This morning I wrote a post that showed some sadness and some wonderful joy. I will never forget the joy, the sadness hopefully will pass for my caregiver. Tonight, only hours later, I want to share another story of what happened today. I wasn’t going to even say anything about it. Because it is something I don’t seem to be able to put to rest,  but  after just reading a blog from a poster, that I enjoy reading, I decided, what the heck, tell all, you always do! The blog I read, seemed to be speaking to me directly, at least that is the way I read it, and of course it wasn’t about me, not really. http://birdmartin.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/the-all-ellusive-happiness/ Please read this. It came from Bird. What it did for me was to push me to keep the strength, keep the faith, and keep going forward. I felt like this posting today. My brother woke up with the ghost look. No smiles, no tears, just clammy, and very sweaty and a pure white around his eyes. He did eat his breakfast. The caregiver did come give him his shower, and I have to take a quick moment here to thank her dearly for she is a wonderful caregiver. Her mate’s surgery that I thought was done yesterday was delayed until this morning very early. Yet she came here, because she knew my brother needed her. Bless her heart. So, she calls me into the bathroom, to show me red spots speckled through- out his chest area and his back. I recognized these spots. Every time he has heart problems for some unknown reason unknown to doctors, this red rash appears. She gives him his shower, and gets him dressed. Immediately, he starts to sweat and grow paler. I place him in the car and we go to his local doctor, which is on the route to the hospital. I run in and explain what is happening, and they say they are booked. If it is an emergency, take him to the hospital. Alright, I have to accept this, even though my brother is sitting there bawling his eyes out. He doesn’t want to go to the hospital!! We move towards the hospital. I take him in. He is barely standing, so they place him in a wheel chair. The wait was very short in the waiting area, as they heard the word heart. He was immediately hooked up to the monitor, and the sticky notes were placed all over his body. Machines were hooked up, sounds of monitors were heard. An IV was inserted into his arm with much cussing being heard from his mouth. The nurse must have been very experienced with his kind, for she said nothing. Blood was drawn. I was so thankful that the caregiver had been paying attention and that I was observant. I just knew I was saving him from yet another disaster. I was so impressed with this hospital. What fast speed. So efficient! The nurse leaves the room stating the doctor will be right in. An hour goes by, no doctor, an hour and ten minutes goes by, he comes in. He tells my brother to raise his arms. Now I am going to push down on your arms, don’t let me push your arms down. With my naked eye, I can see that one arm is definitely much weaker. He stops the tests and says to me, Yep, he has equal strength in each arm, no heart attack here. My jaw dropped. Of course you and I all know he has Parkinson’s, with major tremors. I have not stated to you before that he had a TIA a year ago, a silent stroke, and two years ago he had a major seizure, that killed off many cells in the frontal part of his brain, helping Parkinson’s to enter his body at a much earlier time than it should have. I see him either hold his arm in a L shape when walking, or I see it dangling from his body, like it may be ready to fall off. So this doctor is telling me, Yep, he is equal on both sides. No heart attack. Now I have to say that when we lived in Florida, where his seizures and Parkinson’s began, it was a common procedure, that if I took my brother to the ER, there was a brain scan performed, along with blood work, an x-ray of the heart. Common procedures. Today, the doctor says no heart attack. Let’s run a CBC, complete blood work. I interrupted him and said they had drawn blood when we first entered the room, and the doctor says it is sitting out on his desk awaiting for approval from him to run certain tests. It will only take an hour to run. Now we had already been there for an hour and a half by now. He says let’s get a brain scan and a chest x-ray. He walked away without waiting for a response to me. I sat there wanting to bite my nails to chew on his words,but I don’t bite my nails. I heard my brother complaining about his bottom end burning from laying in the same position for so long, and he was trying to roll over, but being so weak, this is a major struggle for him, plus all the wires attached to him. No more thinking. I got up and went out to the nurse’s station and got his charge nurse. I took her aside, and said, if my brother were actually having a heart attack, we would not be sitting here now for almost one hour forty-five minutes. The doctor and you, charge nurse, would be in over time mode, correct? She looked at me and probably wasn’t used to hearing people be mouthy like me. I asked her, did he have a heart attack? She said no. I explained that we were already in treatment with seizures, that too many expensive scans were done to him and I wasn’t going to put him through this again and again. The x-ray, no to this also. I came in here to make sure he wasn’t having a heart attack. He isn’t. I want him to be released. She walked away, not saying a word. She brought in a form in about fifteen minutes, saying sign this, so we aren’t held liable if he dies. She takes the IV out, pulls the stickies and wires off. Helps him to get dressed. I am satisfied, he didn’t have a heart attack. I am satisfied that I didn’t give the insurance companies any more monies for routine orders. This was all from his Parkinson’s.  There was a brief moment, I admit, that I panicked, when I heard the word death, but I HAVE to  have FAITH in GOD. When I read Bird’s blog, it so reminded me of my faith that I had and have grown even more. I am guilty of not going to church too often. I do not like organized churches where I feel all they want is my money. I do feel God is with me every minute of my day. I have no doubt. I pray harder in my closet than I ever do when I attend church. If I don’t make it to heaven, because I didn’t know about this rule or that rule, I can at least know I tried very hard. I took very good care of my brother, I loved my children as best as I could. I gave to all who needed giving. I did my best.

