Heart Felt Love


English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After my blow out of emotions earlier today, and writing my new stories, I did something I never do, I turned the computer off. I wanted to shut the whole world out and just try to sort out my feelings. Al had finally fallen asleep on the couch, and so I took the other couch to lie down on and think of what I can do next to help this situation. Before, I knew it, my spent tears landed me in sleep land. When I awoke, Al was up. There was no emotion coming from him. I believe it was the last of the sedative wearing off. He did say he was hungry though, and I always look at this as a plus sign. If you are feeling hungry, you are feeling better. I got up and got him a bowl of ice-cream. He ate it very slowly, but finished every drop. I sat back down and tried to go back to what I was trying to do earlier, before falling asleep, which was think of what I needed to do next, but my mind was still dazed. I thought about Al’s foot and what the dentist had said. The spot on Al’s foot is not a good sign. He needs to be checked. I know a dentist is a doctor, but they know teeth, not circulation as well as other doctors. I called the primary care doctor and explained the cold foot, the dark gray toenail, and the soft pulse. They want to see him tomorrow afternoon, so I am going with my gut instinct, and taking him in, and not waiting until next week like the dentist suggested. If it is what I suspect, there is nothing I can do, but work harder at memorizing every facial feature, every word out of his mouth, hanging on to these memories as tight as I can. If it is not that, and something else, than that is less worry for me by a whole week. Al and I watched some stupid television programs, based on entertaining you if you have no brain and time went on by. There was no organized supper tonight, as I wasn’t going to sit and eat supper in front of him, and have to explain to him why he didn’t get any, so he ate more ice-cream, and then later on I fixed him his first soft meal, scrambled eggs with cherry jello. I could tell by the way he ate, that he was very hungry. I don’t want him to lose anymore weight. Finding out this morning that he has lost another 11 pounds is something I don’t want to continue, so eat Al, eat! I fixed myself the same meal so he didn’t feel left out. I finally turned the computer back on, wondering if I was going to see any more cut remarks. I know that I am emotional, and maybe too emotional. When I love, I love, giving all of me, and when I am hurt, all of me hurts. I was blown away at all the comments I had waiting for me. I have so many wonderful friends on here. I have always thought if we all only knew each other in person, but that is a dream, but after reading everyone’s comments, I have learned that you all are truly friends to me. You don’t have to live in my back yard to have a connection. I want to thank BIRD for scolding me. She may not have thought of it as this, but I did. It was a wake-up kind of scolding. She was telling me it is alright to be myself, that I don’t need to pretend to be any other than who I am. As I went down through the list of comments, the tears did fall, but not from pain, but from joy, knowing God has answered yet another prayer. I am not alone. It is alright that mom and dad are not here, you are. I needed to be talked to like this in order to understand that what I was thinking was wrong. I can say this and not even feel ashamed that you will take it in any other way, that I love you all. I love you for accepting me for who I am, for the type of writing that I write, for sometimes repeating myself, as my days seem to go the same each day for a while. I will be weak at times, tired at others, but it is alright. Thank you, everyone. You are truly a blessing and part of an answered prayer.

I Need..

I have gotten to comfortable in spilling my guts to all of you, and I need to back off, and keep some to myself. I am sorry for whining and crying in  my last blog, Please Stop,Please. People are tired of reading my stories of where I feel hopeless. I will try to be stronger. Please forgive my behaviors. I let my weakness show, and I was not brought up to act this way. I feel foolish. Pretty soon I will be worse off than my brother. There is much to be thankful for, and I better start getting tougher. I  have to deal with this that I am given, and that is that. I am sorry.

Please Stop, Please!

This morning I had to take Al into the primary care physician’s office, so he could have his lab work done for refills on his medications. This was at nine am. He was not allowed to have any food or drink after midnight. Usually, after this is done, we go to his favorite restaurant and have breakfast, but we could not do this today. We came back home and waited an hour. While he was watching TV, I sneaked into the kitchen and had a few bites of easy food, as I didn’t want him to see me eating, knowing he could not eat yet. He had an appointment with the oral surgeon to be sedated and have three teeth pulled. He did alright with his lab work. He even did alright on the trip to the dentist. We heard his name called and we both went back to the special sedating room. They checked his blood pressure and I heard them say several times they could not get a reading. I already knew this from past visits to doctors. His tremors won’t allow the blood pressure to be taken right away. We have to wait until the tremors rest, which is at their discretion. The pre-surgury testings went alright, and then they asked me to leave. The procedure of putting him to sleep was started and the teeth were pulled. In no time at all, they called my name, and I went back to where he was. I heard them talking about his foot, and they spoke of their concerns. I walked in on the conversation, and asked them what they were speaking of. They showed me his one toe where the nail was half gray. They told me that he barely had a pulse in his foot, and his complete foot was cold. Now I am no doctor, but being in the medical field for over twenty years, I knew what they were talking about. They told me I needed to make an appointment with his doctor to have this checked out. I told them he has an upcoming appointment for lab checks next Tuesday. Should I make another one sooner? They said we could wait until the set appointment. I can not force myself to say aloud, let alone, write the fears that I had at that moment, and I am still thinking on them now. I guess I have to leave you to your own conclusions to this. The nurses had great problems getting him out of the dental chair, as I knew they would. With his weakness from his Parkinson’s and the sedation still lingering, his feet would not move. This started a whole new ball game of wild tears and swearing. He could not understand why his feet stood firmly in place. With much patience they finally placed him in a wheel chair. At first, they wanted me to get his cane out of the car for him to walk. I am not sure what I said, but I do remember basically telling them they were crazy if they thought he could walk with the help of his cane. They rolled him out to the car and it took three of us to sit him properly in his seat. Then all of a sudden his memory came back to the primary care doctor’s office. They had weighed him and since March he has lost eleven pounds. He is worried because he knows this is because he is dying. The nurses left me to attend to this matter, as I am sure they have no experience in actual life and death situations. We go home, Al crying constantly, and gauze hanging out of his mouth, instead of staying in tact inside. I got ahold of my family and told them we were almost home, and they helped me get him inside the house and we laid him down on the couch. This is not a good time for him or for me. He is totally confused, and screaming at me that they took the wrong teeth out. He is trying to put his fingers in his mouth. I tell him not to do this, as he has stitches, but he is not listening to me at all. He is sobbing. I think that I have never seen so much sobbing. He is telling me I don’t care over and over. I keep telling him I do care, and if he could just try to relax and nap some, he will feel much better when he awakes. He is hitting himself from frustration and tightening his fist. He just is totally confused. At this point, I am confused. I feel like a dumb old woman who has thought all this time, that I can handle any situation in life that is dealt to me. I can not get him to quit crying, nor can I get him to stop screaming and swearing. I am still confused from the conversation I over heard and the sight that I saw on his one foot. I know too much and yet I know too little. I am at my wit’s end, and inside I am now screaming at God to take him home. Make his suffering stop right now. I don’t want to hear anymore reasonings on why he is still here, or maybe God is teaching me something through Al’  pain. I don’t want to hear anymore! I want this pain to stop for the two of us. Please, Al, slow down the breathing, and take a nap.