Waiting For The Winds To Calm

Do you remember when you were a child and you had a toy, a spinner top toy? You would push down on the red handle and it would spin and spin. You would try to keep up with the pictures as they raced round and round. Your eyes would feel funny, and you would eventually roll back on to your back, with feet going up in the air, rubbing your eyes and laughing so hard? That top would entertain you for ever it seemed. When you become an adult, you don’t play with tops or toys anymore, but today, I am the top. I am spinning and spinning around and around. Dizziness fills my head, my eyes are heavy. Tiredness creeps all around me. One moment, I am pleading with God to help me stop this thing. This thing I do not recognize, and the next I am pulling with all of my strength to keep going on. It feels so heavy, and I just want to sleep for hours on end. I can go through the motions of a day-to-day schedule and not even realize I have finished my work. Today, is a great example of a fear that has come upon me. One of my favorite things to do or used to do, was going to public auctions. I loved the people there. A lot of them recognized me, as I had an antique business of my own at one time. Lots of chatter and bidding on things I could resale. My brother had been hinting for the past three days, that there was an auction today. There was going to be coca cola items in it. He really wanted to go. I thought about getting him to the car, the walker to the car, getting there, unloading him, and the walker, and instantly, I was tired. I just felt this huge matter floating inside of me. Not wanting to disappoint him, but not wanting to go. Me? Give up an auction! This was unreal. We went. He didn’t want my help walking him to a seat. He didn’t want anyone to notice his cane, so I let him go on his own, hoping and praying he would not fall. He swayed from side to side, but he made it to the seat. Three hours of sitting there. Not wanting to leave him alone, I didn’t do what I usually do, which is to walk around and check out everything, see if there were cracks or breaks, and decide what I would bid on it. I sat. The pieces being bid off one by one. I didn’t try to bid on anything. As I am sitting there letting it all slide by me, I knew this wasn’t me, but I couldn’t change it. It was like a force weighing me down. It made me angry that I was acting this way, but I felt too tired to fight it. His  coca cola items went too high, so we came home empty-handed. I sat down here at the computer and started to read some of my emails. My eyes are heavy, like I have had no sleep. A couple of bloggers offered me links for places I might acquire help. I immediately clicked on them, but for some reason, the town I live in has nothing to offer. This made me more tired. I went through a few more emails, but quit, choosing instead to get this out of my head by writing. I don’t feel stressed. My body is too tired to feel. I have called every program I can find. I have asked every person I could. The problem for me, is my brother is not on Medicaid. He is not eligible as of yet. So every single thing I do for him is out-of-pocket.  There are agencies, but very expensive. There is one adult day care here, but it is five hundred a week. I thought about one or two days, but they have only one client, which is female, and older than my brother by years. I think he would be miserable, lonely and bored, so I am not going to do this to him. I think of hiring a private person for day time hours, and then I back off, because I can’t afford to pay someone for regular hours each week. It would be nice for a couple of hours a week to get groceries, or  a hair cut, etc, but

Lowell Spinners

Lowell Spinners (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

when I place an ad, they don’t want a few hours a week, and this I understand. Yesterday, I prayed to God. I gave him all of my problems, concerns, worries, and hopes. I am sure that Satan is so totally angry with me now, that I talked to God more powerfully than I ever have. I am sure that Satan is helping me to have that dragged down, life is at a stand still feeling that I have today. I am grabbing a hold of the big birthday party I am giving my brother in early May. It is like a hope of doing something positive, and fun for him. I didn’t write this to get your pity. I wrote this so I could read it back and see how weak I am letting myself become. My last thoughts on this may somehow connect to how I feel right now. The trees with new leaves are blowing terribly outside from high winds. Swaying back and forth, branches going in all directions. The leaves, delicate and new, are clinging to life so they don’t fall to the ground. Both the baby leaves, any my tired soul are both waiting for the winds to calm.

22 thoughts on “Waiting For The Winds To Calm

  1. Terry, what it’s about you have become weak! We all have weak moments, but that doesn’t mean that we have become weak.
    And this about Satan – there is no Satan, he are man-made.


    • Viveka, To deny Satan’s existance is to deny the clear teachings of God’s Word. Please take a few moments to read 1 Peter 5:6-14. In these verses you will see the existance of Satan, his work on earth and how we can oppose Satan and his work. I pray the Lord will help you as you open up the Scriptures. Lord bless you.


      • Dearest Terry, it’s just the situation that tears on you … we can believe in what ever make us feel safe and protected, but we should believe in Satan and that our situation is up to him. Your brother are sick and you’re alone with the burden. Please, believe in yourself and your decisions. Follow your heart and common sense.


    • Terry, I totally agree with buckwheatsrisk…. it is during these times of weakness that we rely more heavily on the Lord… He is the One that will carry our burdens for us. All he asks is for us to bring our burdens to HIm… that is exactly what you have done. I’m praying for you.


      • that is so hard to feel trapped. i wish there was more help for people in your situation, there definitely needs to be that is for sure and covered by the government! you need a break!

        That is why i wasn’t sure of my response, I am sorry, you probably didn’t need scripture quoted at you. I am really sorry for that!
        i worked in the health care industry for a few years and it made me sad how little help people that so desperately needed could get! something has to change!


      • i can imagine. i so wish you could get a break to regroup and breathe. you sound so burned out.


  2. When we took care of my father-in-law, he was on medicare, and one of his doctor’s I think the neurologist set up visiting nurses for us who would come in during the day 2 or 3 times a week, bathe him, do physical therapy, check his vitals and just spend time with him, giving me a break from doing this day to day. It was covered through medicare. I know they cover it for Veterans through the VA, and I believe Medicaid would cover it too. You might talk to his specialist to see if there is a program like that which your brothers insurance would cover. Even if it gives you a break for a few hours a day, it might help you not to close off so much. You are just physically and emotionally drained right now, and I can read it in your words, because I got that way myself. Talk to his doctors, and see if they can set it up for you, or know who can set it up. I know it will help.


    • thank you so much. I will his neurologist tomorrow. i feel guilt because get weak from the care it takes along with his emotional battles each day. it makes me feel calmer knowing that you know that this is stress related


      • Oh, it is, and it will wear on your health as well, because you have to focus so much on caring for him. My husband saw what it did to me, even with the help, but I couldn’t have done it without the help from the visiting nurses. You need to have an outlet too.


  3. I’m so sorry that you have to do this on your own Terry. I hope you can find a way to get some respite. Fortunately, my sister took care of the financial matters which was a terrible headache at times. Keep us tuned as to how this plays out.


  4. Weak? Maybe, but I do not think so! Even if you do feel weak, you continue to do what you have to do for your brother. That is a strength I can not even fathom! I am worried that you are not using any of your innate strength to take care of yourself. Prayers for the two of you, always. Hugs!!!


    • i think i worry about me too Barb. what if i make myself sick? what then? i am trying so hard to take care of him. if he only wasn’t mentally challenged along with the Parkinsons. it may be easier for him to understand and make life a little more bearable here at home


      • I once got so bad with nerves that they were threatening to put me in the hospital to get me away from the stress in my life. I have since learned that I can only do what I can do and no more. I know that your brother only has you, but there has to be a way to get you some help! There are mental health organizations that could maybe point you in the right direction. Please remember that if you don’t take care of you, who will? Prayers and hugs.


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