This morning I wrote a post that showed some sadness and some wonderful joy. I will never forget the joy, the sadness hopefully will pass for my caregiver. Tonight, only hours later, I want to share another story of what happened today. I wasn’t going to even say anything about it. Because it is something I don’t seem to be able to put to rest,  but  after just reading a blog from a poster, that I enjoy reading, I decided, what the heck, tell all, you always do! The blog I read, seemed to be speaking to me directly, at least that is the way I read it, and of course it wasn’t about me, not really. http://birdmartin.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/the-all-ellusive-happiness/ Please read this. It came from Bird. What it did for me was to push me to keep the strength, keep the faith, and keep going forward. I felt like this posting today. My brother woke up with the ghost look. No smiles, no tears, just clammy, and very sweaty and a pure white around his eyes. He did eat his breakfast. The caregiver did come give him his shower, and I have to take a quick moment here to thank her dearly for she is a wonderful caregiver. Her mate’s surgery that I thought was done yesterday was delayed until this morning very early. Yet she came here, because she knew my brother needed her. Bless her heart. So, she calls me into the bathroom, to show me red spots speckled through- out his chest area and his back. I recognized these spots. Every time he has heart problems for some unknown reason unknown to doctors, this red rash appears. She gives him his shower, and gets him dressed. Immediately, he starts to sweat and grow paler. I place him in the car and we go to his local doctor, which is on the route to the hospital. I run in and explain what is happening, and they say they are booked. If it is an emergency, take him to the hospital. Alright, I have to accept this, even though my brother is sitting there bawling his eyes out. He doesn’t want to go to the hospital!! We move towards the hospital. I take him in. He is barely standing, so they place him in a wheel chair. The wait was very short in the waiting area, as they heard the word heart. He was immediately hooked up to the monitor, and the sticky notes were placed all over his body. Machines were hooked up, sounds of monitors were heard. An IV was inserted into his arm with much cussing being heard from his mouth. The nurse must have been very experienced with his kind, for she said nothing. Blood was drawn. I was so thankful that the caregiver had been paying attention and that I was observant. I just knew I was saving him from yet another disaster. I was so impressed with this hospital. What fast speed. So efficient! The nurse leaves the room stating the doctor will be right in. An hour goes by, no doctor, an hour and ten minutes goes by, he comes in. He tells my brother to raise his arms. Now I am going to push down on your arms, don’t let me push your arms down. With my naked eye, I can see that one arm is definitely much weaker. He stops the tests and says to me, Yep, he has equal strength in each arm, no heart attack here. My jaw dropped. Of course you and I all know he has Parkinson’s, with major tremors. I have not stated to you before that he had a TIA a year ago, a silent stroke, and two years ago he had a major seizure, that killed off many cells in the frontal part of his brain, helping Parkinson’s to enter his body at a much earlier time than it should have. I see him either hold his arm in a L shape when walking, or I see it dangling from his body, like it may be ready to fall off. So this doctor is telling me, Yep, he is equal on both sides. No heart attack. Now I have to say that when we lived in Florida, where his seizures and Parkinson’s began, it was a common procedure, that if I took my brother to the ER, there was a brain scan performed, along with blood work, an x-ray of the heart. Common procedures. Today, the doctor says no heart attack. Let’s run a CBC, complete blood work. I interrupted him and said they had drawn blood when we first entered the room, and the doctor says it is sitting out on his desk awaiting for approval from him to run certain tests. It will only take an hour to run. Now we had already been there for an hour and a half by now. He says let’s get a brain scan and a chest x-ray. He walked away without waiting for a response to me. I sat there wanting to bite my nails to chew on his words,but I don’t bite my nails. I heard my brother complaining about his bottom end burning from laying in the same position for so long, and he was trying to roll over, but being so weak, this is a major struggle for him, plus all the wires attached to him. No more thinking. I got up and went out to the nurse’s station and got his charge nurse. I took her aside, and said, if my brother were actually having a heart attack, we would not be sitting here now for almost one hour forty-five minutes. The doctor and you, charge nurse, would be in over time mode, correct? She looked at me and probably wasn’t used to hearing people be mouthy like me. I asked her, did he have a heart attack? She said no. I explained that we were already in treatment with seizures, that too many expensive scans were done to him and I wasn’t going to put him through this again and again. The x-ray, no to this also. I came in here to make sure he wasn’t having a heart attack. He isn’t. I want him to be released. She walked away, not saying a word. She brought in a form in about fifteen minutes, saying sign this, so we aren’t held liable if he dies. She takes the IV out, pulls the stickies and wires off. Helps him to get dressed. I am satisfied, he didn’t have a heart attack. I am satisfied that I didn’t give the insurance companies any more monies for routine orders. This was all from his Parkinson’s.  There was a brief moment, I admit, that I panicked, when I heard the word death, but I HAVE to  have FAITH in GOD. When I read Bird’s blog, it so reminded me of my faith that I had and have grown even more. I am guilty of not going to church too often. I do not like organized churches where I feel all they want is my money. I do feel God is with me every minute of my day. I have no doubt. I pray harder in my closet than I ever do when I attend church. If I don’t make it to heaven, because I didn’t know about this rule or that rule, I can at least know I tried very hard. I took very good care of my brother, I loved my children as best as I could. I gave to all who needed giving. I did my best.

How Can You Question Whether There Is A God?

We go through each day. Making plans for this day or another. We have our weeks, sometimes months planned for us. But, can we really do this in reality? Do we really know what tomorrow brings, let alone our next moment? We get used to living our lives. Planning not on the unexpected. God needs and wants to show us to count on him. To depend on him, to never make a decision without him. He is our Father, our leader, our guide to a life that he directs  as in  sets  in a movie. Let’s use me for an example for what I have said. I had nothing going on for this past weekend. Fix meals for brother and me. Do some cleaning, some laundry. Do the best to make a calm home for the two of us. Things went as I planned, until Sunday. One day can be turned around and you find yourself with wonderful surprises or you can find yourself on bended knee asking for help from our almighty God. For me, Sunday was the day that God picked, it was a sad time. A time for bended knee, a time to go in prayer and talk to our Father. Our brother’s caregiver had gotten a hold of me and let me know that her mate had fallen down the stairs and was hurt. No, he didn’t trip. He had been sleeping  prior and had been woken up by a feeling of nausea and not feeling well. What he and his family didn’t realize at the time, was that this young man had had a heart attack, and had tried to make it down stairs to let someone know, and fell down the stairs causing two broken places in his neck. From this moment, lives will be changed for months. With plenty of prayers, surgery is being performed, and we know that God will be at his side. What ever outcome happens, we have to know that God has this in his ultimate plan. Thoughts of this went in and out of my mind the whole day. God knew that stress is already upon me, so he gave me a diversion. In the afternoon, I had family stop by. We spent time together, beautifying the yard, mowing, seeding new grass, pulling weeds. My brother even came out of the house and sat outside for hours. After this work had been complete, we all agreed to grill out hamburgers, steaks, and hot dogs for the kids. We had potato salad, bow tie pasta, chips, and dessert. The day continued on until way past dark, sitting around the campfire, chatting and laughing. I had not laughed so hard in a long time. All thought of Parkinson’s, Dementia, tears, and sorrow, were replaced by family, food, and laughter. God knows the perfect timing. He is everywhere and all at the same time. As he is helping heal a young man in surgery, he has also healed  me and my brother’s heart, mind and soul for today.