I Am Sorry


I just wanted to say I am sorry. Earlier I got weak, and instead of going to God, I went straight for my feelings. I know better, and I don’t know why I didn’t  fight harder. I have had many comments from my last story, Don’t Be Afraid, and I am so thankful for the support that you give me. The hours tick by and night has drawn near, and I have thought about what a poor example I showed in my story. Where is my faith? It is here, but for a moment I let it slip away. I don’t want anyone to be able to say that if this is what Christianity is all about, I will pass. A comment made by one of my friend bloggers was that people sometimes are afraid of the unknown. When I thought about it, she is right. I am used to the Parkinson’s. and all that it brings. It doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could fix it, but she was right. God will bring the right person to me, somehow, some way, he or she will come  and I will have the help that I need. Thank you bloggers for waking me up. Thank you for caring and all the support you offer.

40 thoughts on “I Am Sorry

  1. I think that posts like your last one don’t make you appear faithless…. Just maybe overwhelmed. I understand where you’re coming from. I work with adults with disabilities. I see the looks others give them. People either fall in love with them like I have, or look at them like their eyes are melting off their face. Its so hard. I want to shake these people and tell them what they’re missing out on. Yes, it isn’t always easy, but it’s beyond worth it. Someone amazing will come to help. I know it.

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    • Thank you Princess. I have also worked with disabilities also, and so I know what you are talking about with the looks. I love my brother, and this has become so personal, unlike caring for others as my job. Now, I stand by and watch my sibling suffer, and realize I can do nothing, but love him. A helper will not only do me a world of good, but I think he will appreciate a different face than mine

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  2. I don’t think you need to apologize at all. You were being real about how you feel. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have faith. Allow yourself the privilege of feeling what you feel. Yeah…if you let your feelings control you, that becomes a bad thing. But just feeling them and expressing them isn’t at all! It actually is helpful to get them out and then be able after that to do what you’re doing right now…taking a breath and knowing it will all be okay. 🙂 xoxo –Anne

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    • Thank you Anne. I am stronger once again than I was earlier. I think I was just upset that people back away from Parkinsons, but it is ok, someone out there will step forward. I have to keep strong. If I am weak, my brother will sense this. You are right Anne. I can not let feelings over take me. I think from what you are saying it is healthy to let it out, or else I could become someone other than myself

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  3. I really love the “sense of community” that is found in the blogosphere. It radiates when people like Princess & Anne (and your other faithful readers/followers) take the time to “listen” & share.

    I was just reading some posts today about people who have left their home churches b/c they didn’t feel a genuine sense of community with those they went to church with. While I don’t advocate that response, I do understand it. Part of fellowship is the NEED to have a group of people with whom you can just be REAL. “Real people” struggle…even real Christians. And in that struggle, we lose sight of faith, love, peace, kindness, gentleness, joy, self-control, etc….but in “Christian Community” we should have the freedom to share these struggles & find the support to refocus.

    I’m glad you wrote both of these posts!

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    • thank you. by what you have just spoke to me, i feel more human now, if this makes sense. i try so hard to be good and strong and more so for my brother with his illness, but i get tired, and Satan takes advantage of this. thank you for making me feel better about myself

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  4. I didn’t assume you were faithless at all! Tired… Yes! Disappointed and hurt… Yes! But not faithless! I only know you from here, but you seem like such a precious lady FULL of God!! And extremely strong to walk in the shoes you do everyday! Yes! God is faithful and He will bring you the help you need for sure!! Someone who is loving and compassionate and also full of God!

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    • now that i have read your comment and a few others stating i didn’t lose my faith, that i am just tired, i think u r all right. it does get overwhelming watching my brother suffer. i so need some time to myself. i continue to pray god will send me relieft. thank you so much for your kind words Wise

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    • I think I am just tired and exhausted. It must be catching up with me, and a little disappointed that the right person has still not come along to help me with my brother. Thank you for reminding me it is ok to get tired. you have become a very good friend to me, even if it is only through a blog site………..thank YOU

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      • I know, I feel the same. All of my BEST friends, the ones that really care, live in my computer. 🙂 I know you are a very real person, not meaning to insult, but I have never felt cared about like I do here among my blogger buddies. I will pray that the right person does come along. Yes, I think you are exhausted, understandably so! And you have every right to acknowledge that without feeling guilty about it. You are human with needs too. Bless you Terry. XO XO

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  5. No need to apologize! I think you’re strong for writing what you feel btw. Takes a lot of courage to be transparent – it’s something I need to be better at. Going straight for your feelings? Hey, welcome to my world 🙂 I have to constantly remind myself to look up instead of looking any other direction. Keep praying, keep writing, and keep believing. Blessings to you!

