I have read so many comments from my stories letting me know that I do not need to apologize for my feelings. I always have felt that I must carry extra strength, be a super human, carrying his burdens and also mine. Hiding my feelings from all, except here with my blogging, where I let my inner soul be found by you. I am a stubborn person, fighting for what I believe, hard to change. Well, this is what my mom always said about me. I haven’t decided if this is correct thinking or not. I do know that I have one good quality given to me from God as a small token of his love for me. I can see the small things in life. I will notice and thank God for my brother for the days that he has not cried for one hour. I thank God for allowing my brother to take his naps, where he can escape from all of his health issues. I have to stop here for a moment and add one comment from me. I have been writing for six weeks now. I refer my brother to all of you as my brother. I have found that with looking back from the beginning blog to present, I have opened up all of my doors for you to walk in and observe, so I am now going to start referring to my brother as Al. There I said it. Back to my journey of today. This morning when Al was talking about the devil sitting on his shoulders, I feared for him and for me. I have always made comments about people who are in the process of death. I have always said so many know that their time is near. I feel that I have jinxed myself. Today, standing in front of me Al is talking about this. With Parkinson’s leaving the fourth stage and entering into the fifth and final stage, there are some signals or signs to help you adjust to each new stage. The pains come less and less. Tears remain. Tremors let up. When Al told me some of his pains were gone, I went into panic mode. I am now past this, but when he talked about dying, panic went from 0 to 5. God granted me another small miracle today. It means nothing to the world. It involves no changes to anyone’s lives, but ours. I have found a caregiver! I am thanking God still for this gift. I had calls that were not the right calls. I had an interview scheduled for 11am, today, and it was a no-show, not even a sorry I can’t make it phone call. Al was saying soon after, that no one wanted to be around him anymore. Right after this comment, the phone rang. It was someone inquiring about the job. We talked a little, and I decided I wanted to meet her. Although it was only an hour away from Al’s nap, she wanted to meet him, so she came right out. She is what I wish I looked like. Tiny. She is 35. Her father is a minister. She takes care of her brother who also has Parkinson’s. She wanted this job, not so much for the monies, but so that she could learn from Al and me for future times with her own brother. He had just been recently diagnosed. Al was eating when she arrived, so she and I talked, and I learned much about her. She was an open book herself, and I liked this. She brought two references with her and I appreciated this. After all, she was caring for my diamond. I needed to trust a stranger. After Al finished eating he came over and sat down she then and concentrated on him, asking him questions about likes and wants in life. He opened up to her fairly easy. He got to the point of his worry for today, the devil. I watched both of them, as he talked about his feelings, and she listened. I saw a softness in Al’s voice as he was talking to a stranger, like he had nothing to lose. I saw her eyes water as she continued to sit still and listen to his heart open up. Before long, she and I both had tears. He asked her why Satan was sitting on his shoulder. From what he has said, Satan is still continuing to sit there not moving. Audrey, the new caregiver, told him it was alright to feel these feelings, that God was right here with him, that together, we all would help him through this. You may disagree with me, but I didn’t call her references. I felt comfortable with her. I want , no I need to trust, that Audrey was sent here for Al and me by God. She will start coming once a week for one day about four or five hours. She will also help on special occasions where Al really wants to attend some place of interest. I am so thankful for this small miracle. Thank you God. You never fail me.
Yesterday, my brother was very quiet all days. The only motions that you saw from him was his active tremors. I didn’t see tears, there was no swearing. Last night, there was a little more of what I am used to seeing. He asked the weather man on TV why he had to keep repeating the forecast, and then he would answer the question for them. He is getting pretty good at carrying on two-sided conversations. Most of the times that I went to his room to check on him, he was reading the Bible. Or her was lying on his bed, watching his TV. All in all it was a pretty good day. He gets up this morning and he is still fairly mellow. He eats his pancakes for breakfast, and says very little. The caregiver comes to give him his shower, and instead of becoming very chatty, he has not spoken one word. We, three always spend a few moments prior to the shower, catching up on what has been happening since the last time she was here. My brother always has plenty to say. I did find this kind of odd, the quietness. As always, she says to him that it is time to go get the shower and she helps him up off of the couch. He is standing up, hanging on to his cane, knees buckled, and with a calm face, he says, He is sitting right here. I said who is sitting there? Where? He points to his shoulder and says Satan. Satan is sitting right here on my shoulder, this shoulder here. He points to his shoulder. Next out of his mouth, explains all the quietness yesterday. He says to me, Satan has been talking to me. I am frozen in my seat. I am not sure I am breathing, it is so shallow. I didn’t say a word, looking into his eyes. He said the most soul grabbing comment to me. I had never heard a human talk like this before. He said, Satan has been telling me he is almost finished with me. He has almost completed his job. My eyes bugged out of my head. My jaw dropped. Tears came from out of nowhere. The caregiver, bounced her eyes from him to me. Somebody say something! Silence the silence! I said, the only thing I could possibly think of. The only thing I knew to be true. I told him, you have been spending a lot of time reading your Bible and a lot of time praying. Satan is mad at you and he is just letting you know that he doesn’t like it that you want to be with God more than him. I said, remember when we were kids, and I had something that you wanted? You would cry and tell mom that it was your turn to play with the toy? His head went in the direction of the floor, and his knees buckled, and I saw tears actually falling to the floor. He shook his head remembering back to us kids sharing our toys. I told him this is the same thing. Satan wants you to be with him more than he wants you to be with God. Before I could add any other stupid comments, that were coming from out of no where land, he looks up at me, and says, it is almost over. I asked in the softest whisper I have ever heard come out of my mouth, what is almost over? He looked me straight in the eye, with tears still dripping and legs shaking. Satan said I am going to die. When I read my Bible, God tells me my pains are going to leave soon. Getting these words out of his mouth, were so hard for him, that he falls back in to the couch. We all sit in silence. Each of us in our own minds, letting this information sink, but it won’t sink. It is spinning and spinning never touching solid mass. The unspoken thoughts, and fears that remain in my head have been said out loud by him. No one is speaking. It seemed like hours but only minutes, then a hush was heard from with in these walls. He says, I don’t have much time left.