Please Stop, Please!


This morning I had to take Al into the primary care physician’s office, so he could have his lab work done for refills on his medications. This was at nine am. He was not allowed to have any food or drink after midnight. Usually, after this is done, we go to his favorite restaurant and have breakfast, but we could not do this today. We came back home and waited an hour. While he was watching TV, I sneaked into the kitchen and had a few bites of easy food, as I didn’t want him to see me eating, knowing he could not eat yet. He had an appointment with the oral surgeon to be sedated and have three teeth pulled. He did alright with his lab work. He even did alright on the trip to the dentist. We heard his name called and we both went back to the special sedating room. They checked his blood pressure and I heard them say several times they could not get a reading. I already knew this from past visits to doctors. His tremors won’t allow the blood pressure to be taken right away. We have to wait until the tremors rest, which is at their discretion. The pre-surgury testings went alright, and then they asked me to leave. The procedure of putting him to sleep was started and the teeth were pulled. In no time at all, they called my name, and I went back to where he was. I heard them talking about his foot, and they spoke of their concerns. I walked in on the conversation, and asked them what they were speaking of. They showed me his one toe where the nail was half gray. They told me that he barely had a pulse in his foot, and his complete foot was cold. Now I am no doctor, but being in the medical field for over twenty years, I knew what they were talking about. They told me I needed to make an appointment with his doctor to have this checked out. I told them he has an upcoming appointment for lab checks next Tuesday. Should I make another one sooner? They said we could wait until the set appointment. I can not force myself to say aloud, let alone, write the fears that I had at that moment, and I am still thinking on them now. I guess I have to leave you to your own conclusions to this. The nurses had great problems getting him out of the dental chair, as I knew they would. With his weakness from his Parkinson’s and the sedation still lingering, his feet would not move. This started a whole new ball game of wild tears and swearing. He could not understand why his feet stood firmly in place. With much patience they finally placed him in a wheel chair. At first, they wanted me to get his cane out of the car for him to walk. I am not sure what I said, but I do remember basically telling them they were crazy if they thought he could walk with the help of his cane. They rolled him out to the car and it took three of us to sit him properly in his seat. Then all of a sudden his memory came back to the primary care doctor’s office. They had weighed him and since March he has lost eleven pounds. He is worried because he knows this is because he is dying. The nurses left me to attend to this matter, as I am sure they have no experience in actual life and death situations. We go home, Al crying constantly, and gauze hanging out of his mouth, instead of staying in tact inside. I got ahold of my family and told them we were almost home, and they helped me get him inside the house and we laid him down on the couch. This is not a good time for him or for me. He is totally confused, and screaming at me that they took the wrong teeth out. He is trying to put his fingers in his mouth. I tell him not to do this, as he has stitches, but he is not listening to me at all. He is sobbing. I think that I have never seen so much sobbing. He is telling me I don’t care over and over. I keep telling him I do care, and if he could just try to relax and nap some, he will feel much better when he awakes. He is hitting himself from frustration and tightening his fist. He just is totally confused. At this point, I am confused. I feel like a dumb old woman who has thought all this time, that I can handle any situation in life that is dealt to me. I can not get him to quit crying, nor can I get him to stop screaming and swearing. I am still confused from the conversation I over heard and the sight that I saw on his one foot. I know too much and yet I know too little. I am at my wit’s end, and inside I am now screaming at God to take him home. Make his suffering stop right now. I don’t want to hear anymore reasonings on why he is still here, or maybe God is teaching me something through Al’  pain. I don’t want to hear anymore! I want this pain to stop for the two of us. Please, Al, slow down the breathing, and take a nap.

46 thoughts on “Please Stop, Please!

