The Time Is Now


Illustration of the Parkinson disease by Sir W...

Illustration of the Parkinson disease by Sir William Richard Gowers from A Manual of Diseases of the Nervous System in 1886 showing the characteristic posture of PD patients (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wrote to you, my blog followers, earlier today about how tired I am. I think the devil himself is leaning on me this very day. I do know that I am smart enough to not let him win. I do have enough fight left in me to tell him to go straight back to hell! If I am going to be dealt anything bad, I would rather get it all done in one day than a little bit each day. This day, I felt, was the ultimate day. After we got home from the auction, my brother went to take his nap. I knew he was disappointed that he didn’t get to purchase any of his coca cola items, but this is the chance you take when you go to auctions, right? Right! I didn’t really notice anything else different. I heard no sounds coming from the baby monitor, so I knew he was sleeping nicely. I really need to quit second guessing. During supper, from watching TV , and now tears, and I mean heavy tears. Tears I have never seen from anyone’s face before. His whole face turned bright red. I thought he was having another heart attack. He looks at me with his hands shaking profusely, and he asks me straight out, whose fault is it that I got this Parkinson’s? Who did I inherit this from? Why cant the doctors fix this stupid thing? I sat here once again, trying to change brain gears from the news to this. I listened without talking while he went on with his questions. For this one time, I didn’t feel the pity for him. I actually felt some sort of weird, strange anger. I can remember thinking, alright! you want the answers? you want the truth? even after all this time I have protected you from any bad information? He kept going on asking what he did wrong, did his dad give this to him, because his dad didn’t like him? Which was not true. Dad loved him, but he carried his own guilt over the upbringing of my brother. I think my brother must have used a half of a box of kleenex during this time of 21 questions. After he was done, I looked him straight on, straight in the eye, and I asked him, do you really, really want to know about Parkinson’s? He calmed down for a moment, and shook his head up and down as a yes signal. I got on the computer and googled Parkinson’s. I read it almost word for word to him, only leaving out big words, I knew he would not understand. I read him the symptoms. I read him about the weak legs, and the freezing of his legs. I read to him the five stages of Parkinson’s. He was quietly crying, but he was listening. Afterwards, I felt awful inside. It was if I was telling him for the first time that if you eat all the candy in the candy bowl, it will make you FAT and make your teeth fall OUT! It was all on the table, spread naked for everyone to see. The room got deathly quiet. I could not even hear his or my own breathing. A few moments of silence stayed with us, then he asked me if he was going to die. I said NO. Parkinson’s does not kill a person. He asked me if he would have to live in a nursing home. I choked on my own dry words, as I told him it was a possibility that maybe sometime I would not be able to take care of him. Silence, long silence. We both sat and each of us picked our own corner of the room to stare at. Each going over the words that were spoken. He stood up and took himself along with his walker, and put his dirty dishes in the sink, and left the room. It was like someone had said, the bar is now closed. He walked to his bathroom, and he is now in his bedroom. All tears are vanished. The quietness remains throughout the house. I know in my heart, that somewhere in his mentally challenged mind, he is mauling over this new information. I wonder what he is thinking, or how he is feeling. I don’t want to walk in on him in such a private time in his life. The baby monitor will tell me if he needs me. Somehow through this mal-function of asking and answering question times, there is God standing right there in between the two of us. He is wrapping an arm around each of our shoulders. He is consoling us, breathing his love into our lungs. It is so strange and yet it isn’t. I have asked for his help haven’t I? He has been listening and watching and knows the perfect timing. He is consoling each of us, our broken hearts and spirits. Brother and sister, God holding us together.

45 thoughts on “The Time Is Now

  1. Oh, I am so sorry! Maybe, though, it is good that your brother knows what to expect and that there might come a day when he will not be able to stay at home with you. I think you did the right thing no matter what you were feeling at the time.Prayers and hugs.

    Like

  2. God’s timing is impeccable. Take comfort in the words of Psalm 62:

    1 Truly my soul finds rest in God;
    my salvation comes from him.
    2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I shall never be shaken.
    ___________
    ___________

    5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.
    6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken.
    7 My salvation and my honour depend on God[c];
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
    8 Trust in him at all times, you people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge.

    God Bless You and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you.

    Like

  3. I think you did the right thing, by answering his question and giving him the facts. He’s quiet because he is internalizing what you read to him, and maybe God will be able to work in his heart to understand better what is going on, and to let the Lord carry him. I think too, he will see the great love you have for him that you would be willing to care for him. Let him have his quiet and when he is ready, hug him, tell him you love him, and that you are there to help God make him a David to fight the Goliath called Parkinsons. This might be a blessing from God for both of you.

