the fact that i do not speak in tongues. this friend pretty much said i was not a christian. then dealing with my brother’s day to day ups and downs, an now receiving this news. i m pretty much numb still, but burying it is the only way i know how to deal with it. all my relatives are deceased, leaving me with no one to talk about it. i guess this is why i chose my readers

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      • That speaking in tongues thing just sends me over the edge every time I hear about it…Talk about not understanding the bible!! I’m no big advocate for therapy, but it seems to help a lot of people. Have you considered talking to some one? The problem with “numbing out” is that it is a temporary fix at best. Eventually, it starts leaking into dreams, subconscious, and then moods.

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      • it better not !!!!! i have always considered myself a survivor, but i guess i can be beat down too. i am so thankful for your friendship

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  4. I don’t have a lot to offer at the moment, just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now – and in days to come, but I want you to know that I’m here for you in thoughts and words should you need it.

    I don’t know why your mother made the choices she did. My only experience in that area is that I know what I had to do in order to leave people behind. I had to close my heart off. Erase these individual from existence. No, these people weren’t my children, but I imagine leaving a child would magnify the need for closing off and shutting down the feelings one once had for that child. Plus a ton of self-justification. Meaning that in order to stay ahead of the guilt, one tells oneself how it was necessary to make the choices that were made. Make the choices make sense in one’s mind.

    I suspect your mother already had issues before she left without knowing for sure. I just can’t imagine her leaving you unless she was already emotionally wounded. I wouldn’t go as far as calling it a mental illness, but perhaps mental instability of sorts.

    This probably doesn’t help you at all, as it’s most likely my inadequate way of trying to be here for you. To show you that I care.

    Hugs,

    Sara.

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing this and I’m so sorry for your pain – I can’t even imagine how you must feel – one thing I do know after reading your post – life is too short, too short not to bond, too short not to love, too short to not be with the ones you love..

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    • it feels so strange to have feelings of mourning for a human that i didn’t know that well, but i am having these feelings. it was a dream, something i would not let go of, that she and i would be mother and daughter. i will b glad when this passes from my mind

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      • I don’t think it is strange at all – even though you were distant – she was your mother – as long as she was alive you had hope – now there is a wall there and I would imagine it must feel surreal.

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  6. Terry, this is heavy, and I hate this happened :-/ It seems unreal, and I’m sure it hurts. No one could expect you not to feel hurt through all this. Know that my prayers are with you (and I’m not just saying that).

    Yet even through the pain, the writing is superb: “There is a cavity where my heart used to sit…” Powerful imagery. You’ve been blogrolled, btw.

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    • thank you william. i used to believe that if i shared my inner most thoughts to the world, it made me look weak and wimpy, but not anymore. through writing it clears my head, through my relationship, it begins healing, and with the knowledge of friendships formed here, i feel not so out of place. this pain is real, but it will soon pass like all others, thank u for being a confidant to me

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  7. this is sad but unfortunately this is sometimes common in families who have a hard time expressing love because maybe they were hurt by someone else in the past and our parents do not always tell us what happened in the past, they feel as though it is not our business or think it won’t matter so they let it go. And it can effect us for the remainder of our lives and the only healing from this is through God and he will heal your broken heart through time. if you need someone to talk to I am here and won’t mind if you need ministered to.

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    • other than rambling on to you, i can just say this pain has followed me all of my days since the age of 13. with god’s help i have been able to keep these feelings under control. finding out she has passed has caused them to resurface. this too shall pass. i so appreciate my friends here at word press, and i find great comfort in knowing you understand what i have been writing. thank you for being here robbie. it is a blesing to me

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    • i probably count on you and other fellow friend bloggers more than i should, but it works for me…..thank you. i m starting the closure today in my mind. it is over, the pain still there, but it will leave as today leaves us also

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  8. This must have been so hard for you to write, or, maybe it helped. I was a daddy’s girl growing up, but now we are strangers. Ihave had no contact with him in almost 25 years. I assume he is still on this earth, but I don’t know for sure. I hope you take solace in the fact that you are doing the right thing by your brother in whatever time he does have left.

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    • i think the distance between my mother and i has caused me to be more compassionate about life. as long as i can take care of my brother, i will, with god’s help. thank u for understanding what i wrote

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