I have no idea why I am even writing this and I doubt it will be very long. I was very fortunate tonight as my son and his family came down and helped me with beginning preparations for Al’s birthday party. Getting some of the things out-of-the-way now, will ease the stress for Saturday. We ordered pizza for supper and all sat outside and ate. There was something different though. I can not put my finger on it. The conversation was very nice, watching the little ones run and play was a joy. Al came out only to eat and returned to his room. The anger towards me has finally left, but he does nothing anymore but read his bible. How do I explain this? It is scaring me. He is reading it so much I fear something is about to happen and the only one who knows about it is Al. All have left now, and Al is in his room for ten more minutes until he pokes out here to eat his snack and take his medications for the night. I have my some of my relaxing music on from my WordPress blog, music calms the soul. It is nice listening to. I all of a sudden feel very tired after today. My heart is aching terribly, and I don’t even understand why. My legs feel heavy, and my fingers are shaking. Tears are falling as I am sitting here writing this. It is not normal for me to cry. I have not cried since my father died four and a half years ago. I have no idea why I am crying my dear friends, but they will not stop. I can no longer see good enough to type. I am stopping at this point, praying for a better day.

Tears of a Clown

Tears of a Clown (Photo credit: daybeezho)

I Am Exhausted Right Now

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba – Navy Cmdr. George Sello...

