I just wanted to say I am sorry. Earlier I got weak, and instead of going to God, I went straight for my feelings. I know better, and I don’t know why I didn’t fight harder. I have had many comments from my last story, Don’t Be Afraid, and I am so thankful for the support that you give me. The hours tick by and night has drawn near, and I have thought about what a poor example I showed in my story. Where is my faith? It is here, but for a moment I let it slip away. I don’t want anyone to be able to say that if this is what Christianity is all about, I will pass. A comment made by one of my friend bloggers was that people sometimes are afraid of the unknown. When I thought about it, she is right. I am used to the Parkinson’s. and all that it brings. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could fix it, but she was right. God will bring the right person to me, somehow, some way, he or she will come and I will have the help that I need. Thank you bloggers for waking me up. Thank you for caring and all the support you offer.
I don’t know how to say this gracefully, as a lady should. So here it goes, straight forward and up. My brother, who is an adult, with Parkinson’s and dementia, is sitting at the dinner table, eating his supper burping as loud as he can, then going to the opposite end, and letting outrageous blow out tire sounds! He is giggling over and over. When he is not doing this, he is mocking all of the newscasters, in a puppy dog voice. He then threw me off-balance by making a comment that dad always said, it’s a dog’s life? I immediately said to him, well I better put a cage around him, and put him inside of it tonight, as noisy as he is being. Oh my gosh, did that ever bring on the smiles and huge open laughter. Does this scare you? A middle age man acting like a child? Would you be afraid to be near him, when seeing such a display as he is presenting tonight? He is definitely not what people would classify as normal. I sit on this side of the fence, and look at him with love in my heart. I look at a man-child, who can giggle at things we have not giggled at for many years. He can be entertained tonight by an unknown name on the TV. He can sit here and carry on both sides of a conversation, entertaining himself. I can look at him with sadness and pity, when I see rude people stare at him or his cane. I just want to grab my hair sometimes and pull it while screaming, get the hell away from us you weirdos! He is not a freak, nor is he a leper. He has Parkinson’s, and dementia. He will not infect you, or cause you to be dirty if you touch him. This man used to love his job. If he had a tooth ache, he still went to work. He was lucky, no, I should say his place of employment was lucky. He never missed work unless mom forced him to stay home from being ill. Then I can remember he would stress all the day long on how they were doing without him. He has enjoyed holding a fishing pole in his hand, and with help has caught a fish. I have a picture on the wall of him holding his first fish, with a huge grin on his face. He has watched pigs have babies, and he has helped milk a cow. He has worked in a garden, and he knew how to pull weeds around the trees. I am sorry. I guess I am overly sensitive tonight. The ad for the paper was placed, and the phone did ring with interests. As soon as they found out he had Parkinson’s, dementia, heart problems, and is mentally challenged, I heard many excuses. I even heard one stranger say I could not offer enough money to pay her to sit with him. Tonight, the tables are turned. It is his giggles and big smiles, somewhere lost in his own time, and I am the one sitting here with huge tears running down my face. I have to get off of here. My brother is coming and I do not want him to see my sadness.
Terri nominated me for this wonderful award. She believes that I am inspiring to others. I often feel that my stories are sad. Although true to the word, sad. If I am inspiring others, it is through a connection you and I share with caring for others with mental illness, and physical illness. Thank you Terri for this heart felt award. Life is not all happy and giggles. Sometimes life is filled with grief, and despair. Disappointments and sorrows. Through our journey’s of life, unexpected tragedies and sorrow can once again bring us closer to God.
You all know by now who and what I am about.
I feel pain, when my children are hurting
If I receive an unknown phone number call, I answer it in a foreign voice
I love to watch my brother sneak into the cookie jar to grab a cookie, and turn around to see if I am watching, and if I am , he grins real big at me
I love orderliness. I often think God gives me these challenges to show me I can deal with a little mess
For my nominations I would love to tell you about
http://en.gravatar.com/bellybuttonblues for her compassion about life
http://onemoremorning.com/ she writes beautiful, heart felt poetry
http://justmyfaithtalking.wordpress.com/ she is so strong in her faith. it is an honor to read her blogs
These are just a few I would like to mention
Thank you again Terri
I love the morning. It represents to me more than just a new day. It is a time for me where there is peace surrounding all of me. My brother is still asleep, and the house is quiet. As I sit here sipping my hot coffee, I am reflecting on the activities of yesterday. We went to pick up my brother’s new wheel chair. He didn’t give anyone any bad words or negative looks. It seems to me that the deep conversation we had a couple of days ago, where I opened up to him and told the ugly truth about Parkinson’s, did more good than bad. When I have gone into his room to check on him, I find him often with his bible open, and reading it. This brings me great peace. More peace than anything else at this time in my life. It helps me to recognize a major factor, which is when the good lord takes him home, I have no doubt as to where he is going to rest. In God’s arms. I know this sounds childish and fairy tale like, but I have visions of God holding him, with both arms wrapped around him. Soothing him and commending him for being as strong and faithful through his journey of Parkinson’s and dementia. I see my brother in sharp detail. His tremors are gone. There is no more confusion. My brother is gazing into God’s eyes and smiling, a peaceful, loving smile. I see no more frustration in his eyes, or fear of what this ugly disease will bring to his life next. God sets him down, next to him, and the admiration for each other remains for all ways. This sounds like a fairy tale, doesn’t it? Maybe I have created it in my own mind because I want my brother to have peace. A peace he has never felt. With his father’s lack of compassion and understanding for having a child that is a special child, and the struggles he has endured through out his whole life, peace is the only word that matters to me today. I will not tip toe into his room to wonder why he is not awake yet. I can picture it though. He is sleeping sound, like a baby. The mind is at rest. No tears, no tremors. It is like looking down at the new crib holding your precious new-born. I realize that my brother is 56 years old, but he carries so many child like traits that it is easy for me to see him as my younger brother, who needs extra love and a giving hand. When there are handicaps that involve the brain, and the comprehension is not there for him, I often wonder why God has let him endure all of his emotional and physical
pain for so many years. I wonder why he didn’t take him home years ago. I do not have the answers. Maybe it was to help my brother and I to know each other better on a deeper level. Maybe it was for me a lesson to be learned. Maybe it was for me to know God even more intimately than before, using my brother as a vessel for teaching purposes. I do not know. What ever the reason being, God is a loving God, he is a good God. He is always helping us learn that there is no other path way but his. I thank you God from the bottom of my heart. For although, I do not understand your ways, I have to trust that you have him and me right where you have us for this day. It is time for me to get off of here. I hear stirrings coming from his room. In a few moments, I will be seeing him for the first time today. I hope that I see smiles, instead of tears, Lord. Let me ask you of this one small favor. Have mercy on his soul, and let him find one smile for today.