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    • i hate it when i get tired or fear my brother will get worse. i question my faith at times. i question why god doesn’t fix all of his problems. i get weak and then i come back. i get weak and want to sleep this sorrow away for even just a moment. it is so hard watching him disappear from me. it is so hard. god is the only one who can carry my heavy burdens, and i need to keep remembering this thank u Brian for your wonderful words

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  6. You are such a blessing and your honesty and being real is precious. Thinking of you, believing and praying with you too! God bless you and tenderly care for you and yours!

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  7. I agree 100% with everything that people have written to you here. I don’t think you would find a single person on this planet who wouldn’t feel overwhelmed if they were in your shoes. You are human and with it comes the entire range of emotions. Some days are harder than others. It’s ok to vent. It’s ok to feel emotionally exhausted and mentally drained. I love you and will include you in my prayers.

    Hugs,

    Sara

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  8. I agree with Anne (@Anne Sikes) and many others: you have nothing to apologize for. If anything, your post will inspire others who are in similar situations and feel utterly isolated. Just knowing that you’re not alone can be a real gift sometimes and, by sharing your thoughts and feelings, it’s one that you may not even recognize that you’re giving.

    “Allow yourself the privilege of feeling what you feel….It actually is helpful to get [your feelings] out and then be able after that to do what you’re doing right now…taking a breath and knowing it will all be okay.” (@Anne Sikes)

    You shouldn’t judge yourself harshly for feeling exhausted, upset, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or any other way! You are being incredibly strong and brave in the face of a very difficult situation. But BEING strong and brave doesn’t mean that you don’t sometimes FEEL weak or overwhelmed. Your brother is so fortunate to have you.

    And your blog is a great place to vent your feelings in a non-destructive way. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You are doing great things for your brother and you inspire so many of us with your openness and honesty.

    Jennie Lynn

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    • i feel from reading your input, that i have permission to feel….this may sound silly to others, but i always try to be the strong one. i feel like i must have strength of superman so that i can carry my brother’s feelings and emotions. thank you for this reply. i need to give myself the green light, to feel everything with no guilt

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  9. Wow, such short and sweet words. And we really ARE alike as I do this to. Run to my feelings before I turn to God. And afraid of the unknown. Who? Me! Me! May God guide us with love, and open hearts. Ameen.

    Pink.

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      • HAHA.. it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Our strengths easily become our weaknesses too when it’s too high (as according to Career Personality Tests). So it’s normal that our empathetic nature to feel for others, also means our feelings can cloud our hearing at times. So nice to know I’m not alone! 😀

        Pink.

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  10. This is such a beautiful and moving sharing. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. And bless you for what you do and the joy with which you do it, as well as the honesty with which you recognize how painful and almost-too-much it is for you.

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    • Thank you Mona. I am so happy that you understand the words I write. It is difficult for me to swallow, when some think I should place him in a facility. I may have to in time, but I know, when I care for him, he has all that he needs and is not neglected. Thank you again

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  11. Questionning faith is part of being faithful-sometimes we don’like the answers but we always go back to our faith. Terry you have not lost faith you are simply human and you get tired. God knows your true faith even at your weak points. Nobody in this blogging community questions your faith! You are strong! Remember it is easy to love God when life is good.

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    • thank you for these supporting words. sometimes when i am so busy with the care of Al, I take for granted my own feelings, and then boom, out of nowhere, i have yet another test. i do love god truly, innocently, and fully. i am not perfect, and although i know this, i feel so bad when i disappoint god. it is like being talked to by your parents when you are wrong, when you were caught with your hand in the cookie jar. parents forgave me, so God will also. thank u mom!

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