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba – Navy Cmdr. George Sellock, a dentist deployed with Joint Task Force Guantanamo’s Joint Troop Clinic, performs dental work on a Trooper’s tooth, May 13, 2009. The JTC is a first line aid station for JTF Guantanamo Troopers. (JTF Guantanamo photo by Army Spc. Cody Black) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t know how to look at this. I have two choices. I can look at this as, God gave me a rest, so I can have strength to handle more problems, or I can look at this as so much for the peace, because it is gone. I will let you decide, and respond to this. As I said earlier, my brother, Al, is determined to have his ice pick back. He is still grumbling today, after over fourteen hours has passed. I have that problem I am dealing with, trying to stay calm, and pretty much ignore his pleadings. I have told him the answer prior, and do not wish to debate any longer. I had taken him to a local dentist three weeks ago, and had teeth pain checked out. The sloppy care given by the office caused us to have to go somewhere else to have this matter attended to. I don’t mean to be rude to anyone, but I seriously believe that there are some professionals that look at disabled adults, as someone they can pass off as a stray dog walking by their window. The utmost care and gentle talk is sometimes not present, and these special patients are talked about  in front of them as if they are not sitting there, or maybe thinking they are tone-deaf, because they are mentally challenged. Today finally arrived. I am excited for Al, not because I am going to take him to a dentist, but we are going to be able to get a consult done and an appointment made for the extraction of these teeth. When we arrived at the office, we were on time, and they were late. It was evidently their lunch break and they went a little over, leaving us to stand in the drizzle or try to walk Alvin back to the car. It was a short wait, so I said nothing. She let us in. She took our paper work that had been sent to us by mail to fill out ahead of time, so as to save them time and money? She asked for his insurance card, although it stated very clearly, that there was no insurance, because he is on medicare. I said, he has no insurance, this is private pay.  She commented that this would be costly. I almost laughed, because I knew that going to a dentist is not pocket change. We sat down, along with two others that walked in behind us, all with the same appointment times. Yes, this is definitely saving someone time and money! The tech calls in the other two that had followed us in, leaving us last to be called. Alrighty then! They proceeded to give him a full mouth x-ray, in which you have to stand during the process. She kept telling Al to stand still, and bite on the black plastic, and keep you chin rested on the chin guard. Picture a weak man, with severe tremors doing this outlandish request! She tried so hard to get this accomplished. I tried just as hard to keep my big mouth shut. Finally, I could take no more. I said, have you read his files? She said that she had read where the other dentist wanted him to have this test done. I said, it isn’t going to happen. There is a difference between wanting and happening. She looks at me like I am stupid, the duh look. I said look at his legs, they are buckling under him. He can not stand any length of time. She insists that they need this test. I said, he can’t bite down on the black clip, because his mentality won’t let him do it. He will bite it then let go, which is what he did over and over. I finally got more steamed, as she continued this farce! I said, you are going to have a bigger problem on your hand, than you have now, if he falls to the ground, and the chin guard and plastic piece cause him to hurt his neck or head as he is falling. You have to realize that this battle of getting him to stand and stand still was now going on for twenty minutes. I think if she looked at me straight on, she would see the steam coming from my nostrils and ears. She finally gave up and went and talked with another tech. I could hear her telling the other person, that she didn’t know how to deal with this, and she needed help. Well, good for her, at least she admitted she could not do this, and she needed help. The other tech opened a closet door and pulled out a wheelchair. They got Al in it and started the whole process over again. While getting him adjusted exactly right, the machine that she lifts and lowers for adjustment, hits him in the knee, with his finger on his knee it pinches slightly. She then raises it quickly  to get it off of him, and it goes high enough to knock him in the chin. I am speechless by now, wondering where this tech got her schooling. After several times of still telling him to sit still, the test is taken and complete. She wheels him then into the room where he is to wait for the dentist, asking me if he needs help to get out of the wheelchair. I said, you are standing right there beside him, you can help him. She does this and leaves us to wait and out the door she goes. We were probably the talk of the social office, but I don’t care. I am not going to let anyone treat Al with less than dignity. The dentist comes in and tells us that the prior dentist wants him sedated and that three teeth are to come out, one on top and two on the bottom, all on the same side, and that by taking this brand new x-ray, if it showed any more bad teeth, the prior dentist wanted this dentist to remove them. I said, let’s talk about this a moment. I tell him Al has no dental insurance, and we will take out the three teeth that we are definitely aware of that are causing him pain, but we are not going to do anymore at this time, because he has no insurance and this is going to be expensive. I hate to put a dollar on his mouth, but I have to. He said, your choice. He never did say that he saw any other bad teeth besides the three that we knew about from the other dentist, so I am going to assume there weren’t any others.  He lets us go and we go out to receptionist to schedule his appointment for extraction. She schedules it for two weeks away. I asked her if she has ever had a sore tooth. She said yes, and explains about the painful ordeal. I told her that because of the failure of the prior dentist not taking x-rays, it caused a week’s delay there, and then realizing the prior dentist didn’t want to take out more than one tooth at a time, it caused two more weeks delay getting to this new appointment here, and now you want to wait two more weeks. How do you think Al is feeling with this continued pain? She said nothing, and changed the appointment to next Tuesday, May 8th. All the time we spent there, Al was shaking like a dog shaking water off. His tremors were so bad because of nerves. He had been crying the whole time, from just the instructions he had been given over and over. His mind can not keep up and comprehend so much in so little time given. He became confused over how many teeth had to be pulled, thinking the dentist said four, instead of three. He was a mess, a big shaking, crying mess. She thanks us for coming and hands me the appointment card and says by the way, this will cost $1137.00!  We will need half when he arrives next week, since he has no insurance. She and I smile at each other and I bid her a good afternoon. She then turns back to her work she was doing. We left with our appointment, and he cried all the way home. He kept telling me he didn’t understand why he had to go back next week, and why he had to go without food and water after midnight before his extraction. I could not settle him down no matter what I said, and I had to concentrate on my driving to keep us safe, but I could not get home fast enough. He went straight to his room, and shut his door most of the way, signalling to me he was going to take his nap. Through the baby monitor out here I could hear his constant grumble. Now more time has passed  and all is quiet. For now, he does not have to think about what is to come.

only two more days to be able to wish brother a happy birthday. thanks to all who have already done so

Who I am

May 3rd, is my brother’s birthday. To me this is a very special birthday, as he is not feeling that well any longer. His Parkinson’s and Dementia have slowed down his life quite a bit. I am no longer sure if he will be with me next year here at home or not. For this reason, I have made a special Facebook page dedicated just to him. I am going to print it off after his birthday is over so that he can keep it and read all the birthday wishes from so many loved ones. I want him to be able to look at it when he is feeling sickly and realize people care. Won’t you please help me by stopping by at the link I am providing and wish him a Happy 57? Just call him Al. Here is the link


