What Do I Say?


The spring weather has been a blessing for me. It has drawn one of my children to my house. The conversations are nice. There is no defense being put up on anyone. The campfire is roaring. Flames flickering, wood snapping. The smell of wood burning is like chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. It is so nice to just relax. To not have a doctor appointment, nor hear the phone ring. Cars in the neighborhood are resting. Children are quiet and asleep. It is so peaceful. My brother came out and sat in his chair, and chatted a mile a minute. There was plenty of laughter to spread around this night. This morning starts a new. I get up and my eye is sore from my infection. I wash it out, and add the medicine. Now I can walk around with a fuzzy blur in one eye for about an hour. This is tolerable though, knowing the outcome is no more infection. Brother gets up, and walks out slowly and very quiet. Fixes his waffles with both knees bent so far, they are touching the cabinet doors. He eats, not paying attention to the daily news on the talk box. No bad comments about the news like I  have grown accustomed to. Silence. Soon after breakfast, the caregiver rings the bell, and has arrived to give him his shower care. He takes one look at her and starts crying. I have no idea where this is coming from. We talk to him, and he is explaining about what has been happening while she was gone. He tells all his worries, which I didn’t know we had. What I learned from his chatter, was that last night, he had come in from outdoors, to get a snack and a drink of juice. While he was pouring the juice, his tremors took a notion to jerk at a bad time, and the juice went flying. He had tried to clean it up, and he said it made him feel so bad, that he had this accident, that he just sat and cried. He hated the tremors. He felt like he had done something wrong for the tremors to be here in the beginning. He questioned us on why he had to have them. This left me speechless for a moment, trying to get my brain rearranged, thinking in his shoes instead of mine. I gave him the reason being, he did nothing wrong, that he wasn’t guilty of anything. The spilled drink meant nothing to me, that it was too easy to just clean up. None of this worked, as I knew, myself, that if it was me, I would know this was all bull crap excuses. I would realize I was getting worse, and I would know that I couldn’t be the person I used to be. There is no good excuse. I should just shut my mouth. I was making him feel small inside, by humoring him like a child. When he was taking his shower, he fell into the wall. This made the tears flow at a water fall rate. I now knew that he was in the

tear

tear (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

mind-set that he is a failure in his own body He can no longer walk, or stand tall, or do anything without help. After the caregiver left, I went in and changed his sheets. I started a load of his laundry. When I walked out here, he was wiping tears from his eyes once again. I asked him what is wrong? He told me, thanks for changing my sheets. I used to be able to do that.

31 thoughts on “What Do I Say?

  1. Terry, my heart goes with you and your brother. Hearing how his tremors put him into such awful feeling, it really breaks my heart. 😢I’ll keep you in my prayers. Thanks for sharing. Tc

    Like

  2. I loved your insight that he is a failure in his own body. How beautiful that he thanked you for changing the sheets, yet bittersweet because he knew that he couldn’t do that anymore.
    “We both have our own problems,” I told my cousin Dave.
    “But with the two of us together, we’ll do alright,” he said.
    Comments like those made me smile through the difficult times of caring for someone with Parkinsons.

    Like

    • Teresa, your words touched me greatly. Parkinson’s is a terrible thing to me. I often wonder if I had a choice, if I wouldn’t prefer a cancer. only reason being cancer is sometimes, more often than not, short lived. you can make plans, finish things you hadn’t finished. with parkinson’s you watch a person dissolve for maybe years, with no rest in the near future. i hope u understand what i am trying to say. it breaks my heart, to see how he is suffering, watching his pain

      Like

  3. Your strength and caring abilities amazes me. You are like those jewels, writers, who I admire for getting through each day, the best that we can. It is so much more difficult when it’s family who tugs at our heart strings, while still trying to take care of yourself (which, for my eye infection, I found LidCare to be recommended by my optometrist, and you might find it helpful http://well.ca/products/lid-care-eyelid-cleanser-eye_379.html).

    I hope you are also finding ways to take care of yourself too as burnout is quite common and can make it harder to be patient and kind when taking a toll on us everyday. I’m sure you’re doing little things for yourself, and I hope blinking away those tears, and remembering how much support you have makes you feel cared for too. 🙂

    Pink.

    Like

    • my favorite time for me each day, is early rising, before my brother awakes, and bed time, where i read the daily paper, and watch the television. i try to take time for me, but i don’t find it often. i look back at how quickly my brother’s parkinson’s had progressed, and i just want to sit and cry. i try so hard to make some part of each day so special for him. sometimes it works, others not. i m working on his big birthday party. a surprise for him on may 5th. i can not wait!!!

      Like

      • You know they say that the intention counts even more than the action, and if you complete the good deed, than all the more reward goes to you. Thus, your good heart to want to be there is what truly counts, more than what the results are, which are often beyond our control. Hmmm.. this is a good reminder for me too. Huh! 😀

        Pink.

        Like

      • greetings! you can try morning when you wake up and at night before going to bed, using your regular moisturizer or antibiotic cream. like a cleaner basically. you may want to verify this with the eye doctor for your special case or the pharmacist, but it is generally helpful for eye infections. do check with professional for your circumstance.

        mine happened after years of using clinique’s total eyes. I switched to Yonka Nutri contour (eskincarestore.com) and havent had a problem with this all natural Paris line. your spa may have samples 🙂

        hope this helps and feel free to lemme know if I may be of any furtherhelp. Aveeno is great too. love their daily scrub.

        eye infections are usually caused by stress though..

        pink

        Like

      • ok i will ask doctor first. you may b right. stress is in my life a lot. the doctor says i keep getting infections from the spot where the eye lash grows out of. for now i have to quit wearing any make up. so now everyone can see me for me. yuck!!! thank you for your help

        Like

  4. thank u so much Pink. i never thought of it like that, because i do fail. sometimes i fail to have that extra patience, or i get so tired, that hearing him talk non stop at times makes me just want to go to bed, but …….i can not hurt him, he can’t help it, so i just continue to listen…….he is truly special to me

    Like

  5. Terry that made me cry. Wow. Oh your brother, the poor dear man. I can only imagine how hard this is for him. To not be able to change his own sheets. No wonder he cries. I feel his gratitude, but yes, he must feel like a failure, even though, yes you are right, he has done nothing wrong. My heart hurts for him. I want to hug him and tell him he is loved. Your blog is so inspiring. It’s your heart, how big it is. God bless you sweetheart.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.