  1. Terry, your poor soul – Al, he probably don’t know in what bad state he is and not directly suffering. Feel so hopeless for you – that every day there has to be all this drama, it tears you apart day by day. If it getting any worst maybe you have to ask to get him into a home – I know it’s brutal … but to have like you have – where you come to a point that you’re giving up – isn’t right neither. Going to dental surgery can put even me on the edge, so maybe the thought of going there – caused all this. Terry, my thoughts are with you …

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  2. Sending hugs and Prayers for Strength for you and healing and comfort for your brother. I understand all to well what you are going thru only it was my father and not my brother. You are strong person and you need to cry and get it out. Crying is good for the soul, spirit and mind. HUGS!

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  3. Your great fatigue and frustration is well understood. You are maybe wondering how much more you or Al can take and it’s okay to have those feelings. Things will quieten down again (as much as they do I guess) Perhaps you need more help than what you’ve allowed yourself.You may need to consider this….Take care…Diane

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  4. Anyone would be tired and weepy after this experience.

    Please recognise that you are exhausted – I don’t know you well enough to make this statement I know, but I’m convinced you must be – so don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a very strong lady and you have my admiration, but you are doing absolutely everything that you can and you can’t do more than that. Once again, Al is very lucky to have you.

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  5. He is probably having a bad reaction to the sedation and hopefully will calm. Don’t take it personally. Sorry you are suffering so! I know what you are talking about with his foot as my Grandmother had the same ordeal. I so wish you had more help. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  6. What more can I say that hasn’t already been said by all the caring people that has tried to comfort you… You made a good start by the caregiver that you hired… maybe see if she can give you an extra hour or two sometime…You just need time to regroup…as does Al…
    I just had to calm a teenage granddaughter down …talking helps…reasureing helps…and a tylenol for the headache she had and you probably have…a cold wet wash cloth to refresh her teary face and one for you to refresh your tiredness…and maybe a little nap hugged up to a pillow…or for you a little close your eyes time …Trama is everywhere…Sometimes simple remedies works best…~mkg

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  7. I took care of my mom after her stroke for about a year or so before my motorcycle accident, and I while I am loathe to admit it, I suck as a caregiver. I never lost my patience with her or anything, but being around that kind of pain 24/7 just about mentally killed me. There is nothing “poor me” about this post, Terry. It just sounds like you’re dealing with some kind of mental pain that is just hurting you! I’m truly sorry this is your life right now. Al has no idea how really fortunate he is to have you, but we both know one day, you’ll have your tears wiped off your face, too. Right?

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    • when the doctor pointed out his foot to me i knew instantly what was happening, modeling. i m taking him to the dr tomorrow to hopefully hear this other doctor is wrong

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  8. In my humble opinion, I would call the doctor and try to get him in. That being said, knowing Al and you both are upset and hurting, I offer this prayer.

    Father, I thank you for everyday we have together, I know it is because of your wonderful blessings. I have one more request, Father, if you don’t mind. Please place your hands on the hearts of Terry and Al bring them comfort and peace. Dry their tears, dear Father, and show them the glory of your presence, fill their hearts with joy and their ears with the angelic music of the heavens. This I ask in Jesus name, Amen

    One day at a time Sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking from you. Just give me the strenght to do everyday what I have to do. Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine, so for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time.
    Lord for my sake, teach me to take – one day at a time.

