My brother and I did not attend church today. I told him he could watch a christian show on TV, and that this would help replace going to church. He did not do this. At six pm, one of my favorite shows came on. Dr. Charles Stanley. I planned supper around it, so that we would be eating and still with our ears open to the message. It was amazing. It was all about stress. Not just the word stress, but what it can do to you physically and emotionally. While listening to the sermon, I kept glancing over at my brother, hoping that some word or sentence woke something up in him. Something that he connected with. He continued with his eating, face an inch from his plate. I have since discovered, this is a part of the Parkinson’s, the face near the plate. I was listening to the show and watching him, and then Dr. Stanley, made a comment about how to get your prayers answered. I quit watching my brother so much, and paid closer attention. I tried to listen to it as a first-time person never hearing the word of God. The order of answered prayers in his words, were, 1. go to God in prayer 2. Thank him for loving me unconditionally. 3. Believe that he will keep his promise. At that moment, the room became silent. I am not sure if I was actually breathing or not. I glanced over at my brother and his eyes were upon me. Neither of us said a word, but I was feeling something inside. I am not sure if it is guilt, or maybe I was hearing these familiar words for the first time, but I knew at this moment, my thoughts were turned away from my brother and they were turned into myself. I did believe in God. I knew it. I have said it. I try to live it. I do pray to God. I often speak about how I speak to God more as a friend, instead of someone sitting in a church pew. I do thank God for loving me unconditionally. No one recognizes my sins more than myself. Believe in God. I do, or do I? Of course I do! His last question to me, and the audience. Do you know, without a doubt, that God will answer your prayer, no matter what the outcome may be? Here, I fell short. I am a doubter. I didn’t realize it until watching this show. A doubter. That doesn’t even feel good rolling off of my tongue. It has a garbage taste left in my mouth. All of a sudden, I don’t know how to pray. I have sat here for minutes, thinking of what I should say to him, God. How do I tell him I am not as strong as I thought I was. How can you tell someone that you have doubts? I need the perfect moment, I shouldn’t, but I do. It has to be all quiet in here. I want no interruptions. I want my conversation with God to be only with God. I want to tell him my fears, my sadness I feel for my brother. I want to tell him that I am scared. Scared of losing my brother. Scared of being all alone if something would happen to him. I want to tell God that I love him. I want to praise his name. I want to thank him for loving someone like me. I want to ask for forgiveness of my sins. I want to ask him to heal my brother, even if it means taking him from this world. I want to ask him to guide me, to give me a better ear to listen to his words. I want to tell him that I believe. I want to ask him to remove my doubt, and replace it with more faith.