This will mean more to…

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God Gives Us Strength To Carry Through Each Day

A standard ice pick

A standard ice pick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday, was a much-needed day for me. I didn’t realize how beneficial a few hours to myself would be for me. Although I was busy the entire time, it was just me, I had to be concerned with. The complete day was a day of happy thoughts, and peaceful conversations. I had been renewed, ready to tackle any problems that may occur at a later time. Al is still acting different from he usually does. In good ways mainly. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that he is more distant now from people. It is not like a depression. It is more like a feeling he doesn’t need people near him. He is spending much more time in his room, reading the bible and watching TV. I see the TV on less and him reading more, so this is a good thing, right? There was a time frame when I first started caring for him, when we began to live in the same house, that we each needed to get to know each other in ways we did not know before. There was stubbornness on both sides of wanting things to remain the way they were  when we were both leading individual lives. He had or still has, but under control now, issues with the ladies. I have always wondered why there is a part of the brain that still works quite well, while the other part that connects to a main thought is dead. Al has never been in a real relationship with the opposite sex. There was a time when he lived in a group home, that was more on an independent level. Only being checked on once a day by a staff member. Al found a new friend that was part of the services, living in another home near by. She and Al had more than one thing in common. They were both mentally challenged, and they both wanted to explore their human natures with sex. I don’t know how long this relationship had been going on, but one time our mother went to visit, and found the two watching a  porn movie. Mom was not happy. Her unhappiness was so powerful, that she took him immediately out of their services and returned  him to their  home. This was as close as he ever came to being in a normal relationship. Ever since that time, the natural urges remained, and because the humans would not let this be fulfilled, he would turn to VCR tapes, and magazines, and any kind of catalog that would show a female with any skin showing. When I started caring for him, we butted heads many times. My understanding of what he wasn’t able to complete in  human relationships would cross with what he might do against the laws of the state. I didn’t mind if he had a magazine in his room and I told him what he did behind closed doors was his own personal business. The problems were obsession though. He was not content with one magazine, he would have hundreds, if he didn’t have the money to purchase them, he found other ways to borrow them. He was even thrown out of one bookstore, because he spent too many hours standing and going through all the pictures.   He has needs,  and I do understand  but I can not fix this. The responsibilities of becoming sexual, is something he has no knowledge of, and so it is my job to keep him safe. There were many times when arguments would arise over his need to have power of control in our house. He had things in his room that I considered weapons. His collection of coca cola brought into his room, a variety of everything, including ice picks with the logo on them. One time when he was wanting to visit the store that kicked him out, I had to say no. He didn’t like it so he took one of his several ice picks and stabbed his chair he was sitting in. It was my first view of the frustrations he held, but I had to protect him by not allowing him to go to this store. After all was calm, I went through his room and collected all weapons, I thought could harm him or me, and I placed them in a secret spot in my bedroom, safe from anyone’s view. Last night, after a very relaxing day, God was wanting to know if I was ready to deal with all that came in my path. Had I been truly refreshed and ready to continue on with caring for Al?  I thought I was, and discovered I am. Out of the blue, as the last check of the night, I walked in to see how he was doing. He had his bible open and out of his mouth, the words came, I want my ice picks back.  God had allowed me to be renewed, so as he made his very firm statement, I said, I am sorry, but I can not give them back to you. He questioned why, and I said, I do not want you to be holding them and your tremors act up and you accidentally hurt yourself. He was not satisfied with this and continued on for another hour about how they were his and he wanted them. I would normally try to make him understand my reasoning, proving my defense reasons, but tonight, I ignored him. I told him once no. I  had explained why, and I was not going to bed with  an over load mode of mind. I remained calm, while he continued to rant. I gave him his medications at bedtime. He stared me down the entire time he was eating his snack and taking his meds. He went back to his room, I continued on my computer. No words were spoken. Soon his light turned out, and I peeked inside, and he was asleep. God had provided me this break so I could continue my journey.