    Peace to you heart, sweet friend,

    Ed

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  9. I love ya Terry you know this my friend. I am sure how upset he was did have some to do with the anestesia they administered to him on top of the pain of having the teeth pulled alone when it wore off. I know that all to well and have cried myself to sleep from it. Other is angst of not knowing for him what is going on and with mental illness it only intensifies that. He does love you and appreciate you as he knows nothing but unconditional love. As for the foot I would have gone against what they said and taken him to the emergency room. Foot or any part of body going black or gray is not good means no circulation and the tissue is dying. This would explain why he has had trouble walking as I am sure it hurts like hell but he probably does not want to be a burden on you and with mental illness that is the way he would think if he told you his foot hurt. This spreads fast and needs attention asap. I would also really get on the dentist case if they pulled the wrong teeth and make them take the proper ones out and make them eat the cost due to their mistake. Or sue them for the pain he is going through and yourself for doing that. Furthermore you need to breath and take a deep breath and relax some. Get some fresh air and go for a walk on your own to cleanse your soul. And the care provider as well should have notified you of his foot too as I am sure this did not happen overnight sounds like you need to replace her if anything. ANd also wanted to ask if you ever got a hold of hospice and explained the situation to see if they can offer the counseling to help you get through this time as your brother but if for no one else yourself. You are not superwoman so please do not try to be. It is good that you write this like you have been forget anyone who says different if for nothing else you will have like a diary of all these memories for when and if he decides to go to his father. You will have them to look back on things you did during the day with him the smiles he has smiled and the tears you have both cried. Forget anyone else who says you should not continue to write as they have not suffered like you have and have no idea writing is a very good way to get out what is going on and is a good healing tool. Get a hold of the organization for parkinsons as well they may and could do something as well all those kind of numbers are in the phone book and I am sure you can find them online. Most of all take care of you. Lots of people love you and are praying for you especially me. You are doing everything right and everything in your power. Hang in there. Love ya always your friend……Tracy

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    • hospice will not help. i called them. they say parkinsons is not and end of life situation. i called dr and am taking him in tomorrow afternoon. it must have been the stress of the day that caused me to be so involved with the bad comment. after bird chewed me out, lol, it woke me up, and seeing all the support from you and others, i must continue to write the only way i know how. that i can go back and look at these some day will be such wonderful readings of the love a brother and sister have for each other. thank you so much Tracy

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  10. Continuing to pray for the Lord’s guidance, strength and peace to be upon you and His comfort to be upon Al.
    2Cor 4:16-18 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward [man] is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding [and] eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen [are] temporal; but the things which are not seen [are] eternal.

    Lord bless

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  11. Terry, I sorry I missed this yesterday. And, I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I think that you need to realize that there are going to be days where you feel like that–that you can’t take anymore. I don’t think a single person would tell you you should regret how you feel or that you should be stronger. You are who you are–and like everyone you certainly have limits. The human only has so much capacity and so much tolerance, and then we crack. Kinda like a volcano with mini eruptions. After reading your next post, I just wanted you to know that I would feel terrible if you couldn’t say what’s on your mind on the bad days. Here’s praying you are on a little bit of an upswing.

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    • Thank you All. I think I am just plain old exhausted today. Too much drama with Al’s tooth problems, his teeth extraction, and discovering his foot problem. I just went into shut down mode. Tonight I am still tired, sort of numb, but so thankful I have you and all others with me.Thank you for the prayers.

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  12. Your incredible courage to relinquish this for the sake of yourself, in order to prepare for the next moment is what warriors are made of. And you, my friend, have the armor of a brave soldier who continues her duty, no matter how daunting the blades of hurt are. It isn’t easy to be caught between a rock and a hard place, and your reaction, to end this psychological pain, is totally normal, human in fact. It resonates with me, your phrase of “I know too much and yet I know too little” as I believe many of us are in the same boat. May this blog by your oars to safer shores. Ameen.

    Pink.

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    • thank you Pink.I always feel like I am standing up for him against the medical professionals. If they could only be a fly on our wall and see the emotional hell he goes through, they may show more compassion, leading to the right help for him. everything has its rules, there seems to be no exceptions. if Al had cancer, it would be a whole different picture, but Parkinson’s? learn to live and deal with it they say

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      • That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe they say that! My friend whose son has cerebal palsy told me the same, the Canadian healthcare system will support the disability, but not look to cure it. Sigh.

        Pink.

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      • they do because parkinson’s patients can live up to twenty years with it, sad to say they have to base facts on years instead of quality

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  13. Terry, my friend. Parkinson’s is a very cruel disease indeed. I feel your sorrow and I am so sorry that both you and Al are going through this. Please know that I am here for you.
    Hugs,
    Jane

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    • this is very comforting to me Jane. i so appreciate it. u have no idea how much……i have learned to hate this Parkinson’s with a passion when i see what it is doing to him and the helplessness of not being able to fix it like he wants me to

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