38 thoughts on “Enough!!!

  1. Oh wow. All I know to say to you is God bless you and your brother. It’s so hard dealing with the doctors and hospitals sometimes…and I feel so deeply for your brother and for you. –Anne


    • after so many visits to ER’s and hospitals, and weekly stays with hospitals, you learn that there is a pattern that happens with patterned testings, and sometimes, not always, but sometimes it is a great way for them to take money from your pocket. i am not a doctor, but these same tests had been run several times in the past. doctors have already explained the cells are dead in the frontal part of his brain. i don’t need to b reminded over and over of this pain


      • Yep, that’s the thing about doctors though. Instead of getting directly to the source, they want to poke and poke and poke just to be sure. Nothing pleasant about it for anyone


  2. There are no hidden rules, Terry. Only to accept Him. Which it is obvious to the rest of us that you have. So, yes, you’ll be kicking back in your heavenly mansion one day.. 🙂 Good call with those doctors too…They get very desensitized, don’t they? All talk, and no listening!


  3. I agree with Bird, Terry. I don’t go in for organized religion, either. I do, however believe in God with all my heart and soul and that he sent His Son to die for our sins. Your brother is very lucky to have you looking out for him.


  4. Terry,
    If you have trusted in Christ and His work on the cross for the forgiveness of your sins, you can be at peace knowing that your future is secure in Him. That is the wonderful thing about our Lord. He doesn’t expect us to keep a bunch of rules to save ourselves. Nor does He demand that we go to church to find forgiveness for our sins. He simply invites us to lay our sins and failures down, come to Him realizing we can do nothing to save ourselves, and trust in Him to take care of it all.
    He paid the price for our sins, He took the punishment that we deserved on Himself, He intercedes for us at the right hand of God the Father. Lord bless you, There are MANY people praying for you.


    • for some reason unknown to me, in my area, church is looked as,,,,as if you don’t go to church u r nothing. i hate it. it goes against what i truly believe, that i am a christian, whether i go or not. it makes me feel confused, and angry when someone makes me feel pressured into something i don’t want. i feel that i am a believe of god, that he is with me at all times, i lean on him


      • Terry,
        What you are describing is a common attitude that many hold in today’s time. But based upon what God’s Word says THEY ARE WRONG. They are confusing an outward display of religion with having a living relationship with Jesus Christ. It is such a shame that those who take the name of Christ can be so confused about what having a relationship with Christ is all about.

        Terry, keep in mind I have pastored Baptist churches for more than 15 years and I have always told my people that there are many benefits to attending a church…

        In church we receive fellowship and support and encouragement from other believers, we are taught from God’s Word, it allows us to minister to our community in a united, organized way… the list can go on and on. It would be for these reasons, I would encourage you to prayerfully consider finding a loving church that would stand with you, encourage you and help you in many ways.

        But your salvation is not an issue of church membership, nor does your lack of church attendance make you a “worse” person than they are. In many ways, you are honoring God in far greater ways than many of the church goers would ever think of doing.

        Lord bless.


      • i don’t know why, but as i was reading your reply, a tear came to my eye. i was brought up in church, and for this or that reason, would come and go, god always being in my back pocket. when my father became ill with cancer in 2007, i took care of him with no one offering any help. during those 10 months, dad and i found god again, and when dad died, i wept for what seemed an eternity. a week after his burial, my mentally challenged brother had a heart attack. i immediately went from caring for dad to brother, and still do. for different


      • cont… reasons, i have swayed away from the church, but grew stronger in my faith. it is hard for me to return to church as tears form from loss of parents, it is hard to get my brother to church, plus he cries constantly from missing parents also, and sad songs. for now, it is easier to pray in my closet, although i talk to god like any other friend, anytime, any place. i feel guilt for not attending church, and yet i do not go. i ask god to please understand


  5. Thank you so much for your posts. The dynamics between a sister (as caregiver) and a brother with dementia can only be understood by someone who has been there! I have not had time to journal much lately but you are inspiring me to get with the program. I am doing everything I can to keep my brother out of the hospital and especially out of nursing care where I fear that if he lands there again he will be a dead man. Hang in there and keep doing what you’re doing!


  6. One other thing…this morning I was praying and asking for Jesus to help me with a bunch of forgiveness issues I was dealing with. This after I had dropped my brother off at day care and watched him walk so slowly. He is a marathon runner who has run 170 marathons in the past 30 years including Boston four times, now he can barely walk at age 65. Yesterday he remembered the times from the four Boston Marathons: 2:36, 2:50, 2:52 and 2:56. WOW all under three hours. Anyway as soon as I said my little prayer I saw this on a license plate: PRSVRNC


  7. Terry! Bird! What a blessing to see one help the other and then extend this blessing to others. Only God can transform our trials into miracles… Thank you both of you and thank you Lord.


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