    Like

    • don’t feel sad, but as i read this not once but twice, my tears are now flowing. i just don’t know what i would do without god in my life. i always think i can do so much on my own, but i can’t. i know god was with me tonite when i explained all to my brother, and i think the tears are from your understanding what happened here at home. thank u

      Like

      • You need the release through tears and comfort as much as your brother does right now, so cry, because it is in those moment that the Holy Spirit utters the prayer of your heart at the throne of God, and God listens and acts on those prayers. I do understand, because that would have been me just a few years ago, when I took care of my father-in-law. I remember having to take him to the doctor and sitting in the room when he was diagnosed with both prostate cancer, and alzheimers, then coming home to tell my husband what the doctor said. My father-in-law was in denial about it, didn’t understand it, and my husband and I had to literally sit him down and explain to him what it all meant, not only the illnesses, but to his life. It was hard, but in some ways it made it a little easier. With Alzheimers though it is a repeat experience since their short term memory is affected by the illness. Sharing how you feel and what you are going through is going to help some, because you are not letting it eat at you. If you need an ear, I will be here. You will have my prayers too.

        Like

      • thank u for. as hours have passed, i do think it helped to write it out. i hope that i m not being too personal with my bloggers with my life and placing them in uncomfortable situations

        Like

  4. Lame Housewife expressed my exact sentiments. My heart goes out to you both…and I do know that God is with you. I know what you mean about not knowing how you would cope without Him through it all. I also believe 1 Cor. 10:13, that says he’s not going to give us more than we’re able to handle, but sometimes it sure feels like it’s so much more. God bless you Terry. (((((HUGS)))))

    Like

  5. I always liked this passage: Keep the confident assurance that something you want is going to happen. What you want is waiting for you, even though you cannot see it up ahead. (Hebrews 11:1)

    Like

  6. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed [be] God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

    Your openness about the trials you are facing are helping more people than you will ever know. What you are goinf through is not in vain. I’m praying.

    Like

      • Your honesty and openness is an encouragement to those who are facing similar difficulties and trials in their lives. They do not feel so alone. They are encouraged by your postings because they know that there are others who understand, to a certain degree, what they are going through.
        So please don’t assume that your postings result in discouragement for others… it is an ENCOURAGEMENT to many ! Lord bless.

        Like

  7. Terry, personal I think you did the right thing to tell him … even if he don’t understand everything – so for your own sake. You know my saying – that we are all happy in our own believes – and sometimes I think we are better off not knowing everything, but even if he became upset – I truly believe that it was good for you to talk about it with him.

    Like

    • i think u r right Viveka. we don’t need to know all. it would scare me to live if i did. i think at that moment, my brother was having so many questions, that he had been asking for some time, and it was time to tell him what i knew. i think it may have worked somewhat, although i know he has a lot to go over in his mind, but this morning, he has been quiet, like he is thinking. i wonder what he is thinking. i m not going to ask. i will wait and see if he talks about it. love your replies always

      Like

      • Terry, he probably understand bits … and it will take time for it to sink in – but you have done what you thought you have to do and that will help you.

        Like

  8. That was one of the hard decisions we sometimes have to make but it sounds like you were following the Spirit’s lead. We had to make that decision with my Dad when he had gotten so bad that he couldn’t swallow without it going to his lungs. Even though he was pretty deep into his dementia, he asked the hard questions, and we told him the truth. Blessings and Peace, Terry.

    Like

  9. It is truly tough to be in a position of both familial and caregiving support. It’s not easy, and can be downright exhausting. To avoid burnout, I hope you’re doing things for yourself as well? It’s easy to forget ourselves in this process, that we have no right to take care of ourselves, but the thing is we are only as good to others as we are to ourselves. I’m glad you know how supported you are in sharing your deepest and most honest with us. It makes us realize too, the same accountability we must hold with ourselves as well.

    God bless you, and may your strength be even bolder with prayers of well wishes around you,

    Pink.

    Like

  10. We know that you have a heavy load and we hope by writing it out that it helps you. We are here for you, just as we know you are here for us. My problems pale in comparison, but reading your words and the wonderful responses help me so much. Hugs and prayers.

    Like

  11. it does help me immensley as i have no other outlet. i didn’t start out writing stories for this reason, i wanted to entertain in some way. bring a smile to someone, but ended up going this route. i fear sometimes that i become boring to others because parkinsons is a daily mess at times mixed with a smile once in awhile. so many bloggers write about interesting things, and i just journal my every day life.i am glad that through all of this, i can reach out to even one, like you to also help. thank you for being a freind i can talk to

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.